Do First Impressions Really Matter?

Yes, you are. Okay, welcome everybody. I am super excited to introduce you all to Heshy, my dear friend Heshy. She is a speaker, a trainer, an author, a columnist, a radio show and TV host. Yay! Been twice featured in Inc. magazine, has written for dozens of papers and magazines, appeared on hundreds of stages, and has been featured in 7 magazine covers. Wow, you rock it, girlfriend. She is the founder. She is the founder of Kids Better World, a nonprofit committed to providing basic human needs to all children. And as an environmentalist, provides portable water, uh, filtration systems to kids around the world, as well as special tablets to be used in cars to significantly reduce carbon emissions. You are a superstar, Heshy. Welcome.

Thank you, and I hope you learned something that you might not have known before.

I did. I learned something every single day. We are here today to talk about first impressions, um, specifically as business owners. We're always making an impression. Is it the right one? So Heshi, before we really dive super deep into this topic, I was wondering, um, what do you think outweighs everything else in making a first impression?

I have learned over time that it's really all about being you, about being authentic, about being real, and not being a carbon copy of someone else because That doesn't work. So just be yourself. And if you've got some flaws or something that you wanna get out of you, I usually say something at the very beginning of anything I'm doing and I let people know. So there won't be any questions. 'Cause you know, when you, when someone does something and you have a question about it, just stays with you the whole time they're talking. So I like to get it out of the way. Right away. So just be real because everybody appreciates real.

We all appreciate real. And if there's an elephant in the room, I— you're right, it needs to be addressed right away.

Oh, Dotty, I've got to tell you something. This is so cute because I have an elephant at the top of my computer. I mean, I put it there all the time so that I— I guess I collect elephants.

Well, they are adorable.

They are. Oh, and this one's very adorable.

So can you tell me, are first impressions truly lasting impressions?

Um, you know, it depends on the situation. If you're going for a job interview, you don't have very much time to make a first or a lasting impression, but if you can knock it out of the ballpark park right away, then yes, it, it, it can be a lasting impression because you'll probably be hired. If you're going to a meeting or you're going to, you know, get together with new people that you don't yet know, um, it— you could say it's lasting. It may last for 7 seconds, it may last for a couple of days, it may last for a couple of weeks. It's all what you do in who you're being as to whether that impression will last. Because even if you make a mistake, it just doesn't matter if you're being you, and especially if you can laugh it off.

Boy, we've done a lot of that over the last few years.

Yes, we have.

I am kind of an old-fashioned kind of person in the sense that I often make agreements on just a handshake. Um, so is a handshake and a smile something that really truly can seal the deal?

Um, well, because of the situation we're in with a handshake, I can tell you that you may not be able to seal the deal, at least at this point. The average person, if they have— I, I want to be with, and I want to relate with, and I wanna, I just, I wanna work with the person where a handshake, I know from knowing you that a handshake would be sufficient. I have learned in the last couple of years that it is always not sufficient. So you, because there's so much scamming going on, you really have to be careful with that. But let's say you are in person, The couple things that I would mention is that if you crush someone's hand, it's definitely going to seal the deal in the wrong way. Because people use their hands, some of them, uh, for a living. So you would want to be really careful about that kind of thing. If someone is just, um, let's say they just touch the tips of your fingertips and they think that's a handshake, no, that, that will only seal the deal in a negative way. So So that won't work. But the smile, the smile is different. Smile is universal. People, people really respond to a smile. Just remember that there's an authentic smile and there's that smile that just is so fake that you know it's fake. And it takes a lot of work to make a fake smile. Look good. But you know, those are two of the most important things. So most of the time it could seal a deal, but there are always exceptions.

Perfect. I do want to mention we've got some, some of your friends here with us today, Heshy. It looks like Choi— I'm not sure if I pronounced that right— is here, as well as Jane and Lorenzo. So welcome. And if you have any questions that you want me to ask Heshy, please put them in the comments on Facebook and I will read them over so that she can see that. So welcome everybody. Heshy, back to first impressions. So, you know, I know that sometimes I make mistakes when I first meet people, and I know that sometimes my first impression isn't actually the best. So can you give some examples of things that maybe aren't really in our control that might happen, you know?

