Self Love: The Secret to Success

Hey, guys, welcome back. It's episode number 311 of the podcast and this week you have a really special treat. I'm so excited for you to hear this conversation because this week I am joined by my personal coach, a personal friend of mine and a fellow boutique owner, Krystal Rose. Crystal's been through boutique Boot camp. She's been to the Boutique Summit, she's been on our LA experience, she's done just about everything she can do inside of the boutique hub, and we've built a friendship along the way. And now Crystal's embarking on a brand new journey and that is helping other high achieving women feel satisfaction and find peace in what they're doing day to day in her own journey, in building a business around a real niche in our industry, women with muscles. And also battling with her own health journey and mental health journey. Along the way, Crystal found a new way to not only help herself, but to help others as well. So when I reconnected with Crystal about this new opportunity, I had a couple of questions for her and it was, Crystal, why do I feel the way that I feel? Why do I do some of the things that I do? I am so blessed to be where I'm at in life and in business that at the end of the day, I just want to feel more peace. I want to feel present in the moment that I'm in. I don't want to always be chasing what's next. And so what Crystals helped me do is really uncover why I do some of these things. What are the thought patterns, what are, what are the past experiences in my life that have led me to the way that I operate today. So today we're uncovering all of that in the podcast. Plus we're talking about some of the most common struggles that we see in our industry with mental health, with personal fulfillment, with some of the backup behaviors that we all carry. And I think you guys are going to find so much enjoyment in this episode because you're going to maybe find that you're not alone in what you're battling and you're going to find some actionable strategies that you can take home and put into action right away so that you can be present tomorrow and you can find some peace tomorrow in the journey that you're on. So get ready to meet my friend, Crystal. This is going to be an episode that you will want to watch again if you're watching on YouTube or listen again if you're listening anywhere. Podcasts are shared. You're going to love this.

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Meet my friend, Crystal Rose. Let's talk about your business strategy and the juicy details of what actually works from mainstream fashion to fashion on Main street and the entire ecosystem behind it. How do we scale your company and do it with the balance and the happiness that we all seek? Let's hear from those insiders, experts, and strategists that actually make it happen. I'm your host, Ashley Alderson from the Boutique Hub, and I can't wait to chat.

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Hey guys, welcome back to this week's podcast. And like usual, you can either catch this while listening to the audio of the podcast or catch us via video on YouTube as well. I'm. I'm always loving when I get to interview people I know or like that I have real human relationships with that I've met in person. And so this week is one you're definitely going to want to listen to. And you're going to love my friend Crystal Rose. She is a self love life coach and fellow boutique owner, owner of Rebellia, which is really a pretty cool niche that fits women with athletic bodies, which is common today.

Right.

You've built something out of a need, which I think is so cool. So, Crystal, thanks so much for joining the podcast today.

Yeah, thanks for having me. I'm like super excited about this.

I feel like we could go a lot of different directions. There's going to be a lot of squirrels coming out of this conversation, but you guys are going to love the content because Crystal is genius. We've got to tell some backstory first. So we first met, you randomly found the hub and joined the Hub a long, long time ago.

Yes. And if the hub had existed like a year or so before, I would have been the happiest person. I was searching just for a community, other women, other business owners in the boutique space, just something, anything, because it was just so lonely for me.

Yeah, I remember when you came in and when I got to know more about your business, you had applied for Bootcamp and I called you and we got to talk about it, and you were really one of the first super niche stores that I started to work with and kind of an emerging category that I feel like today has really blown up more than it was at the time. And then you went through boot camp and the old school version of boot camp, right?

Yeah, yeah, the weekly, weekly classes, webinars. We had like other other sister boutiques in and it was great. It was really awesome.

Yeah. And you and I got a lot of one on one time during that period as well. Which I love. I wish we had more of that today. And we've had a chance to meet a couple times in person, most notably when we see each other. You try to squat me like I'm barbell.

Yes. And last time, admittedly, I was pretty weak. I hadn't really been lifting all that much and I maybe had a glass or so of wine and I was like, yeah, squatting is a great idea. Almost fell over, almost took out the step and repeat or whatever it was.

End of the day, it was a lot of fun. It made for some good pictures. And you also like to wrap some Tupac at early in the wee morning hours after. We've enjoyed establishments together in LA for our LA experience trip. We've been around the block, but yeah, we've had some.

We've had some good times.

So I'm going to just jump right into this because we could talk about rebellion and the boutique side of your world, but I would rather shift. Like, I felt so privileged to get to work with you and work with Rebellia, but then all of a sudden, you know, in the last year, I. I've noticed this transformation in you. Like, I've been watching you from afar, like, oh, my gosh, like, she just seems so at peace and just present and grounded and whatever was happening with you, it was very contagious. And then you and I started to have a conversation about your self. Love coaching and this transformation you've gone through. And you offered to coach me, so the tables totally turned.

