Mastering Emotions

When we hold onto resentment, we don't express this. We kind of try and push it down. It does more harm to us. It does so much more harm because it just corrodes, you know, it just corrodes our internal kind of, you know, it lowers our immunity. In fact, when there was a study done by Ayano Yamaguchi and their colleagues where they found that suppressing anger produced more negative, not positive emotions, we felt more inauthentic. We actually experience increased stress. So both of those are not good. We shouldn't express it and we shouldn't hold it back. So then the question becomes, what the hell do we do with it?

Hey there friends. Welcome to Happiness Squad. This is the podcast dedicated to helping you unlock your full potential by mastering the art and science of happiness. We bring on the best leading experts on these topics to help you unlock your true potential and live with more joy, health, love and meaning in your life. Your host is no other than the star combo of Ashish Kothari and Anil Ramjiani who are both on a mission to provide you with an unfair advantage to be the masters of your experience and leaders in your industry. Get ready to be moved, challenged and enlightened on this podcast. It may change your life. Thanks for being here and joining the Squad.

Hey Happiness Squad. I'm excited to be with all of you today and honored to be with Ashish as we begin to explore his book Hardwood for Happiness together, chapter by chapter. You know, I connected with Ashish during COVID and our passion for helping individuals unlock their own flourishing, potential and true meaning has been an incredible journey. Why? Because happiness, health, love and life are incredibly important. I'm on this journey with you and Ashish to explore how each of the nine practices that form the beautiful sunflower that Ashish lays out so simply, so lovely is incredibly unique. Ashish takes what he has learned and has shared several exercises that can change our lives in just a few micro practices a day to help us lead a more purposeful life. Today we continue with practice five. Master your emotions. You know, we have rich memories and vivid imaginations that can be a blessing, but they can also cause suffering and anxiety. We end up feeling stuck in the past when reliving negative events and just obsessing how we can control our future. You know, these roots in our bodies, they harden our hearts and they close us off from growth and joy. Ashish has helped me learn how we can incorporate radical acceptance to open your heart and create lightness and new possibilities for your future. We specifically talked Today about anger and resentment. Ashish clarifies what does it mean by mastering? And not only that, we each share personal stories from our past and present to illustrate the practices. And I encourage you to wait till the end. He shares three tips that we can follow to achieve mastery of our anger. It truly is possible to be a learner, a practitioner, and a teacher. Don't fuel your anger, fuel the compassion. So join Ashish and I as we together rewire for happiness and enjoy. Hey, Ashish, how you doing?

I am amazing, Neil. I'm so excited about recording this podcast together, my dear friend, because it's one of my favorite topics around mastering your moods and emotions. And it's my favorite because, you know, there's so many people who have this myth that if you are one of the unhappiness experts or you do a lot of work around happiness like you and I do, that we don't have suffering, we don't have, you know, you don't have down days, and it's so far from the truth. So I'm really excited about this podcast where we can engage, you know, and share a bit of our own, our own days when. When we're not necessarily feeling at our best, but highlight how the work we are doing allows us to actually master those unpleasant, negative moods and emotions that sometimes can cause suffering and learn how do we actually kind of bounce forward from obstacles we face and really use those energies and turn it around more for the positive.

Now, I totally agree with you, Ashish, and you mentioned the word suffering. I'm currently reading the Book of Joy, and in it, the Dalai Lama actually says there is beauty when you can find joy not only in times of happiness, but also in times of suffering. And personally, for me, that resonates because it goes back to your point. Just because you're suffering, you're struggling, doesn't mean you can't find joy. And it's a topic that's also top of mind because, as you know, I'm currently going through the new Field Network coaching program and we just started this past week and I joined it on your advice as well as our conversation with Veronica last year. And it's such a beautiful program because we're talking about emotions and the various emotions and what they can subsequently turn into moods that you can experience on the negative to positive end of the bias spectrum. So it's something that truly resonates for me. What are your thoughts?

