#33: Let's Get Restored with Guest, Dr. UeJin Kim of Restore Psychiatry MD PLLC

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We're Erika Radis and Marie Lifschultz, a San Antonio area realtor and lender, but most importantly, we're working moms.

The goal of this podcast is to provide support and a sense of community to San Antonio area working moms like us. So join us in trying to find a balance between career, family, and everything in between. Welcome to this week's episode of the Working Moms of San Antonio podcast. We are here with Dr. Kim, who is a psychiatrist, and we're going to turn it over to her so she can talk about her work.

Hi, thank you so much for having me. So my name is Dr. Eugene Kim. I'm a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist. I have my private practice here in San Antonio, in Helotes, called Restore Psychiatry MD, PLLC.

That's great. Thanks so much for being here. Can you talk a little bit about your work and maybe what kinds of things you see patients for?

Yeah, so the big kind of confusion to clarify is there's a psychiatrist who is medical, MD or DO trained.

Yeah.

And then there's psychologist who's PhD trained, and then there's counselors and therapists. And as a psychiatrist, I'm able to manage more medications and prescribe medications for depression, anxiety, or PTSD or something like that. Now, some psychiatrists go fancy with ketamine trials and TMS and transmagnetic stimulation, all that machines. But for me, I'm more bread and butter. Medication management. But I think for me, what I realized since my training is that just medications doesn't work as well as getting to know my patients and doing a little bit more therapy and, and then prescribing medications. So I think as a psychiatrist, I tend to do that more 50/50 with my patients.

Okay.

So that's a big thing. And my clinical interest is more anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Just because I would say I understand it more because I went through my seasons with moods and anxiety and PTSD symptoms. So trying to find healing in my own life, I think I can share that with my patients and really know what's going on in my head. So a lot of times patients tell me like, man, so I have a podcast and I explain how anxiety sounds like in your head and patients tell me like, Man, it's like you're living in my head. And I'm like, I know, because I'm a human being who has anxiety just like you. So, right, that's just my passion to share how to tackle these mental health issues.

And Dr. Kim, how long have you been in your practice?

So this is my third year of my practice. Yeah. And I finished my training with child psychiatry in 2019. So I guess some psychiatrists consider me like Toddler psychiatrist, just a few years out of the practice. But yeah, 2019, I did some kind of telepsych jobs here and there, but it really didn't click because it just seemed like they were catering to the payees, which were the clinics, and making me sacrifice the quality of care that I wanted to provide, like rush, rush, rush, or talk to the teenager and give them meds where I just wanted to bring back the quality of just doing life together, just meeting my patients where they're at and really spending time with them. So that led me to opening up my private practice 3 years ago.

I think that's amazing because I think a lot of physicians and industry in general will lead with just medicate them and let's move on. Sometimes that's not all that you need. You need a little bit more.

So yeah, absolutely. And I can, I can empathize with that pressure of dealing with the insurance and whatnot, I'm really blessed because my husband's taking care of the financial burden of paying the bills. So technically I could have just gotten any job or whatever, but private practice is more my passion project. And that's why I can do it very freely without any financial burdens on my shoulders. So I, I know that I'm unique in a sense that I'm very blessed to have that.

Well, we've actually seen in a lot of different practices in the medical field where people are trying to go more private. To have the ability to provide that quality of care. We've seen another— not just obviously psychology or psychiatry, that, that aspect, or counseling, but we see a lot of people like nurse practitioners, clinical nurses, that they're opening their own small practice in order to provide full care and the ability to be with the patient and get to know them better and provide better care. So I've seen that, like, probably in the last 2 years, we see a lot of those opening. Recently.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

And, and I don't know, it's just, that's a big debate, right? Like, where's the money going to? And why are we not getting quality care? And, and I don't know if this podcast, this platform is the best fit for that. But I know that as a patient, I deal with a lot of, oh, doctor will call you whenever she or he can. And I don't hear them for weeks. So that really, me being a patient, perspective, that really made me think, okay, I can't be everyone. Like, I'm a mom of two little, little kids, so it's like, I want to be a good husband— or sorry, good wife and a mom.

Yeah.

And also a good psychiatrist. So just balancing those really made my business model really specific. So I don't take insurance because I don't want to deal with that extra administrative burden that I can't and my hours are very short. It's a very small practice, but it limited it. And, but I can give the quality care. So I don't have a receptionist. The patients, when they call, they're like, hey, do you take a new patient? And I'm like, oh, I'm Dr. Kim. And they're like, what?

