Dating Advice with Rabbi Manis Friedman.

Hello, hello everyone and welcome to Influencer Mindset Podcast. We are here today with esteemed speaker, the most famous rabbi on YouTube, an author, somebody who inspires millions is here with us today, Rabbi Menashe Friedman. And we are going to talk about his new book, First Acting, Long Lasting, which is a book on dating, which is something that we all need to learn about, especially the single ones. How are you today, Rabbi Menachem Friedman?

Baruch Hashem. Glad to be here.

Thank you so much for that.

Is your name Uzi? Or is that short for Uzziel? It's Uzi.

That's how they called me. straight out, Uzi. King David used to call Hashem Uzi, my strength. That's correct, yeah. So unfortunately, the guy who invented that machine gun was, was Israeli. And in his story he asked don't, don't name the gun after my name because he did not want to ruin the reputation of that name. But they didn't listen to him because he was just working there. He didn't really invented it. But let's go back to our subject here because this is something that it's really, a lot of people are struggling for some reason. And I read in your book, don't put yourself in a struggling category, but it's really happening here, especially, I don't know if I read the story about Toronto, that Toronto had this problem where people weren't getting married and it was hard to find shiduchim. And it feels like it's happening here in Los Angeles. A lot of people are staying single for a very, very long time. And I totally agree with what you said, that it really is about mindset, about really having the right attitude, the right approach. And one of the questions that I wanted to ask you is, what are some of the key principles or insights you believe that are crucial for building and maintaining a successful and fulfilling relationship?

I didn't think we would get that far.

Right.

Building and maintaining. First, we gotta, we gotta find somebody. There's gotta be somebody to work with. But I just wanna tell you the name of the book, Fast Acting, Long Lasting. It comes from a comedian who says you go to the drugstore, you have a headache, and you look through the medicines. It's so confusing. 'Cause one medicine says fast acting, the other medicine says long lasting. So now I got to figure out, do I want to feel good now or later? But a marriage or dating has to be both. It has to be fast acting, no drawn out years of dating. And it has to be long-lasting. It's got to be forever.

What do you think the maximum time of dating should be?

You know, that's a very good question, very practical and very important. 3 months. If you can't decide after 3 months whether you want to marry somebody, either you don't know this person or you don't know what marriage is. 3 months. 3 months.

Yeah. It seems like a very short time in our society. You know, people are dating for a year, for 2 years, they live together, they move in together, they make all the mistakes possible. But you're saying that 3 months is the right amount of time.

They make all the mistakes possible, they experiment with everything, and then the marriage doesn't work. So, what are we doing?

Right.

So— There's something wrong with the theory. Absolutely.

I totally agree with that. So, you're saying 3 months, but what are the indications? Like 3 months, okay. Now, what if that person hiding something? What if that person is taking a psychiatric pill? I don't even know. And then, and then I get married with somebody and then they stop taking the pill and then I'm like, oh my gosh, what did I do? And that happens a lot actually nowadays.

Sure. And can the person hide it for a year also? Sure he can. So what have you gained by the year? You've lost a year. You've gained nothing. You have the same Suffolk. So, here's the real story. We are way too focused on personality and looks and psychology. Marriage is like the least important part of this whole picture. Who am I going to marry? Well, somebody. What's the difference? The question is, are you going to get married or not? In other words, you have to appreciate marriage for itself, not because of some guy or because of some girl. If you don't appreciate marriage, then admit that you don't want to get married and stop, you know, stop making everybody miserable, including yourself. So I asked somebody, you want to get married? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So when do you want to get married? He says, you know, when the right person comes along. You don't want to get married. You're saying, if and when I meet a person that is really amazing, I'll marry them. But what you want is a person. You don't want a marriage. You have to want marriage in order for marriage to work. So if a man says to a woman, you know, I'm not really into marriage. I never really liked marriage. I'm not that type. But you are so amazing. Wow. You I would marry. Don't do it. Don't do it. The man does not want to be married. He wants the benefits. He wants the privileges of marriage. He doesn't want the marriage.

So what does that mean, to want the marriage?

To want the marriage means I can't stand just being me. I need someone else. Someone. Of course, I want someone that I like and that I can get along with. But the main thing is I need somebody. So, so the focus Because being alone is not acceptable.

So, the focus of everyone who's trying to date should be dating for marriage, not dating for any other reason, is what you're saying?