Yeah, the, the thing that, that I find difficult is being with people who make that judgment in such a way that it is so firm that it just can't be changed. And I feel badly about someone who might be born with a deformity or someone who's got a facial scar or a scar on some other part of their body. They're just things that, you know, we can't control our height. I mean, I think in the olden days there were some people that controlled their height and controlled the size of their feet by wrapping them, but that's not generally the thing. We can control our weight For the most part, my life coach is totally awesome. I've watched her go up and down in weight, and I love her no matter what weight she is, what size. It doesn't make any difference to me. When you get to know someone, that's great. But in the beginning, for those people who are really judgmental, my suggestion is wait and look beyond what you're seeing now, because people make different things work for them, and we won't know what they are if we don't give them a chance. So those are things that we may not be able to control, but we can control how we feel about ourselves. So if we can accept who we are and our uniqueness and our marvelous way of being, then it doesn't matter really what other people think.

So how do you— for, for those of us that, um, are, are maybe self-conscious or, or we're introverts and we just really don't like to like go to those big events and mix and mingle with people, do you have suggestions on how we can handle getting into even, even making the step of getting to make a first impression?

Yeah, that's a really good question. When, when you're brand new to a situation, actually, I'm going to go back. I have this, uh, young man that I was working with and he was terrified to speak to people. He just didn't want to do anything. And I said, I want you to go to another— and I, and other people have tried this and it works. Go someplace where you don't know anyone. You're never going to see them again. And just play. Be playful because that works. And then go to the places of importance. I think when you go, I learned to say, walk up to people, and I know it's hard because it was hard for me. I'd walk up to someone and I'd say, You know, I'm new here. This is my first time, and I have no idea what to expect. Can you help me out by like telling me who's who in the room, or what people do during this meeting and the get-together, what's appropriate, what's not? And it gives them a feeling of importance because you've actually asked them for help. And that person will probably take you around and introduce you. And if they don't, ask them to. And there's no shame in that, because when you say, "I'm new," most people will say, "Well, let me introduce you to a few people." I do that if someone says, "I'm new," or if I go to an event and I've, I have, I've not seen that person before, I actually walk up to them and say, Are you new? And it just breaks the ice. So we might need to look out of our own comfort zone and greet people and do things we wouldn't ordinarily do. And I know that for an introvert, that's really hard. And if I were an introvert, and, and people will never believe me when I say I'm an introvert, I am an introvert. When I am unfamiliar with the conversation, with the topic, with the people. And otherwise, I've learned to be an extrovert, but we all go through this. And if you've got a problem, turn to a friend, turn to me, um, and ask questions because someone will be out there to give you an answer and they will appreciate you for it.

Perfect. And I do wanna say that Lori is here as well as Kim and Tanya. They are all cheering you on, supporting you, Hashi, so that's wonderful.

My husband—

yes, if any of you have questions, just go ahead and type it into the comments on the Facebook group and I will go ahead and read them for her. So perfect. So let's move on. Um, I do want to say what you mentioned just now really resonated with me because one of the tricks that that I used to do is I used to go to these events with a friend, and I would have that friend introduce me to the people she knew, and then she would introduce me to the people that she knew that I didn't. Other way around, I would introduce her to the people that I knew. So, so we were both, um, taking advantage of somebody showing you around the room, just like you described. It works really, really well.

And I call that the buddy system. I go to an event with someone and we plan on what we're going to do ahead of time. So we both go in opposite directions because the mistake people make when they go to an event or even when they're on Zoom is just to talk to the same people all the time. So it's time to make new friends and we go around the room and We find people and say, you know, I'm looking for someone for a friend of mine who needs to have an introduction to the CEO of a company or whatever it happens to be. And I said, do you know anyone here who might be able to do that for her? And if they say yes, I said, could, could you make that introduction for me? And then If it's okay with you, I'll introduce her or him to the other person. And it really, it works because both of you are working for the other. And when you go with a group of people, there's always someone you're going to find that you can help.

Perfect. I love, love, love that suggestion.

Could I go back to something that I didn't mention earlier?

Sure.