You're the doctor? Oh my gosh. I bet they are so surprised. If that was me, I would be like, really?

So they're like, oh, what? And I was like, yeah, I'm the billing department receptionist and a doctor. So I, I am very hands-on with that communication too, because every, every touch with the clinician matters. So I do want to keep that quality pretty high.

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I love what you're doing. I like before when you talked about specifically the anxiety part of things. I have suffered with anxiety in my life and I've been medicated at different times and I've gone to therapists and different things. And while I think they knew kind of like what they were supposed to say to me. They definitely hadn't had the same experience as I had, and that was very apparent. And so I like that you specialize or focus sometimes on these things that you've maybe gone through, because it sounds like you talk about it in your podcast, but what anxiety looks like and what it feels like to that person is very different. And so it is very hard to explain. Like, I mean, I, I've had conversations with friends and stuff where it's like, I feel like I'm dying, and they're like, But why? Nothing's wrong. And I'm like, no, I know. Like, I know nothing's wrong. Like, logically, I know. And so I like that you're doing that and taking even that extra step to have that specialized time and quality of care with your patients, because I just think it is, like Marie mentioned, it was lacking and we're seeing more of it now. And I think that's so important.

Well, I think as a mom, I want some— if I have a child or myself or even a spouse suffering from that, I want someone to take the time. With them to understand, especially— I don't think I've ever suffered from anxiety. I get stressed out, but I don't think I've suffered from that. So being a person who's not, then I would have a hard time. I do have a hard time understanding what that looks like. So knowing that there's a doctor who might have gone through the same thing that can relate to my child is wonderful, that can really understand and then help me as a parent understand.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, and I think a lot of my work is, especially when I'm seeing children, is educating. Let's just backtrack, right? Like, what is anxiety? What is mental health? Like, that's a big stigma. And I think social media was very helpful in a sense that it brought up the awareness, but there's just a lot of misinformation and a lot of just like hyped-up information all over. So when my patients, as an adult or a parent of a child, they're like, Oh, I know that they have autism. I know that they have ADHD. I know that they have anxiety. It's like, okay, like, let's just take it all in and break it down, like, help you explain. And you're absolutely right in a sense that I feel like my job as a psychiatrist is so that a parent or a child or adult never has to Google ever again. So they look at social media, look at Google as an information to start, but if I'm not addressing all the leftover questions, then I feel like, what are we doing here? Like, what are you paying money for? So, so that's one thing, bringing clarity to this like really confusing world of not understanding mental health. And that's, that's another reason why I made the podcast, because to me, at this year of my training, after my training, I see like anxiety and depression and PTSD they all happen at the same time a little bit, right?

Right.

So for me, I can see it like a flavor, like it's like an ice cream where, oh, this symptom is coming from PTSD from your trauma, but it's mixed with the anxiety here with this event, car accident. So I can see it as a flavor and I explain it like that to my patients so that when they're like that, we start to speak the same language. So they're like, oh, I couldn't sleep last night, but my thoughts were like this. So it seemed more like anxiety, not PTSD. So is really educating and teaching another language to my patients so that we can find out the best treatment plan moving forward. Because that's, that's what patient-physician relationship is all about. If we were just talking for 10 minutes and throwing meds, like, what are we going to do about that?

Right, right. So do you find then that because of the internet and that kind of things, people, or parents rather, are coming in, like, like you said, they just think they know what it is. And so they come in there saying like, hey, this is what's going on, like, do something about this rather than getting it evaluated?

I would say those kind of rigid kind of conclusion parents are probably 10 to 20%, and I think they come from, I know my child, I'm the parent, and you don't know them. And a lot of times though, these parents got burnt out from other providers. Or they got told something and it wasn't true. So they're doing their research and their research is all they got. So they come with knives up, like, what are you going to say about my child? So when they see me, hopefully at the end of the appointment, I'm sharing my expertise. I'm acknowledging what they see, but interpreting with what training I have so that I just let them know we're not against each other. We're working together to provide the best diagnosis and care for your child. And hopefully that comes through. And, and like I said, sometimes my style doesn't fit with the parent or the patient, and that's a whole nother issue. But my whole thing is, is I can understand why parents would get burnt out from this journey of taking care of the child. And that leads me to my my big thing about parents is that parents need to take care of their mental health issues and take care of themselves first. And Erika, when you were sharing that you got treatment, I love that because my whole big thing is, is recently I've been coining the term like mental health retirement advisor kind of thing where, you know, we only think about this is Working Mom Podcast, right? So we're building a business to take care of our family and hopefully leave a financial legacy. Not only taking care of our current needs, but for future needs. But for me, I like to add that you're leaving a mental health, and I would say even spiritual health legacy to our next generations.