If you want to be married. If you don't want to be married, then date forever and who cares? But people who say, I want to be married and I can't and it's not happening and I'm frustrated.

I see. You know, many people struggle with balancing their personal goals and aspiration with the demands and compromises of the committed relationship. People want to chase their career. You know, now there's a lot of You know, it used to be men that wanted to chase careers. Now even girls want to chase career. They want to, you know, do a PhD. They want to have their own career. And then, I mean, how do you balance that in a way that it's harmonious, you know, between like the individual growth of each person and the actual relationship and the marriage?

So first of all, there's a suggestion in the question that is not kosher. It sounds like, if I pursue a career, then I am developing myself. If I get married, I'm stifled. I'll never develop. The opposite is true. Having a career doesn't develop anything. You just make money. Or you develop some nasty habits. Greed, jealousy, a little dishonesty. You don't develop as a human being. You develop like a machine. When you get married, you develop into a human being. So that's, that's number one. Number two, how do you balance They can't be balanced. One has to be on top and the other one has to be on the bottom. You have to have a priority and a secondary. They can't be equal. You can't be as devoted to your marriage as you are to your career. Can't. One of them has to take priority.

And it should be the marriage, obviously.

Of course. Because otherwise, it's like a man proposes to a woman. He says, please marry me. I have a career that will be more important than you. But other than that, I will love you very much. I mean, what are you saying? It's not a marriage. It's true. Marry me and don't interfere with my career. I'm going to interfere with your career. And you're going to resent it. So what are we doing?

So what do you say to people who are actually waiting Sometimes, like into the late 40s, they say, oh, I need to be here, I need to be there before I can, I need to buy a house, I need to do all these things. So you're saying just if you get married, obviously to the right person, everything will find its place. There's no reason to.

It's also not understanding marriage. The Mishnah says, ben shmona esre lechupa. When should you be married? At 18. You can't? Okay, 19. The most? 20. But a person who's already 30 and is saying, I don't know if I'm ready for marriage. You have been ready for marriage since you were 18. That's for a man. For a woman, since you were 16. So you delayed it, and you delayed it, and you delayed it. Enough already. In other words, marriage shouldn't be treated like an option. Yeah, I could get married someday, if I find the right person, when I'm in the mood. No. At 18, you should be married. What is your excuse for being 19 and not married? Because you have to make some money?

People go to school. I'll finish school, then I'll get married.

To make money. What do you go to school for? To make money. Can you go to school when you're married? Yeah. Yeah. So why do you have to delay the marriage to go to school? Get married and go to school. The point is, we're not taking marriage seriously. It's like a vacation. Next year I'm going on vacation. Okay, not this year. Next year. Next year. Some year. One day I'm going to go on vacation. That's how you're treating marriage.

Right. So, you know, in today's world, you know, with all the dating apps and all the options that people have, you know, people became very disposable. You know, like you go on a date and then whatever, she didn't like that you have a little pimple on your nose and then she just goes and swipe and date somebody else. How do you, like when you go on a date, how do you know through obviously what questions to ask in order to make that real? Because we understand that in the Jewish system, there is a shadchan, there is a matchmaker that works for you and stuff like that. But I think most of the people not really going to go into a matchmaker when you have all those apps and all those. And those apps are owned by really big companies and they advertise a lot and they're everywhere and people are just drawn into them. What do you do in a situation like that? What questions do you ask?

Well, actually, those are just electronic shatranim. All those apps, that is a shatran, because the alternative is go to a bar and pick somebody up. People don't want to do that anymore. So now they're going to eHarmony and to the other companies. So what is that? That's a shatran service. Only it's virtual, it's online instead of in person. So everybody agrees that the shadchan idea is great. And everybody should have a shadchan. And a shadchan doesn't mean some professional. It means somebody who knows both of you, who will kind of pace the progress of your dating. It's so helpful. So here's a few things. Number one, dating is not a lifestyle. And when you're dating somebody, you're not in a relationship. Stop making up stuff. When you're dating someone, you are not in a relationship. You just have a roommate. That's not a relationship. So, you know, a woman says, I'm so depressed. I'm so upset. I'm suicidal. Why? My boyfriend cheated on me. A boyfriend can't cheat on you. He's cheating with you. And now he's cheating with somebody else also. What do you mean he cheated on you? You're not married. You specifically, carefully made it clear to him that you don't want to be married. Well, then he can cheat on you. When did dating become sacred? And she was really, I couldn't believe it. She's like, how could he do this? How could he do it? Who could he do what? Sleep with you and with her? He's a talented guy.