It bothers me if I, if I leave something out that I want to. Um, when you ask me whether, you know, if there's things that we— that are beyond our control because of the way our country and some other countries around the world are behaving in the moment, I just want to say that our religion, the color of our skin, our gender— these are something that for the most part we can't control. So I think, and this is a personal opinion, I feel that I want to meet people who don't look like me, who don't, uh, have the same social circle, who have different education, educational backgrounds. So I just wanted to say that even though we can't control it, we can feel good about ourselves and we can project that Or we can go up to someone and, and just start speaking to them so that we actually make other people feel good. I promise you that person will remember you forever. I know I've had it. I teach it. I've had people do this and it just works like a charm. So I didn't want to leave that out because, you know, I teach diversity. I've got friends of Every persuasion, and it has just been a game changer for me. So thank you for letting me go back and pick something up that I forgot to say earlier.

You are welcome. And I will say, in my experience, that if you are, um, talking with and meeting people that are not like you, that you're broadening your horizons and you're learning things about other people that you would have never known had you not gone up and striked up that conversation.

Yes, absolutely. And it enriches all of us when we do that.

Most certainly it does. Do you have any suggestions at all about making a first impression when we're pretty much online now? I mean, we've been talking about in-person. Yeah, a lot of times people just aren't doing in-person stuff anymore.

I'm one of them, and I thought I would never be able to handle making friends and building relationships online, and I love it because you have to be present for all of that when you're online. I think it's particularly important to— if you've got your picture on, and if you have your picture on, for the most part it means you're really paying attention. If you don't have your picture on, you are either doing something in the background, you might be having a bad hair day, you might not feel like getting out of your pajamas. But online, pay attention. Look for people that you would like to meet that you may not know and send them a message. I do that a lot when I'm looking around a Zoom room. Um, I, I find someone who's just— it's not that they just smile, but they've got a smiling personality. I actually send them a private message and I just say, I love your smile. I would love to get to know you more. Would you be open to that? And I've never had anyone say no. So there are things that you could do when If you want to be noticed online, speak up, say something, be part of the conversation. Don't just sit back because people might just notice that you sit back. So there are ways. And I, I have, um, several people that I've met online who've become really good friends. And one day my now daughter Tanya was, was online and she was speaking. We were on an event and both my husband Werner and I reached out to her without knowing who she even was. We both just wanted to know more and see how we could help her. And it was funny when we came down and said we had both reached out to Tanya and we just developed this fabulous relationship. And it was from being online. I just wanted to help her. Werner wanted to help her. And we just one day decided that we were going to adopt each other. And so it's an absolute joy. So if you look into people's faces and you watch their body language and you think about what they're saying when they say it, or what they're not saying because they don't think they have anything to say, Reach out and extend your hand and be open to all kinds of possibilities.

And would this Tanya be the fabulous Tanya Brunello who lives in, what, Italy?

Italy. Yes. Yeah, it is.

And would you have ever met her if it wasn't for being online?

Oh, no, no. So I say to people, you can just never tell who you're going to meet online. Look at this, you know, I found a daughter. She found—

she is fabulous, I will say. And she's sending you hearts right now.

She does that all hours of the day and night. I will tell you, when I say it's time to go to bed because she's a 6-hour time difference, she's sending me messages. Honest to goodness, I think she does it in her sleep.

Well, I love the fact that you can now meet people all over the world.

Mm-hmm.

And I, you know, before Zoom, before COVID for that matter, I of course know people live everywhere and people are people and they're pretty much all the same as everywhere, but I've never really had the opportunity until now to really get to know people. That are completely different from myself in the sense that they, they live in other countries, they follow other rules, they have different languages, just a different way of approaching things. And it has helped me expand the way I think and grow. What do you think about that, Hashi?

Oh, I, I think it's like doing your research online. It, it just is amazing. I've, I've said to people on numerous occasions that one of the reasons I love having a diverse network is if I didn't want to Google something, I could just call someone. Um, I remember talking with my friend Shua, who I, I think is there now, and Uh, we were talking about the price of gas, and so I just picked up, you know, I just went on to WhatsApp and I, and I reached out to him and I said, so how much does a liter of gas cost in St. Lucia? I mean, I met him through a Zoom meeting and we became friends, and I just think that he's fabulous and he can tell me things for sure, for real, that I don't have to look up because he lives in a place where I have not been to yet, although I'm threatening to come visit him. Um, so, you know, there's so much we can learn if we reach out and build. It's like having tentacles everywhere, and it works.