I am so excited that you're actually going through that program because it was the first one, anil that actually raised awareness around the importance of emotions and moods and how much they shape the unique observer that we are, that actually uniquely shape how we experience the world. So since then, I went on to do read a lot on neuroscience of emotion formation. You know, there's a beautiful book by Lisa Feldman Barrett that came out, How Emotions Are Made. You know, Renee Brown wrote the book the Atlas of Emotions. There is so much work that is actually done recently in this whole space of emotions. And it's amazing for something that almost One third, almost 30% of our experiences are shaped by the emotions. In fact, oftentimes when we take actions that we regret later, they are done because we are in the control we are flowing with. An emotion has taken over us and we end up taking actions that we later regret. For something that has such a big role in our life. There is so little in terms of education around even the differentiation between different moods and emotions or even how a mood is different from an emotion, you know, that exists. Right. People just describe emotions as four or five things versus kind of the amazing rich field with 25, 30 of these things that exist.

Well, but so Ashish, I mean, when we think about it, I mean, obviously there are positive and negative emotions. What makes mastering our emotions and moods so difficult for us? I mean, you'd think this is something that we've managed for the last however many years, but it seems to continue to be a struggle.

Yeah. So I think it's important for our listeners, first of all to differentiate moods versus emotions. You know, think about emotions and emotions. You know, by the way, it comes from the Latin word emoter, which literally means energies in motion. And think about when you're feeling an emotion, right? There is this surge of energy that moves through our body. It might be upwards, like in the case of anger, or it can be downwards in the case of sadness or grief. Right. So there is a very different kind of notion of how energy flows through our body. Fundamentally, we experience emotions when something happens. That is, you know, you will pick this work when you go through the neutral network, there's a break in transparency. We're expecting something to happen and something else happens, right? You're waiting in line and all of a sudden a breakdown happens, right? So you're waiting in line, waiting for a taxi, or let's say you're at an airport waiting for a flight and the flight gets delayed. So expecting something and something else happens, you might experience anger, you might experience frustration. If there is a critical meeting on the other end, you were rushing through, you might actually feel anxiety, right? So same action, something's happened outside can result in many different things that you might be experiencing. You might experience joy if you didn't have a chance to eat and you were regretting the airline food, and now the flight got delayed an hour, so you can maybe grab a meal. Yeah, it's happened to me. You know, you ran into a friend and you were rushing to make the flight, and he's right there in the next side. You haven't seen him in a while. The flight gets delayed, you might be like, oh, my God, I get a chance to spend some more time. So again, same thing outside, very different experiences, right, that we can have, but it always comes from that. So when something positive happens, we experience more, what we call the positive emotions, right? Or pleasant emotions. You get an upgrade. You show up and they say, congratulations, Mr. Ramjiani. Here you go. Enjoy in first class. Joy, right? Excitement, gratitude. As we described earlier, when the plane got delayed, you get anger, frustration, anxiety. So many of them, potentially, or some positive ones. So always there is a break in transparency. Something has to happen different than what you were expected for emotions to happen, and they actually are energy, so they really take charge, and we end up seeing the world one way and taking actions to correct it. Now, moods are a bit different, Anil, and this was actually a big insight for me that I actually have Julio and Veronica from the Newfield Network to thank for. You know, as you remember, and many of our listeners will, I used to wake up every morning with anxiety, lots of anxiety. Anxiety that made me want to throw up. And you know what made me even more anxious? Not knowing why I was waking up. Anxious because there was nothing going on outside that was causing me anxiety. There was nothing about my work, nothing about my clients, nothing about the firm I worked at, nothing about what's happening personally. Everything was going good, and I would literally be like, oh, my God, what am I not seeing that I'm so anxious? Till I started the work with Newfield, where they talked about moods actually being something that are longer term, you know, aspects. They're kind of types of emotions that get set in. So just like we can have moods, this was the insight that was very powerful. Just like we can have moods, moods can have us. So you don't need something to happen to have a mood of anxiety. A mood of anxiety might have you, and all of a sudden you start to see the world in a particular way, right? So moods are predispositions to action, but they don't need an event to happen one way or the other. You can just wake up in a mood. And there's so many places, so many individuals that get stuck in those moods. By the way, you know, it's not just individuals get stuck in mood. So this was the second big insight that I had in my. All my consulting work that I'd done where a light bulb went off. Just like people have mood, organizations can have moods. There are so many people in organizations, and Ellen, I'm sure, you know, you'll relate to this that are stuck in moods of resentment, resignation, shame, guilt. These moods, we're just stuck in them and we see well this way, right? And this was insightful for me because all of a sudden it made sense why so many times when as consultants we'd show up in an organization, we'd be excited about the opportunity and literally the clients we were working with, right, junior members were like, eh, they were stuck in a mood of resignation. And we were so, you know, trying to get them to take action when the mood was of resignation, it didn't allow them to take actions. So moods and emotions are so different, you know, and it's important to have that distinction. So just.