Oh man, I'm telling you, sometimes people date for like 3 weeks and that's it. And if you just look at another girl, they're like gonna call you a cheater and gonna make a scene.

It's insane.

It doesn't make sense.

Marriages are not taken that seriously. So dating has become more holy. It's just so silly. So number one, we shouldn't even call it dating. You're just meeting somebody who is a total stranger. Until he puts a ring on your finger, he is a total stranger. Why are you telling him things he has no right to know? About yourself. What are you doing? Why are you making yourself vulnerable to a guy who's going to walk away next week? Why do you give a guy 4 years of your life and then find out he doesn't want to marry you? What is wrong with people?

It's happened so much, it's crazy.

It's the way, it's the norm. But where's a little self-respect? They're always asking, how much should you tell the person you're dating? You tell them, when you put a ring on my finger, you'll find out. Until then, it's none of your business. You're a stranger. Don't ask me personal questions. It's not nice.

That's a very, very interesting approach. I mean, people get attached emotionally way before marriage, way before engagement, and they feel like that guy they are dating, so to say, owe them something. They owe him commitment, they owe him responsibility. And what you're saying is kind of like really breaking that whole mentality and really putting the most important thing in the center, which is, is that a real relationship that's actually going to lead to everlasting marriage? And you know what, me personally never thought about it in that sense, but that really opens up a whole new A way for me to look at it. What can I tell you? Dating is not a simple thing. How do you, like, we know chemistry is important, but what are the most fundamental questions somebody should ask somebody they are dating on the first date?

If they're thinking of getting married or they want a good date? If you want a good date, the only question to ask is, your place or mine? What else do you want to know? If you're thinking marriage, that's a whole different thing. So people say, do you have a significant other in your life? If he's not married to you, he's not significant. Stop making stuff up. You can't fool Mother Nature. You can't say he's significant, and the proof is he doesn't want to marry you. How significant is that? So, well, maybe we're working, we're thinking— Right now he doesn't want to marry you, so he is not significant. Is that too complicated? Let's have a meaningful relation. Let's have a meaningful relationship. Oh, you want to get married? Oh, no. That's not a rejection. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you. Thank you very much. I mean, it's so obvious. Let's live together. Why? Because I love you. So marry me. No, no, I don't marry you. Why not? Because, you know, I can only take so much of you. I don't want too much of you, just a little bit, you know, the enjoyable parts, that's all. So insulting. In fact, it's become fashionable to get married and not have children for a few years. Why? Well, we need to get to know each other. What does that mean? Get to know me? We're married. Yeah, but you know, I'm still going to get to know you better and I might find something about you I don't like and then I don't want to be married to you anymore and if we have children it'll be very complicated. In other words, I'm still not sure I want to be married to you and we're already married. This is absolutely crazy. So when will you be sure? So, so you say one other painful question. Look at the entire lifestyle. I ask women this question. It's a very painful question. Imagine you're 50 years old. And your husband comes home and says, we just hired a new secretary. Is the wife nervous? What, what, what? What kind of secretary? He says, oh, she's— right? Oh, she's gorgeous. That's it. The marriage is in a crisis. That means that a 50-year-old woman is competing with a 22-year-old secretary. Is this a life? And even if the husband doesn't come home and say, we hired a new secretary and she's gorgeous, there are secretaries and there are gorgeous 22-year-olds all over the place. So every time he walks out the door, she has anxiety. Her whole life is anxiety. This is cruel. If this is what marriage is, don't do it. Don't do it. You're shortening your life. It is so cruel to marry a woman And then she has to worry every hour of every day for the rest of her life whether there's a 22-year-old somewhere. So she has to compete. So she has to have plastic surgery. So she has to run around in a bathing suit looking ridiculous at 50. But, but it's so cruel. How should it be? It should be, if you're married, you have no more competition. You're the only one. And the 20-year-olds can be gorgeous, they can be beautiful, they can be smart, it doesn't matter. I'm your wife and you're my husband, and let everybody else be gorgeous. I don't care. It's not a threat. That's what marriage is supposed to be. So here's another devastating fact. Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage. You heard the song?

Yeah.

