Parenting in Recovery: Navigating Challenges and Triumphs of Parenthood After Addiction

Recovery is possible.

Recovery is possible.

Recovery is possible.

Recovery is possible.

Recovery is possible.

Recovery Dialogues and Sober Stories.

Welcome to another episode of Recovery Dialogues and Sober Stories. As we traverse the landscape of substance misuse, co-occurring disorders, and healing, sponsored by Wish Recovery. With inpatient and outpatient treatment that is luxuriously comfortable, Wish Recovery ensures you'll have a positive therapeutic experience with comprehensive individualized care. Today's episode of Recovery Dialogues and Sober Stories will focus on challenges and triumphs of parenting while in recovery. We will discuss the real-world experiences of parents who have gone through the recovery process and get tips on overcoming the obstacles that come with parenting while in recovery. Overcoming addiction and raising children can be a difficult journey for parents. It involves navigating obstacles and, for some individuals, it means dealing with societal stigma, personal shame, and even legal issues. While in recovery, parents must prioritize communication, self-care, and support networks to create a stable and supportive environment for their children. To help with this, parents must establish a consistent routine, attend therapy or support group meetings, maintain a healthy lifestyle, and practice stress management techniques. It's also important to learn practical parenting skills, including understanding child developmental stages, positive discipline strategies, and building positive parent-child relationships. Digital platforms can offer remote therapy and peer support options while seeking legal counsel can help with custody issues if necessary. Parents must also develop relapse prevention strategies and, when needed, rebuild trust with their children. Understanding the neurobiological and psychological factors contributing to compromised caregiving can also be crucial for successful parenting in recovery. Research has shown that the reward-stress dysregulation model of addicted parenting suggests that addiction can dysregulate stress and reward neural circuits, undermining a person's caregiving abilities. Interventions that address an individual's emotional well-being, enhance parenting skills, and eliminate sociostructural barriers can be instrumental. For example, mentalization-based therapy, which focuses on how actions are influenced by feelings and mental states, has shown beneficial in supporting parents in recovery by enhancing their capacity to make sense of the emotional distress associated with parenting, understand their child's emotional needs, and regulate intense emotions during stressful situations in general. An example of sociostructural barriers' impact can be observed in the ability of recovering women to establish a stable home and family life after having a baby. Addressing these barriers and providing support in areas such as housing and employment can contribute to successful parenting in recovery. As parents work towards their recovery and sobriety goals, they will inevitably face various challenges and achieve many triumphs. Parents can overcome obstacles through patience, honesty, resilience, and self-compassion and build beautifully healthy relationships with their children. I'd like to start this conversation with an exceptional lived experience expert, Aaron Bahader mother of two, and the founder of Erin's Inside Job, is a tireless mental health advocate in recovery. Now sober for 13 years, her platform serves as a testament to her journey towards wellness, focusing on physical health through food and fitness, mental health, and addiction recovery. Using her experiences and challenges, Erin sheds light on the complexities of substance misuse, the importance of healing from the inside out, and the power of leading a balanced lifestyle. Welcome, Erin. As a parent, substance use can significantly impact one's experience from the parental side and as a human being. I'm curious to know how it may have influenced your journey. Looking back at your recovery journey, did you ever feel like addiction took precedence over your role as a parent?

So thankfully, um, I was actually in recovery. I was clean before I had my children. I remember while I was kind of at the peak of my using, I would think about how am I ever even going to have children because I couldn't stop using and drinking. And like, I figured How can I, I can't be pregnant for 9 months and not drink anything. It's physically impossible for me. And so I would kind of get really overwhelmed and then kind of push that to the back of my mind 'cause it was a really uncomfortable feeling. So I made sure that I got everything in order, started working on myself until I really felt prepared to have children. And that wasn't until I was well into my 30s.

I understand that overcoming addiction can present many challenges. What were the most significant ones you faced and how did you overcome them?

I think the biggest ones for me were kind of having my whole life kind of explode around me, implode, whichever one. I Long story short, I was in grad school for pharmacy and I had been using prescription medications and taking from the pharmacy where I worked, and I was caught. I was arrested. I ended up serving 9 months in jail. Nobody even knew about what was going on with me, and so it was a complete shock to my friends, my family, and I think having everything kind of just explode like that, um, was definitely one of the hardest parts. And going through all that and then trying to rebuild on top of it, um, it completely changed the trajectory of my life, uh, which now I'm, I'm thankful for. I love the life that I have, but it was so devastating to be working towards all of these things and then have it all kind of erased and the possibilities taken away from you.

