Recode Yourself for Happiness Through Tiny but Mighty Steps with Juni Felix

The first tip is to be brave and dare to believe that your situation is not your destiny and sorrow is not your permanent address. The truth of who you are. It's so simple. You are, as a human being, deeply loved. Regardless of what you've been through, what lies you've been told, what happened to you matters, and what happens to you matters because you matter. And there are some things, I know this on a deeply personal level. There are some things that can never be made right, but you can be made new. And what happened in your life, people need to hear what happened to you, it wasn't fair. It wasn't right. You did not deserve it.

Hey there friends. Welcome to Happiness Squad. This is the podcast dedicated to helping you unlock your full potential by mastering the art and science of happiness. We bring on the best leading experts on these topics to help you unlock your true potential and live with more joy, health, love and meaning in your life. Your host is no other than a star combo of Ashish Kothari and Anil Ramjiani, who are both on a mission to provide you with an unfair advantage to be the masters of your experience and leaders in your industry. Get ready to be moved, challenged and enlightened on this podcast. It may change your life. Thanks for being here and joining the squad.

Hey, Happiness Squad. It's great to have you back with Ashish and I. You know, we live in a world where childhood trauma can truly make or break us in life. Our coding is our makeup and it stays with us as we grow. Now, what if I told you that you have the power and access to recode your own programming? As our next guest shares with us, you have the ability to design the life you deserve through tiny but mighty steps. I am so excited and full of joy as I introduce you all to Juni Felix. Juni is the founder of Mastermind Behavior Design. She's an author of an Amazon bestselling book, a world travel, international broadcaster, and a speaker. She's also a video gamer, a brilliant radio show host, and I am telling you again, an absolute joy and gem of a human being. Did I mention that she also writes poetry? You know, Juni shares with us some really deep trauma that she went through at an early age. And despite those challenges along her life journey, she has emerged stronger, kinder and more playful. Her energy will lift and energize you. So how does she do it? Juni, Ashish and I dive into the power of recoding yourself by reflecting and sharing experiences from our own lives. We unequivocally agreed. Repetition doesn't create habits. Emotions do. The redesign lies in simple and fun micro practices through which you can be made new. Do stay till the end, because Juni shares advice from the bottom of her heart that she believes can help each of us unlock our own flourishing and shine. So come join Ashish, Juni and I as we not only rewire, but also recode ourselves for happiness. Hey, Juni. Hey, Ashish. How are you both doing today?

I'm having a wonderful day. The weather is really blustery out, but I still stepped outside and just looked up at the skies. It's pretty gray around here, but I still love it.

I am awesome as well. How can I not be with two glorious, vibrant people on the call here with me? So I'm showered in sunshine, even though, yes, it is snowy outside and I can't quite see the sun.

Yes. And I had no intention of starting out talking with the weather, but I really was outside a few minutes before we got together. I really was, because I have a squirrel. His name is Obi Wan Squirrel Nobi. And I feed him every day. And he hadn't come to get his peanuts, so I was looking for him before I got on the call with you. So that's why I was outside today. I don't want to engage in small talk about the weather. There was a reason.

But, Juni, you should. You need to take a video of the squirrel and send it to Lizzie because we have a little bird cage outside. You know, I love looking at the bird. Not cage. It's a. You know, it's like a bird feeder. And, you know, it's a constant battle that Lizzie's having with the squirrels, actually, because they love to get on it upside down and eat and, you know. So I think you need to send Lizzie the. The. The peanut. I like Obi Wan, and maybe we can get her to embrace the squirrels and the birds.

There you go. I will definitely do that. And, of course, Anil, you can cut out my squirrel talk if you want to. I won't be mad at you.

Definitely not squirrel. Do you know what's great about this? Is hearing as soon as you said squirrel, I'm like, I know where Ashish is going to take this, because I know now yours and his perspectives on squirrels and the birdcage. This is great. No, our bonding moment was not the weather. It was actually the squirrels.

There you go.

No, well. But it's really. It's really good to be with both of you. And, you know, we've been wanting to Catch up for some time, Juni. And with the podcast, you know, we have our favorite question we love to ask all of our guests to get us rolling, and that is, what does happiness mean for you? And has anything about it changed from your younger years until now?