And he is sending you love and saying thanks for everything. He is here as well.

Oh, he's so amazing. I just, you know, he's, he's become a really good friend, and I just love his perseverance and everything that he does.

So back to first impressions, um, is there, is there like a, a tried and true method of making that perfect first impression?

Well, we'd like to think that they're tried and true. When you go and you, you're really getting ready to go out or to go online, the first thing that most people will look at, especially if you're in person, will see how you're dressed, what you're wearing, if you're dressed appropriately for the occasion. I remember being at a Chamber of Commerce meeting, and I saw this guy come in, and I knew I knew him, but then it's like, where did I ever meet him? He was, he was a plumber who had come to my home to fix something, and we met through the chamber. But when he showed up in a suit and tie Even though that's appropriate for some people in business, it wasn't appropriate for him. So I, I say represent who you are on and offline. If you're a plumber, then it's okay to dress like a plumber unless you're looking for another job, of course. So that's one thing. So just repeat the question again.

Is there any tried and true methods to just make sure that you make the make a perfect first impression?

Okay. Yes. Um, when you're talking to someone, don't look away. And, and actually, I have a whole lot to do before I even talk to someone. I, um, I, I think that making eye contact, having— well, I'm not going to do a handshake now, but making proper eye contact Um, face people with a smile, that openness. Keep your hands in front of you. Don't hide your hands because people will think you have something to hide. Don't put your hands on your hip. Don't tell off-color jokes. Don't use foul language. Um, those are all the do-nots. Look, I, I remember, um, making a friend because I went to someone who was sitting alone and I saw that she was sitting alone and I just walked over to her and I just said, I hope I'm not intruding, but you're sitting alone. Are you waiting for someone or may I join you? And she said, oh no, this is my first time and I just don't know how to meet people. I started laughing as though you've come to the perfect person. I'm going to, after I get to know you a little, I'm gonna take you around and introduce you to some people. That I think you might like to know. So I, when I go to an event, I, I pretend I'm the host because I can get away with anything if I'm the host. And, and I can, because that's what, that's what the host and hostess does. It's really important.

And that also puts you in the authoritative position, so to speak, so that people are going to remember you as well.

I, I also do something to make myself memorable, and I tell other people to do that as well. So for example, um, I have earrings on now that just sway a little bit. When I was doing coaching, I was the person being coached with someone who was giving me speaking suggestions, tips, how to, how to walk, how to speak, how, how to do a whole bunch of things. And she said, for 2 years, the only thing you can wear is— it will be gold earrings. And you need to wear a brand of clothing that people look at as the ultimate. And if you're wearing anything like that, you will be thought of as someone who's extremely successful. And I did that for 2 years. I always wore gold earrings. I wore this brand of clothing, which I didn't even know about before I started with her. And this was a while ago. Um, she said, you have to wear St. John's. I didn't even know what St. John's was, but when I looked at the price tag and I started shopping, I was mortified, but she gave me my first jacket, so I wore that a whole lot. Um, after, after you achieve your goal, you achieve what you want to do, you've made the impression you want to make, you can go back and do just about anything you want. Because I normally will wear outlandish earrings. I remember, um, the And I've told this story to a number of people because it's so fun.

I was—

it was when I was single and I was dating and we were going out to dinner and the person was introducing me to his father and his then girlfriend, even though they were in their 80s. And he said to me, you're— my father is not going to be able to ask you about your earrings. And I had on asymmetrical earrings, and I love asymmetrical because it's a, it's a, an icebreaker. And his father was sitting there and he was biting his lip. I could watch how uncomfortable he was. Finally, it was about 10-minute mark. He blurted out, do you know your earrings don't match? And I said, oh my gosh, I did that so that I would get you to start talking to me. And he laughed. And from then on, I just always wore asymmetrical earrings, um, when— whenever he was around. So, you know, there's little tricks that you can do that cause people to actually come up to you and ask you a question. For a guy, it's probably not going to be earrings, but But wearing a tie— there was, there was a friend of mine who wore a Mickey Mouse tie everywhere he went, and people came up to him. And he was the CEO of a company, and people came up to him because he allowed it. I mean, he wore that tie that people could just go up and say, wow, I love that tie. Do you want to tell me about it? Or whatever. He, he had all kinds of stories that Ty created for him. But be memorable.