If you love somebody, you marry them. That is so unnatural, and it is so untrue. Love is destroying marriages. Because if you're looking for love, then you're not looking for marriage. They're two very different things. Marriage means you marry a person. A person, a whole human being. Love means you don't want the whole person, you just want their love. The proof of it is, ask any woman today, if you fell out of love with your husband, would you stay married? No, of course not. Of course not. Why? The only reason I married him was for love. Without love, I don't need him. In other words, you don't really want me. You just want my love. That's very, very similar to You don't want me, you just want my money. It's exactly the same thing. I think it's worse. Money is at least useful. So if somebody says, I want to marry you for your money, you wouldn't do it. But if he says, I want to marry you for your love, ah, perfect. No, it's not perfect. It's horrible. You're not marrying a person, you're marrying a love. And if that person that you love has an opinion, you don't like that. I didn't marry you for your opinion, I'm sorry. Just give me the love and shut up. It's terrible.

But you need love.

But it's the other way around. Not if I love you, I marry you. If I marry you, I will love you. So if we develop a meaningful, strong relationship, I will love it. But we have no relationship. What am I loving? And if I do happen to love you, why do we need to get married? I already love you. So it's perfect. What more do you want? No, let's get married. Why? And ruin a good thing?

I see.

This couple came to me. We're very much in love. We want to get married. I said, you're in love? They said, yes. I said, that's too late. Then don't get married. You're marrying for love. You already have the love. What are you getting married for? So love is killing marriages. Because we're not marrying a person, we're marrying a love. Like a fantasy. The second thing that is killing marriages is sex. Sex has become so impersonal that it keeps people apart. The more sex you have, the further apart you become. Because there's nothing personal about sex anymore. It's pornography. It's a performance. It's an excitement. It's a thrill. It's an experience. Has nothing to do with the person you're with. You don't get to love people by having sex with them. On the contrary, every time you have sex, you get a little further apart. You lose a little respect for yourself, for the other person. It's inevitable because sex used to be very personal, intimate. That's why it was so scary. It was awesome. Then in the '60s, people decided, eh, it's not so awesome, it's just fun. Okay. If it's fun, it doesn't bring you together. You have your fun. He has his fun. They're not the same thing. Now it's really married couples today in their own bedrooms are practicing pornography. And it's a disaster.

Wow.

Well, more surprising.

Yeah, you definitely surprised me that sex is ruining marriages because, you know, I went on a date once with a girl. She said, you know, she wants to feel excited, excited, like from the get-go. Really, really, really excited, like aroused, whatever, excited, you know. And I was like, I was, you know, a little bit more calm, more relaxed. And I thought that, you know, whatever she's kind of, she has in her mind, that kind of excitement is probably something that you get after you get married. You can't expect that from a first date or second. Was I wrong? A year or a hundredth, right?

As long as you're not married, you're strangers. So you were asking, what is the sign or the indication that this is the right person for you? In this, we have to get into the difference between a man and a woman. If a man asks, how do I know, there's a different answer than if a woman asks, how do I know, because men and women are different. I know you're not allowed to say that these days, but they are.

Strange times.

Oh yeah. Yeah. If a man says, I'm a man, I love Dafka. If a woman says, I'm a man, that's a man. The insanity is mind-boggling. So here's the difference. A man is sitting with a woman. Naturally, there is some sexual energy. Positive, negative, better, worse, but there's always some sexual tension. So a woman says, I want to marry this guy because when I'm sitting with him, I get so excited. He turns me on. That is not a reason to marry someone, because there are a thousand other women who would get just as turned on by this guy. So why should you marry him? It's impersonal. But if a woman is sitting with a man and suddenly she realizes that she feels very good being herself, she feels good being a woman, no tension, no pressure, no No contest. He is making her feel good about herself as a woman. This is not going to happen with just any good-looking guy. Such a, such a guy, marry him immediately. On the other hand, a man is sitting with a woman and he suddenly feels really comfortable being a man. She is bringing out the man in him. It's not going to happen with every pretty girl. With most girls, you're going to feel a little tension, a little, a little competition, a little pressure to be cute, to say something smart, to make a good impression. So if he's excited about her sexually, so have sex. Why are you marrying her? But if she makes you feel like a man, boy, that's rare. That's something. That's good chemistry. But now we have to know, what does it mean to feel like a woman? And what does it mean to feel like a man? So a man calls me, he says, I'm going out with this woman. We've gone out for a long time. She is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She's got every virtue. She is the smartest. She's the best. She's the most capable. She's the life of the party. She is so funny. She's— but I don't, I don't know. I can't bring myself to propose to her. I don't know why. I said, I know why. She doesn't need you. There's nothing you can give her. She's smarter than you, stronger than you, more capable than you, more fun than you, better looking than you. What are you going to give her if you marry her? A woman calls and says, I'm going out with a guy, never seen such a delightful, gentle, considerate, kind individual, but why am I not marrying him? I said, because you don't want to marry him. You want to adopt him and be his mother. That's not feeling like a woman. He's so sweet, he's so gentle, he's so safe. So, so adopt him. To make a woman feel like a woman, she has to feel so confident and so comfortable that she can trust this guy with her eyes closed. She can surrender herself to him and never have a doubt or a worry. That's a feeling of a woman. She'll follow him wherever he wants to go. Whatever his life is, I'll make it mine. I'm all yours because you make me secure, safe. I trust you. If a guy says, I'm going out with a woman and I feel so safe, you'll make a good wife. You're not going to be the husband. So what should a man feel? A man should feel, I'm sitting with this woman, I can't believe it, but I would be happy to take care of her for the rest of my life. Whatever she needs, I'll be her man. She makes me confident. He makes her secure. She makes him confident. That's the difference between men and women.