But let's just take that example for a moment. So let's say, for example, if I'm one of those people that feel resigned at work and I have that mood, right? Let's say I leave work and I go home, does that mood, Is that because of work? And it stays at work and then I come home and I feel, okay, I'm happy. Or could that mood not only resignation at work, but it could also. I could bring it home with me, unfortunately, to my family.

Great, great question, Anil. I think these things are sticky. So oftentimes they'll actually, you know, we'll carry them through all domains of life, right? That's why sometimes people who have a mood, you know, when they're anxious, it's. It's anxiety everywhere. It's not just only at work or at home. And that, that has effects. And that's why, you know, these emotions are actually, can be quite harmful, right. And I think we should like, maybe on this podcast, let's just take one of them, which is the mood of anger. Because, you know, in the following podcast that we have, let's take, you know, resentment and we can take anxiety and we can take fear and we can take shame. I think that we can have conversations on each one of them because these are very real moods that really get in the way and emotions that get in the way of our own happiness, get in the way of us flourishing, hold us hostage, make us blind to all the amazing things that we have around us. You know, I know in our last episode that we talked about like two, three weeks ago, we talked about the gratitude, right. When you're in a mood of resentment, anger, anxiety, it's hard to be grateful, right? So I think it's really important. And that's why mastering moods is actually really important.

No, it really is. And I appreciate you also describing, Ashish, the difference between emotions, because emotions come and go, those feelings come and go. Those moods, once they settle in, like you said, they can linger. And then, like you said, they're sticky. It can follow you back into work, back to home, and almost just like an overcast just follows you everywhere you go. I think maybe just to dive in further. I know Ashishu mentioned there are clear scientific benefits to mastering our anger, because anger can lead to when we hear people, higher stress, heart attacks. What are some scientific benefits that you've revealed through your research that's allowed you to understand why we need to master it even better than we do today?

Yeah, great, great question. And let's first define master. Master does not mean controlling and suppressing. Master also does not mean acting. Mastering truly is about sensing it for what it is and actually being taking a middle way, taking the middle path, right? How can we observe what's happening but not be attached to it or not be averse to it? And that's why in all the work that I do with my clients, I talk about actually not labeling emotions as positive and negative. Because right in there starts the problem. We want positive, we don't want negative. Right? We crave for positive, and we basically are averse to negative. Look, if we fundamentally recognize there was beauty in what you just said, Anil, right? Emotions rise and fall, so they are impermanent by nature. So when something is impermanent, why do we need to act on it? Why do we need to crave for something or be averse to something? It's at the heart of Buddhist teachings is this path the middle path. So mastering is not about suppressing and not about acting. Both of them actually have huge negative effects when we act things out. Chris Aiken, who was an MD at Wake Forest University School of Medicine, highlighted that our chances of a heart attack two hours after anger bursts go up by two times. So we are two times more likely to have a heart attack two hours after anger. By the way, our chances of stroke increase six times. Okay, so It's a really, really big deal. Also, when we are angry. Work done by Dan Siegel, one of the neuroscientists, highlight. We experience 10 to 15 point decrease in our IQ levels when we are experiencing anger. He said we literally flip our lids. That's the word he used. So, you know, our ability, our ability to think clearly goes down physiologically. It's actually really bad for us. By the way, the same happens when we suppress. Okay. Even when we suppress anger and resentment, you know, there's this beautiful word, right. When we hold onto resentment, we don't express this. We kind of try and push it down. It does more harm to us. It does so much more harm because it just corrodes, you know, it just corrodes our internal kind of, you know, it lowers our immunity. In fact, when there was a study done by Ayano Yamaguchi and their colleagues where they found that suppressing anger produced more negative, not positive emotions, we felt more inauthentic. We actually experienced increased stress. So both of those are not good. We shouldn't express it and we shouldn't hold it back. So then the question becomes, what the hell do we do with it? Exactly.

