Be More Than Do More

So it's all about making sure that I'm in a lane, I'm able to enjoy it, understand it, deliver on it before I switch lanes. But as soon as those lanes look to merge, man, you see a highway construction happening, you're like, oh, I gotta watch out for this. So it's been taxing, but at the same time, I'm learning that I need to kind of step back and say no to things and also make sure that I'm in the moment when I'm actually doing something. So a conversation on the wedding or with you? It's about being in the moment, being present and really immersing myself in it and not thinking what's the next thing I have to do? Or what's the next lane I have to switch to. So that's been something I've been having to play with.

Hey there, friends. Welcome to Happiness Squad. This is the podcast dedicated to helping you unlock your full potential by mastering the art and signs of happiness. We bring on the best leading experts on these topics to help you unlock your true potential and live with more joy, health, love and meaning in your life. Your host is no other than the star combo of Ashish Kothari and Anil Ramjiani, who are both on a mission to provide you with an unfair advantage to be the masters of your experience and leaders in your industry. Get ready to be moved, challenged and enlightened on this podcast. It may change your life. Thanks for being here and joining the squad.

Hey friends, Anil and Ashish here. You know, I'm sure we all have special moments, whether it be in the day or a few days or a week out. Today, Ashish and I talk about two big moments that are coming up for us. But you know, when you have a big moment coming up, how much time do you actually spend on enjoying the moment, really enjoying the process, knowing what it's like as you go day to day leading up to that big event, or you just so embraced and so bogged down by the fear of over committing or saying no that you just end up doing too much. You get to the moment, the day, and it falls short. That's what we're talking about today. We kind of talk about what gets in each of our ways and how we can, let's say, commit to less and actually be more rather than do more. And at the end of it, how you learn to savor the moment, because that's all it is. It's about enjoying the process in addition to the outcome. Look forward to it. Hey, Ashish Good afternoon. Good morning. How are you?

I am wonderful, my dear friend. And how are you? Big day coming up here very soon, Dino.

It's a massive day coming up. I mean, some people are calling it D Day. I will tell you what I am all about. Let's get this party started. Let's make this happen. And what you're referring to is I'm getting married just over a week, and I am super pumped is all I can say. Super excited, ironically. No anxiety, no stress, just ready to do this.

Yeah, no, it's amazing, right? What a special day. But I think this notion of the day will come and go very soon. And so I love your notion of, like, getting the party started. So how are you? Like, I mean, you know, we connected yesterday, Anil. And as we were prepping for this podcast and all of that, right. You had so many things going on. So are you able to actually enjoy the party all the way till then, or what's swimming in your world?

You know, it's fair. So let me. Let me share some of my thoughts on my side. And then I know you were traveling this past week, and I kind of want to hear the same on what's kind of happening on your end, because you've also got a big moment coming up here soon as well, in the next couple of weeks. So from my side, you know, I always thought it's a good thing to commit and. And to have, let's say, your primary work and then side hustles, and then you have family, and then you have, you know, my.

My.

My fiance's family, her in. Her parents are visiting. How much can you stack into one week before you take time off? And I'll tell you what I'm learning very quickly over committing is not a good thing. And it also reminds me that, you know, as part of enjoying this process, how many things can you really be doing simultaneously to almost enjoy the moment step by step of everything you're doing? So if I take my wedding planning as one lane, my primary work is the second lane, and let's even take this as a third lane. You think there's no traffic. They can operate in parallel. Wrong. So it's all about making sure that I'm in a lane. I'm able to enjoy it, understand it, deliver on it before I switch lanes. But as soon as those lanes look to merge, man, you see a highway construction happening, you're like, oh, I got to watch out for this. So it's been taxing, but at the same time, I'm Learning that I need to kind of step back and say no to things and also make sure that I'm in the moment when I'm actually doing something. So a conversation on the wedding or with you? It's about being in the moment, being present and really immersing myself in it and not thinking what's the next thing I have to do? Or what's the next lane I have to switch to. So that's been something I've been having.