And you need to feel that on the first date?

No. I mean, yeah, if, hallelujah, if you can feel it on the first date, you're blessed. No, the first date is always a little awkward, which is natural. So you can't really tell from a first date. By a third date, yeah, many people after three times, wow, because this is so different. So you know, you know, not any guy is going to make me feel this way. So to say Yeah, yeah, he's okay, but, you know, let's check out some more guys. You can check out a thousand more guys. He's not going to feel like this. So again, we confuse love with sex. We confuse sex with lust. We don't know anything anymore. We need definitions, clarity, clarity. You really want to get married? When? Give me a date. Well, whenever. No, no, no. Don't do that. You want to be married when? By June? No, not this year. Okay, skip it. You're not getting married. Don't, you know, don't complain to people you're not married. You don't want to be. If you can't put a date on it, you're not serious. And not only marriage, you see. People say, I've been looking, I've been looking years, I can't find— What are you looking for? What are you looking? Oh, I'm looking for a guy. I'm looking for a girl. You haven't found one yet? No, no, no. I mean a special guy. Never met a special guy? Okay, so he's married, but he's special. He's a very special guy. He doesn't want to marry you. But don't say you've never met a special guy. So then they say, oh, come on, I mean, you know, the one for me. Oh, the one. The one. You know what the one is called? There's a name for it. It's called husband. So here's a good idea. Stop looking for a guy. Don't marry a guy, because guys are worthless. You can't trust them, can't rely on them, they lie to you. Stay away from guys. Find your husband and you'll be in heaven. It cuts out a lot of, you know, bad dates. And the same thing with a wife. You're not looking for a girl. You're not looking for a special girl. You're not looking for a beautiful girl. You're looking for your wife. Because if you don't want a wife, then you don't want to get married. So stop complaining that you can't get married. You're getting exactly what you want. You want a date? You got a date. If you wanted marriage, you would get a marriage. So, practical advice: don't ask for a, a date. Like if you're If you're praying, if you're davening, and you're asking G-d, please, please, help me meet somebody. That's a silly prayer. You're meeting people all the time. What do you— what kind of prayer is that? No, help me meet somebody really nice. That's not a good prayer. Help me meet my husband. Still not a good prayer. You're going to meet him, and then what? You don't want to meet him. You want to be married. That's what you should be praying for. Now, you don't know— you don't just want to be married. You want to have a family. That's what you're praying for. So your prayer should be This time next year, I should have my own family. Done. Settled into my own family, in my house, with my husband, and maybe with a baby. That's talking. That's real. The idea is to start a family. This is not a teenage romance. Me and you in the sunset. No. It's not me and you. It's a family. So marriage is a serious business. Take it seriously. Stop flirting with it. Get to it. Okay, so practically speaking, dating is not a relationship. Don't say you have a relationship just because you're dating somebody. It's not a relationship. It's window shopping. You're checking him out. You're checking her out. It's a time to be selfish. Selfish. You're there to check him out. What he thinks? You don't care what he thinks. He's a stranger. You're there to find out what you think about him. He's there to find out what he thinks about you. So why would you want to make a good impression? Why do you dress your best and you go to the hairmaker and you buy yourself a new suit, then you get a new car? What are you trying to do? You're meeting a total stranger and you're desperate to make a good impression. What are you, so lonely? Don't make a good impression. Let him make a good impression on you. Dating is the most selfish act, and it should be. Marriage is when you become selfless. But people become so selfless in a date. It's like a slow suicide. You're killing yourself. What are you doing? Getting emotionally attached to a total stranger because he's willing to sleep with you? It's so, it's so, um, it's so secular. And secular is so meaningless. Always.

