10 Questions to Build Better Relationships

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I'm your host, Andy Maurer, and in this podcast I share my insights as a leadership coach and former therapist. I sit down with some of the highest level leaders in business, entertainment and human performance to help you pursue wholeness in your work life and relationships. Thanks for joining me.

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Hey everybody. Welcome back to the Pursue whole podcast. Today's episode is going to be a little bit different. We're going to look at 10 questions that you can ask co founders, executive team members, spouses, friends, or even your children that's going to help you build better relationships. Great relationships are built upon great questions because great questions give us access to the depths of the soul. Great questions build great awareness, they create growth, and they foster intimacy and connection. Too many times we speak before we truly understand what someone is saying. And in fact, I believe much of our suffering in our relationships is because we fail to ask these good questions. And this is why I spend the first couple sessions with my clients simply seeking to understand their world or their problems, their story and their personality. And by doing this, my feedback or my candor or my compassion becomes that much stronger and targeted to the person sitting in front of me. Because I actually know them. I've taken the time to get to know who they are through asking strategic questions. The old saying rings true, that no one will ever care how much you know until they know how much you care. So let's jump in and review 10 questions that are going to help you build better relationships and foster more meaningful connections. Number one, how can I be in this with you? This is a really important question because traditionally, when someone is struggling, we go to them and we ask them this more basic question, which is, what do you need? Do you need this? Do you need that? What do you need from me? And that question isn't a really helpful question because it's essentially coming into a relationship where someone is struggling and dropping off something and then exiting and leaving. And typically when people are struggling, it's to know that they're not going to have to struggle alone. That is really the. The biggest encouragement to them. So when you say, what do you need? It's much more about giving something rather than giving of yourself. So instead ask this question, how can I be in this with you? And what that communicates is that you're not only going to support that person, but you're going to be in it with them and they don't have to be alone. Number two, could you summarize what you're saying into one sentence? This is actually really helpful for friends or spouses or co founders who have a lot of words. And you're often left not quite knowing what exactly they're trying to communicate. So simply asking them, hey, could you summarize that into one sentence? Is going to force them to funnel things down and really get clear about what they're trying to communicate. This is actually really helpful for children or for spouses or team members because you're forcing them to have to think through, okay, what am I trying to get across right now? And how am I going to summarize that down into one sentence? I've done this with individuals and I even go as far as saying, hey, can you summarize that into one word? So we even sometimes start with one word, and then we move to one sentence, and then we move to one paragraph. And this helps add clarity to the person communicating. Number three, based on what you just shared, what do you most want me to know about you? And this is a really helpful question. Once again, to funnel someone down, especially someone who has a lot of words or they have a lot of content, concepts or ideas that they're trying to share. Simply saying, hey, what do you most want me to understand about you and what you're saying? Is forcing them to synthesize into, once again, one phrase or one word or one concept what they're hoping that you'll take away from that conversation. And usually when we can synthesize or funnel down these conversations, there's a lot more clarity in what this person's actually trying to say or what they need or what questions they're trying to ask us. Number four, I really want to hear you, but I'm having a hard time understanding. Can you say that again in a different way? Okay, sometimes we don't understand what someone is saying. And it's funny because, you know, we'll, we'll look at someone and we'll say, does that make sense? And we'll automatically go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes total sense. Even though we don't really understand or we don't quite follow where they're going. So it is okay to slow that person down and say, I really want to hear you, but I don't understand. Can you say that again in a different way way? Once again, you're putting them in the position to have to go, okay, maybe that was confusing. What is a different way that I can communicate that? And you're, you're forcing them to get clear about what it is that you're having them say. So another Type of question that goes in the same vein is if you were to use a different word, what would you say and, and how this is relevant? If someone is telling you, man, I had a really frustrating day at work today, and you feel like they're being very general, you could simply say, hey, if you were to use a different word than frustration, what word would you use? And they might say something like agitating or anxious or fearful or distressing. And that change of word language is going to actually probably reveal a little bit more depth because frustration just flows off of our tongue so quickly. And when you force them to use a different word, different word than stress or frustration, they're having to take it down a couple notches and share a little bit more vulnerably about what's going on. Number five, can you tell me more? This is a really helpful question to allow someone to open up more in detail, either with depth or with emotions or feelings and what's actually going on, and you'd be surprised. A lot of people want to actually share more, but they can read social cues on whether someone is listening or not. And if they read a cue that you're not paying attention, they're going to stop sharing with you important information or more vulnerable information. So even with a child