Yeah.

And now I'm in the middle of this process with you. And it's amazing. Like, it is one of the most powerful experiences I've ever had with a coach. So I'm so excited to get to just share what that's like with everybody else because I feel like everyone that I come across in the Hub, or just in this industry in general is really hungry for what you have to say. And so today we're going to get a chance to say it.

Yeah. Well, I just want to thank you for that because that was amazing, amazing feedback to hear.

Well, I mean, I don't do fluff. I really feel like when I came to you, I said, you know, I'm. I've got wonderful things happening in my life. I'm so happy where I am. I've got great relationships. Like, all these things are. Are feeling like they're going my way, but at the same time, like, I don't want to hustle, I don't want to be burned out. I want to have great Relationships and be present. And I just am after that feeling of peace at the end of the day, like I'm here and I've got this and you know, just ready to take my whole life to kind of another level of this is how it's meant to be.

Yeah, yeah. Complete alignment.

Complete alignment. So let me ask you this. I know you see, well, before I ask you that, I'm just thinking about questions. If someone asks Crystal, what do you do? Like what does this process mean? How do you explain it to people?

Yeah. So I say I'm a self love life coach. I think when you say self love, a lot of people think it's kind of a fluffy sort of thing. But really it's pretty deep and it can get pretty ugly if there's a lot of stuff that you haven't had a good look at, I guess deep in your system over the years. So if there's something that you've been running from, how we dig that out. So telling people I'm a self love life coach is very surfacey. But there's an ugly side to it and I think it takes the kind of person who's really willing to do the work and is just kind of sick of spinning their wheels. Yeah.

You and I have talked a lot about mindset and I think that's a buzzword anymore that a lot of people know they need help with. Maybe a mindset strategy. Strategy. But it's not just about mindset. Right. It's not about reading another self help book or a self love book. Tell me the difference between mindset work and actually working on your belief system and self love.

Yeah. So mindset work. Mindset is kind of later down the chain, just like your behaviors. Right. We all want to. We have a behavior that we want to change. Or you want to start a new behavior that's healthier. And when we work at the behavior level, we just try to change something that may be a coping mechanism or kind of destructive. Maybe you're a people pleaser, maybe you emotionally eat and you're like, I want to stop this. It doesn't stick because there's something deeper. Right. And so people go to the mindset. Well, it's my mindset. I have to change my mindset. And again, we are doing things up in our brain and things can't really see stick there. What drives our mindset is our internal belief system and that is inside of our body, which especially if you are a busy, high achieving woman, you don't spend a lot of time in Your body, you spend a lot of time up in your head thinking, overthinking, thinking about overthinking, just going around in circles and constantly, you know, hustling and, and think, think, think. In our body there's just like a lot more connection when we can get in there. And we don't even know where some of these beliefs come from until we're able to really tap into that. So our beliefs drive our mindset and if we only are focusing on the mindset, that's where you're going to spin your wheels and get really frustrated.

What do you think? Some of the most common, like belief systems that people, people need to work on that high achieving women need to work on.

What are the most common ones? So this is, I mean, this is very personal to me. As you mentioned, you kind of noticed a shift in me and for me personally, I didn't know it, but I was hustling for my worth and it really kind of whittled down to I have to do this, I have to achieve this to be enough to be worthy. And the worthiness is a huge one. Just I'm not worthy or I have to do something in order to be worthy and also to be loved. So that's another, you know, internal belief that like I have to do something to be loved or I won't be loved if I'm not perfect or if I'm not this. So two main things is worthiness and just wanting to be loved.

What are some symptoms of that? So like that's the core. Tell me more about how that shows up in different ways in different people.

Yeah, so here's the crazy thing is that like two people can have the same internal belief, like I don't feel worthy or I need to do things to be worthy or whatever. One person might emotionally eat and then after they emotionally eat, they have this shame spiral and then they just, you know, they do it again and again. Someone else, you know, they're looking for that certainty that safety in the emotional eating. Another person might go to the gym for that certainty and that safety. And society looks at them as someone who's really healthy and disciplined. Whereas it has nothing to do with discipline or motivation. It's just a different coping mechanism. So there are women who are hustling for their worth. They're just working, working, working. And if I get to this number and if I get to this amount of sales and then I'll be worthy. And of course that's not cognitive. That's not, you know, that's A very subconscious thing. But a good sign of that is if you accomplish something and you're already thinking about the next goal, if you aren't basking in that success, if you aren't feeling into that and really, really ruminating and enjoying it, you likely are using hustling as a coping mechanism. People pleasing, getting really defensive. If someone you know says something to you or it, and it kind of triggers an inappropriate amount of anger as a response, that's not you. That's not your personality. That's your coping strategy. So we. There's so many of them. Yeah.