At that time.

What strategies have you found helpful in maintaining open and honest communication with your children about your addiction recovery?

So my kids are 2 and 4, so it hasn't really come up yet. It's definitely something that I thought of before I had kids, how my husband and I were going to approach it. He's also in recovery. Um, our plan is to be open and honest with them, um, at an— like, with an age-appropriate explanation if it were to come up. Um, it's not something I want to try to hide from them. I think not only about addiction but just everything in general. I want to be able to have those open and honest conversations with my children so that they feel comfortable coming to me Um, you know, you can only hope to lead them the best you can. Um, and staying with my recovery and leading by example is something that I hope will have a positive influence on them, but it's definitely not something that I'm gonna ignore or pretend didn't happen because I think it's important for them to know and to understand. Um, so yeah.

How do you balance setting boundaries and enforcing rules while providing your child a supportive and nurturing environment?

I think not trying to be too authoritarian about things, to understand where they're coming from, to understand where they are developmentally, and not put too much pressure on them to behave in a way that's not developmentally appropriate. Like I said, they're only 2 and 4, so we haven't gotten into like the older, the teenage years yet, um, but it's just about trying to maintain safe boundaries and holding to them and meeting them where they are. I think that that is one of the biggest things to do as they get older, is to kind of meet them emotionally and developmentally where they are, to try and help them grow into the best versions of themselves that they can.

Did you encounter any underlying trauma or mental health conditions that affected your parenting journey, and how did you address them?

So I have, um, diagnosed anxiety and depression. I wasn't formally diagnosed until about 5 years into my recovery, but I think that it's something that I've lived with for most of my life. I started on antidepressants around that time, and it made a tremendous difference. And so, like I said, all of this was done before I had kids, which I'm so, so thankful for. I put in a lot of work to try and, and be the best version of myself that I could be for them before they existed. Um, you know, I— after I had my daughter, she's my second I, something was like not quite right. I wasn't quite sure what was going on. I ended up being, um, diagnosed with postpartum depression 8 months after I had her. So that's another important thing I think to talk about is that it, it doesn't only happen in like the first month and then it's not a possibility anymore. It can happen up to a year, uh, after the baby is born. And so I ended up getting back into therapy and kind of switching around some, some medications. And I think that really helped a lot. But I think that the biggest asset for my kids is that I can recognize these things in myself and when I might need some more help or I might need to talk to somebody and I put in the work to take care of myself so that I can be there for them. You know, it's, um, I can't be a good mom for them if I'm not taking care of my own, like, mental, emotional wellness.

How has self-care contributed to your ability to parent while in recovery? And how do you prioritize self-care while meeting your child's needs?

I think the best answer to this is the understanding that if I'm not at my best, then I can't be the best parent to my children. I can't be the mom that I want to be. And so that really helps me put that in the forefront so that I focus on doing the things that I know will help get me back to like a good baseline, increase my patience levels, all that kind of stuff. And the biggest thing that's helped me is taking some time away. I think maybe like 3 to 4 times a year I will go away by myself for a weekend just because I don't have to worry about anybody else. Um, I only worry about me. I'm somebody who really likes to be alone, so the constant stimulation can get a little bit overwhelming. And so it's why I want to— I kind of just go to a hotel I read, I just hang out, I eat foods that I like, you know, and then I come home. It really kind of like refills my cup, and then I'm able to go back home. I feel lighter, I feel like I'm able to be more present. And I know that's not something that a lot of people may be able to do, um, but it's something that's been really critical, I think, in avoiding burnout for me. Um, and just, just paying attention to what I feel like I need in the moment. If I feel like things are getting too out of control for me, I'm stretched too thin, I find myself being short with my kids, I take a step back and I really ask myself, like, what do I need? What will help me? And also being able to communicate that to my husband and ask for help if I need it.

How do you decide what and what not to share with your child regarding your past substance misuse and recovery, and how do you navigate such conversations?