Absolutely.

You know what I mean? Like, and, and whether we like it or not, we're bringing up the baggages from previous generations on our plate as well. Like, how are you parented? What happened to you? How are you treated when you failed? All that kind of nuances in our I would say in our genes, right? And we're dealing with life, business, taking care of kids, and whether we like it or not, we're singing some kind of tune, you know, in our raising our kids. And I would say, I mean, I'm not supposed to treat the parent and child altogether, that would be weird, but I can also see what parents are bringing to the plate. Yeah. And how it's affected the child. So, but a lot of times we're brainwashed or maybe programmed to think, if I have $100, I'm going to spend it on my kid's mental health, right? Yeah, I would question that. I would say, if you have $100, spend it on your mental health. Yeah, because that has lasting effects for your kid, and you will be better and better equipped, better healed to take care of your children.

That's great advice.

Yeah, that's such a good point.

It really is. I had a conversation with a good friend of mine early this morning on my drive into the office, and I knew we were having the recording today, and I was talking about you a little bit. And she has 3 children, and her eldest is about to turn 16 and is struggling. She's on the spectrum. She's seen several, several doctors, several different things, different medications, doesn't seem to work. And she had some concerns that she's about to be 16, and she was telling me, she said, Maria, I don't see her being able to live on her own eventually. I don't think that's ever going to happen for her. And it made me real sad. But I can hear the stress in her voice, the strain she and her husband are going through, and the strain it's also putting on the two younger children within the family who also suffer from some stuff going on. And she's, from the very beginning, has been very open about getting her help. But what do you do when you have a child who is suffering from different, from anxiety, depression, different things, and you know that they're going to be coming of age and you don't have a, and you have those concerns? Is that something you would bring to the doctor? Is that something you need to have? Like, are there resources for someone like that? Or I don't know. She's like, I don't even know how to bring it up thinking I know she's going to be adult. I just don't see her being able to safely be on her own eventually. Yeah.

And I think what part of, part of the patient-physician relationship is to go next to my patients and do life with them. Right. And I think part of doing life and kind of being a coach slash parent figure in their life is setting realistic expectations. Right. Like, so if a child or if an adult has moderate to significant spectrum disorder or some kind of like that. Not saying all, right? Like, so there's difference between depression, anxiety, and then now intellectual disability or autism. That's whole another neurocognitive issues, right? But depending on what you have, realistic expectations is okay with your set, not like prognosis of like they'll never be independent, but letting the mom know it's going to be hard for them to be independent, you know what I mean? So, of course, and maybe in a way protecting that from societal pressure of when you're 18 you should be independent, you know what I mean? That's a blanket expectation what the society says for us, but as a psychiatrist, she's like, well, this is This is who they are, right? And what is, what is their optimizations of their potential and reaching their potential and celebrating it versus, oh, they're not paying their own bills, they can't do this and they're a failure. So protecting the parent to feel that from that pressure. So that's number one thing. But on the other hand, there's a lot of people with mental health issues who are like prognosed, bad prognosis. Themselves, like, I'll never be off, I should be on disability, or I should get— do this, I'm going to settle for less. But as a psychiatrist, I'm supposed to push them and make them have realistic expectations. Well, I understand how you feel this way, but I actually think you can achieve a little bit more than you're giving yourself credit for. So that kind of relationship is, is so vital for my patients to hear a doctor say that to them. It's like, you're right on track. And just to piggyback, people with trauma and they're, they're holding it together, but they're like breaking at the seams and they're like feeling so guilty that they're struggling this much. I always tell them, your struggle is not 100% your fault. It's part of the trauma and we need to work with that, but just know that it's not all you.. And a lot of my PTSD patients find relief, like, oh, I'm so struggling and it's not just me, or it's not all my fault. So putting the credit— giving the credit where it's due, giving the burden where it's due. I think that's part of the healing process that I want to give all my patients.

Yeah.