Well, in my younger years, I didn't really dare too much exploring what happiness meant. I knew from a very early age, about age 5, that whatever this happiness thing was, it was available to some people. But for my mom and my sisters and I's, we were in the other category. So my younger years, I was. You know, you can't really think about what happiness means when you're literally growing up in survival mode. But I do vividly remember a time when my mom and my sisters and I, we were living in a homeless shelter in Alamon, Gordo, New Mexico, and they had on the television the Charlie Brown cartoon. And there was a song they were singing. And I was just a little bitty thing at the time, but I remembered this song. And the song was Happiness is Five Different Crayons. You see how vividly I remember that? Happiness is five different crayons. Climbing a tree, catching a firefly and setting him free. So not only at the time, you know, I know now, but at the time, it seemed impossible and foolish to even imagine a happy life. But I know now how true the song actually is. But when you're a little, little person, you know, growing up in this world so full of many fearful things, it's hard to imagine that happiness could possibly come to your life. Poverty and homelessness. It teaches some powerful lessons that are extremely difficult to overcome. But since then, I'm happy to share that I have indeed discovered what happiness means to me. And it's really quite simple. Happiness is loving life, loving people, seeking and finding and celebrating what's good, no matter how tiny.

I love that, Juni. I love that. And, you know, my dear friend, we had a chance to connect through our mutual friend, Bob Lambert. And oh, my God, what a joy and what a gift and connection from the first hello that I exchanged with you. And, you know, anybody who meets you and he just. And they interact with you, they would not know your journey, you know, from your early childhood years, right. Trauma that you've had to overcome, suffering, hardship, poverty. They would never know any of that because today you embody a very different way of being. I would love for you to share with our listeners a little bit more about your origin story and, you know, key pivotal moments in life that shifted you, transformed you into the luminous being you are right now.

Oh, thank you. Well, as I mentioned just a few minutes ago, I was born into a literal whirlwind of chaos, drama, abuse, severe neglect, homelessness, all kinds of trauma. And I'm categorically a complex trauma survivor, which is the psychological term used to describe those of us who have multiple layers of trauma beginning in the formative years. I'm also a pre verbal trauma survivor. And apologies for little ears, but I have second degree burns on my body from the time I was about six months old. So my origin story, I love that origin story. I'm really into superheroes, but my origin story is one that I kept to myself for a very long time. I mean, I've been in broadcasting for over 20 years now in my career, but I just honestly thought it's such a bummer. Who wants to hear about my origin story? And so, you know, well into my adult years, I was doing everything. Thank you for that, Anil. I'm learning that I was wrong about that. Yes. You know, it is such a bummer. But it's helping a lot of people now that I'm sharing. Sharing. And as a young person, I did everything I could. And then well into my adult years, I did everything I could to help look after and take care of my mother and be there to help take care of my six siblings. I'm the second oldest of seven siblings. And so I did everything I could for my early, early years. My earliest memory of trying to take care of my mom, I was five years old and my mother was sick. As long as I knew her, I never knew her well. I knew her illnesses, I knew her sorrow. But I can't honestly say that I knew her as a person because she never knew herself. So I spent most of my formative years, and really most of my adulthood so far on suicide watch and wondering if tomorrow might be the day that she would lose hope and just give up on life.

And so what along the way, Juni. Right. Shifted. What were things that actually helped you find the strength and then channel that strength to heal others and support others in that way, you know, because I'm really curious about that, because a lot of people who go through that, some of them emerge stronger. And you're clearly one who is that way. But there are many who just give up hope, as you say, or just become smaller versions or get really embittered and angry at the world, you know. So share with us, you know, what along the way happened and helped you into taking the different path.