So as I mentioned, they're only 2 and 4, so we haven't really had any very deep conversations about it yet. I know that they're going to come up, and I think I'll, I'll most likely ask my therapist, ask people who know better than me, um, what the best way to approach these things are, um, because I've learned that I don't have all the answers. And so I want to make sure that I'm doing things correctly when it comes to talking to them. And so I think just getting outside guidance on the best way to approach it and to do things age-appropriate as they get older, if they have questions or if the topic comes up.

How have you worked towards rebuilding and strengthening your family dynamics during your recovery journey?

Since I got clean before I had my kids, I think that there wasn't a lot of rebuilding to be done, but I think that there's always room for improvement. Just kind of looking at the relationships that I have with them, how things are going, if things could be better. And I think just trying to make our family more of a, like, a cohesive unit. I want them to know that above everything else, they are loved, they are safe, they're cared for. Those are the most important things to me. And that, you know, we will always be there for them. Yeah.

Lastly, what advice would you give to other recovering parents navigating the challenges of parenthood while staying sober?

I think the absolute biggest thing is to have a support system. Being a parent is really, really hard and being in recovery is really, really hard. And when you put those things together, it can get really overwhelming really fast. And so, I think being able to have someone or a group of people to communicate with who know what's going on, who can be there for you and help support you, I think that really makes all the difference. Yeah.

Thank you, Erin, for your story and insights. Next, I'm pleased to welcome two remarkable guests Dr. Louise Stanger and Laura Lee Wright to our discussion on parenthood for recovery individuals. Dr. Louise Stanger is a renowned social worker and interventionist who brings a wealth of knowledge and experience to the table with an invitational method of mental health and substance abuse interventions like the Portraiture Methodology, backed by years of research Dr. Stenger has helped countless families find hope and recovery. She's also an award-winning author and clinician with invaluable insights on addiction, parenting, chronic pain, and more. Joining Dr. Stenger is Laura Lee Wright, a professional speaker and sobriety advocate. Laura's journey to becoming a dedicated advocate for women in recovery is inspiring. Her book, Beyond Sober, You Put Down the Booze, Now What? offers practical guidance and support for those seeking a new life without alcohol. With her uplifting story and passion for helping others, Laura is a beacon of hope for anyone on the path to sobriety. Welcome, ladies. I'll start with you, Dr. Stanger. In parenthood, like any relationship, setting boundaries is crucial, particularly for parents who are recovering from a substance use disorder? How can parents balance establishing boundaries and allowing their children to express themselves freely about their parents' alcohol or drug misuse? What are some practical approaches to creating and maintaining healthy boundaries?

Hi, good morning. I just love that question. This is Dr. Louise Denger, and I'm just really honored to be with you. Today, I think that one of the hardest things families have to do when they have a loved one who has had a substance abuse disorder and in recovery is to allow them to grow and to be and to flourish. One of the greatest tasks is to allow children the opportunity to learn what is a substance use disorder, and how does that affect someone? So if you have young children, it's a different kind of conversation than if you have teens or young adults, but really allowing people to know that addiction is a brain disease and that brain disease affects every part of your being. It affects how you act physically, emotionally, mentally, and your value stance. And when someone has had a substance use disorder, they may have done things which have caused people to be in great upset. As a parent, you can take the heroic stance and explain that Mommy or Daddy has a disease, just like they would— might have heart disease or diabetes. At the same time, there need to be healthy boundaries set by all parties, which means No begging, nagging, screaming, and allowing people to learn how to navigate in new ways. For parents, it may be being present for their children, attending their sports games, attending school events, showing that they can stand up, listening and reflecting. For teens, it can be taking a look and being able to have some honest conversations about what it felt like and what it didn't feel like, but those are best in mediated situations. The question of boundaries is just one of the most crucial things that can happen in any family, and that is how do I let that individual grow and what are my limits in terms of what is acceptable or what is non-acceptable behavior.

Laura, difficult conversations can arise between parents in recovery and their children about substance use disorder. How can a parent avoid hypocrisy and remain open, honest, and age-appropriate? Are there any specific communication techniques that can help parents approach these conversations effectively?