Can't empty that vessel, right?

Yeah. So we talk a little bit about it in the second part of this podcast around. Okay, so if you don't want to act on it and we don't want to hold it, hold it back. How do we actually navigate it? How can we truly be with, but not be in control of anger? But, you know, these are the really, really important kind of benefits of truly mastering, truly mastering this practice of. Of how do we actually navigate anger when we experience it.

You know, Ashish, what you just shared now really resonates with me because I think about anger and I think about what it means to me in my past, my upbringing, with respect to my family. My father, he used to get quite angry. And so I inherited that trait. And there were moments where anything that triggered me, I would just go from literally zero to 200 miles an hour. I'd lose my lid, literally flip my lid. And I. Even at a young age, I was blinded by it. And I couldn't throttle, as I would say, my anger. And it was really tough for me. And my sister got involved, and she almost had to help me really be aware of it and find ways to throttle. Slowly but surely it didn't happen overnight. And I would say to you, I feel better about it now, but it's something that I still. This conversation really does kind of trigger it. In a good way to help reflect and understand. How am I able to master that emotion? How am I able to master that anger?

Yeah, so let's use that a bit. You know, I have the same, you know, across these nine practices, we are always at different levels of maturity. And I think when it comes to anger, you know, it's a. It's an ongoing journey with me. I'll share a little bit about my own kind of personal triggers, but share a little bit. Look, I think our upbringing and how we grow up in the environment actually ends up shaping a lot of how we experience it in adulthood. So share a little bit with our listeners. Anil, your own growing up story and kind of, you know, you've talked to me about growing up in an environment of ang. I think it's important, like, share a little bit of that to kind of start and bring folks to where you are. Because I'm sure there's so many people who deal with anger now and they think about all the things they can do, but they don't actually mind their past to think about where it comes from because that's where often lies. Actually, our growth is to kind of, you know, one remember our past and really make peace with it and go forward from it rather than let that control and shape our destinies. To share your story, my friend, of your upbringing and what got you to that point of where you were having outbursts of anger at little things.

Are you enjoying the show so far? Let me ask you a few questions before going back. Have you ever wondered why so many of us struggle with stress, anxiety and burnout and feel stuck in life? Heck, maybe you're going through this right now. Well, the reason for this lies in the evolutionary biology of our brains, which are hardwired for fear. It's part of the reason why our team named this podcast Happiness Squad. It serves as a reminder that happiness is what really matters and that we are in this together. And that is why we are so excited to share with you a resource to help you on your journey. One of our hosts, Ashish Guattari, launched a book, Hardwired for Happiness and and it is a 1Amazon bestseller. When you get access to this book, you will discover nine secular practices that can change your life and are backed by scientific evidence from psychology and neuroscience. Learn how you can integrate Hardwired for Happiness practices in every part of your life to unlock your best self, regardless of how busy you are. Shift from knowing to doing to being with a range of journaling, meditation and group coaching. Exercises and so much more. Go to www.happinesssquad.combook to get access Right now. We also have bonuses on the page that you don't want to miss. Once again, www.happinessquad.com book. And now back to the show.

