How to be the best parent you can be by elevating your child and yourself as a parent.

Okay, hello, hello, Dr. Yechiel Harari, how are you from Israel? I'm here from Los Angeles and today I wanted to talk about amazing subject that is very close to my heart, is very close to a lot of people's heart and it's actually taken from your book, Omanut Ha'agba'a, which was also translated into Chinese, right? That's it, which is amazing. It's really a life-changing book for parents, you know, changing the approach and the attitudes towards the kids and to really understand what's important here, you know, and wanted to kind of more elaborate on that and maybe provide some tools for parents to better parent their children and just to really grow a generation of successful entrepreneurs, of successful independent individuals that would literally change the world and, B'ezrat Hashem, bring the redemption, the geulah.

You know, that is the name of the book. You said it in Hebrew, maybe we should say it in English, the translation. It's The Art of Elevation. How you elevate your children and not only elevate them, how you help them discover their inner powers in order that your children will be able to go out and to break through, break their boundaries, because we have boundaries, and it's usually emotional boundaries. But before we'll get into parenting, I want to say something general. I did so many classes, workshops about winning every moment anew, how to overcome our undesirable emotions, and a lot of time I heard, wow, it's wonderful, it's very, you are right. But it's so hard. It's so hard. So when somebody is saying during a workshop, it's so hard, I know he's not going to change. He's going to stay in his place. He does not go and do something with what he understood, with the tools he took, with the why he understood. And when you teach parenting, when you talk about with parents about their children, they don't want to leave their children even one moment with anxiety, with stress, with depression, with, you know, close with yourself, sealed without. To open. So parenting, in a way, it's the best tool for us to develop ourselves. It's like a bit of manipulation because you talk about parenting, but really it will change us. It will work on us and it will change our point of view on what is going on inside of us and how we can overcome undesirable emotions because there is nothing in parenting that is not connected to you. Why? Because what do you want from the child? What you want from yourself. But you say sometimes, for myself, I'm not sure I'll be able to do that. I am already grown up and I don't have the money and I cannot do that. But when you teach your child, you say to yourself, okay, it's also my opportunity. It's like, it's so parenting is really about ourselves, not only about our children. But there is still a very major, very important role that we have in front of our children. And I think maybe we should start with that.

Yes. What is the role of the parent? So exactly, you know, I kind of like from what I remember, I read your book maybe when it came out, I think was like a couple of years ago, right?

Yeah.

And I think one of the greatest things that I've learned was that that everything we say to our children, it's either lowering them or elevating them. And we have to be really careful what we say to them, even if they do something that we don't like, you know, like spill a smoothie all over the living room, you know, or, you know, or do something, you know, not doing their homework or spending too much time on the screens or not getting ready for bed on time or not getting ready for school on time. And we just want to Sometimes, you know, it drives us crazy because we need to go to work, we have things to do. So, it's very easy for us to stop thinking about the child, think about what we need to do and how much I need to accomplish in my life and go to work and then, you know, my child is there and I'm yelling at my child, God forbid. You know, I used to do that, unfortunately, I apologize to my children.

I would tell you to continue if it would help, but it will never help the child to do what he needs to do or what you need him to do. When you scream, when you shout on your child, he's closing himself, he's getting backward instead of discovering his inner powers.

I know, and this is what I noticed. I noticed that the minute I stopped talking in that voice and instead looking at my child and seeing how can I even use that opportunity to elevate them, and instead of saying Why are you not getting ready on time? Saying, I love you so much. You usually doing things fantastic and I would love more if you would get ready faster because that would show me how much you care and stuff like that. And then I could see the change in my child. It's just like unbelievable how that works. But I wanted to touch a point where, you know, I wanted, you know, to kind of talk about the fact that, for example, sometimes we have siblings, you know, we have two sisters in my case, you know, and we see a lot of times that, you know, and I think it's one of the most difficult things for parents is to see their children fighting, fighting with each other. And sometimes they could be, you know, a little bit mean and you're afraid they're going to do something to each other, hurt each other or whatever, and you don't want to go and you don't want to pick a side, right? You don't say, oh, she's right, she's not right. You're right. So I think that one of my biggest challenge now as a parent is exactly that, is that my children are growing up and all of a sudden they have conflicts. And they have conflicts and I'm like, I'm coming and I'm in the middle and I'm trying to tell them, hey guys, it's really hard because they are both very emotionally charged. You know, and you're coming in the middle and it's very hard to like try to elevate now and try to think now because all you want is like to really stop it, calm down.