I just want to go back to one that you mentioned, because I asked this question in one of the groups the other day, and it was like, hey, when you hit your first million dollars, how are you going to celebrate? And then I asked the bigger group, when you hit a million dollars a month, how are you going to celebrate? And nine times out of the 10, the answer in both of these groups was, I won't. I'll move on to the next goal. So if someone who's listening and they're like, oh, that's me. Because truthfully, that was me before this too. It was always the next thing, the next thing. Like, what is something we can do right now to stop. Stop ourselves, Notice that behavior and that belief system and find a way to redirect that.

So one of the ways, one of the only ways to change your belief system is by creating evidence to the contrary. So if we keep thinking we have to achieve in order to be loved or in order to be worthy, we're just going to keep going, right? We're just going to keep hamster wheeling it and we're never going to feel it if you. And it sounds really stupid, but if you just make the tiniest little goals, things that you know you're going to accomplish something that you're just like, so dumb. I want to sell 70 these shirts. And you hit the goal. Go celebrate. Throw some confetti, pop some champagne. Really. And it's not about the action as much as it is the feeling. How do I want to feel? And allow yourself to feel celebratory in that moment. Like, oh, this feels so good. I said I was going to do this and I did it. And when you do that, you create this feeling over and over and over again. And then you crave that feeling. And so when you get to that big, juicy goal that most people would, you know, especially new boutique owners, they're like a million a month. What? You know, that's crazy. Right. Like, when you get to this big, juicy goal, you're already in the spirit and in the feeling of celebration. And so you're going to see stop and be proud of yourself because you have this history of celebrating all of these other milestones. But if you just wait until you feel like you have something big enough to celebrate, well, that's just not big enough. Who cares if I beat last year's sales numbers? I wanted this other thing, right? No, you beat last year's sales numbers for March, then you should be celebrating, period. Yeah. Oh, you made it through the pandemic. Let's celebrate. You know, people spend their stimulus check on you. You got. You got an amazing testimonial. Celebrate because you get in that spirit of celebration, and it's a feeling that you will want and you will create and you will live in over and over and over.

This is so helpful because I think we subconsciously say, I'll be happy when, like, we're always prolonging happiness. And then we always wonder, like, why am I so unhappy? Why am I depressed? Why do I have these, you know, anxious feelings?

And.

And we have to figure out triggers, which is like the word I. When you're saying all of this, I hear the word trigger. That helps snap us into that moment of gratitude that can be every single day. One time you told me, make a smell trigger.

Like, what's a.

You want to smell? Maybe it's an essential oil or something that triggers, like, oh, you know, like, take a deep breath and breathe it in and like, it's a celebration so that we can seek it more often.

Yeah. Making that imprint, the scent. I mean, scent is tied to memory. It's one of the strongest senses tied to memory. So if you have a favorite perfume or you, you know, you want to bust it out for celebration, take a good inhale and sit in that feeling. Let that feeling of joy that I just did this, Feel it in your body. You're just going to start to feel that more and more.

How could someone start to, like, uncover more of the belief systems that maybe they need to investigate? Is it journaling? Is it some reflection? Or like, what's a simple exercise where we could get out of up here and in down here and uncover where some of these pain points are coming from?

So one, one way to get connected to your body, because you're not, if you think about it, if you're trying to use your brain to figure out what's on, going, going on, it's. You're not. It's you're gonna go in circles. You're gonna think it's one thing when it's really another. So I suggest taking several deep breaths and just allowing everything to quiet down. This doesn't mean that you can't think at all. It just means let's just settle in. What does that feel like, to just settle into your body and listen. And sometimes, you know, if you do that when you're triggered, and I don't mean triggered by something like, you know, from trauma, I mean, it could be. But even just seeing another woman's success, if you feel it, a tinge of jealousy, you know, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself, where is this coming from? Why do I feel this? A lot of. A lot of the reasons why we're triggered by other women, especially our women, are catty, is because they see something. Women are mirrors for each other. Right. So if I look at you and I see you as this super successful person and I don't feel like I can do it too, then I'm going to be a little resentful at you and you're going to trigger me. And if I see something in you and I don't like your personality or if she's the one that maybe there's something in me I need to look at.

Right?