Sure. Well, I started trauma Therapy at about age 4. And this was, of course, I love to research. So I did research into. I called it Juni 101. And so I just researched everything I could find about my life in those early years. I actually started trauma therapy when I was four years old. But my healing journey really began when I was about nine. I was frequently escorted out of class because I would sit quietly in the back of the classroom crying and hoping that no one would notice. And of course my teachers noticed. But when you're a child growing up on suicide watch for a parent, you know, you try to be as quiet and invisible as you want. But one teacher just one time just put my desk in the hallway. And I'll never forget, the guidance counselor came and she would sit, she would take me and we would sit backstage in the auditorium of the elementary school and she would talk to me. And I remember being about nine and I would think, why do some adults care? And some really don't. Some just don't. And I decided there must be a way to become a person who cares. And though I didn't really know or understand what I was realizing at that moment, of course, as a nine year old, that was something that was really important for my journey. We talk about the identity shift in behavior design, and that was one of those moments for me that I now have words for. But the other thing that happened that year when we were still living in the homeless shelters, we were still living in and out of shelters and all kinds of precarious places. But that was the first year, God bless my mama, because she always managed to keep us in school even when we had nowhere to live. But that was the first year that I sat in front of. Do you remember those old Apple IIe computers at school? Yes. I sat in front of that computer and I loaded up my wagon to conquer the Oregon Trail. I mean, that's when I first fell in love with video games. But as soon as I turned on that computer and began that journey, I had a crystal clear thought. Ashish Anil. I remember this thought. I have to find out how this works. And so I set out to do that. I was a kiddo who would sneak into the library and I would tear pages out of that old magazine, you remember, Popular Mechanics? I would tear pages out of that magazine and I would. I would hide them in my clothes and then I would go home and study them later. And I didn't know what it was called at the time. But that's, I believe, when I became a researcher and an Explorer and a lifetime learner. And then fast forward to the seventh grade. My mother remarried. Unfortunately, she remarried a person who was also deeply wounded and disturbed as well. And we moved to an army base in Germany. And then someone, when I was in the seventh grade, someone got the bright idea to take a bus filled with 12 and 13 year olds to one of the remaining largest death camps. They drove us on a bus to Dachau. And there, as a 12 year old, I'm walking these gravel roads. We walked, we saw the gas chambers. We were in the gas chambers. We saw the incinerating ovens. And I felt for the first time the tangible presence of evil. And I already knew. I already knew full well that life can be impossibly hard, unfair and terrible. But it was there that I made a very specific promise to myself as a 12 year old. I decided there's enough evil, enough abuse, enough hunger, enough homelessness, enough want and need in this world. I promised myself that day that somehow, some way, I was going to figure out how to be a part of what's good in this world. Logically, you know, it's possible. If humans can be that evil, then there must be a human way to be a part of what's truly good. So I took my first computer programming class in the 10th grade. And that's when I fell in love with programming and creative content and communication and collaboration and the true unlimited power. Here's the real thing, the real important thing about my journey. I learned the power of tiny things, like one keystroke in a line of code. So the short of it, I know that was a long way to get here, but the short of it was, for me, it was through the kindness of God, through lightworkers like yourselves, and the love of people learning and research, which I deeply enjoy, that continues to guide my way.

Yeah, I mean, there are. There is so much there, Juni, in that story. Thank you for the vulnerability. Thank you for sharing. Right. These transformative experiences that we have, you know, just to recap for the listeners, I think, number one, you know, that person, the choice you made, looking at the, you know, your counselor said, hey, he cares or she cares, and there are others that don't. I am going to choose to be one that cares. So, again, like, this notion of choice, amazing. And a second choice that you made, you know, in Germany, hey, there is so much evil here. I'm not going to lose hope. I'm actually going to be. I'm going to create something that's good. But intentions are not enough. And you highlighted, you know, research, learning, really committing towards actually taking that journey and taking that journey one tiny step at a time. I love that. Obviously, a big part of that tiny steps is where you and I collaborate around Happiness Squad and all the amazing work you're helping us take these practices and make it accessible to people, Juni. But before we dig into that, look, you've wrote your own book. And I loved your book when I read it. I mean, I literally. I'm not kidding, Juni. I picked up your book and I didn't put it down till I was on the last page. I read it all at one time. I started at 8, and I think it was like 2. I just read it all the way through, and it was so touching and it was so powerful and it was so, so. They were filled with so much goodness and tips. So for our listeners, could you share two or three tips that you highlight the big insights that you share in that tip? You are worth the work.

Oh, I'll be glad to. And I do want to back up and say thank you, Ashish, because the first time that you and I talked and I shared just a little bit about my background as being a 12 year old and making that kind of decision, you gave me some encouragement that I'd never received before. You said, you are a remarkable 12 year old. I had never thought about that before, but it's. It's just so true. There's a show on Netflix. It's called Old Enough. It's a Japanese program that's actually been running in Japan for like 20 years or something like that. But there's two. There's two year olds who walk to market and get the whole grocery list and walk back. And when my husband and I first started watching that show, he was like, they should interview you and your sisters. Yes. For being on the show. Because it's amazing what we're capable of as little ones. And we. We take that for granted. So thank you for your encouragement after I first shared that with you. So my book. Yes, thank you so much for asking. All right. Tips as an expert behavior design teacher, I wrote this book because I wanted to share some of the treasures of wisdom that I discovered from more than 25 years of research and practice, personal practice. I call behavior design the science of love, because it's all about the ways that you can design a life overflowing with ongoing tiny celebrations that are loving first towards yourself and overflowing toward others. So I hope that my readers can see that. They can. Yes, they can. Indeed, design a personalized strategy for their work. Not only for recovery from trauma, but how the systems of behavior design. Behavior design, the systems, the models, and the methods can be used. Tiny habits can be used to empower your life of joy that overflows and makes this world a better place. Because the truth is, every moment of every single day. Ashish, Anil, we are designing the life we believe we deserve.