Yeah. That makes sense. I mean, we just— I just released today a little blog post about like sort of acknowledging how small steps are still steps, you know what I mean? And so today's one was about in business, but obviously it's true in life when your mental health— so it sounds like even just having these people acknowledge, um, that this little thing that you did, even though it's not way over here, this is still big. It's a big, it's a big deal. And so people need to hear that stuff. So I think that's a good approach as well.

Well, I, I think it was when she mentioned like talking, taking care of yourself if you're gonna— you've had that $100, spend it on yourself so you can take care of your child. I think it's valid in, in the situation that I had brought up, just because I could hear the stress in her voice. And I'm great, I'm not part of the whole picture, not, you know, I don't know what's going on, but I could hear some of it. And I thought, well, maybe if you were better, you would have more tools, something to help your child do better. But I could just hear the, the worry and the scared— she was— and she was bringing up stuff like We got time. I mean, she's not an adult yet, that kind of thing. But I really, I like the fact that when I know you don't count or treat them as a family, but I don't know if that would be a bad choice sometimes, like, because you never know what, what is feeding into the anxiety or feeding into the behavior that we're seeing that we don't like.

Absolutely. And there's a very trained family therapist who can take a snapshot of the family and who's, who's contributing what to the pot. And, and family therapists are really great assets for that. They're very talented in doing that. And a lot of times self-care, when we say self-care, it sounds like, oh, now I have to get, go get pedicure, but I don't have money or time to get pedicure. Or like we pigeonhole self-care, but a lot of times, so when patients come to me and they're like, what do I need to do? And, and they're taking like 10 meds and like 20 supplements and joining all these classes, joining all these group stuff. They're like doing so many things. It would be a disservice for me to be like, well, now you need to add pedicure on top of everything that you're doing. And because our society again has its expectation of be more and do more. So a lot of times, especially for that mom who's just burnt out from everything, is not do more, but do less. So I give that advice of doing less. So it's like, what is true to your values and your style as a mom? Are you trying to do something that you're not, right? Or are you trying to keep up with the Joneses when it doesn't really matter to you, right? So, so doing less that is not aligned with your purpose and your values and your style, but also like I mentioned before, protecting them. From societal pressure of do this or you're a failure or that, identifying those unfair judgment calls on our worth and value as a mom. So I do mention that as like, well, that's unfair to you, so let's not think about that or give yourself grace in that area because giving another list of to-do is gonna just make people more crazy.

Yes, definitely.

Yeah, for sure. I'm curious, do you ever have patients come to you that are like— like you said, sometimes people are taking like 10, 12 medications. Like, do you ever have people that come to you overly medicated, like they're doing too much of that kind of thing and then you have to walk it back a little bit?

Yeah, absolutely. So when patients come to me, some never tried meds before, tried to do this whole thing by themselves and they're at their wit's end. So they come, and I'm, I'm the first provider who's giving them psych medication. So there's a lot of cases of that. There's some cases that comes with, like I said, like 5 or 6 medications, not all psych medications, but, and a lot of supplements. And when I see those med lists, I'm like, what is going on in here? And that's like the question. And I have just like a classic patient case where the patient was on hormone therapy, like psych medications. Like 2 or 3 psych medications, weight loss pills, and all that stuff. And I just told the patient, I'm looking at your med list and it makes me think that there's something wrong with you.

Yeah.

That you're trying to fix with this and that and that. And then the patient was like, yeah. And I'm like, what if I just told you there's nothing inherently wrong with you?

Yeah.

And, um, so we did a lot of therapy. We built relationship over time, and I was able to cut out those, um, like 5, 6 different medications, like some medical, like hormone therapy, weight loss pill, to 2.

Yeah.

Because he understood that a doctor trusted him and doctor saw him as who he is, not what he wasn't. And, and he feels better. He's doing more exercises on his own. That boost the confidence knowing that somebody with training sees you as who you are, and just that's enough sometimes. So I've done a few patients with a lot of different medications and brought it down, or even went back to what they were, you, um, prescribed, but have exponential benefit because that encouragement and that partnership that I offer to my patients. Yeah.

Some of that makes me feel like it's probably a result of our society a little bit, right? Like, hey, I don't like this. Oh, there's a pill for that. Like, I don't like this. Oh, there's a surgery for that.

Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. I think it's because a lot of the, like what she was saying, the Googling of what's wrong with me and trying to fix it. But also I think even before all the medications were available, people would self-medicate. You would have other things that they did. If you're addictive personality, you can be addicted to drugs, alcohol, water, whatever it is, shopping, that kind of stuff that you would self-medicate somehow to make you feel, make yourself feel better.

