Why are you still single?

Why is it so difficult to find a soulmate? Why people stay single for so long? How come people having issues staying single and they just want to find their spouse and fall in love and it's so difficult? Especially when we are living in a time where we have apps and dating apps and people can just go there and meet new people and it's just so available. So how come? How come so many single people are stuck?

It's a wonderful question, Uzi Moses PhD PhD. How are you? Hello. Great to see you, to be here.

How's it going?

Great, thank you.

Yeah, so I think that you're probably one of the most qualified people to answer those questions since those are things that are very emotionally impacted, you know, finding your soulmate, being in a relationship, being You know, in a relationship that actually makes you happy and lit you up and brings the best out of you, which is something that everybody wants and wish to have.

I saw you talk from your heart. It's like, I saw at the beginning when you open, it's like it's really bothered you. Why is it so hard to find our soulmate? And the question is, it is all on our shoulders. You know, the answer is, everyone should believe that he can do that and he can find his The problem starts by finding your soulmate. It's not finding a soulmate, there is nothing like a soulmate. It's an invention in a way. Why? Because we have a lot of soulmates that could be our best partner to life. But we have to do something. Let's see the first criteria in order to succeed, in order to find the soulmate, what you call the soulmate. The first criteria is to choose. And not only to choose, to decide that what I chose, it's the best place for me. Why people have problems to concentrate? Think about it for a moment. Why? Because there are a lot of channels open, opens, and there are a lot of things that calls me. And I don't know where to take myself, what to do. If I'll go to sport, I'm losing dating with friends, doing things with friends. If I'm watching TV, so then, because I'm not choosing, I'm not doing nothing. That's the major— in order to succeed in everything, you have to concentrate. And it's the same in marriage and in finding your spouse and finding your soulmate. Why? Because think about those apps, you see, you have somebody that is beautiful. Michal, she is gorgeous and you think to yourself, okay, I want to date her. And then there is another one, another one, another one. And you say to yourself, maybe the other one is the most The most suitable for me.

It's better than the one, the previous one you saw.

So it's what you have to do, the first thing that you have to do, think about a 21-year-old boy that gets married and he says to himself, I'm going to get married with someone. I met somebody like that and he said, I'm going to get married with someone, but she is the one for me. I don't care about all the other options. So in order to concentrate, you have to eliminate all other, eliminate, you know, Maybe it's not the right word.

You have to focus on one.

You have to sacrifice the other options to say there are no more options. I have only Anath. I'm getting married with Anath. She is my wife. I don't care about the other options. Maybe they are suitable, maybe they are not. She is the one for me. So I decide. The moment I decided, I decided that she is the right one for me. I decided that she is the soulmate for me. So this is one criteria that could help us so very much.

So you put all the other options on the side, or you just ignore the other options because A lot of people are so stuck into the idea that my soulmate hasn't arrived yet, my tikkun hasn't arrived yet.

That's what I'm trying to say.

You know, who is my perfect match hasn't arrived yet. And a lot of people are waiting. They're just waiting for that imaginary spouse or imaginary husband to come on like a white horse like in the movies, you know.

And sometimes you see people that are waiting for many years and it's, You know, there are a few characteristics that each one of us must have in order to find our soulmate. You know, finding soulmates, finding spouse, finding someone to run with him through this, you know, life challenges is like finding everything, everything else. I went to give example. I went with my daughter to the market and they are in Jerusalem, Machne Yehuda, and there are beautiful all kinds of stores there. And I thought that before we leave, let's see all the opportunities. And we saw pizza and that, that there were about 30 opportunities, great one. Then we chose one. When we chose one, when we started to eat, I told her, wow, it's pity we didn't took the other one. And when you have so many options, when you think about there is this one that it will be the best for you, you're losing the point. What will be the best for you? It's what you will be dedicated to it. And you'll decide here I want to build my house, here I want to develop myself. Still there is something very important. It's only half of the equation. We need to add some more things to the equations. And that is, you know—

It kind of brings me to the second question that I want to ask you because how do you know that the person that you choose is the one that you should focus on and cancel the other options? Because this is pretty much what you're saying to me. You're saying, listen, there is 100 pizza shops. I went to this one and then I'm eating I'm eating the slice and I'm thinking, oh, I should have went to the other one.