Yes.

So the first tip is to be brave and dare to believe that your situation is not your destiny and sorrow is not your permanent address. The truth of who you are, it's so simple. You are, as a human being, deeply loved. Regardless of what you've been through, what lies you've been told, what happened to you matters. And what happens to you matters because you matter. And there are some things. I know this on a deeply personal level. There are some things that can never be made right, but you can be made new. And what happened in your life, people need to hear what happened to you. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. You did not deserve it. And trauma, it's just like bad code. It causes every system and process to malfunction. Body, mind, spirit and soul. But no matter what you've been through, you can recode the system. One tiny decision after the next. It's wildly courageous work. Until you believe that you're worth the work, all the tips and tricks in the world are not going to help you. You must first choose to believe that you are worth the work.

Wow. So deep. And then thoughts from you, my dear friend. I read the book. I mean, this. I mean, it just brought me back to that night that I first dug into it. Ginny. But as somebody who's heard this for the first time, how does this work? What. What comes up for you as you heard, Juni?

You know, so I want to mention for our listeners, the name of the book that Ashish is referring to is, you are worth the work. And I saw this for the first time when I went on your website, Juni. And I. Let me. Let me even take a step back from there. The first time I actually heard of Juni was when I was reading the first few pages of Tiny Habits. And we're going to come to that here in a second. And I learned about just one aspect of trauma in her life. And so hearing this next level, especially at that age, and trauma, to me, like, I think we each go through our own trauma. We talk about veterans that go through their own trauma and suffer PTSD afterwards. You know, as a child growing up that. That is likened to ptsd. Any trauma you have with parents, with friends, with family. So, you know, to your question, Ashish, I'm a firm believer in recoding. And I love the fact that we're talking to Juni, who's a massive gamer who actually went back to Oregon Trail. Haven't heard that game in ages. And I loved it because that was one of the first games I played. But truly, as human beings, you know, we. We liken ourselves sometimes to computers, to machines. We are a neural network. We are capable of reprograming ourselves, recoding ourselves. And that's something that I do believe in, because if you're not able to give yourself the time to code and recode and rewrite your programming, you know, we joke, you know, I'm version 2.0 today. I'm version 3.0 today. Why do we joke? Because we're constantly recoding, right?

We're.

We're learning, we're adapting. You know, we're. We're learning computers, right? So I really do love that. And I think it gets. Gives a lot of hope, Juni, to people. And just to bounce it back to both of you, I think it's. It's how maybe, Ashish, if you've got an example from your side, like, have you ever had to recently or in the past recode something that you've suffered from and had to come back from?

Well, yeah. I mean, for me, I mean, I had to recode my whole definition. My whole definition of, you know, success leads to happiness. Right? That was. That. That was a code I. I picked up when I was 4 or 5, which was the only way you're going to be happy is if you're going to be successful. And only way you're going to be successful is if you're going to put in the hard work and out. Hustle and out, work, work harder, work smarter, and work, frankly, longer than anybody else, right? No breaks. And then you will get promoted and you will have a house and you'll have money, and then you can buy all the things that make you happy. Otherwise, you're gonna struggle, right? I mean, yes, there is a big gap between making enough money so you don't struggle versus, you know, the unlimited treadmill that we get on trying to buy our way to happiness. Suffering all along the way. Because, you know, when we retire, we're gonna be happy. We want to make other people's life happy. More importantly, when I say other people, our families, our kind of cause just stops there.

Yeah.

Right. So my own journey, Anil, right. Over the last six, seven years was fundamentally of an awakening and the disillusion of. Actually, it's not success that leads to happiness, it's happiness that leads to success. And our desire for accumulation is not for more.

Yes.

It's for all.

Yes.

And so you can never. You can never finish that. Right. So if you're gonna wait till. I'm gonna get somewhere. Right. If we are in a cell, we want. We have a one. One room that we have in a house. We want the house. If we have a house, we want the neighborhood. If we want the neighborhood, we want the city. If we have the city, we want the state. We have a state. We want the country. If we have a country, we want. Want the planet. And, you know, there's some of us now who are like, why wait on this planet? Let's go to Mars. As if that rice is going to stop at Mars. We're ready, right? It's not. We already have heaven right here, right amongst us. We live it. And that was a big reprogramming for me, Anil. Right. This fundamental pivot back to appreciating what you've got now, love and family, what we have now, and enjoying the journey rather than waiting for something.