So my father had a short temper as a kid does. You know, we talked about this when we spoke to Juni a few weeks back. You know, not only do you pick up what others say to each other, that you pick up what they say to you. And so, you know. Right. And it's something that. So I kind of coded myself to think that it's okay to react that way. It's okay to. If anything triggers me, you know, I'm. I, I, I, I, I blow up, I blow my lid like my father did. And I thought that was okay. It was almost my right to do that. And, you know, so even with respect to my mother, there were times where she'd say no to me and I would use obscenities in public. I would flip her off. And, you know, these are things my father did. So I thought it was okay for me to do. And, you know, my. I want to caveat, like, my father's not a bad person. You know, he has his own. His upbringing, his own. That led him to be how he is. And he's a beautiful man in his own right. But for me personally, you know, my sister, my sister is actually my cousins in India when I was. Because I lived in India when I was nine. And my sister, the three of them, they. They literally would pull me aside and go, what you're doing isn't right. You know, they would actually kind of go, you know, why are you feeling so angry? Like, why are you yelling? Why are you screaming? And, you know, I almost would go, I don't know. I'm just frustrated. I'm angry. You know, and those conversations over time, Ashish, helped me at least understand why I was feeling that way. And, like, why is anger, these, the, the destination that I'm choosing as my response rather than anything else, rather than just pausing or reflecting or. So for me, it was just having those triggers and feeling that it was okay, you know, I'll give you another example, Ashish. My, you know, I used to be made fun of a lot growing up, right? So, you know, everyone. Kids can be quite cruel. And, you know, even a couple years ago, I met lunch with friends of mine at a restaurant. And we joke about this today, but, you know, they were making some jokes, making some comments, and eventually I Just lost my lid. I just said enough. And I said enough five times. And, you know, I didn't make a scene per se, but at the same time, amongst friends, like, come on, you know, they're joking. It's all fun and games. The fact that I'm even reacting with anger and resentment in a public form with friends, let alone my family, you know, four or five years ago, to me is like. It was. It's embarrassing. You know, I felt super guilty about it and ashamed. So, yeah, it's. So you can tell there's. There's a lot there. But it's had that internal reflection looking inwards to say, why? And is there a better way? That was at least my, let's say, level zero, level one starting point.

Yeah, it's beautiful. And, Elena, there's two or three things. And even as you described the story, you highlighted some real things that actually allow us to move past, right? Move past. Not control, not act, but move past, move through. So there's something you said which is important, and I'll point that out to our listeners, because you changed it. You said, I am angry. You said, I feel anger. It's okay to feel anger. It's not okay to associate and say, I am angry. Because then that becomes your image, that becomes your identity. I'm angry. I need to be angry. Right. You know, I ran into somebody, you know, a couple of weeks back, and he said, you know, yeah, like, I am unhappy. I choose to be unhappy. This happiness thing is not me. I am. You know, it's funny, he said this, and then he started laughing, and I started laughing. He said, this happiness thing for me, I actually like being unhappy and being disgruntled. I am happy being disgruntled. I said, yeah, I know. So you do like happiness. You just like happiness, feeling miserable. That's okay. Hey, whatever floats your boat, right? But I think that's the first. I am angry versus I feel anger. The moment that we make that differentiation, all of a sudden we disassociate to something that I'm feeling. Feelings go up and down. Feelings can change. Feelings are not me. Really, really important. I think that's an important way, dear friends, for you as well, to kind of navigate this mood or navigate the emotion. E. Personalize I feel versus I am really important. There was a second thing, Anil, that you highlighted that was in your words, and it was so beautiful. And you said you held your father responsible for some things that he was doing that was making you angry. But you said, hey, my father is you know, he himself was shaped by certain experiences growing up. So there is this notion of empathy. Rather than make villains, we can empathize because just like you, they were probably victims of their own upbringing, their own, like we carry the seeds forward their experiences that we have. So it's not about accepting and saying, hey, it's okay for you to be angry and act in the way that you are, but we can still at the same time empathize for what has actually happened in their life. We can be compassionate and through that open and heart that allows us to forgive, allows us to reconcile or allow us to move past. But with forgiveness, you know, when we forgive, we don't forgive just for the other person. We forgive for us. We forgive for us. And say, we no longer allow you to hold me prisoner. I have the keys, right? I have the keys. So I'm going to forgive and I'm going to move on. Yeah, in many cases. So that's the second beautiful thing you actually said, you know, second and third, actually that the second piece was this, this thing around compassion because of truly seeing why the other person is acting the way they are and what has been their experience from it. Right. We talked about all the ill effects of anger. And if you can't feel, you know, curious about what shaped them, we can still feel compassionate because they are probably at 2x risk of heart attack. You know, twice as risk of heart attack after having an anger outburst. They're probably immune system is compromised. There's all of these things, right. These are not pleasant emotions. Nobody likes to be angry. And then the third is choice, right? Really the choice piece, you said your sister talked a little bit about how you actually have a choice and why you act in this way. We reflect on it and start to kind of move past that. So that choice. And I want to highlight that, I think those are beautiful. And I think you shared in your own kind of growing up story these three things that can actually be quite helpful in navigating this unpleasant emotion of anger.