It's a waste of time.

It's pornography. There's nothing holy about it. There's nothing personal about it. There's nothing even complimentary about it. So dating is not a relationship. It's just window shopping. You're there to see if you like what you see. That's all. So how much should you share? Whatever you would share with somebody sitting on a plane next to for an hour or two. Nothing terribly intimate, nothing terribly personal. You know, what school you went to, what you've been doing, what you've been successful at. Nothing intimate. If it's more than 3 months and you're not interested in getting married to this person, then stop. Because not interested means no. There's no in-between. Well, I haven't decided. Are you marrying her next week? No. Okay, you've decided. And the answer is no. So what do you want to do? Force the no into a yes? That's crazy. Stop looking for love. If you're looking for love— I hate to say this, but it's true— if you're looking for love, you're a baby. Go back to your mother. A mature adult doesn't need love. Love is for babies. And if your mother didn't love you, okay, that's a whole different problem. You know, that's not a marriage problem, that's a psychological problem. So if you're looking for love, don't get married. If you're looking for sex, don't get married. If you're bored being you, because, you know, you've been yourself for already 20 years, enough already, there's nothing exciting there anymore, now you're ready to get married. Because now there's room for somebody else in your life. But if you're still so excited about yourself, and you're learning so much about yourself, and you're developing yourself, don't do this to anybody. Stay single. That's, that's narcissistic. Marriage is the opposite of narcissism. Marriage means, "Enough about me already. Enough! I'm this, I'm that, I feel, I want, I take." Okay, you've been doing that for 20 years. Stop already. Change the subject. And the best way to change the subject is by bringing another person into your life. Next thing, another person, not another experience. You're marrying the whole person, including the parts you will never understand. And if you don't love the parts that you don't understand and can't relate to, And you don't love the person. A man says, I love everything about my wife. I said, really? So why does your wife want a divorce? Something, something's wrong here. You love everything about her and she wants to get out of this marriage. What's going on? He says, I don't know. She's crazy. I said, do you love your wife? He says, I told you, I love everything about her. I said, I'm not talking about what is about her. Do you love her? He says, what does that mean? What does that even mean? He is not married to her. He doesn't even know what that means. So what is she feeling? Alone in the world. She can't really complain. He's a nice guy. He's enjoyable. They have fun together. But they're married to the fun, not to each other. Like the Mishnah says, Ahava hatvuya bedavar. They love the same thing together. They don't love each other. They love the sex. They love the money. They love the travel. They love everything. I love everything about her, just not her, because I don't even know what that means. If you take away all the things, the davar, what's left? "Ava she'enat luya bedavar." What is that? What are you loving? Not what, who. I can be married to a person with all my heart and soul, connected to this woman, inseparable. And I don't like anything about her. Not one thing I don't like. I don't like her personality. I don't like her humor. I don't like her looks. I don't like her opinions. I don't like anything about her. But I love her. That's not a very happy marriage, but it's a very—

Yeah.

Very strong marriage. And look at the opposite. I love everything about her. We have so much fun together. I just don't need her when she starts with her opinion. I don't need that. Let's just share the love and keep the rest to yourself. So she feels alone in the world. So what does it mean to love her? To love the part that makes her not you. The things you both love together, that's you being you. She happens to match what you like. To love her means You love the part of her that makes her not you.

Part of her.

Because what you want in marriage is someone else, not more of yourself. Oh, you agree with me? Oh, you think the same way? You like the same thing? Great! What's great? It's just more of you. You're still alone in the world, because you haven't let another person into your life. You married a clone. You married your own shadow.

It's actually very interesting because people say opposite attract and then try to find somebody as similar to you as possible.