To play with, you know, and there's, as you just mentioned this anil. There are so many kind of things that just, you know, come for me as I hear you, right? And just realities of our lives, you know, like realities of our lived experiences. Because I think what you are describing is something that, you know, I go through all the time too. I've gone through all the time. Right. So I'll just give some themes that came up for me as I heard you. I think the first one was this notion that you mentioned of over committing. How many of us actually say yes. We have so many things going on, even when we are approaching kind of, if you will call it this ebb, like this whole crescendo building up towards something big happening. We have three or four things that is going on. But it's interesting when we sign up for a lot of things, it's not that we are over committing, but we almost, I feel like we sign up because we think these are like steady state. We're not planning for that up. Okay. And, and you know, I was just reflecting on my. On, on my own thing as I heard you. And by the way, you have this big thing coming up, right? So if you frankly just even keep the other two at steady state, right? So that imagine we have 30 hours. 10, 10, 10, 30 units of capacity to give, right? We're keeping this 10, we're keeping this 10 and this is 10. And now all of a sudden we know this 10 is going to go to 40. Equally important to kind of being in that lane is are we willing to actually have the dialogues on the other 10 to say, hey, for the next 10 days, these 10 need to go down to a two or a one to make space for this one. And we don't do that. You know what I mean? We just don't do that. We don't take things off our plate to anticipate for that. And I think so. That's actually, you know, as an interesting one, as I heard you speak about is like, I'm thinking about that. Oh my God, like, you know, I've also, as you know, you mentioned, like the big, you know, D day for me, like, it's the book launch and I'm like, yeah, there's so many things with this coming up. What am I actually not going to do with while. Or do less, right? Be less committed, be willing to do less of, rather than beat myself up or fall. And then the other thing, which is something that we experienced, you and I, over the last couple of days, when we plan, we plan for perfect worlds. We don't plan for, like a client is going to be upset and he's going to all of a sudden create this ripple that takes away from my regular plan. So we plan almost at 95% capacity, 100% capacity, sometimes even 120% capacity, versus this notion of actually only planning for 70 or 80 to actually recognize if something actually comes up.

Do you know on that? I was given some advice nearly a decade ago on this exact thing, and the way it was framed to me was when you plan your week, do not plan your week to work 40 hours. Plan your week to work 20 hours. Because if you plan your week to work 40 hours exactly as you said, you're going to end up working 50, 60 hours because things are going to get added or things are going to take longer. So I love what you're saying. Same page. And maybe just to kind of put it back to you kind of in the run up to your book launch, do you find yourself planning and operating at that 95, 100% plus level? Or have you found a way to plan your week and your time kind of to your model of like that 60, 70%? Yeah.

So look, I mean, you know, I have days where I do, but oftentimes, you know, it's this fear brain, right? This thing that we talk about in this book, Hardwired for Happiness takes over, right? Because as you imagine as I'm reading for my book launch, Anil, there's so many conversations that can be had. There is no limit to things that you can do, right? Reach out to local booksellers, talk to friends, talk to clients, right? Think about bulk buys, doing a bunch of podcast interviews. I'm doing a range of keynotes. You know, I have to do all these book signings to be able to get it out to people. I mean, you can just. I can. I don't even have all of the lists written up because I'm afraid to like a list. And so, you know, I always, I always. And, you know, and every conversation, like I was talking to my mom this morning and I just come back from this keynote and she's like, so how's the book launch going? Are you all in? And all of a sudden you kind of find yourself like, oh, am I doing enough? Should I be doing even more? Right? So your point? There are many days I do find myself almost 120, 130%, or even if I'm not at 120, 130%, I'm like chalk black to back, you know, seven, eight hours. And then once I have a couple of those days and you're exhausted, I think the downside of it is on those days or after a couple of those days, you say, oh, my God. And now only 10 days from launch versus 15 days from launch. But the last three days leading up to the launch were miserable days. This is like a big deal, right? This is to your point. This is a time to really celebrate the fact that, you know, this two year effort that I've been putting into has actually come out into the world and is going to be available. And am I so busy trying to do things because I'm trying to, you know, pile up one thing after one thing, after one thing after one thing to make that event be the biggest, best damn launch it can be. I'm actually missing all the roses along the way because, you know, a day you end up exhausted, you're not there to say at that moment, you know, the thought isn't like, oh, my God, I have a book coming out. It's like, oh, I'm so tired.