No, I appreciate you saying that, Ashish, because my sister actually said to me the other day, the intention I've set and the behavior I've set in conversation we've had, the two should be aligned. Right. Is to rewrite my story and to ensure that I don't treat her or my mother or now my wife with that type of anger that I now take the time and the space to step back and really ensure that I make, well, I'm aware and make a choice of how I choose to respond. And that I'm able to not necessarily constantly look to my past as well. That's. I am who I am because that's what I know. And because that's what I know. That's what's right. It's about something we've talked about, which is having that growth mindset, which is like curiosity, like, okay, but what else is there? And you know, it's. It's recoding, rewiring, you know, it. It's something that I know we're all capable of doing. And, you know, one of the examples you even share in your book is about, you know, if someone does something to you, you know, it's like getting struck by an arrow. Right. You're bleeding. But if, you know, you hold on to that anger, that resentment, you know, it's almost like a second arrow is inside you and you're bleeding in two spots rather than just the one.

Yeah. In fact, you know, we're bleeding multiple stops because we hold onto it and keep hitting and replaying that something that's happened. Somebody that I wish my friend had stopped at 2. But you know, oftentimes it's like hundred wounds and only the first one was actually by the other person. Right. And we keep repeating cuts, mate. Oh my God. Like, it's. I actually have seen it so much and I feel, you know, my heart, like I just. It makes me sometimes so sad when I see somebody kind of beating themself up for something that happened so long ago. And it was many times. Often it was just a mistake understanding. But listen, I think these are, you know, oftentimes these are because of a boundary. Anger at the very heart is because there's a boundary that we hold that has been crossed. Right. Either somebody did it to us or somebody did it to somebody else that we say, hey, that's not right. And anger is, you know, there's a lot of righteous anger. Think about Martin Luther King, think about Mahatma Gandhi and how they actually channeled that anger to mobilize in nonviolent ways, bring down regimes, bring about societal change that would never have been possible with just bloodshed. So anger, when channeled, when we master our anger, we can actually use that force to accomplish more things than the destructive actions that we take when anger has control over us. Right. It's about channeling.

Let's talk about. Because Ashish, I mean, we've. I would love to know. So the happiness foundations course that you've put together, we talk about managing anger in the moment. Could you maybe share with our Listeners. What are some of those tips? What are some of those micro practices that we can learn in order for us to. Yeah. Master our moods in those moments. Master our anger in the moment.