So it's the same thing. Or to eat toast or whatever.

I'm wasting an evening of my life. I'm wasting, I don't know, 2, 3 hours maybe going to a restaurant. How do I know? How do I know that right now this woman is the one and I should cancel every other options that I have and just focus on her? Because a lot of people are kind of burnt out from relationships. They're hurt. They are traumatized from previous relationships. And there is a lot of fear in saying, okay, I'm just going to focus on that because what if she's not? And that option will always be there. I mean, that question or that fear or that doubt, so to say, will be there. And when you think about it, it's just like almost imaginary. It's like in the movies when you can actually fall in love at first sight and then just do like your heart.

She is the one, she is the one, he is the one.

There is nothing else I want to do and I just want to focus.

It could happen, it could happen.

It could happen but it's not the same.

Don't lose passion.

No, of course not. But it just feels people are just like very suspicious and very afraid and they're not, even if they see somebody that they really like and there is an amazing connection and attraction and chemistry.

But they are afraid.

They are still afraid because of previous relationship, because of traumas or whatever or scratches.

It's a wonderful question and you gave the answer inside the question. That means, you know, we have two modes in our soul, in our traits. One trait that we have, each one of us has, is influencing. If you are not influencing, you do not feel that you give something to the world. You have to influence. Each one of us must influence. In influence we include also love. You must know to love, it's about me. When I love, it's not about you. I want to love, I want to give, I want to hug, I want to, I want to. It's about me, it's not about you. And the other trait that we have, the other general trait that we have, the other way to manifest our soul is what? Is accept, to be acceptor, to go a little bit backward. It's not only love, it's awe. In Judaism, awe, it's very important. It's even more reverence. More important than love. What does it mean? Oh, accepting, getting one step backward means that I see you. I don't see what I need. I don't see what I want. I don't see the image of the picture of the soulmate that I thought that it will be the most suitable for me. It's not, that does not mean that I'm waiting for something. When I see you, I see exactly who am I getting married with. And most of the problems of people that got married is that they woke up after a year or two, five, ten, and they see, oh, she is not the one that I got married with. She has changed. No, you never saw her. No, you only saw what you wanted to see. You see only the image that you wanted to see. And now you are complaining that she is not what you wanted her to be. So if you really want to find your soulmate, to find, you know, the one that is matching for you, you have to see him. In order to see him, you have to neglect everything that you want. I want her to be like that. I remember you said at the beginning, I have a lot of trauma that I carry with me. You have to put aside your traumas and what you have been through, because if you bring your traumas to the table, you bring your last relationship to the table, and now you don't see her. She is something else. The most important thing is not only to love and not only to manifest love and passion, Passion, it's all about, you know, a bit secrecy, that you don't see everything. You know, there is no passion when you see the whole picture. So you have to take one step backward. One step backward means don't be you. Don't be full of yourself when you are meeting someone. Otherwise you will never see her. See, you never see yourself. You'll see only yourself, not her.

So in other words, what you're saying is that when I come to the relationship, I need to put my needs and wants on the side. And instead of thinking about 'What do I want? What do I need?' I have to look at the other person and see really who's in front of me. What can I actually give to that person?

Not what I give. See him. See him. It's just, you know, like, it's like in parenting.

What do you mean?

When you see, you know, when you have relationship with someone, 'I don't understand what you need from me. I can't understand you.' No, listen a little bit. Nobody needs from you nothing. I need from you to see me, to see my character, to see my needs, to see where I am. It's like seeing Let's get back to the example of food. I know what I like, but you will never try something new. I know what I want. You'll never try, you'll never understand. If you'll compare everything that you are eating now to what you know or to what you ate, you will never be able to experience new experiences and to get in love with something with the new food because you remember when you were 2 that you didn't like Carrot. I don't know.