I feel you. I think. You know, it's funny, I messaged my sister today and I said, you know, I still don't feel like I'm getting married. Like, it still hasn't hit me yet. And she's like, make sure it hits you before the day because you don't want to miss that feeling. And I was like, that's such a good point. Just like you. Exactly. You want to make sure that you're in the buildup to the launch you're not missing out or losing sight of. And then it happens and you're like, oh, crap. I completely missed that amazing feeling of the things I was doing to, like, make this day as momentous as you want it to be and how you want it to feel.

Yeah, no, 100%. And so my commitment, right. Actually was. And I made this commitment to my mom this morning because, you know, and it was interesting. The commitment came from a place of pushback, actually, because she was like, well, you Know, you launch a business, you launch a new book, you have to put in the effort. Of course, you have to work hard. You know, it's the classic, you know, we all grew up, right, as an immigrant, as somebody who's kind of middle class, where you're taught from an early time, you have to push, push, push to be successful. You hear that played back and I was like, you know, mom, actually, no, I disagree with that because I also have to enjoy the journey.

No, sorry, Go a little bit deeper on that, Ashish, because I love. I feel the same thing. I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but it's hard to say no to someone superior or elder to you. When they give you that instruction or they give you that extra work or they give you that extra opportunity, you almost feel like you need to do it. It's like to say no is almost disrespectful. How.

How did.

Can you maybe go a bit deeper on how that conversation went with your mom and how you were able to push back and create that space?

Yeah, no, I. Look, I mean, it wasn't even, you know, I think it was, I'll tell you, right, because it, you know, it was. Look, as I, as, you know, I'd already. I was reflecting. I was already in a place where, you know, the last two, three days, you know, I had flown for a keynote, as, you know, in Oregon. It was an amazing event. I had loved, loved, loved speaking there. This company I was speaking with is an unbelievable company. Very unlike most companies, you know, that I work with. They've grown amazingly, unbelievably. I mean, I really felt anil when I was with them that that team was a family. Okay? Like, it was unbelievable. It was a true. And this is not like a family owned company. It's a $1.2 billion company that has grown from 500 million to 1.2 billion in the last eight years. Okay. Growth scaling is hard, but they are still so cohesive together. But I diverged. I had a great time, but, you know, I'd come back. So I was out for three days after not traveling for a long while, right. So I was already feeling tired. And I was also feeling, you know, this notion of, oh, my God, you know, I loved it there. But now I've got this next thing coming up and, you know, so when my mom said to me, what are you doing? There was a little bit of like, oh, you know, was I actually. Did I allow myself too much guilty pleasure to actually just be there and Enjoy my time with them and even after the keynote, have dinner and drinks and celebrate together. Should I have been working back on the book? Right. So there was this, you know, I went back to a four year old self where, you know, the conversation we're having is, you got 98 marks, you missed two. Should you have worked harder? You know, shouldn't you have come back earlier and done more on this stuff? And by the way, now you're back, are you going to do more of that stuff now to catch up? And I just, you know, from all the work that I've done over the last four or five years, you know, this notion of we are human beings, we are not human doings. No, I actually want to enjoy the moment. I actually want to spend the weekend. I want to be here. I want to actually just. I want to even actually savor how amazing of a conversation we had at the keynote. And I want to be able to actually, you know what I mean? Because I can go like, yeah, I had the keynote, it was great. Let's get on the book tour now. Let's talk about the next thing. And you forget that amazing experience.