Because you're just a reflection. It's not about you, it's about me. And so I think a lot of us get stuck on other people and being triggered by someone else, and we just write that person off. When in reality, our reaction to that person speaks so many more volumes. And so just taking a few deep breaths and asking yourself, where is this feeling coming from? Why am I feeling this way instead of trying to get rid of it, instead of trying to push it away? I don't want to feel that way. That's ugly. I don't want to feel that way. I'm positive. Just like emotions or stress I see all the time. How can I get rid of stress? How do I get rid of stress? I need to get rid of stress. Well, maybe you need to ask for that. What that stress is trying to tell you instead of just trying to get rid of it and not feel it, because it's going to come right back.

I hear you saying about the mirror. I gotta go back to this for a second. Yeah, we're talking about the mirror. Women are mirrors. How really, when we're being triggered by someone else, it's a reflection of us. I just want to spin that for a second and remind people that are Dealing with maybe negativity in their life or someone bringing hate to you. You and I have always talked about how hurt people hurt people. Like that's a real thing. When someone's coming at you, you've got to find ways to deflect it because it's not about you, it's always about them and why they're bringing this to you. I mean, granted, there's always a little self exploration of someone's repeat, repeatedly bringing you the same constructive criticism. That's a thing. But it's a good, good reason not to take everything to heart too.

Yeah. And you can absolutely tell, you know, if someone is just, it just seems like they're just being outwardly nasty with you and, and it doesn't really feel like I said, appropriate for like the current situation. Yeah. You know, maybe just take a deep breath and be like, this is, this is a them thing and there's something really going on with them that they probably need to deal with. And that's why they feel like they need to lash out at me. It doesn't give them a pass. You're not giving them a pass because, you know, we need to be responsible for ourselves and our emotions and how we handle ourselves, but just kind of having that knowing of where, you know, I'm probably coming from a hurt place, you know, it gives you a little bit more compassion and then you're able to like take it in yourself a little bit easier as opposed to, to really taking someone, you know, attacking you, like very personally.

Yeah, that's good advice. I go back to this idea of as we were talking about being up here, like there's such a different person up here versus down here. And I feel like when I'm hustling, you know, I'll go to the chiropractor, I'll go get a massage or something. And they're like your shoulders are like rocks. Because all day I'm in this position and I'm like as fast as I can versus just connecting to center and just being fully present and just like embodying the space in the moment that I'm in. Can you help explain that to people? I feel like sometimes that sounds so woo woo, but like these two things are so different.

Yeah. Yeah. I think when, you know, we all have a central channel and that sounds woo woo too, but it's really just our center. It's our state of being. It's just like being comfortable in our bodies. And honestly, a lot of people don't feel safe in their bodies or they don't feel comfortable. Our brain wants to bypass that. Our brain wants to keep us safe. And it sees emotions as being unsafe and so we generally don't want to feel them. So that person up in our heads, you know, that's a very chaotic kind of buzzy place. And we're disconnected, we're floating away. Right. We don't want to be here and be in the present moment because sometimes the present moment is just too painful. We don't want to be here. But when we allow ourselves to settle in, even feeling those uncomfortable emotions almost feels a little settling to us. When we allow it to happen. We acknowledge the resistance to being here and just kind of chilling a little bit and allowing ourselves to settled. But that space up in between our ears, you know, it's. It's like a cab driver that says he knows a shortcut and they're just taking you for a ride. That's your brain. Your brain is. It's going to try to keep you safe. It's going to talk you out of everything. Tell you something's too expensive, you're not good enough, you failed last time. Like, you know, you suck if you're really got some stuff going on in there. Whereas like, your body knows the truth, your intuition is the truth. And the more you connect to yourself and your body, the louder your intuition gets. It's kind of that intuition versus like the structured kind of mind, this chaotic mind. Yeah.

You and I had a conversation recently about escapes. And I know you mentioned this briefly a minute ago about how some people work out to escape or some people emotional eat. Some people drink. I'll just bring up drinking. Cause I know this is something you and I have talked about. I love a good glass of wine or beer. And I brought this to you and I was like, you know, there's a part of me that says, oh, is this a problem? Like should I not be enjoying this? Or like I started to battle my head and we had a conversation around what's healthy and what's unhealthy when it comes to escape. Can you elaborate on. I don't care if you use me as an example, because I know I'm not the only one that process.