I used to, when I was going to chamber events, there was a person that always attended as well, and he always put his name tag upside down for the same reason, because people would walk up to him and say something about it. So Choi has a question, and I hope I pronounced that right.

It's Chua.

Chua.

Okay. Chua. And it, and you do not want to spell it and dictate into your phone or anyplace else because it comes up with every kind of spelling you could possibly imagine, but it is schwa. Schwa.

He asks, when you're meeting someone of a different culture, how do you go about it?

Oh, great question. So all of us need to know that we behave differently than the person who lives maybe even in the next state, but certainly in another country. And so I do a little research before I go. If I know that, like, I was speaking at the Asian Chamber of Commerce, um, few years back, and I really had to do my research before I went. And I was the only Caucasian that had ever spoken there. And so I had to do not only my homework, but I had to know how to answer someone And someone came up to me and said, you know, we don't have white people speaking to us. And I looked at him and I said, you what? He said, no, we've never had anybody unless they're Asian. I said, well, I hope I'm not disappointing you because I came here to share a lot of information with you. And he said, well, I'll just wait and see. And he was nasty. The whole night until the program was over. And they had a party, and I stayed for the party. And he came up to me and he said, our speakers never stay for the party, they go home as soon as they get finished speaking. And I said, well, that puts me in a different class. Does that make you feel better? He said, yes. Things that we, we have to learn. But back to schwa's, like, the essence of what it is. I, I say to people, you know, I hope that I don't do anything to offend you with what I say or do. And if I do, please let me know, because it's the only way I can learn. And I've had people tell me that I should do this, that, or the other. I just did something the other day with saying something about Singapore and Japan. And, you know, I'm not going to go into what I did, but it was really funny and awkward. And I just had to write back to this person, say, oh my gosh, I think I better know a little bit more about my geography if I plan on traveling there. So, you know, be transparent about making a mistake. Ask people permission. Let them know that you don't know all the rules and regulations and just ask if they'd help you, because they'd be more than happy to help you. All you need to do is ask.

You know, Heshy, that reminds me of a story. I met a person from England in a local networking meeting, and this person could not stop laughing every time someone said my name. And after the meeting, I mean, I was just dying to know what was so funny about my name. And he said, well, in England it means that you're crazy. Like, huh, well, that, that would be funny. It would be. And let me ask you a random question, Hashi.

Wait, can I just say one thing about that? Just, just to add on and then just remember your question because for me, I don't remember questions unless someone reminds me, but I was speaking at an event and it was a training and the audience was, it was, it was a Chinese audience and I don't know how to speak Chinese. I got up in front of the room and there were translators. And I said, so when I say something that's funny, I'm going to smile and raise my hand, and it's time for you to laugh. They laughed the whole time because I just kept raising my hand. There's so many little tricks that you can do and learn things from. You know, I watch other people and I say, well, how did you conquer that? And they tell you. So there's, there's so many little things that you can do, and it's always learning from someone else who has done— excuse me— who's done it before you.

So my question is, you know how when, um, you, you say one thing or two things or three things and you'll hold up fingers?

Mhm.

I want you to however you normally do it, hold up 3 fingers and say something so the video goes back to you.

Ah, okay, I'm holding up 3 fingers, Dotty. What do you want me to do with them?

That tells me you are from the East Coast.

Really?

Yes, I, I have discovered this just simply from watching people on Zoom. People on the West Coast hold up the first 3 fingers. People on the East Coast hold up the last 3 fingers.

Whoa. Okay, so I held up my middle.

You did this, right? With your pinky down?

Or with—

yeah, yeah, your, your first finger down.

Uh-huh.

Like that?

Yeah.

That is East Coast. This— thank you for telling me that.

That's another way to know where someone lives, because culture and where you live and, and the colors you use. In, in New England, people really love orange and greens and just fall colors. And but if you go in the Southwest, It's that teal and pinkish color. And I learned that when, uh, when I submitted a design that I was going to be teaching in the Southwest, and I brought the other pieces, the exact piece in a different color, and I was told that if I had submitted that design in the orangey color, I wouldn't have been accepted.