You know, first, something general, it's always hard, you know, speaking about something is easy, is the easy thing, doing it is the hard thing, but we are speaking about it, we are talking about it, you know, we are uploading podcasts about it in order to to know what is the right thing. So, in the right moment that you are about to explode, you are now very nice, but when we are about to explode because we need silence and they are making us crazy, you will know what is the right thing, what elevates them and what does not elevate them. So, it's like understanding in advance what is the right way to walk. We will fall. It's like we are not in pharmacy. You know everything is not so clean, but you know where to go, what is the direction, what your child needs. And you said something about it's very important what we say to our children. It's not only about what we are saying, it's about all of our attitude. So let's, instead of pointing about tools and what to say here and what to say there, let's understand the principle. Principle is more important than tools because when you know the principle, you will find the tools. You will be able to extract the tools out of the principles. What is the principle? You said about siblings that are fighting one each other. What is the principle of parenting? The main principle of parenting is to help our child to discover his inner powers. Each one of us has his inner powers and they are concealed. They are concealed with things that we want, external wishes that we have. They are concealed with, you know, sometimes we have undesirable emotions like negative emotions like stress and anxiety. And when a child is angry about something, now it is very hard for him to discover his mind. It is very hard for him to learn. You cannot learn when your mind is learning, like when you are blurred with anxiety or with stress or something like that. So our main purpose is to help them, to help them to discover those inner emotions, the inner powers, the right powers. And whenever the child would listen to you, that's the main question. Why the child, when both of your children will listen to you? Why do they say, okay, Uzi Moses PhD PhD, you're right? Why? Because they know that everything that you are doing is in order to help them discover their powers, their inner powers, their inner traits. And it's not like you are doing things in order to have a quiet moment or you have some kind of interest. When you have an interest that separates between you and the child, when you say to them, I just want you to be quiet because you want them to be quiet, not because you have any intention to understand what is now bothering them, so they will never listen to you because they see that you are not with them really. You have an interest. And when you send them to, okay, take an hour, be with your electronics, with the iPhone or whatever, and then after an hour you wake up and you say, Yo, how much this electronics will kill you, will destroy your mind. All day long you are in front of garbage. An hour it's okay, and an hour and a half it's not okay. They know that there is an interest and you are not acting in order to discover their inner traits. So when a child knows that you are acting, everything that you are doing is not in order to fulfill your own interest. And even if you are going to sleep, you are going to sleep in order to help him discover his inner traits. Why? Because you want to be a better father. You want to be a better father that has power to give to your child. You are not going to sleep for yourself. When a child knows that, he is now ready to accept from you. And why they are fighting? They are fighting, someone fights with another because he thinks that nobody listens to him. Why a child needs to go against you, to scream, to shout, to lie? Why? Because he feels you do not listen to him. He feels that if somebody is listening to me, I don't have any need to fight. If there is justice, if I know there is justice, justice in the sense that everything is clear, I have no need to fight with another. I know everything will go in the right direction. People will listen to me. You will listen to me. My sister will listen to me. And when I feel that something is right, like, I cannot make a sound. Nobody will listen. You listen, but you are not really listening to me. You are not really open to see what I have to say. Why a child that is smoking, let's say a child, a youth that is smoking, the age of 16, needs to hide his cigarettes from his parents? Because he's afraid what they will do to him. But if he wouldn't be afraid, he wouldn't need to hide the cigarettes. Now, this is like a negative example, but you understand the reaction, the way the child acts. It's always if he's feeling confidence and he feels that you accept him as he is and you want to help him to develop himself. And it's not like you are giving him everything he wants. The opposite. You're giving everything he needs. And when he knows that, now he will accept you as a source of he will accept whatever you will tell him, like he will listen to you.

Okay, so I understand the main point here is that our job as parents is to really help our children discover their own kochot, their own powers, their own strength, talents. So let's just try to put it in a practical sense, okay? Right now my child is—

Just another sentence that means to help him win his inner battle between those voices that he has inside of him. The difference between a child that got a good education, good parenting, he has good parents, and a child that does not, is not how much he learns and if he finds himself as a professor or he makes money, that's not the case. The case is if you gave him enough tools to win his inner battles, the battles against undesirable negative emotions that he has. And when you taught your child to overcome agony or stress or we said anxiety or anger, that's when he will have the engine to go out and to conquer the world and to make the revolution and the reduction that we talked about in the beginning.

Right. Right. You know, I'm fortunate enough that my children are actually learning in a spiritual school and they understand the concept of Moch Shalit Al Alev. So it happened to me a few times that my older daughter was really finding herself in a very emotional state, and I kind of brought in that concept on her. I said, remember, Moch Shalit Al Alev. The mind should control your heart. Your common sense should control your emotions. And when I keep on telling this to her again and again and again, when she finds herself about to do something she's going to regret later, that concept kind of penetrates into her being and she is really changing her attitude, changing her style. But, you know, for example, for parents that maybe don't have that concept, you know, or don't understand that concept, maybe the child don't understand that concept. Well, what would the parents do? You know, children are fighting, they're screaming, they're throwing stuff at each other. Parents coming in, what should the parents do?