And that's a recode that you're doing at this age, mate. Like, that's something that our listeners should know. You're constantly recoding. So whether it's in the last year, five years, or 30, 40 years, always. Sorry, Juni, back to you.

And, you know, it's not work to do the recoding. It's actually fun. It's an adventure. It's discovery. And so that perspective is very important.

Are you enjoying the show so far? Let me ask you a few questions before going back. Have you ever wondered why so many of us struggle with stress, anxiety, and burnout and feel stuck in life? Heck, maybe you're going through this right now. Well, the reason for this lies in the evolutionary biology of our brains, which are hardwired for fear. It's part of the reason why our team named this podcast Happiness Squad. It serves as a reminder that happiness is what really matters and that we are in this together. And that is why we are so excited to share with you a resource to help you on your journey. One of our hosts, Ashish Guattari, launched a book, Hardwired for Happiness, and it is a 1Amazon bestseller. When you get access to this book, you will discover nine secular practices that can change your life and are backed by scientific evidence from psychology and neuroscience. Learn how you can integrate hardwired for happiness practices in every part of your life to unlock your best self regardless of how busy you are. Shift from knowing to doing to being with a range of journaling, meditation and group coaching exercises and so much more. Go to www.happinesssquad.combook to get access Right now we also have bonuses on the page that you don't want to miss. Once again, www.happinessquad.com book and now back to the show.

So Juni, that was brilliant. And there's something you said that I want to quote before I shift gears. And that is designing the life that we deserve. And that's a specialty of yours, right? You are a mastermind. Behavior design and something Ashish and I spoke to a colleague of yours about when we last recorded was around New Year's resolutions. And I just want to kind of ask you, we know people struggle. I struggle making a resolution, but only making it, but then keeping it from your experience. What are one or two of your best practices on how people can build those habits, those tiny steps, one at a time?

This is one of those moments where we're audio, but I wish people could see the video because I'm just smiling so bright. I love this question because it gives me the opportunity to say that goals don't work, but systems do. This is something that we say often in behavior design and just as a quick overview. Behavior design is a comprehensive system for thinking clearly about human behavior and designing simple ways to transform lives created by Dr. B.J. fogg at Stanford University and on the teaching team. This is one of my favorite things to teach that goals don't work, systems do. So I also teach a workshop. It's called why Willpower Won't. And Ashish, you've read my book, so you know there's a section in the book called why Willpower Won't, and it's based on one of Dr. Fogg's discoveries with my colleagues at the Stanford Behavior Design Lab about the top 10 mistakes in behavior change. And we hope that those that we guide will, for the rest of their lives, pretend that willpower doesn't exist. It's the first step to a better future. Goals. Goals are nice, but they're too vague and abstract, just like happiness. This is kind of what happened in your journey that I know about, Ashish. You are trying to design happiness based on someone else's objectives and aspirations and not your own. So just like happiness, designing a personalized system that Works just for you. Even happiness is an abstraction. And it's impossible to design effectively for abstractions. And one of the reasons goals fail is because they're too vague, they're too abstract. And the human creature we are designed to move forward incrementally and systematically with literal baby steps, not these con. You know, these. We need concrete objectives. That's right. We need these concrete objectives, not abstractions. And they need to be tiny and they need to be simple. So the go big or go home culturally conditioned mindset, it just sets us up to fail. It produces shame and blame and self condemnation and comparison. Because it goes, goes against human design. When you fail to keep your resolutions, it's not because something is wrong with you. It's just a fundamental misunderstanding about how human behavior and psychology actually works. Those big leaps are completely unsustainable. Unless you're like a super. You know, there's always the exception, Right?

Exactly. Exactly. You know, and research proves that, right? It's even in the case of happiness. Right? We talk about this all the time. Those who pursue happiness, and for them happiness is a goal, are actually the most unhappiest. Yeah, it doesn't work. However, those who focus on integrating practices, systems into their life, right? On how to live a virtuous life filled with meaning in connection with others, taking care of our bodies, those practices, when you do that, happiness ensues. So you get there. But pursuing goal. And I think that's a big part of the. You know, I took that as a big takeaway, Juni. And that's why Juni and I and Neil have collaborated around really integrating the science of habit formation into. Into the work around practices. Because just like everything else we know, mindfulness is good, yet 10% do it. And it's not because they don't want to do it. It's because the way they go about it is fundamentally broken.