In order to make sure that you're having the appropriate conversation with your child, My suggestion is always to ask open-ended questions when communicating with them rather than making statements or closed-ended questions. That allows them to express what they're really asking without the parent making assumptions about what the child is asking. That allows you to give them the information they need without providing them too much information or not enough.

Dr. Stenger, is it true that parenting while in recovery often involves addressing underlying trauma and mental health conditions? How can parents navigate these challenges and ensure their healing process doesn't negatively impact their children? Are there any resources or support they can turn to for help?

There are many resources available to families today, looking at local family services, through their churches, through 12-step, through taking a look from when, whether they were in a behavioral health, getting those recommendations, and through recovery communities and sober coaches. It's important to unpack it. I think the question is, can we learn to have a flourishing family? The answer is yes. Can we totally prevent how we affect our children?

No.

But we can have open and transparent conversations and do family work and understand that if Johnny is acting out or Sally's acting out, that we're not afraid to tackle that. That we're willing to examine that and willing to get help. I think that is the key. And also being present, being loving, and being open to the notion of change and growth.

Laura, rebuilding family dynamics can be a complex and ongoing process. What advice do you have for parents trying to rebuild trust and strengthen their relationships with their children after struggling with addiction? Are there any specific activities or exercises that can help facilitate this process?

Time takes time. That's what I tell people, and that's what I tell myself, is that it took time to get to recovery, and it's going to take time to get to the healing. Be kind to yourself and kind to your children. I have found over the years that the best way to build trust with my children is to live a lifestyle that they can respect. And that takes a while because they saw a lifestyle that was difficult to respect. And so over time and over years and by doing the next right thing, I am able to create a lifestyle and behavior that my children can learn to trust as their new reality.

Dr. Stenger, what practical steps can parents take to build a supportive network around them? How important is it for them to find and connect with others who have similar experiences without feelings of shame or inadequacies?

I think that it's great for parents to join into recovery groups. Al-Anon is a great recovery group. There's also special meetings with just family. If you've been in a behavioral healthcare group, they will have, you need to make sure they have a family program, that they have an alumni program. So you can join up. I think the greatest thing is to understand that you're not alone. One out of every three families in the United States experiences a substance use or mental health disorder. If you think that you are not the same as your neighbor down the street, I would tend to think not. That doesn't mean that you put everything on a billboard. You are selective, but know that you're not alone and look for when you go to meetings, Who are those families that you say, gee, I want what they have? Also, seeing a good family therapist or a good family coach is a great way to jumpstart. And by that I mean over time, you know, people have been having difficulties 10, 12 years. So if you expect in 30 days for the family to be all together, all better, I think that's erroneous. Change takes place over time, is evidence-based. It takes 90 days to change a behavior. So be gentle with your souls, but do engage, do risk, and be courageous, for ultimately you are heroic.

Laura, self-care is often emphasized in recovery, but how can parents prioritize self-care while fulfilling their parenting responsibilities? What are some self-care practices or activities that can benefit both parents and their children?

You cannot pour from a vessel that is empty. And so if you think of yourself as that vessel, you have to fill yourself up first before you can give anything to anyone, including your children. So it's important to find the time during the day that you can dedicate to yourself, whether that's early in the morning or after the kids have gone to bed. Maybe you just have to take a few minutes during the day and, and go behind a closed door and just take some deep breaths. But it is very important to have time during the day that is a scheduled time for you to meditate, listen to music, have quiet time, read, do devotional, whatever it is that feeds your soul. You have to put that in your schedule. Otherwise, you cannot give to your children what they truly need.

Dr. Stenger, what advice do you have for family members or loved ones supporting someone on their parenting journey while recovering from addiction? How can they provide the appropriate support without enabling or becoming overwhelmed themselves.