Huh. So you never know.

You never know. So there's a, you know, there's an extreme— people don't like olive green. Well, if you live in the Northeast and the leaves are changing, you might really love olive green. So there are little things that you need to know. And, and that's a whole other subject because I teach color and design. And I will just tell you quickly, if you are in a red room, you will become irritated, irritable, and anxious to climb the walls and get out of there. So McDonald's, yellow and red, they do that because it gets people out quickly.

I just want to say that Tanya just put in the chat In Italy, they hold up the thumb, the first finger, and the middle finger like this.

Ah, okay.

So apparently the three-finger thing is some cultural thing.

Okay, Tanya and I will have a discussion about that.

That is funny. And one thing I wanted to add on something with the color and the first impression, when I started my business Everybody probably can tell that my favorite color is purple. And so when I was speaking at different associations and networking meetings and chambers, I would always wear something purple. After, I would say, about 2 years, people would come up to me and they would say, "Oh, Dotty, someone else was wearing your color of purple." purple. I'm like, it's just a color. No, they had started to associate purple with me, and some of them were somewhat offended when somebody else tried to do that.

Yeah, because if, if someone likes you a lot, they're going to defend you, and they will resent what other people say and do that is yours, or they, they think is yours. So that's, that's quite true.

And I'd never would have ever thought that anybody would think that The Color of Purple belonged to me.

I think it does.

Well, Heshy, it has been wonderful having this conversation with you. Um, we are— oh, Jane is saying that that's branding. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It really truly is. Uh, I, I was wondering if you had anything that you wanted to— any final words you wanted to leave the audience with, and/or did you have a gift for them?

Both. I, I am— I was waiting to see how much we could accomplish today because I literally have filing cabinets filled with research of what I've done on first impressions. Um, but I do want to be able to give people a checklist of what to look for or how to be. Um, and I will be able to send that out, but I wanted to wait until after today in order to get that prepared. I have something prepared, but I thought, well, maybe something will come up that we didn't cover. And I can tell you, you could ask me questions for months and I would not run out of answers. So we might have to take this to another level. But I, I— there is a point that I want to tell everybody, and it's not, it's not a Zoom thing. I mean, don't be sloppy, you know, make yourself groomed, do, do all the regular things. But the next time you go out, there Things that I tell people all the time, make it known that you are someone who cares about their— I don't know how to put this— cleanliness, their hygiene. Yes. Thank you. Hygiene. So I, I don't go near people that smoke because I get sick from it. And it's, it's offensive to me. And, and I've told people, I actually had a friend of mine who wanted to go to a trade show with me, and I said, and she was going to drive, I said, I can't get into your car. When you stop smoking, um, I'll, I'll go with you. And she stopped smoking and her husband bought her a new car so that she could Drive with me to this trade show. So when you want something badly enough, you know, you've got to do the right things. Watch it. If you're, if you've got bad breath, make sure that you carry mints. And if you do, or you know, someone else has bad breath, you take a mint first and then offer it to them. So they think it's about you and not them. And two other things. Perfume, leave it off. I, you know, I know that people love to wear perfume and, and the market, the perfume market, the fragrance market could probably really be upset with me. I don't care because if you turn someone off, you could turn them off before you could have done business with them. And the other thing is body odor. And sometimes we don't know that we even have body odor. I had someone working for me. I had 3 people at the same time working for me. And 2 of them came to me and said, if she doesn't get washed, we're quitting. And I went to her and told her, and she said, it must be the medicine I'm taking. She had no idea that she had a computer. So do someone a favor. And go up to them if, or unless you're already in conversation, and say, you know, there's such a delicate subject that I want to convey to you, and I'm just not sure I can do it, but if, if you thought that I had something to tell you that could help you, would you want to hear it? And of course people say yes, and I tell them, and it's not easy, but just be aware of who you are, what you're wearing, how you smell, your hygiene, your grooming, um, be aware of how you're being. And then we could go on for hours with that one.

And Jane says one thing that she does is she finds something to compliment and appreciate about people.

Absolutely. And I know she's great at that.

Yep. Well, I thank you for your time. I want to honor everybody else's time. Thank you all