It's so true. So that's the thing about behavior design is taking everything and making it tiny and simple. Because the formula for human behavior, motivation, ability and prompt, you have to take that ability into. Into the. The equation there. So when the objective is tiny and concrete, you don't need a lot of ability to succeed toward taking your next tiny step towards your aspiration. And you do not need willpower. So one of the most helpful things you can do when you're creating new habits and leveling up, as we say in the video game community, in the skill of change, because change is a skill. Think of willpower as a prompt that reminds you of what you value and what's important in your life. If you can't throw it out altogether, eventually with practice, you'll be able to throw it out altogether. I do not miss it.

Goodbye, willpower.

We broke up for good. But it's just a prompt that reminds you of what matters in your journey, like a prompt on the smartphone. And so let that prompt inspire you to do the next tiny thing that moves you forward and then always celebrate every single time. And there's one more thing. I hope I'm not talking too long here, but the second thing that's important to remember and to know is that repetition does not create our habits. It's not doing a certain thing that you really don't want to do for a certain span of time. The research reveals it's emotions that create our habits. At the root of every habit, for better or for worse, is an emotion. And you've got to do the work to get to the root if you want sustainable results for good.

You know, I just, I can imagine people are listening to this, right? And hearing, bye bye willpower. Bye bye goals. You know, it's almost, I'm not going to say controversial, but I'm sure people are like, I don't believe it. You know, all my life been told it's about willpower, it's about setting goals, whether they're smart goals or not. Juni, from your experience, when you've had to work with your clients and help them overcome and rethink this and redesign how they approach the process, their emotions, to create these systems, as, as said, integrate these habits, these micro practices into their lives, step by step to create something better. What have you had? What have you had to say to them? What have you shared with them to. To win their hearts and minds, to, to. To take you and follow what you're suggesting?

Well, as a someone who loves research, I will often remind folks that a lot of the things that we believe and have learned have been passed on to us. And it was faulty research, it was erroneous studies. There weren't very many back in the day about habits, but about repetition and a certain span of days that language is still circulating in our culture today. It wasn't really sound scientific research that produced those anecdotes that our parents and grandparents were being taught. And so we're passed down erroneous information about how habit formation actually works. So that's something to consider. Consider. And also the simplicity of behavior design is offensive to some people. It just seems too simple, too easy, too fun. I Mean, we have a lot of fun, but you need to think about why the simplicity is offensive. That also goes back to generations past. What have you been taught about learning, what learning is supposed to be like? All the modern research and I am hoping for the complete just renovation, redesign of our academic system here in the West. Because when I was working at a startup called Code Verse on a mission to teach a billion kids to code, we designed the classroom of the future. And it was anchored in fun. So simplicity and fun is something we never grow out of a need for when it comes for learning. So we just have to have an open mind and be willing to consider something. I mean, come on, you tried everything else. Why not give this a try? Have a little fun.

Let me, you know, I'm thinking about this. And Ashish, I'm sure you, from your experience and clients that you've worked with, I mean, maybe I'm just wondering why is it people want to approach this, you know, as rocket science?

Right?

And so, Juni, I'm sure you've had clients that, like you said, started thinking, it can't be this simple. Tell, you know, how did you, or can you share maybe an example of some work you've done with a client that you know would inspire our listeners behind how truly powerful this simple approach can be?

Oh, of course. Yes. I gotta tell you, the biggest roadblock, the simplicity is being uncomfortable and it sounds too good to be true, but it is true. But the biggest roadblock I encounter, especially with trauma clients that I'm working with in the trauma recovery space, it is remembering that you have so much worth and value in this world. When you're fighting a war in your mind, you've got trash talk happening because it's what you've learned in your formative years. You're fighting this battle in your mind. And one of my favorite authors on this topic, Peggy, on Omara, she says the way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. And the science, yeah, the science reveals that we change best by feeling good, not bad. So a lot of the trash talk, that bad programming, self, bad programming, it didn't originate from within you. It actually happened over time in the formative years of brain development. So a lot of the trash talk, the bad programming that did not originate from within you, it happened over time in the formative years of your brain development. So these are self inflicted personal micro betrayals that hold us and keep us from moving forward and having hope that something might work. And they're both caught and taught. They are what Erode our happiness, and they steal our joy. There was this great study that they did at Yale on social cognitive development. And the results revealed that as humans, we actually manufacture evidence to support our beliefs and our biases. And then we use all that information that we've gathered to construct proof. Because everybody wants to be right about something. Right? It's a very human thing that we do. Harvard did a wonderful series of studies on the psychology of the abused, neglected child. And it revealed, in part, that, you know, we want to belong so badly that we will hold on to anything to stay connected, attached to that parent or caretaker. So much so that we will choose to believe them. The trash, the lies that were spoken over us. And that can even called what's called a fear of happiness. Because if that person was. That was important to you, was chronically unhappy in your formative years, finding your path to happiness feels like it's disloyal. It feels like a betrayal toward that unhealthy, abusive person. So I help people design ways of letting go of the lies they've been told about their worth and value using baby steps based on their current ability, their current ability to. So that they can dare to believe that they are worthy of love and life and happiness and even joy.