So, and I think one of my passion is parenting is like, what is the best parenting? Like, how do you, how do you parent a child and make sure that they don't have a need that they need to fill themselves. And how do they, how do you make your kids completely satisfied with who they are today? And, and a lot of times you mentioned addiction, a lot of times addiction is starting because, not because nobody wakes up one day and say, I want to be addicted to benzodiazepine. Like nobody kind of wakes up looking for addiction, but it happens because there's a need. And I forgot her name, but there's a celebrity from Big Bang Theory, but she was saying something that was so powerful that sure, some people will swear off, you know, swear that weed is not addictive or alcohol is not addictive and they're not addicted to it, but being numb from pain is addictive.

Yeah.

And she said, I was like, absolutely. Like being numb from that feeling that you're not enough. Is addictive, and that's how it does that. So I think blanket statement is like, we all have mental health need because we were told one way or the other that we're not enough, or we're not meeting the expectations or standard. And really, Parent is a pivotal point to say, hey, screw the society's expectations. You're designed perfectly. And I guess I want to bring that home to, in a home unit, because society's going faster and crazier, I think. And I'm in my 30s, but I think the social media, that algorithm, AI, all that stuff is getting more crazy. And really the parents are the sole protector for our kids to make sure that they know that they're enough so that Hopefully when they grow up, they can carry that message to their peers and their children so that we're protected from that.

Well, I think in today's society, it's just a different type of parenting. Like, it's hard. We don't have any skills. We weren't taught on how to balance, right? We have to— the social media is out there. We have to balance that and having our young— like, when is the right age for them to have a cell phone and to be on social media and lose a little bit of that control and what comes into their head and so forth. But things are moving so quickly that it's hard to keep up, like, and you don't know what's right and what's wrong, and you just trial by error. And sometimes we make, we make mistakes doing it. It's, it's, it's scary as a parent. I think if I had to have anxiety, that's probably what it'd be about, like, just not knowing the right thing to do. And, and at the end of the day, trusting my instincts and hoping I'm doing the right for, for the boys. But I think you're right, things moving really quickly And it's crazy out there. And I think everybody's— we all see it right now. But, but having that ability to stand back, I have never thought about saying that, hey, whatever society says, you are perfect the way you are. And really may help helping them feel that is a great, you know, benefit as a parent that you can do for your children the best you can.

Yeah. Yeah. And, and you're right, because the world is changing. The culture is even changing so much that a lot of times I do parent coaching too. And a lot of times parents are like, well, they're failing this, they're angry, they're beating up their kids at school and stuff. They come with external problems. And my parent coaching is a little bit different because it's like, if you wanted me to pigeonhole your child into this well-behaved child, you can. Train them by beating them like, like an animal. Like, if you want a behavior, then you can— I can get you behavior. But my goal for you is when they're 18 and when they're 20 and they move out, I want you as a parent for them to come back for Thanksgiving and Christmas, you know? Like, I want them to come back home. I want you to maintain that connection with your children when they when it's now voluntary? Right now it's involuntary connection because they have to, but when they have a choice, will, will they still choose you to get connected? And how do you do that right now so that you'll see your grandchildren? So I give that perspective to my parents, and you're right, everything is so like hyper-focused, hyper-optimization, keeping up so fast. And I even encourage patients don't, don't even keep up anymore, you know, like, yeah, focus on your child, connect with them, encourage them, help them find their strengths and weaknesses and be there for them. And that's what transcends all cultural changes, I think.

Yeah, absolutely. I think that we saw some of that, like I always say, like there were some benefits to COVID, right? Because like we were all home and we were all, and work didn't look the same, school didn't have to look the same, like things didn't have to be the same, and we were all still getting by. And it was like, okay, like this can look a little different than I thought. Now unfortunately I feel like we're getting back into that same grind again. It's been some time now and people forget, but during that time that was, I think, a huge benefit, if you can even say that about COVID times, was we were spending more time together, life was moving a little bit slower, and I was enjoying that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I think there were— it was just interesting because I think you're the ideal situation for COVID, but there was a lot of mental health issues that maybe needed to be brought up earlier because family were together and they realized they're really not doing well. But I think in a way that kind of brought up another awareness of mental health issues and maybe family structural issues that we were facing. So I think it, it went both ways depending on the family unit. Yeah.