So which one works usually? So which one is it? What's better? But even opposites attract means this is attractive to you. You're still just being you, and you're fascinated by people who are different, but you're married to your own fascination. So marriage means You build a home. There is nothing so powerful. Love is like babyish compared to a home. I like to use this, this example. In the Entebbe raid, the Israeli soldiers came in, they eliminated the terrorists, and rescued the hostages. The hostages had been there for a long time. They were miserable. What did the soldiers say when they eliminated the terrorists? What did they say to the hostages? Imagine if they would have said, we came to save you because we love you. It would have been, what? Such an inappropriate, what are you talking about? They didn't say that. It was such a tense, exciting moment that they instinctively said the best thing they could have said. Nelech habayta. Let's go home. Nothing, nothing compares to that. There's nothing more powerful that they could have said. Nothing more appropriate they could have said. That's a marriage. Marriage means Let's go home to our home. And all you want is love? Such a baby. But imagine that you create a home. A home means a place where you feel that you belong. This is my place. That's like being in heaven. What do you do in your home? Oh, exactly what you're meant to do. This is what you are meant to do. You know, if you're a lawyer, there are moments when you think, you know, why am I doing this? Maybe I should try something else. No matter what your career is, no matter what your profession is, is this really what you should be doing? Maybe not. But what you do at home? No question. This is exactly what you should be doing. And who are you doing it with? Your zivug, your soulmate, the person that was meant for you. Wow, that is literally heaven. What is heaven? A soul goes back to where a soul comes from. So, so it feels like I'm home, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm doing it with other neshamot. This is perfect. That's heaven. That's what you want to accomplish when you get married. Now imagine the other side. You walk into your house and you don't feel like you're home. And you take care of the family, you do what, and it doesn't feel right. And the person you're with doesn't like you. Oh, if that's not Gehinnom, I don't know what is.

It is. I've been there, unfortunately.

Yeah, it's terrible. So if you want to get married, make sure that it's fast-acting. Don't devote your life to some guy or to some girl for 3 years and then decide, nah. That is so painful. It's cruel. If you haven't decided by 3 months, then stop seeing each other. Stop. If you're meant to be married, it'll come back. If you're not meant, then, then end it now. Why waste time? So this is the final thought. There is somebody that you're supposed to marry. They already exist. They already have a personality. They already have whatever looks they have. So stop worrying about who you're going to marry, because there's only one person, and that's already been decided. So if a woman says, I want a guy who is tall and dark, I'm sorry, that's not your husband. Your husband is short and bald. What are you going to do? Your husband is short and bald. And you're going to marry him. So stop trying to rearrange him. Your wife is who she is. You can't change her. So stop worrying about who you're going to marry. Worry about what you're going to do to him after you marry him. Because that's up to you. So there is no fear, no fear that you might marry the wrong person. It has never happened in history that somebody married the wrong person. Marriage means family. Family means children. God is not going to let you marry whoever you think you should. It's way too important. God personally decides who you're going to marry. What about a divorce? Divorce means you're divorcing the person you're supposed to be married to. That's why it's so painful. So the person you're supposed to be married to doesn't mean it's going to be easy. God sometimes gives you a challenge, and sometimes that challenge is too hard. So you have to get divorced. How do you get divorced? God tells you how to get divorced, even though he wants you married to this person. But if it's too hard for you, he tells you how to get divorced. That's why divorce is a disaster. A tragedy. If it's just, yeah, I thought we would get along, I thought we should be married, I guess not. So, okay, never mind. Made a mistake. Wouldn't be such a tragedy. But there's no mistake. Ever. And the proof is, what if the marriage is a disaster, but before you got divorced, you had 3 children? Are the children a disaster? Imagine saying to a child, I never should have married your mother. You know what that means to the child? It's such a horrible thing to say. Horrible. Right? If I never should have married your mother, It means you should have never been born. What a horrible thing to say. So you can't say that a marriage that ends in divorce was never supposed to happen. Of course it was supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to last long, but it was supposed to happen. I mean, it's a terrible example, but A child is born and lives 2 years and dies. The child should never have been born?

No, God forbid. Of course he should have.

For 2 years. But for those 2 years, he had to be born. Not a mistake. So, there's no pressure And there's no worry about who you're going to marry. The maturity that we need is, what are you going to do to the person you're married to? You're going to make their life easier or harder? That's it.

What do you say to those who say that soulmates aren't born, they are made?

Then it's not a soulmate. It's just a choice.

So soulmates are born?