Juni, I'm going to add something there from a. From a spiritual lens that complements the science and the research. Right. That you just highlighted. So one of my favorite spiritual teachers is Thich Nathan. He's a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who just passed away last year. And just, you know, his whole life was around helping people be in the present moment, teach mindfulness. He was nominated, actually, for the Nobel Prize by Martin Luther King. He had such a big influence on him. And, you know, and the reason I want to bring this in is, you know, because there's a lot of listeners who might say, well, I don't talk that way, or my parents didn't talk that way to me. And I wanted to bring this in because I think this is true for all of us. And let me make this clear. 100% of us actually experience some shape or form of trauma now. Big trauma, big T or small trauma, it doesn't matter. And I loved his. You know, he said, think about it when you are a child. And this is an invitation for our listeners. I think if you had a child or when you were a child, did an adult. Did your mom. Mom or your dad ever raise their voice at you? And if you said, no, never, I don't believe you.

Yeah, yeah, Mine would be no did they ever not raise their voice? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I've. You know, we do it all the time. Oftentimes we do it out of anxiety, out of frustration, trying to protect. Don't do that. You're gonna get hurt. Now think about at 2, 3 or 4, your size versus the size of your parent. And that is your main connection to survival. How can you not experience trauma when to somebody who you feel so dependent so love on you see them getting angry and upset. So we all have these micro traumas that we pick up along the way. They start to shape who we are. They start to unconsciously drive how we see the world. Right. And yet there is a piece that I want to bring in from what you said before. So it doesn't matter whether you had the big trauma, the big T or little traumas along the way. We all pick up what we pick up from our parents, from others. And oftentimes, you know, of course, we pick up the good. But our brains also have a negativity bias. So especially when we get admonished, we pick those up and we remember those and they start to become who we are. But there was a beauty in Juni, what you said before, regardless of what happened to you, first, treat yourself with self compassion and your parents with compassion because they all also went through the same level of programming.

So.

And second, know that what happened to you is not you. You can't change what happened to you, but you can change what you choose to do next. And I loved your story, Joni, initially. Right. You chose. You didn't choose the trauma that happened and your. How you grew up and what happened to you, but you made a choice at multiple points in your life to say, I'm going to be the choose. I'm going to choose to be the good person.

Yeah.

I'm going to choose to be the kind person.

And there has to be a way. There has to be a way to be a part of what's good. And I looked around. I mean, just. I say this a lot, but logically, the people in my life, the adults in my life were so miserable. So I just decided. People ask me all the time about my parenting because my boys are just. They're really. They're awesome. I know I'm the mom and I'm saying that, but my boys are amazing. They asked me parenting advice and I just say, well, I basically just looked at everything that the adults were doing in my life when I was growing up, and I did the opposite. I figured if verbal abuse and yelling and screaming and cursing causes this much harm, this much pain, so deep inside of me, my soul, my body, then what will the opposite do? So I kind of made an experiment of my sons, and they're doing great.

I'm going to add to that, though, because I think we talked about how you, as parents, would speak to your children or how you were spoken to as a child. I'm going to complement that with also what you hear, how your parents interact with each other. Because, you know, I had parents that they screamed at each other, they yelled at each other, and, like, the kids are in the room. And whether they knew they knew it or not, I think that's also another voice and sound they hear. I mean, I can tell you flat out, and this is embarrassing to say, but I have to admit it. I spoke to my mom the same way my dad did when I was 12 years old. I flipped up my mom and I would scream and use language with her.

That my dad did.

And I thought it was okay. And my father never told me to stop. So I think what's really important here is it's not just the voice that you hear that you're told, but it's also what you pick up along the way.

Juni, we can go on forever talking about. There is so much we would love to have you back. I would love to ask one question to you, which is, you know, you shared a lot of richness behind behavior design around, you know, how we can move past goals, past willpower, and make change happen. Could you take an example, something really concrete of something that you either worked with an individual or a company around something they wanted to accomplish, and break it down to, you know, how you help them change it. Share a little bit about, you know, the richness behind the tiny habits model. Obviously, there's a habit piece, which is, how do you make it small? But there are a couple of other elements that I would love for our listeners to hear directly from you.