Yeah. So we, we talked about that, like the, the drinking. And you had this kind of like idea like I should just. I should just quit drinking for a while. I just gotta stop doing it. And I think a lot of people do that. They see, they start to see something not be the way that they want to cope with stress or with Life or whatever. And they immediately are just like, okay, let me just shut it down, you know, oh, this is a trigger food. Let me keep it out of my house. And it's just, this person's toxic. I gotta cut them out. But really, it's. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a glass or two of wine after a long day. It's about the intention. And that's what we talked about, is the intention. So if you are having a super stressed day and you're like, I just need to drink some wine so I can feel better, you know, the intention there is not really helpful and it's not really healthy for you. But if you just want to sit and have a glass or two of wine and relax and you're enjoying yourself and you're present in your body, huge difference. All about the intention. Are you hitting the gym because you like the way you feel and it just makes you feel good and you like the endorphins and you feel good in your body, or are you hitting the gym because you just, like, are so stressed out you need to blow up some sleep? And it doesn't mean you're bad if you do one of those things. It's just more about that awareness of it. Like, why am I doing this? What's my intention here? And then just like practicing that intentionality and just whatever it is that you do.

I see that example even as I'm going to the gym because I hate my body. Like, it's a negative reason. How do you cope with that and like, find a reason to. To go to the gym because you love your body or you want to love your body.

Yeah. And so that, I mean, and that's a deep. That's a deep belief that's in there. Most people who have issues with food and body or overeating and emotionally eating disordered, eating under, eating stress, eating whatever and working out, not wanting to work out, hating working out. It's really because there's just like some deep stuff in there. And usually it's a safety, certainty, there's a need being met that the, the gym or whatever kind of meets. And hating our bodies is rooted so deep. I mean, so deep. Sometimes it can be about control. You know, we. This is the only thing I control. So that's why, you know, people with eating disorders, you see that their food is the only thing that they really have. They feel like they have control of growing up, and so then they really hyper focus on that and it becomes very destructive for them. Food in general, the issue's not the food. The issue is not your body because you can look exactly the same. How many times have we said, looking back at a past version of ourselves, right, that we looked all super skinny and amazing and said, oh, I wish I was that skinny. I wish I. When I thought I was fat or, you know, and it's like, yeah, you weren't happy then because you weren't happy. Yeah. But we take it out on our bodies. So I don't really think anyone necessarily truly hates their body. I think that they just take out their internal feelings on their body because it's easy. Yeah, that's external.

You people have asked me like, oh, you know, what did you work on? Or, you know, like, what is this? Like? And sometimes I try to explain the process and then other times I'm like, ah, just skip it because it's just not gonna make any sense to you. But if I can tell people this one thing. The very first time you and I met, I. I remember what we were talking about and you, like, took me back. Like, I kind of meditated a little bit and you asked me some questions that took me back to a place that made me very emotional. Like, I cried. I cried so hard I couldn't even tell you. Thank you on the call, like, it was that much. And I was like, what did she just do to me?

Oh, yeah, what did you just do?

You triggered some shit that I didn't know was there. So you, If I can explain this, if anyone is still, like, I don't get it. You have a way of, like, helping us to take ourselves back to a moment in time, time of something that happened to us as a child, a conversation we had with a parent, or like, where a belief originated from somewhere in our past life that some. It comes to you so fast in the moment when you ask these questions and I'm just like, oh, I know exactly what happened. And then all of a sudden it's like this unraveling of why did this happen and what should I really feel about it and how do I feel about it now and how can I rebuild this? It's fascinating to me how well this works. And now when I have behaviors that come up, you know, our thoughts that come up, I can assign them to 14 year old Ashley in a heartbeat. And I'm at peace with that. Tell me more about this process.

Yeah, I guess, like, I know it's like, it's hard to explain. People ask and I'm like, so really my process is getting you into your body and so sometimes that's through, like a guided sort of meditation. And just getting you to feel into yourself, breathe deeply, triggers your parasympathetic nervous system, which slows everything down, lets you know we're safe. And I ask clarifying questions. There's no suggestion here. It's more of, I'm not asking you. I'm not asking you Ashley's brain. I'm asking your body. And we all have sensations and feelings in our body. Body. Like that. That quickening of your heart when you get an email or a troll comments on your post. Right. Or, you know, someone's mean to you and you just feel it. Or your heart sinks and our bodies are talking to us all of the time. And so what I am doing is I am asking those parts and pieces of your body questions. Because what's buried in there is a inner child or a past version of you, you, that still is. Your body's still carrying that pain, even though your brain has told you we're over it. I'm over it. It's not a thing anymore. You know, and it could. It could be as simple as some boy in the second grade said something mean to you. Yeah. And of course, you know, at your age now, you're like, why would I ever care about that? But there's a piece in your body that is holding onto it, and it's amazing, just like you said, you know, asking a question. And you can immediately snap. Snap it to an earlier version of you. Whereas if you were trying to think in your head, you'd likely not maybe not even remember what we're talking about.