Are you enjoying the show so far? Let me ask you a few questions before going back. Have you ever wondered why so many of us struggle with stress, anxiety and burnout and feel stuck in life? Heck, maybe you're going through this right now. Well, the reason for this lies in the evolutionary biology of our brains, which are hardwired for fear. It's part of the reason why our team named this podcast Happiness Squad. It serves as a reminder that happiness is what really matters and that we are in this together. And that is why we are so excited to share with you a resource to help you on your journey. One of our hosts, Ashish Guattari, launched a book, Hardwired for Happiness and it is a 1Amazon bestseller. When you get access to this book, you will discover nine secular practices that can change your life and are backed by scientific evidence from psychology and neuroscience. Learn how you can integrate Hardwired for Happiness practices in every part of your life to unlock your best self, regardless of how busy you are. Shift from knowing to doing to being with a range of journaling, meditation and group coaching exercises and so much more. Go to www.happinesssquad.combook to get access right now. We also have bonuses on the page that you don't want to miss. Once again, www.happinesssquad.com book. And now back to the show.

I almost want to dumb this down a bit. For my own sake. It's like, you know, when you plan your day, I don't know about you, I literally plan it back to back, foolishly. And it's like, you don't even give yourself the five minutes, let alone to go to the bathroom, but you don't even give yourself the five minutes to just process, what did I just come out of? Like, what did I just do? You're almost like, jumping into the next session or the next topic. And I feel like you're absolutely right. How do you find that balance between experiencing what you just did and coming back and making sure that you've, you know, what you want to take away from that experience before you then jump into this next piece, which is obviously the plan for your launch.

No. Which is 100% right. And because even as we unpack this, think about it, right? There's a script there, right? From my mom and from everybody and from myself, Right. Which is this notion of, if the book launch is successful, I will be happy. Right? But in that, if the book launch is success. So let's do everything I can over the next 10 days to make this book launch successful. The risk I run is missing on savoring these small things that we're doing along the way that bring so much happiness. Because you know what? That keynote at the end of that one hour and then at the end of that evening, I have to tell you, I was so happy. And even as I think about this now, as I'm saying this to you, the joy I feel in my heart because of the coherence with the message in terms of some, of how it landed with others, the stories people told around these nine practices. There's somebody who stood up and said to me, I was talking about gratefulness and I was talking about this notion of how we are rarely grateful for the fact that we can see because we are always looking at what's not there in the world. And he stood up and he said, you know, let me tell you, this resonates so much because two years ago I had a stroke and I lost my ability to talk and to walk.

That is powerful.

In the last two years, I've had to relearn everything. And I'm telling you, I never look at everything the same again. Right? I mean, that story, that vulnerability of that person sharing up and how he's living life differently was a reminder for the fifth that we don't need to have a stroke to experience what we have. And this is a little bit of where we go back to this moment, right. We don't need to go to a book launch to savor like how special that conversation felt, that evening felt. That is like otherwise. Exactly to your point, you go from one thing to the next thing to the next thing. And that joy I experienced is there with me and I can relive that every day between now and the launch. And even if the launch doesn't go as well, all those moments will add up and that's what makes us happy.

I want to go to. I totally agree with you. I think that if you're not able to savor that, it almost takes away from this week, next week leading up to the launch. So you almost want. Because it's almost fuel. It almost re. Energizes you. So actually, you know, that makes me think of. So there's something that I'm very passionate about. It's around energy. And I think about how you mentioned that chat with your mom internally, at least for you, not necessarily her intention, but it brought your energy levels down. You feel that you felt embarrassed, guilty. You were like, you know, even as a middle aged guy, you. You found yourself feeling like a four year old, you know, versus, you know, the opposite, which is, I just came out of this amazing session with this group. I want to feel higher energy levels, I. E. Positive, optimistic of like what lies ahead with happiness Squad. So I guess my question to you is how do you reconcile that? Like, what, what is. How does that make you feel? And like, how are you going to maybe think about it differently on the back of the chat you had with your mom?