Yeah, yeah. Every neshamah gets divided into male and female. The fact that they find each other 20 years later is a miracle made in heaven. So the definition of marriage— this is also important— the definition of marriage is a reunion. You're, you're from the same neshamah. You got separated. When you get married, you're going back together again. So for example, a Jew marries a non-Jew. It's not a reunion. It's a union. A union you decided to make. But it's not a reunion, so it's not a marriage. Two men can make a union, they can't make a reunion. Two women can make a union, it's not a reunion. So fine, live happily ever after, but don't call it marriage. Marriage is the miracle of a reunion. So it'll never be a mistake. It's already been decided. There's one person out there for you. Finding that one person in the whole big wide world is a miracle. So it's not surprising that it could take a few days, a few years. You're looking for one person out of 8 billion. It's not an easy job. So you find each other miraculously, and literally sometimes you can see it's miracles. There was a war, so the family had to move, So you ended up in a different country, and the other person moved because their business collapsed, so they had to run away. So, you know what it took to bring these two people together? A war and a bankruptcy. So, don't be worried you might marry the wrong person. Don't be ridiculous. It's like saying, maybe I'm having the wrong baby. We can't have the wrong baby. So, from now on, if you want to be married, make it real. Say, by Pesach time, I want to be in my own home with my husband, my family, my house. Realistic. This Pesach. So imagine a woman meets a guy, and the first date, she says, I'm planning to get married by Pesach. With a specific date. April 17th. If he says, "Which year?" Just tell him thank you and go home. He's not for you. If the girl says to the guy, "I'm planning to be married by Pesach," and he says, "Really? Hmm. I was thinking more like Purim." Now we're talking. Okay, we can compromise. Between Purim and Pesach, we can compromise. But you're on the same page. So when I say to women, pick a date on the calendar, and on your first meeting, say, this is when I'm getting married. The women all say, you can't do that. They'll run away. Exactly. That's the purpose. If they're not serious about marriage, they'll run away and it'll save you a lot of time and a lot of heartache. If you're afraid they're going to run away, why are you dating them at all?

So no emotional attachment before engagement, marriage?

Yeah, if you're very lonely. But that's not a romance. That's a psychological problem.

Rabbi, that puts things in perspective. I mean, I'm thinking I wish I knew that, I don't know, way, way, way earlier. This is really life-changing information and very, very helpful, and I'm sure our listeners will find this very valuable. And again, I want to mention that if you really, really want to learn more Just buy the book. It's not a hard read. It's a pretty easy read. And it has even more things that we haven't spoke about, we haven't covered in this podcast, in this book. Really, really recommended. Any final thoughts, Rabbi?

I just want to tell you that what you're doing is such a mitzvah. It's because these, these problems and these, these heartaches, it drives people to suicide. It's horrible. And if you can help one person, you're going to help a lot more than one. So what you're doing is, is literally life-saving.

Thank you very much.

You should be blessed for doing this, and you should find all your happiness that you're looking for, because you've earned it.

Thank you so much, Rabbi. And I'm telling you, I've also just bought the Hebrew book, Lobikashdi Lavola Olam. I actually just got it and I'm so looking forward to read it with Dr. Eilat Ben-Aloul in Israel. Just so inspiring, so mind-blowing. And I'm really, really thankful that you agreed to come to this podcast and to really share all this with our audience. Just to share a little quick thing that's happening in our community, we have something called Solar Tent, which is every Shabbos afternoon, we have a group of single people coming together and trying to meet, trying to come together. And I actually made an announcement on Shabbat about this podcast, and everybody there are so looking forward to learn and to you know, grow and hopefully get married as soon as possible. So by 18, God willing, by 18. So I'm a parent, I gotta start, you know, saving money for the weddings because it's coming.

Yeah.

Thank you very much, Rabbi.

It's amazing how the wisdom of the ancient Rabbanim, Chachamim, so brilliant, so real today. Hasn't gone old, it hasn't gotten, become irrelevant. It's as important today as ever. And we throw it away? For what? For pop psychology?

Absolutely. We have to go back to the mindset of the sages, I call it. That was the right way to do it.

True wisdom. So, Tehbaruch, In everything that you need, and keep up the good work saving lives.

Thank you so much, Rabbi, and I will definitely keep on following you. And everybody that listens can follow Rabbi Friedman on YouTube and Facebook and also on his website. Itsgoodtoknow.com where you can subscribe to his email list and get weekly videos and way, way more information. Thank you so much, Rabbi, for attending this podcast and really, really looking forward to hopefully see you at our next podcast. We'll talk about it in the future.

Anytime.

Bezrat Hashem. Thank you.

Bye-bye. Good night. Goodbye.