I definitely think during that time I realized that my children can do a lot more on their own than I was giving them credit for. During COVID in my industry, I was, I think I saw my family less and we were all in the same house because I worked so much. I was so, so busy with work and they needed to be independent. So they learned different skills. I'm like, you're going to have to get on Zoom with school. You're going to have to make your lunch. Like, I just, I don't have the time. And I realized, hey, they're doing, they're doing all right. I don't have to be the person to do it all. I realized I wasn't allowing them to grow up like they needed to be. And I'm like, wait a minute, when I was their age, I did it all. It's okay. So I think, yeah, so it's different family dynamics, but definitely made a big difference. And you're right, Erika, I think now that we're getting further and further away from that, we've forgotten some of that stuff that we had to go through. Yeah. So it's, I think, learning. The biggest struggle is just knowing the right thing to do. And I think as parents, like you said, give yourself some grace. It's no, there's no book out there to really tell you what's right and wrong. And we're still learning. Because technology, our environments, the world is changing every day, so there's something new to learn every day.

Yeah, and I think I, I might be prematurely saying it because my kids are like 6 and 3, so they're not, they're not testing me with like, oh, I need to get this app or video games or something like that. But, but I think you're, I think you're right. The older I always heard that when the kids get older, it gets harder. And I'm like, are you kidding me? Like, I feel like I'm like struggling right now.

It's a different hard. It's when they're little, they have to— you need to bathe them, you need to make sure they eat and do all that. When you get— when they get older, like, are they staying on campus like they're supposed to? You know what, I can't monitor everything they do anymore. They're not with me. 100% of the time. So it's a different type of hard. I have to say I enjoy teenagers. I actually love that my boys are, they're both teenagers now and we have great conversations. We're moody at times and I have to remind myself I was at their 14 and about to be 16. So it's okay for them to be moody and not be in a great mood. There's hormones going everywhere.

Oh, I'd like my kids to be in a great mood all the time. I need that.

Yeah, I know. It's more like, you just woke up, what are you upset about?

Like, I know, what could— what possibly could you have to be pissed about right now? Like, but then I have to walk myself back from that a little bit.

It's just different stages are hard. So I think they need you even more. They don't want you, but they need you even more as they get older. And I, I like what you said about, I want them to come back. I want to be that person that they can trust. And when they do need help or advice, they can say, you know what, I can go to mom and dad. If anybody, I can go to mom and dad. They'll be honest. They'll give me advice. They'll whatever. And if you instill trauma, I guess, when they're younger, they're not going to do that. Like, you have these kind of— I mean, with the boys, I try to— I'm still your parent. I'm not your friend. I'm your parent. But we can have conversations We can talk about things and I'll be as honest as I can with you about things as they ask. And believe me, those questions do come up, but I'm like, I'm not ready to answer that. We'll come back. We'll circle back in 6 months. We'll talk about that.

Yeah. And teenage, teenage age is very interesting because when, when I have teenage patients, like maybe 13, 14, I always talk to them first. So a lot of times they're like, okay. Technically, legally, all the consent I need is from the parent and I can prescribe the medication. But if the child, the teenager's not on board, I don't prescribe medication because I said, this is your body, this is your mind, this is your body. And if you're not on board, we don't have to do it. But if you think, hmm, I think Dr. Kim is right, I think I do need help with that, then we can go forward. So I prioritize their consent above their parents in the patient-physician relationship because they're my patient. And I think teenage is like very interesting because I'm remembering when I was a teenager, I think I wanted more, not autonomy per se, but respect. So it's like parents have a lot of— teenagers have a lot of questions of like, what am I good at? Like, who are my friends? What is true friendship? And when you go to a parent figure, I think really good conversation would have been like, well, what do you think? Like, so turn that question back to the teenagers, like, what are you thinking at? And that— and really give them a space to think and tell you the answer instead of, well, this is what I think the friendship should be, and this is what I think you should do. Just like, let them wait and be like, the time is still— if you had all the time in the world and you can tell me anything, what do you think? And, um, that's a great, uh, conversation starter with teenagers because they want to tell you what they think. It's just like sometimes there's no space and time allowed for that unless it's 11 PM at night.

That's right.

And you can say, I love to have this conversation with you, let's set a date for ice cream or coffee on weekends, and then they'll— they can think about it a little bit more.