Yeah, no, I think it's a great question and I think it's also, you know, Anil, a reflection on all the work that I've been able to do over the last four to five years. Right. Which I'm, you know, I've been living these practices in my life. So, you know, there were two or three things that came up for me. First of all was, you know, this notion that despite, you know, five years of having done this work, that comment from my mom regressed me to the four year old where I felt I needed to defend and almost be like, no, I am doing a lot and no, you know what I mean? So there was a part of me that would have gotten me there five years ago. I would have then gone in and beaten myself up and got really, really busy. Even though I might have pushed back because of this work, you know, I could actually sense frankly where she was coming from. And her advice and her questions were all in the Spirit of making sure that I am successful as her son. Right. And this story of like, hence, you have to work hard to get there. And so I'm going to ask you, are you working hard? But you know, again, that is her story, that's her paradigm. That is not, that is not mine. And so this notion of reminding myself to not give yourself into do and actually enjoy the being, enjoy the moments, I need to create that space for myself. I just don't need to do all those things just because my mom is saying it, even though it's coming from a really, really good place, I think was an important one. Right. And then also being self compassionate, like, look, I mean we don't overturn billions of years about this evolutionary. That pushes us towards. Yeah, no, you're right. Look, somebody else who cares about you is now saying you need to do more, more, more. So get on that wagon and do more, more, more.

Right, Absolutely.

Yeah. So I mean it was, it was actually really beautiful. I'm glad we had that conversation this morning because I was, I told my mom, I'm like, look, I'm actually going to like, look, thank you for saying that. But here's what I'm committed to is I am actually going to consciously plan my book launch activities, you know, for, you know, six hours a day. And all the other moments I'm actually going to enjoy, I'm going to create space to actually enjoy all the conversations I'm having leading up to the book launch. So when I talk to somebody, I want to be able to have the space when they say, oh my God, what you're doing so resonates with me. Can I help you? Both this notion of gratitude as well as like how, you know, how on path I feel. Right. Because this is for me about actually changing a billion lives. That's the goal. And so, you know, really enjoying both the affirmation that hey, you're on the right path, I am with you, and also gratitude for what people are giving rather than okay, thank you. I'm now going to the next conversation and the next conversation and the next conversation I want to build in the space to kind of really be able to acknowledge, really let the effect of so much love that I'm getting as I am kind of ramping up for that October 11th. Right. So that was a commitment I made. And I told her, actually, you know what I need to create the space. Yes. I can work 12 hours and have double the number of conversations, but then I will have 1/10 actually the savoring aspect of it. I want to be happy all the way till launch, not just happy at the launch because you know, the launch is going to be a 90 minute livestream and then it's done. And I've lost all this time of actually enjoying all these little moments and conversations.

I think it goes back to the kind of the old adage of, you know, work smart, not hard. And you know, it's work happy, not sad. You know, work, you know, you know, work positive, not negative. I think it's a fine balance. But, you know, I think it's what I love about what you're saying and I find very powerful Ashish about it is you're practicing what you're believing, you're practicing what you're sharing with others. And when you and I actually were starting to chat earlier today, I, I said to you, you know, this is what I'm doing. And I, you know, and you said to me, neil, you need to just switch off. And so I just want you to know like, the commitment I'm making is as of tomorrow, the week leading up to the wedding, I am taking everything off my plate. I'm not planning even 20 hours, I'm planning zero hours. And I'm going to enjoy and savor every single moment between now and then and beyond. And I think, you know, my opportunity, your opportunity, all of our opportunities is how do we come back into our day to day lives and embed the practices, the thinking that you're, you're discussing with us into our daily lives so we don't have to feel like, oh, I need to go on holiday or go get married for me to learn how to switch off and, or you know, take things off my plate. You know, I can just have a, you know, like tapas, I can have a starter and like in one dish and then finish it and have another dish. I don't need to like load everything onto my plate all at once as if I'm going through a buffet of life.