Absolutely. So, look, I'll tell you and freer friends, this comes with a complete disclosure. This is very much a work in progress for me. Anger is one of those emotions that in particular, I flip my lid quite often. Oftentimes with my son, who's 13. I love him so much, but it comes because I get afraid of actions that he might take that really will hurt his future. Just notice the irony in all that. I get afraid of actions he might take that hurt his future. And right in the moment when I blow my lid, what am I doing? I'm causing him hurt right now. Every time I shout, I cause him hurt now, not in the future, now. And I start to shape. And truly, if you want to. That's not who we want to be. So I consciously practice this. And I'll tell you, he practices it, too. And through this work that we've been doing together. Oh, my God. So. So one of the first tips to handle this, right, because when we are in anger, there is an. Remember, anger, emotions, energies. It's an outburst. We can feel it. So it's about being aware of when anger is taking hold of us. And you can start to feel the anger go through your body. Recognize that in that moment, we are in the midst of an amygdala hijack. We've got adrenaline and cortisol flowing through our body, pushing us to take action, to right the wrong. Pause. Three deep breaths. And I love it because my son does the same. He pauses.

He's a smart kid.

He takes three deep breaths, and he literally is so cute because he literally, if you can see me, he'll purse his lips and go. And right that moment, just even that moment of me breathing and him breathing, like, brings, you know, a laugh and a smile in my face. That thing that I was so upset about just goes away. And I just hug him and he hugs me, you know, and we're like. Oftentimes just. That kind of resolves it. Right? Resolves the issue. Right. It takes that energy out. We still have the conversation about what I'm worried about and what, you know, and we. We have it, but it is without that tension of the fight. In fact, you know, we have these funny stories of when we are in anger. Okay, you know, you love this. You love this. You know, you've met Lizzie, too. So I was telling him, you know, because he's in his teenage years. So I said, you know, you are like the ram, right? The, the, the male sheep, right? You're like a ram. You love butting heads. And he said, yeah, what are you like daddy the bull? Like with like, you know, right? Like steam coming out of your nose, like, ready? I'm like, yeah. And that's why you shouldn't fight with your dad. Because guess who wins in a fight between a ram and a bull? He's like, yeah, the bull. And he says, and then mommy must be like the grizzly. Because I'm like, that's right. You'd never go up against mama grizzly. You know, fear, self, compassion, lots of love right there. But don't upset the grizzly. And it's funny because she is the most calm, right of all of us. But like, we just had a laugh about these, you know, these notions of how anger is. But three day breaths, my dear friends. The first big tip. The first big tip. Three deep breath. Let the energy pass. The second tip is something we already talked about in the first part of this conversation with Anil. You know, open your heart. Compassion. Really think about why that person who is acting is acting that way. What in their past has shaped them and the suffering they've faced. What is the suffering they're experiencing right now as they are being angry because it's the not a pleasant emotion. And what's the suffering they experience in the future. Given, you know, all these ill effects that come from anger, if they are quote unquote, an angry person, this is something they haven't mastered. You know, there is a lot of suffering, so we can feel compassion for that. It, you know, will take action slightly differently from that place. And then the third thing that you do is actually reframing our thinking, right? So for me, I'll tell you one example of reframing this thinking. There are two or three things. Number one is for me is, you know, for me, I fundamentally reframed Ashwin as my biggest guru because as I said, you know, he triggers me like no one other because he knows the buttons to push. But I'm like, wonderful. So as I am on this path of continuous development, I treat him as my guru. So every time I get upset or he's doing something, you know, treating him not as a villain but truly as my teacher, you know, brings a bit of levity to it and points it back to myself about why am I getting triggered, right? What is about me all of a sudden? It's not about him. It's not why is he triggering me? What in me is getting triggered. So it focuses on shifting from blaming him to kind of curious about what's coming up for me, that's the effect you can have, too, to if somebody that upsets you. Reframing the other. Reframing is, you know, really looking at our core grounding assessment, the core belief through which we are judging right versus wrong. We can get curious about, hey, is that actually something that is universal or is that just mine? We can also get curious about why they feel that is not something that is important. Many times, you know, we might be misdirected. So this notion of reframe your thinking. There's a lot more in there in the book Hardwired for Happiness, so get a copy. I share a lot more of this, frankly, in the masterclass foundations, so you can go there too. But at least those are the three ways. Deep breath. As a fundamental way to intervene, opening our heart and reframing with our mind are things that people can do to really start to learn how to navigate this unpleasant emotion of anger, which often comes in the way and makes us do things that we regret later. So this is how we manage it. This is how we don't suppress it, how we don't act it out, but we actually just learn to observe it, let it flow through the system, mine it for the wisdom that it holds, and then take actions which are based on what we want to create versus accidentally creating outcomes that we regret most of the time later.