It's so true, and it seems so elementary, right. That these things happen and why does it matter? But it does. And I feel like maybe you've said this, or someone I've listened to on this topic has said, your body doesn't know the difference between past, present, and future.

Yeah, that's me. Okay, great.

Thank you. Thanks for filling that in. So our body, no matter what, even though it's a memory, our body can't tell time. So we just want to avoid the emotion altogether. We just don't want to go there. Even though it's in the past, we still feel pain as if we were living in that present moment. It's fascinating.

Yes. And we can also feel pleasure and joy, even if it doesn't exist in our life. And that's. That's the flip side of that coin. And I think you and I, we did an exercise in that. It was, how do you want to feel? How do you want to feel? Let's bring that into your body now, today, in this moment, because we can. And getting that feeling in your body is just as easy as recalling a memory that maybe was something terrible. And that puts another feeling in your body. We have that power.

I think that is so underutilized when I think about building a vision board, right? Part of the act is, you know, building the board, having the visualization, like seeing the daily reminder. But the other thing that most people miss is actually putting yourself, acting as if. Like acting as if is a real thing, and putting yourself in the moment of how do I want to feel when I accomplish that or someone speaks that into existence or I go on that trip or like, whatever it is, and putting yourself there before it happens, because then your body recognizes it as a truth.

Yes, yes. And that's the different. Like, you know, people are like, on a vision board, whatever. If I put it on there and it doesn't. Never happens. And it's not about just looking at it and seeing it and noticing it in your brain. It's about, like you said, experiencing it and manifesting something is, how do I want to feel when I get this thing, when I have this thing, or when I get to where I want to be? Putting that feeling in your body and then operating from that place. It's about taking aligned action. But when we operate from scarcity and we operate from hustle, we do that in our head. And so we're not always going to make the right decision because we're weighing the pros and the cause and the this and the that. Whereas when we're taking aligned action, we're listening to our inner truth and our intuition. And it's going to work out exactly. Maybe not the how we thought it would, but it works out. And we get what we want and what we desire.

Yeah. That's so good. I. Sometimes Eric and I have had people over for dinner, right? And we have a glass of wine, and then at the end, people are like, is that a vision board? Like, what? What is that? And Eric and I both will just go on a super tangent because he has vision boards, too, and is into all of this just like I am. And we try to explain it, but then people from a logical place, like you're saying, they're like, like, I don't get it. You know, why would I put that boat on my vision board if I don't know how I'm going to get it? But that's not the point at all. It's the belief that it's possible for you.

Yes.

That you're going to be able to achieve that, whatever that is. And then you're, you know, it's just like saying the words I can't afford it versus using the words, how can I afford it? And now we kind of create space to be creative and to allow that to happen. It's not about having the answer, it's about asking the question.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Love this topic. So a lot of the women in the hub or in our industry are hustlers and high achievers. They're hustling for their worth, which we have now identified as a, that's an issue. Right. We can't hustle for our worth. And they're a lot of times hustling up here in this space, which is more masculine versus being more feminine. You and I, again, we had a whole conversation around masculine and feminine. I would love if you could kind of explain the difference that a lot of high achieving women run into in the differences in the masculine and feminine and how can we utilize both?

Yeah, so a lot of people think masculine and feminine means male, female, but we're talking energetically and there are very specific gifts of living in the, in the masculine gift and living in the feminine gifts. And then there's a distortion of that. So generally this, the distortion of the masculine is that hustle. It's that I can do it all myself, I don't need any help. And you know, it's very closed off. It's a little, it can be angry, it can be resentful and it's a, it's a very hard hitting sort of feeling energy. Whereas on the other side, the healthy side of the masculine is rooted. And yeah, it's, it's strong and it's grounded and it may be a little bit more, I don't want to say aggressive, but you know, you work hard but it's not, I gotta keep going here, I gotta do this for my work. Whereas the feminine is more flowy. It's, it's grounded in a different way. It's, it's, I feel like move my body when I, when I talk about it. But the feminine gift is this beautiful, just kind of embodiment. It's, you can just feel it. Whereas the feminine distortion, I think a lot of women, especially women in this industry and that are hustling have cut off the feminine energy and so they're living in this imbalance. We're really hyper, hyper masculine in our energy, in our energetic space and we're almost afraid of feminine energy, and we're almost afraid of, you know, and sexuality or whatever and just, like, feeling good in your body and allowing that. So I think that a lot of the times it can come, and this is a whole nother long, deep topic, but generally, you know, a distortion in the feminine can be that passive aggressive, that manipulation that, you know, it's kind of an underlying thing. And that usually comes from mother wounding. And just like the masculine, the distortion of the masculine comes generally from father wounding. So it's, you know, if there's a parent that you craved the most love from and you didn't get your needs met with that, that parent, you're gonna fuel one of these. You know, your energy is going to be off, and you're probably going to dip to whichever side that is.