or a co founder or spouse, as they're sharing with you what's going on, simply saying, hey, can you tell me a little bit more about that? Creates an opportunity for them to do more discovery on themselves. Number six, what's the hardest part about that or what's the best part about that as someone is sharing something difficult? Once again, a lot of these questions are to funnel and get clarity because the human brain doesn't do great with just a ton of data. It's trying to work through and filter that. And oftentimes when we're expressing what we feel or what's going on on the inside, we overshare. We share so much, and it is helpful for someone to have us kind of funnel that down. So this question, what's the hardest part about that? You know, if I'm sharing a difficult. If I'm sharing a difficult relationship with my co founder at work, with my spouse, and she asks, what's the most difficult part about that I might identify, well, it's actually the way they said something to, or it's this one situation that we had. It's the way I feel in the relationship now. This doesn't always have to be for hard things. You can pivot the other direction and say, what is the best part about that. And maybe your child comes up to you and you say, how was your day at school? And they said, I had an amazing day. And you say, what was the best part of your day? You're really having them pinpoint a moment in a time that they felt most excited. And this is helpful for them to kind of gravitate towards that unique moment or memory. And it's helpful for you to understand them at a deeper level. Number seven, if you were to step back, what are you noticing in yourself as you say that? And as someone in front of you is sharing and processing and maybe share something more vulnerable or something exciting, you can simply say, hey, if you were to take a step back, what are you noticing as you say that? As you say that was really exciting for me? Well, what did you notice in your body? And they might say, I noticed that my shoulders feel light or my chest feels open. And you're helping them link both their brain to their body in that moment. And becoming body aware, which is actually a really helpful area of growth for people, is to link what they're saying with what they feel in their body. And that's a great question to do that. Number eight, when you think about that, does it light you up or does it drain you? Now, when I say that, I could mean a behavior, a relationship, a thought, or a situation in life. And oftentimes we find ourselves in these stuck patterns and rhythms where we talk about the same things over and over again, or we do the same things over and over again. And sometimes we need someone to come and ask us, hey, as you do that, does that bring life to you or does that drain you? And that simple question can make us realize, oh my gosh, this relationship, it's not bringing me any life, it's just draining me. And then from there, we can make conscious choice on what we want to do with that. Do we want to adjust that relationship? Do we want to set healthy boundaries? But this question is really helpful for us to recognize and prioritize. Is this thing or this thought or this person lighting me up bringing life to me? Or are they draining me? Number nine, if that emotion had a voice, what would it say? Now, this isn't the type of question that you're just going to go to a co founder or team member to ask, because this is a pretty vulnerable and emotional question. But if you have a good friend or a child who expresses that they feel sad, you might ask them, well, what does that sadness want to say? If it had a voice this is really comfortable for children to be asked this question. It's awkward for us as adults, but it makes sense for us to actually embody or to personify emotion. Because if we ask a child, what does your sadness want to say? They might say, my sadness says, why doesn't anyone want to play with me? Or my sadness says, why do mommy and daddy yell so much? And you're giving words to an emotion, and that is really healthy for the development of the brain. And we can also do this in relationship with our spouse or our friends. Number 10, can I share with you what I'm noticing? This is a really great question. If you want to be more candid or transparent with someone about what you're seeing in their body or what you're hearing from them. And candor is an extremely helpful tool in relationship that shows that you really care about someone and you want to step in and say something for the sake of their growth or their development. So, for instance, as I'm talking with someone, I might notice their eyes darting back and forth, or they're feeling insecure, or I'm noticing that they're saying something really fast and pushing through that emotion. And I might say to them, hey, can I tell you what I'm noticing real quick? And if they say yes, I might say, I noticed that as you talked about that difficult emotion coming up, you went through that super fast and then you made a joke and you moved on. Can you. Did you notice that you did that? And what's that about? So all you're doing is you're reflecting like a mirror back to someone and saying, hey, sitting on the other side of you. This is what I'm noticing. Observing and seeing. Does that connect with you? And I'm wondering what that's about. It's a great opportunity to offer candor. That's not shameful, it's not forceful, it's curious, and it's compassionate. The best gift that you can give someone is being fully present with them. These 10 questions will not only help you stay present with someone, but they're also going to help you foster depth, awareness and growth in that person sitting across from you. One thing is true in our society, we talk way too much and we need to do a better job at listening and asking really helpful questions that are going to help build intimacy and connection in our relationships with co founders or team members or spouses or with children. Children. If you felt like that was rushed today, you can go back to the show notes and review these 10 questions that will be listed down below. You can also go to our website@guose whole.com and also access these. I would encourage you to re listen to this episode. Grab two or three of these questions that you feel like most connect with who you are and that would be beneficial to your life and start practicing those in your relationships. All right, everybody, I'll talk to you next time.

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