I think the biggest part as a parent, if you got to learn this, is to, to be a good listener. I think the act of listening— I've done— so I'm trying to like If you can build any skill, I tell the boys, learn to listen before you speak. You have to listen to what's going on. A lot of them are very reactive to stuff. And I said, just listen to everything before you speak. And same as a parent, I have to remember, remind myself as a parent, don't react to their behavior, their moodiness. Listen and really find out what caused them to be frustrated. Why did they wake up angry? Well, maybe they had a bad dream or maybe they had a really bad day before and they didn't share it. They're not being grumpy with me because it's me. They're just being— they had a bad evening or whatever the case is.

Yeah. And I liked, Marie, that what you said was, I remember when I was a teenager, I had these things. And I think empathy is so important, especially adolescent and up kids, because I think a lot of times parents are like, well, I had to do it my way. I don't know, she's getting so much more help than I got, and I don't know what her problem is. But then it's kind of like, well, that's me, that's what I'm thinking. But like, in a way though, those parents, I empathize with them because they had to survive. They had to survive their childhood. But I say, now let's fast forward a little bit fast, like earlier, and let's channel that inner child in the parent. Like, but what did you need? What did you want? And you have the opportunity to meet that need and want. So it's kind of like, so true, there's, yeah, there's a barrier in parents with tough childhoods because we have to be tough. But before that toughness, there was a need and want, and let's channel that so that you can enable your kid to be whole, right?

And I like that.

That requires a, yeah, that requires a lot of parents doing work on themselves again, right? Prioritizing what they needed and wanted in their childhood that they didn't get so that it doesn't become a knee-jerk reaction whenever the kid is voicing their needs and wants.

Well, I think as you get older, like, I'm a little older than you, Dr. Kim. I'm in my 40s, so you forget. I'm like, wait, did I do that? And it's not that I mean to, but I don't remember some things. And I'm like, I have memory, very clear, crisp memories as a child, very young. And there's things I'm like, that happened? I don't remember that.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

I'm like, as a teenager, I remember I have one who— I have a very stubborn child and I was extremely stubborn. And I remember I just wanted— my mom was very— my mom had me and she was older, so she was very much from the generation you're seen and not heard. Right. And I was very— I just wanted to hear, like, I did something for a reason. And if you let me explain, I realize it's not the way you told me to do it. But I did it this way and all she knew was I didn't do it the way that she wanted it done and I was in trouble. But I had a reason for it. I could never get out the reason and it used to drive me crazy. Absolutely. It would drive me nuts. I could not. So I have one that's very much like that. I have to bite my tongue and, okay, explain yourself before I get upset. Yeah.

And that inner child in you, you were problem solving in a very creative way. But their creativity was labeled wrong. Yeah, it was not right. And, and if I'm just giving you free empathy, it's like that child was so creative and has so much potential with that creativity. But a lot of times that little moments like you remember as a child, like it, the labels that we received does limit us. And I think part of the healing process is Removing those labels that were thrown at us in our childhood so that we can really embody who we are. And when we embody who we are as a mom, as a business owner, et cetera, we can really embody the kids that we have because they have their own individual gifts and talents. And, and I think it really does free us instead of limiting us if we go back to our childhood and work on ourselves.

Yeah, absolutely. Wow, this conversation has been so insightful.

I just—

I know, right? Well, now is usually the time where we might have you let our listeners know how they could get a hold of you and get sort of personalized insight from you.

Well, so I do have my private practice, so the website is www.restorepsych.com. You can email me at restorepsychiatrymd@gmail.com, or you can call our office number. I always have to think out loud. It's 830-271-9063. So you can reach me in any of those mediums. And I do have my podcast, which I'll give you the link. And it's just like this podcast with Dr. Eugene Kim.

Woo-hoo!

Perfect. Okay, well, we'll definitely put all of that information in our show notes so that way people can get a hold of you and listen to your podcast. And I just want to thank you so much for being on. I loved this conversation. And I know that our, yeah, our readers are going to, or I mean, our listeners are going to like it as well. So thank you so much. I really appreciate you being here.

I'm, I'm so grateful that you guys invited me. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much to our listeners for tuning in to this week's episode of the Working Moms of San Antonio podcast. And we will just catch you guys next week.

See you guys next week.

Thanks so much for tuning in to the Working Moms of San Antonio podcast. Be sure to follow us on social media at our respective Instagram accounts or join our Working Moms of San Antonio Facebook group. Those links can be found in our episode description. If you have an episode topic suggestion or question, please email us at office@radisagent.com, and be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave us a review. See you next time.

Next week!