Yeah, no, I think it's. And it's so true and right. Even as I reflect on what you're just saying, I think this notion of our fear based brains are hardwired for fear. Brains will always keep coming up with the next thing. The next thing, the next thing, the next thing that needs to be done. We need to be aware of that. We need to be aware of that. We need to know that is what it does. But we also need to actually, literally I almost, I am actually going to do this because I just thought of this right now. But I think I can see the effect right is I'm actually going to put a big. I'm going to print and actually I'm going to put a big sign in front of me that says savor the moment. Because that's what I want to be able to do. Because when my brain is going to go, go, go, go, the pause I want to create is, yeah, but are you creating enough space to savor? Because I'd rather do 30% less and savor and use that 30% to savor what I am actually doing and all the successes that are having along the way, you know, Because I know if I don't do that, if I don't have that little visual cue in front of my screen to say, are you taking the time to savor? Are you taking the time to be. My brain is going to get me into go, go, go. All these intentions fall away. So I want to create that visual cue for me.

Love it. You know, it's almost like again, we talk about when you have a dish and it's something really nice, don't just, you know, back to my plate example. Sorry. Like, don't just shove it in your mouth. Like, actually savor the small bites.

Really enjoy it.

Really understand what it means, what it feels like. How does it make you feel? What are the senses? What's tingling? Same thing in the moment of your day. How do you just pause? How do you make sure you're savoring that moment? This conversation with you? How am I ensuring that I'm not speaking too fast, that I'm able to savor and process what you're saying in order to make sure that it can fulfill me and fulfill you and take us forward.

Yeah, no, it's. And it's these moments come so, you know, these moments that we all rush towards come and go so quickly and we miss the whole journey along the way. So, my friend, I think it's amazing that, you know, I think you are actually trying to switch off over the next seven to 10 days and even wind down some other commitments by explicitly making the requests to people to say, hey, listen, October 1st is coming up. It's seven days out. I'm actually going to be not as available because, you know, my focus is now for the next seven days going to direct towards this. So please help me, support me in living into that. And I think people will show up for you, Anil, because you are, I know, one of the most generous persons and committed people I know. And I think people will show up and Give you the space. I know I will. And I think I want you to enjoy the journey, I want you to enjoy the party. I want you to actually have fun, my friend, not just on the day, but as you said all along the way because, you know, we, most of us, this is, this is a big day, you know, hopefully we only get married once or at least this marriage that we are getting married into is, is the marriage that lasts. Right?

I totally agree and you know, thank you. Those are such kind words and I do agree and you know, it. What's, what's amazing about it is it's going to be in my mind anytime I think, oh, I need to, it's like, hang on a second, pause. This is all good. And I think it's, it's also a matter of you said people will give me space. I'm sure they will. I need to remind myself to give myself that space. You know, it's kind of like looking after myself first. And so I agree with you. And Ashish, this was, this was amazing. I just, from a couple of things I'm taking away, you know, from this apart from just switching off for the next few days. I love what you mentioned about fear and how, you know, we're hardwired at times for fear in our brain that will actually pull us into a cycle of over committing, trying to do too much, feeling uncomfortable to say no, making a middle aged person feel like they're, you know, a child again, you know, defensive. When at the end of the day all we need to do is like you said, just plan less and be more. And I also love how you said it's a matter of like just finding that steady state and just making sure that you're able to just really savor the moment. Moment to moment, hour to hour, day by day. I mean I just for me that's just powerful.

Yeah, I'm literally, as we end this call, I'm going to send this to the printer. There's going to be a big page in front of me with the big words. Savor the moment. Just as a reminder, you know, I hope you do the same. So amazing. And we'll connect back, my dear friend, in two, now three weeks, October 14th. But meanwhile, have an amazing wedding. I'm sending Anika and you. So much love.

Thank you so much, Ashish. Hey, look forward to the next one. Until then, take care. Big hugs and lots of love.

Take care. Bye.

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