How can they help? Let's take some principles. First of all, nothing starts with one episode, Tom. It's not like you are getting into education and parenting. It's about a process. It's not like you are solving one thing. Parents sometimes come to me and say, what should I say to my child in order that he will not have anxiety or will not fight with his brother? If you fight with your wife every day, you are killing each other, screaming all day long, and now you want your child not to scream, not to fight between themselves. It's like, first of all, you have to bring— it's about the atmosphere at home. The first principle is to accept unconditionally your child. When you accept him, accept him, it's like when he finds the love that he gets, that he receives from you without any condition. You do not love him because because he got good grades, because— and the opposite, you do not dislike him in a way, you know, children are very, very sensitive. They know when, like, they are a bit overweight and you look at them, oh, you gained 2 kilos more, and you say nothing, you just hide all the sweets, you are eating the sweets, but you do not let them. So accepting them unconditionally is not looking about the— external way they look, or what they did, or what they didn't do. Or you think that the children of the neighborhood are more successful. It's like really accepting them. Or when your child is, you know, saying to you, I don't want to be here. It's like, only when you will accept yourself unconditionally, it's the first step. Accepting myself is letting myself be. And it's more than that. It's loving myself. It's loving myself not externally, not from the perspective of I want to bring to myself things. It's like accepting the way I am and the way the Creator created me. And when you accept yourself without self-accusation and all those stuff, you will accept your child. And now when you accept him, now there is a bridge that you can get to him. And he's feeling that he's loved. You have place, you have space here. He can say something to you without you judging him, screaming on him, accepting from him. You have so many expectations. Now, so the first thing when a parent is getting in and he's smiling and he's happy, in a bit he's bringing, even though you had a hard day. You know, everyone has a hard day. But before you are knocking on the door, before you're getting inside, you are stopping a minute, you said to yourself, if I'm getting inside my house, with this face of, you know, of struggling and bittering and hating and why this and why that, I will destroy everything. I won't bring, I won't elevate them. So you stop before you do that. And you know the consequences of what you are doing. And you are saying, okay, I'm getting in smiling. Smiling. And when you're smiling and you're really interested, not in the hard day that you have been through, but in your child, then they will stop. Because they want— when somebody is smiling, it's like a magnet. It's like, you know, magnitude. Everyone that is around. And you cannot fight when your father is smiling, "Children, come to give me a hug," instead of, "Children, why are you all fighting?" It's like, it's a different attitude. So they feel you, that you see them, and you are ready to listen to them, and you are ready to sit with them, to read with them, to see with them something, to do with them something. You are not in a hurry to, you know, to go to your things, to your computer, to your Facebook or whatever. So, a child needs you in order that you will feed him with the right nutrition. And the right nutrition is helping discover his inner powers. And when you do that, he will feel comfortable enough to go to do his own things. And when he does not feel that, he is like trying to catch your attention in different ways. So, this is the first thing. Accept unconditionally. And accepting unconditionally, must be shown, must be felt. How? With love. Love, you know, love is not in the air. Love is not in the air. Love should be seen. You bring something. You went, you are going back. So buy something small. Pay attention. He's running to you with what he did with his painting from his garden. Look at it. See it. Your student son is trying to tell you something about his test, about his exams. Hear him. Be there for them. That's the first thing. And when they feel that, it's like magic. It's like whenever you think about yourself when you're getting to work and your client is screaming and shouting and is full of expectation, you are like, okay, what is going on? You just want to leave. And when you have someone that Oh, Uzi, I made for you something to eat and then, and come drink with me coffee and there is a cake and let's talk. And so you are there. Okay, I don't care about now the job. That's the first thing.

You got to give attention. You got to really be there. Be there present with your child.

Not scared of the people. More than attention. Accept them. Accept them. Don't be judgmental. It's like more than that. Accept them as they are. The second thing, the second tool which is very important to help them, you know, all the— when you are speaking about fighting between siblings, it's what we are talking about. We are talking about some kind of emotion arose in the child that made him angry. If he wasn't angry, he will not fight. He is angry or he is offended or he is feeling that nobody gives him his place that he deserves or there is one emotion or two or more that now controls him. And this emotion is connected to his ego, and it's like somebody stepped on his ego. And children have the most ego. Why? Because think about the baby. It's all about himself. He's thinking about himself. He's in the middle. It's all about himself. And you know, a grown-up baby is someone that is still around himself, and it's all about himself. It's a grown baby. So think about it, like now the most important thing is to help him to overcome this negative emotion. When he will be able to overcome the negative emotion, he won't have any need to fight. Why? Because he will change his perspective. What you say before, Mordechai Eliezer Halev, the mind is governed the heart and it helps you navigate and to a bit weaken the undesirable emotions. So what you are doing, it's like helping them not to be in the center. That's the most important thing, to help the child not to be in the center. The first thing we said, unconditional acceptance. It's more than love even. It's like in Hebrew, it's atzmut, it's essence, to accept his essence. The second thing, which is very important, is to take him out of the center. How do you take someone out of the center? You give him a job, you give him an assignment, you help him, you say, okay, now you are in charge on something. You give him a way that he is influencing and he is influencing, it's not about him, it's about what he is doing, it's about what he is influencing and when he is influencing, you want, you know, I am now in charge on doing supper or something very important.

Putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

Yeah, but we have to be very careful because giving them Giving them, you know, assignment and giving them responsibility and let them be in charge on something. It's not giving them jobs to do. It's not like they are helping us.

It's like to do actually. They're going to feel proud doing it.

Something important and proud. Something that you feel, okay, now my father is really appreciating me. And now I know which way to— And when you have responsibility, You do not allow yourself, you know, to fight for nothing because you have responsibility. So this is the second thing. But the result is when you took the child out of the center, you helped him what? Not to think only about himself. Not to see only himself. Not to help him to weaken his undesirable or his negative emotion. That's the main process. It's like when I have now, think about yourself. Now you have something, you are disturbed. With something and you have some kind of stress, but now you have responsibility to do something and people are waiting for you. You cannot allow yourself to be in this place because you have something to bring to the world. It's not about you. It's like about what you have to do.

That's an amazing, amazing point to actually turn them into influencers and then that's kind of remove them from the center and distract them from this negative emotion and they connect to a more positive influencer emotion that they are doing something positive in the world and also make them feel that they are important, they are capable of doing something more than just, you know, fighting. Obviously not to give them, you know, work at home to wash the floor, obviously, but give them something more important like, you know, be responsible for something that they're going to actually like. And I love that concept. So you said there was That was the second thing. What was the third thing, by the way?

Learn with them. To learn, what does it do? You know, there are different kinds of learning. There are the things that you learn because you have to. And when you have to learn, it's like I'm doing it without really passion to the thing. But when I learn and I find the enthusiasm in this thing and I find it as a treasure, I learn something, you know. When you really learn something and you feel excitement, and that's, I think, the most important thing that a parent can do with his child to help him. You know, this is the main exam that each teacher has, and each teacher has at the end of the year. If your child finished the year and now he has passion to what you taught him, that's the most important thing. It doesn't matter if you learn so many things and now he's ready to throw everything to the garbage energy is now, you know, putting everything on fire. No. If he has a passion to it, that's the thing. Doesn't matter if you learn even small thing because it will say that he will continue to learn it. And the most important thing is to help the child to discover pleasure in the thing that he is learning. Pleasure in the thing that he is learning means that he will continue with that. And we must help them with The thing, how do we help them to find pleasure in the thing that they are learning? You want to learn with your daughter something about modesty, about herself, about life, about doesn't matter. So what you are doing when you want something to be pleasurable, you want something to be, you order pizza and you make it nice and you bring something that she likes and you sit together and you are comfortable. And what you are not doing, you are not about being upset and and putting exams and, you know, putting stress in the process. And when the child feels the pleasure in what he is learning, what happens now is undesirable emotions that navigate him to fight with his siblings. Now they disappear because pleasure and anger does not go together. They contradict each other. When you are in pleasure, you do not looking for a fight. So when the child is learning, and learning is a very important thing because learning, it's the most, you know, the mind, our mind, it's the most important thing that human being has. It's like without using our mind in fulfilling the potential of the mind, you cannot innovate and you cannot feel, see things from different perspective. You are like losing the most precious thing that you have, the mind as a navigator of the heart.

Amazing, amazing. Really, really, you know, interesting tools. And I'm sure that parents that's going to listen to this podcast and even parents-to-be and even single people that going to be parents one day to understand all these very important parenting ideas and to be able to implement them, it's not only helping your child, it's actually helping you grow. And all those concepts, when we implement them also in our life, in everything else, in our job, in our work, we can see a major improvement and major progress. Because after all, we all want to influence and we don't want to be in the center. Because when we are in the center, this is when all the trouble begins. So, I wanted to thank you for your time today. It's such an amazing opportunity to have you come and speak to us. And again, this is the book. It's in Hebrew now. If you speak Chinese, you can maybe find it in Chinese. But one day, it will get translated to English, hopefully. Such a wonderful book. Thank you so much, Dr. Rafi El-Arari.

See you next time.

See you next time.