That's beautiful, Ashish. I just love it. I mean, I love the fact that Ashwin is your guru because it teaches us that you can learn from anyone of any age, of any level, and the impression that you have and how you're entering his life and helping him. See, this is just. It's incredible. And I do know Lizzie. And yes, it's ironic. Someone who can be so calm and cool. That's right. You rock the boat. Watch out. But she's probably doing her own part and taking her deep breaths, opening her heart and being very patient at the same time. You know, I just, you know, as we look to close, I just. I want to share a quote from your book, you know, once again, you know, from Seneca. Anger is like an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than anything it is poured on. And I ask our. Our listeners to just reflect, take a moment as you listen to this cast. We all suffer from anger. We feel anger. We may not understand why, we may understand how, but what we all now know is we have a choice. We have a choice to be aware. We have a choice to open our heart. And we have a choice to reframe the thinking and express that curiosity and just really understand this. And I kid you not, Ashish, I will say to you, I wish I could go back 30 years and just share this with my father. I really do. And I. I would encourage our listeners, you know, if there's anyone, you know, that either suffers from anger or is recipient of anger, I just. This is something I would love for all of you to share because this is something that we can tackle together. This is not something that needs to permeate. Anger can be addressed. Anger is a choice. It's a feeling that we aren't it. We feel it. And it's a matter of like my sister intervening in my life and helping me see that I have a choice. Ashish, you're doing the same thing with Ashwin at such a young age. I think that's beautiful. So thank you for sharing that.

Yeah. And I'll just add one more thing, my dear friend, as we, as we wrap up, which is like, you know, just forgive and let go. Or, you know, you can. You forgive the act. You can still choose to close the relationship if the harm is being a big one. But I'll tell you, that's the other thing that's changed in our relationship between my son and I. And frankly, with, you know, with so many, which is we might have an outburst. Look, anger is one of the hardest emotions to master. Just let me be very clear. So even if you hear this and you go, oh, here, I did it again. Yes, I still do it again 60% of the time. But you know what shifts one, I recognize that, oops, I messed up. I let my egoic self down go away. And I go and hug Ashwin and say, hey, I'm sorry. I apologize for being angry for like shouting at you. He's feeling bad too. And then we make up. That's the truth. So many times we'll do something. And especially happens at work too, right? If you're senior, somebody else, you have an outburst, you don't feel that you need to go say sorry. Just go say sorry. Just apologize, give a hug. Mistakes happen. Self compassion and compassion for the other and move past. Because as you said, Anil, I love that quote. When we hold onto it, we do more harm to ourselves and hurt our relationship than when we actually just forgive, ask for forgiveness, and truly move towards, you know, deeper connections. Learn from what happened and make the world a better place. We collectively can rewire for happiness. We can as we master anger get there. So I just want to thank everybody for listening. You can learn a lot more about this, dear friends from you know the book from the masterclass that is in our community and I really encourage you, I really, really encourage you to learn to master this emotion. There are several others that we'll cover in the other podcast, but yeah, all the best until we chat again. Have an amazing week.

Thank you Ashish. Big hugs and lots of love mate.

Cheers.

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