Well, I think my most memorable. One of my most memorable client experiences is also in the trauma space. I'm in that space a lot these days. But one client who survived many, many terrible things in their formative years from all outside perspectives. This. This person was a success, credentialed, working in an Ivy League school, making wonderful discoveries in a lab in the field of neurobiology. A faithful volunteer in the community and at the church. Church. But at night, could only go to sleep with prescription sleeping pills and vodka. Yeah, dangerous. So over the years, on the days. On the days off for this person, they struggled just to get out of bed. And this is a very extreme situation. But, you know, we've all felt that from time to time. When you're going through something that's really hard, it's a struggle even to get out of bed. So this was on a. A profound level for this individual. The sadness and sorrow would just debilitate them on the days off. So after we began journeying together, working together on their unique tiny habits, behavior design strategy, we call it a master plan for victory over that sorrow. I'll never forget that day. I got a text from this individual, and. And it just said, I made it to the couch. And so I immediately called. I immediately called. Think how tiny that is. Oh, my God. Yes, I made it to the couch. So I called, and we celebrated together that tiny but mighty victory over the darkness. Now, within a few months, celebration after celebration of those tiny but mighty victories based on that person's ability. The ability is a key component. We never focus on motivation in behavior design. We. We ramp. We don't ramp up motivation. A lot of times people think, that's it. Play the. The moving, emotional music or do something to ramp up motivation. No. Make the behavior simple and easy as possible. So within a few months after those tiny celebrations of tiny victories, one after the nut, the next, this person no longer needed vodka and prescriptions to stay asleep. And it's because they learned how to create their own personalized success momentum. That's another term that we use a lot. Personalized success momentum, baby steps. And each success was a tiny seed of hope. There's the key right there. That lovingly, intentionally cared for that tiny seed of hope. It helped them to level up to the. At the pace that was best for their personalized strategy and the healing journey.

Beautiful. I love that. Right? This notion of how do we help them build their momentum based on where they are. You know, a lot of the coaching work, we always say, don't start where you are. Start where your client is. And that ability is so important. We gotta anchor the bridge where people are, and we've gotta go from there. And you gotta celebrate. You gotta celebrate. It's emotions, not repetition. Right? It's emotions. How can we celebrate? Create that positive, you know, boost in our. In our brains? How can we give that to ourselves?

So true. And I really appreciate what we're doing in the happiness squad with the masterclass curriculum, because one of the things that we do is we work on micro practices for being an encourager and an affirmer to others in your life. And you know, to have someone that you can text and say, I made it to the couch. And for that person to call and say, congratulations, superhero. Look at you. You are conquering this thing. To have someone that can choose here for you based on your ability can really make all the difference.

Yes, it's amazing, Juni. This has been such a powerful, a joyful and inspirational and a really, really amazing episode that I think we've had a chance to record with you. We would love to have you come back and I think we want to have. There is so much more. There is so much more that folks can learn from you, engage with you. Because look, I think what you're doing one tiny step of the way is changing lives. And that's why it's such a pleasure to have you in the Happiness Squad community and have so many people you know learn from you. But tell our listeners as we wrap this up, Juni, what are some ways in which people can find you, connect with you, and seek your help in helping them change their lives?

Sure thing. Well, my websites are mastermindbehaviordesign.com and that's where I do a lot of my consulting work with businesses, individuals of all sizes to learn the mindset of behavior design. And then junipilix.com I had to think about it and I am spending a little bit more time on Instagram. That's the platform that I enjoy the most. So I've dialed back on all the other platforms. So just look for Juni Felix. J U N I Felix. Like fix it Felix.

Well, Juni, thank you so much. And as you know, you shared so much with us, it's been amazing. But I want to ask you one to three tips. Let's say that you would love to share with our listeners that they can start practicing from today to take those tiny but mighty steps.

Sure thing number one. Please take good, unapologetic care of yourself. Self nurturing is so important and it's never selfish and always and only be kind. There's enough bullies in the world. Please don't bully yourself. The second one is go outside and play. Get out from in front of the screen or stop hiding behind that screen. At least one one time a day. Get outside and just look up. And please schedule fun into your everyday. And the last one is take good intentional care of your most important relationships. Real love does no harm. So please resolve to love well at every opportunity in all the tiny but mighty ways that only you can. Those are my favorite three. Go play.

Wow. So powerful. Thank you my dear friend. Such a pleasure to have with you. Have an amazing rest of your day. I know what I'm going to be doing right after this podcast is go out and actually the sun has come out and I'm just going to sit and just soak it in. There you go.

I wish I could soak it in with you one day.

We will stay warm both. Take care. Great to see you both.

Bye bye.

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