So you're saying I should not focus on what should I give that person, but I should focus more on the emotional— What do I get?

What do I see?

What do I see in that person, like the emotional makeup, the psychological, you know.

And what happens then? What happens then?

The question is what should I focus on? Because let's just say I'm putting my needs on the side.

What happens then? What happens then? Love. What is love? Love is that when I see someone, When I really see him and I get connected with him, so when I see him, I feel a bit my emotions. What does it mean? Emotions are the engine of the soul. I see, I feel them bringing me closer to this man or woman that I'm meeting. And all relationships start to get, you know, a picture of two people that are trying to get to be one. The whole idea of relationship before you get to find a spouse or someone to get to marry him or to go full life is why. You have to ask yourself, why do you want it? Why do you want it? If you want just someone to be with you in order not to be alone, so you buy a dog. If you are looking for, you know, inheritance and to bring children in order to, that you'll have children, it's not enough because you don't really want him or her. You want children. I want you to get married with you, but I want your children. I want you to bring to me children or to do together children. If you want, you know, that it will be easier to pay the mortgage, so you have to get married. So you don't really want— you want— you understand the point?

Yeah, I got the point.

So the point is that why do you want to get married? You want to get married— you want the answer?

Of course.

The answer is that—

I'm sure the audience wants the answer too.

The answer is marriage is all about being one, discovering unity in your life. Marriage is a microcosmos of everything that we are doing. And being one is one of the most happiest, and it's like experience, it's living.

So let's elaborate more about what does it mean to be one? Like, okay, so I want, obviously, you know, I should not focus on my loneliness, or I want children, or I want a woman to help me pay the mortgage, right? I really want to be one with her, and what really that What means on a practical level to be one and to have that as something that's going to show me the path to what we both want, so to happiness together?

It's a beautiful question because being one starts with your wills. When I have a will to something and this will contradict your will, we cannot be one. When we are one, when your will—

You mean my desire and her desire?

Desire, I think maybe, It's a low term, desire. It's like, it's will, it's what, it's the arrow that navigates you through life. What do you really want? What is your will is what do you really want? And when I understand that I have a lot of wills, if I want chocolate, then what that, you cannot be one with nothing because each will that you have separates you from other things. So the only way to be one is to sacrifice my will. What does it mean? Take it down to earth. It's like my wife now, she wants to go to a hotel to do this kind of things. I want to do other kind of things. I have a lot of things that I want to go to, to the desert to, to have a trip. I want to bring money. She wants me to be a better— he want, she wants, I want. If we won't be able to take all our wishes and to, to make it one, to have to sacrifice, to, to, to nullify my will with her will, it won't succeed. So if you can do it in the first date, or for those first dates, say, okay, I have a lot of wills. I want someone that will come to me to LA. I want someone that will be the mother of my children. I want someone, etc. Maybe it's not their will. You have to put aside, to come to the relationship, to come to the meeting without a will, and it's very hard because I have so many wills. Without a will, and then only then you can start being one with their will. Will. It's like what I'm trying to say. If you're— the more spiritual you are, the more souls will be a match for you. The less spiritual you are, the more mundane you are, the more you are busy about, you know, mundane things, the less— yes, they are more interested in the less opportunities to be one with someone. And if you will find your match, it will be an interest match. It won't be a real match. So the more spiritual we are, spiritual means that you are not connected only to mundane, to physical things, that you allow yourself to say, okay, I really want this coffee, but I'm ready to sacrifice this coffee in order to listen to something that is important, that is new, that makes me excited, that makes me think. Why? Because you're sacrificing something that is material in order to get something that is more spiritual. Knowledge is spiritual to understand something. So the more you are like that, the more opportunities that you'll find your match. What I'm trying to say that our match relationship, it's there. You said at the beginning, all the apps, everything is open. Just do it. It's not like, I don't know, 30 years ago. If you were living in a neighborhood in some place, you couldn't find, meet someone in another neighborhood because it was so far away or whatever, unless you went to the vacation. Today it's very easy because of the—

Right, it's easy to meet people, but it's not easy to match with them.