Be ready to take 5 to make sure that you have some time in your day where it can just be you. And that's sometimes hard with little children or other things. But if you don't have the opportunity to take 5, whether it's through a mother's helper or someone else, it is really challenging. Making sure that your self-care is in practice, and also being a role model for your children. In an earlier answer, I discussed there's 5 or 7 or many ways to take care of yourselves physically, emotionally, and consistent with your values so that you have time. I remember once as a young widow when I would come home from university teaching because I was a university teacher. I was really overwhelmed. I had 3 children and in order for me to be available, I, we set up a little tiny thing and that is when I came home from work, they were able to play by themselves or be by themselves for 15 minutes. So I changed my clothes, I looked at the mail, and then I could be physically present and available for them. So take a look at your day, see what it is, and find those little spaces of time. Because we can't be all things to all people. And if you're stressed, that stress meter, which is your ventral vagal nerve, will cascade across the room. So be kind to yourself. And also, there's self-care activities you can do. With your loved ones. You can go for a walk. You can, you know, even do yoga together. You can laugh. You can play a game. You can do exercise. So, and you can, you know, attend some things together. So make sure that as you journey home, you're setting ability to take care of yourself. And showing ways that are a little bit different. This is what I learned today. Kids are really responsive to you learning and being careful. No nagging, pleading, begging, and don't go down pity path lane and martyrdom alley because what you want to be is you are now on wellness road.

Laura, what should a parent and their children expect from family therapy during recovery?

Therapy during recovery is no different than family therapy during anything. So what should you expect from family therapy? You should expect progress towards your goal, whatever your goal is. If your goal is a closer relationship, more honesty, a feeling of fulfillment, Whatever the goal is that you have that you've set forth for your family therapy, you should every single time be moving toward that goal. And if you're not moving toward that goal, then you may need to reevaluate the therapy process and maybe come back and revisit things or start over or find a new process. Because if you're not moving forward, You're always moving back. Nobody stands still.

Lastly, Dr. Stanger, could you share any success stories or examples from your practice of parents who have successfully navigated parenting challenges while recovering from alcohol and substance use disorders? What lessons can we learn from their experiences?

Okay.

I absolutely, positively love that question. I've been blessed with working with families since 1973, and I've been able to see families who you never thought would talk together, be together, or seen together rise to their best possible selves and take a look at who they are, where they are. Oftentimes in families, I've also seen families who, not just because of the identified loved one going to treatment, but other members of the family have also gotten help for one another. One family strikes me, the mom called me about her husband. He had just gotten a DUI and she was very distraught. He was a great guy, a good worker, but he just could not, he had a disease. It was intergenerational alcoholism and mental health challenges in his family. He did go to treatment and the moment he got to treatment, his younger son, teenage son started acting out and he then along the road was able to get help and together they worked as a family so that they were able to thrive, to end up camping together, going away together and with the greatest gift is when you get letters or pictures or postcards of people off there. Recently, I just helped another family who, um, father was— is very, very successful. One might argue he's a workaholic. Mother's super, super funny. And one of their children were acting out and just really having gender fluidity, which is really common here. And together working as a family unit, they've done really well. Um, actually, um, two people are really involved in recovery. They have their own psychiatrist and family coach, and they— one of them's just graduated from high school and went off to, uh, college. I think that the key is whether it's mom or dad, brother or sister, that has the identified problem, and I call it identified loved one, is really understanding that this is a systemic problem, a systemic issue, and that everybody in the family has to change. In an earlier book called Falling Up that I wrote, I have a chapter that says nothing changes till something changes. 97% of all the work I do is with family, helping them rise to their best possible self, helping them rewrite the narrative, and helping them take a look and unpack their past and embrace their present.

Thank you, ladies, for your insights and expertise. As we conclude this enlightening episode of Recovery Dialogues and Sober Stories, I want to express my heartfelt thanks to our invaluable guests, Aaron, Dr. Stanger, and Laura. Your candid dialogue on the intricacies of parenting in recovery has provided a depth of understanding that will undoubtedly resonate with our listeners. Your experiences and insights are a beacon of hope for those navigating similar paths. I also want to extend a special word of thanks to our sponsor, Wish Recovery, for their unwavering commitment to providing exceptional dual diagnosis treatment in a luxury setting. We are truly grateful for their partnership. Lastly, I want to thank our listeners for joining us today on this journey of discovery. Your support fuels our dedication to bring you these transformative discussions. If you haven't already, please subscribe to our podcast as we have many more powerful dialogues and stories to share with you. Let's continue to explore the landscape of recovery together. Sparking conversations that matter. Stay strong and stay tuned for the next episode of Recovery Dialogues and Sober Stories. Recovery is possible.

Recovery is possible.

Recovery is possible.

Recovery is possible.

Recovery is possible.

Recovery Dialogues and Sober Stories.