That's so helpful. I. The more I've had this conversation with you, the more I recognize how this works in my own life. I mean, granted, there's a lot of different tangents we could go down, but I think about the need to be creative, being a business owner. And I talk about this a lot in Bootcamp. Like, there's right brain, left brain, there's the social media, customer service, the fashion, the buying. Like, it's all very creative. And then there's the analytical and the numbers and all these things. It's just like masculine and feminine. I feel like we have to have both in order to grow and be aware of both in order to grow.

We need to have fun. We need to, like, allow ourselves to have fun. And that's a lot of, you know, the work and, like, noticing that there's, you know, maybe an inner child or something, a hurt part of you that happened when you were 6 or 12 or whatever. That little girl that needs to have fun and needs to be playful. We need to play. The more we play and the more we have fun, the more space we have for the analytical and the other stuff without feeling burnt out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So a lot of women are hustling in the hub and maybe not showing up for themselves the way that they. They should. What do you think that means? That mind, body, you know, and just being able to show up and nourish yourself. What kind of practices can we put into play to take care of ourselves better?

So I. I think that one of the biggest problems with that is that it's almost like we're juggling, right. And if we stop for a moment to readjust, it'll. It's all just going to fall apart. I Think that we all know you can't fill from, you can't pour from an empty cup. That's say that all the time. I don't think you should be pouring from a full cup either. I don't think you should be pouring out your cup ever. I think you should be overflowing your cup first. Always. That's terrifying. That's terrifying because, oh no, if I give to myself, then my business is going to suffer, my family's going to suffer. What happens is when you are overflowing your cup, everyone gets from the overflow. They're getting more of you and there's more of you to give. There's such a spaciousness there that you have for more, more people when you're giving to yourself. And that's not squeezing in a pedicure or a bubble bath into your busy schedule. That's not what it is. It's waking up every day and asking yourself, what do I need today? What do I need today? How could I experience more joy today? What can I do for myself in that space? And when you start waking up and asking yourself that question and then fulfilling that, you grow the capacity for your business, for others. And you start operating from a place of being centered and balanced as opposed from hustling because you think you're going to get that whatever it is you need or that joy from the work and you're not.

That's so good. I, I think like when I hear the words ease and abundance, right? Be like, I want some ease and abundance.

Where's that stuff come from? But I don't.

I mean as woo and wild as this sounds, it comes from that question. It comes from not thinking I need to hustle and thinking I need to do my to do list and thinking maybe I should hire, but I'm scared to because what if I fail? Which means maybe I won't be worthy and maybe someone won't love me. Right? It's all this like down this rabbit hole that we chase, but it's waking up and asking that question and knowing what we need. It's thinking versus knowing. And that's in us. It's there. We know what the answer is. We just, we're scared of failing. So we don't act on what we know.

Yeah, it gets to be easy. And no one, it's a hard concept, I think, to grasp. But even just I was in the midst of doing this work myself last year and we had like record breaking sales months and I was sitting here like, I'm not, I'M not even doing. I'm what? Like, I was not doing more, I was doing less. But my energy was different. I was in alignment. I wasn't making these decisions out of fear or scarcity or I have to do this or how do I. I was just like, yeah, we're going to do this. All right, cool. And if something didn't work or we had a bad sales day, I was like, I wasn't attached to the outcome. I was just kind of grateful for the process and it was insane. I'm looking at our sales numbers and I'm just like, what? This is against every. I am not tired, I am not burnt out. But normally I like, felt like I was like killing myself for, like mediocre sales in the past. And it was just really baffling, but also very eye opening to me. It does. It gets to be easy. Yeah, it's contagious too.

Like I, I told you, I noticed your energy as you were going through that. Your staff notices that energy. Your spouse notices that energy. We are responsible for the energy we bring into the room, right? Every day we're responsible for it. We give it to others. And it's, it's just like the law of attraction, right? The more that you focus on something, the more you're going to find or receive, receive those things and where they're noticeable to you. And the same is true with energy. The more you are, I think, attached to that energy or giving that energy, the more you're going to receive it back wholeheartedly.

Yeah, it's kind of like that. You know, if you were single and dating, right? And, and you're not interested in dating and all of a sudden all these guys come out of the woodwork, or you just start dating someone you really like and all of these guys start crawling out. They're like, she's happy, I can tell. You know, they can see like miles away. But there's also that when you're like, kind of desperate and you really want to. I really want a boyfriend and I just want to be loved and like, everyone is repelled by you because you're just like trying to force something and when you're not forcing it and you're just kind of like, yeah, you know what? I'm happy, I'm happy with me and everything's good. It's like everyone's attracted to you and it works in business also. Yeah.