But you have to put, in order to do that, you have to put aside your wills.

So what do you do when you listen to this amazing podcast and you get the point and you go on a date and you are able to put your will on the side, but the other person is not doing the same?

You know, in Ibu, every question that we're asking about pre-marriage, pre-relationship is right after the relationship or during the relationship. Why? Because you have to choose your wife every day. I'm married for more than 20 years, and every day again and again I have to find what I like in my life, to see her, to sacrifice my will, to get one step backward, to really engage with—

amazing point—

it's without that it won't happen. But there is There is a law that says, that King Solomon says this law, "Kemay mapanim lapanim," as if you are looking in the water, you will see your own face. That means—

"Kakhlev adam el adam," which means the heart of man to man is the way you look.

If you are in a specific state of mind, if you have a mindset, Everyone will notice this mindset. If you are narrow in your mindset, people will notice that. And they will say, he's narrow, I'm narrow, now let's, you know, let's bargain about the small money. If you are open-minded and you really see and you really listen and you really try to understand who am I and where, what are those points that we can share in our life and what is the directions, the wheel that we take our life, then you will get in love with the one that is next to him, he, she, doesn't matter. She will have the same movement in her heart. Why? Because her heart will go in the same direction of the face.

Right. So in other words, you're saying before you go out on a date, do some internal work. Really think about—

Most important thing.

Think about exactly, think about all those things, do this internal work, come with the right attitude. With the right heart, and then that heart will reflect.

You know, there is this idea of— this idea, you know, before we record podcast, there is this idea of going to a therapy together. In Hebrew it's called shalom bayit. It's like peace in the house. But there is nothing. It's a wrong term. Why is it a wrong term? Because there is nothing like, let's go together to therapy. Usually when two go to therapy, one wants the other one to accept what he thinks. I want the therapist to say, okay.

From experience, it doesn't work.

It doesn't work because you want something to change, you want a shift in your house, work on yourself. Make this change by yourself. You have to work on yourself and when you will work on yourself, your spouse, your friend will see it and he will make his own change. He will grow by his own. Usually, almost all the time, it works like that. Even with children. Children does not need to go with you to therapy. When you work on yourself, they will notice that and then immediately they will stop being in anxiety or whatever. Because you are stopping screaming and acting like a boy.

Right. That's an amazing understanding and really way of really kind of approaching this whole dating and finding a soulmate thing. And I mean, I kind of got it. I think I got it. Hopefully the audience got it as well. And what can I tell you? I really wish all the single people to have success finding a soulmate and really working on themselves, coming with the right heart. Putting their will on the side for a minute, look at the person in front of you and really see what you can really do to manifest something together, to become one with that soul. And the success of each couple, it's the success of the whole world.

Because marriage, it's the interest of each one of us. A good marriage, right? Why? Because when you have a good marriage, that means you are a better person. You work on yourself, you discover your inner powers, your inner traits.

I also liked what you said, that you have to choose your wife every morning, and you have to see the good things in her every morning, and you have to, you know, love her every morning as new. Because otherwise, it's like, you know, if otherwise you will prefer something else, right?

Thank you very much, Uzi Moses PhD PhD PhD.

It was great, it was great to hospital you, to I feel so blessed to be here in Israel in your studio. It's so nice. This is really, really, really a huge blessing and I hope our audience will appreciate as well.

And you are more than welcome to subscribe to my growing channel. I'm just starting to upload all the ideas that I'm giving in the Hebrew channel and to Uzi's channel, Uzismos. You will have all the links downstairs. See you next time. Next episode.

Okay?