Eric always says. I just think this quote is so funny. Eric always says, desperation is a stinky cologne. And it is. And you can smell it a while mile away. That's why no one likes used car salesmen. It's the same concept.

Yeah.

I mean, and.

And you know, if you notice you're marking down, you're just, I gotta get. I gotta get a sale. I gotta get sales. Who do I drop my prices? Like, what do I need to do? Do I have to go live every single minute of every single day? And it's like, they can. Your customers can smell that they can. And if you're just kind of like, you know what? I am providing an amazing service. I provide amazing customer service. My products are top quality, and I'm showing them to you with confidence. And I love everything I have on my body. They're like, I don't. I'll pay whatever for it.

I want what she's got.

It's the girl that walks in the room.

You know, everyone knows someone that when they walk in a room, they captivate the whole room like they own the space. It's not what they're wearing. It's nothing they've said. It is their energy. It is. It's the person they are being. And all of us can be that.

All of us. We all. I mean, it's so cliche, but, like, we all have gifts. We all are special. And if you think you are so special that you're not as special as everyone else, like, think about that. Like, if you. If there are so many women out there living their dreams and you don't think that's possible for you, it's almost like arrogant to think that you're so special that it's not possible for you.

Oh, I like that. Write that down. That's so good. Okay, so Crystal, everyone's listening and they're like, okay, what do I do tomorrow? I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and what do I need to do to start going, going down this path? I want to feel the way you are telling me is possible for me to feel.

Ask it like, I'm just going to walk it back. Ask yourself, how can I love you more? What do you need? What. What do I need today? What will bring me joy? True joy, not external validation. And what can I do for me that will bring me joy today or in this moment? That. That right there, A game changer. Even if you don't believe that you deserve it. Maybe there's some ingrained belief there. Asking yourself the question. You'll be surprised if you quiet down your mind and you ask yourself the question, the answers that you'll get.

So good all right. I always ask this question at the end of the podcast. You probably know this is coming question. But now since I've known you, you've, you are a boutique owner. You do and have done nutrition coaching. You are an influencer. You have like all these things happening. You have this amazing self love coaching business. All this going on. Fast forward 30 years from now and you're looking back on all of these things and the lives that you've touched, touched and things that you've done. What is the thing you want people to remember the most about you?

Just how I made them feel and I made them feel seen. I think that that's such a gift that so many people don't feel. That's what in 30 years from now, I'm going to be counting the impact, not my dollars. Yeah, yeah.

So good. Crystal, you have been such a light on this podcast. Thank you a million.

Welcome. So welcome. I adore you.

Well, the feeling is mutual. I can't wait to, you know, do some Tupac again soon. Driving down a black Suburban on Hollywood Boulevard. The whitest girls there. I don't know what you were thinking, but it was fun. So I will link up everything in the show notes if anyone wants to get in touch with you, we will definitely have it. There you are inside of the hub. You are a real og, but I'm sending you all kinds of love because I do appreciate you and I cannot wait to see the lives that you touch.

Yes. Thank you so much.

Hey, thanks for listening this week, you guys. I hope you loved this episode with Crystal. It has been one of my absolute favorites so far. Now, as Crystal mentioned, she's already been through retail boot camp and she's been to the Boutique Summit. So this week I am so excited, excited to tell you that the Boutique Summit is just around the corner. We are so excited to finally bring this back in 2021 after having to cancel our 2020 Boutique Summit, the biggest industry gathering for boutique owners anywhere in the world. This year we are coming to you live in person in Atlanta on August 2nd with a full day of live digital workshops and breakout sessions on Virtual on August 17th. So we've got a bit of a hybrid model so you can catch a full day of in person Boutique Summit action. Plus go home and digest all of the niche breakouts and workshops on August 17th. Hey, tickets are going to go on sale on May 4th. You are not going to want to miss this because they will go fast due to Covid restrictions this year. Our space is limited so check out the show notes to get on our wait list, our first to know list, so you can access some of the limited tickets that we have to this year's event, plus hear all the details about the speakers that are coming your way. I cannot wait to see you guys in person. If you plan to join us for the 2021 Boutique Summit, Mark your calendars and get ready right now. Hey guys, thank you so much for listening to this episode. We hope that you loved it. Don't forget to hit subscribe and leave comment. A rating and review down below for a chance to be one of our featured listeners each and every week. For more information on our spirit of community over competition and how to access complete show notes and bonus downloads from our guests, head on over to the boutiquehub.com and join the community. We'll see you next week.

Sam.