Pandemic Parenting Tips with Rona Renner, RN | B-Well Together | Salesforce

Hello everyone and welcome to our first ever session of Be well together Pandemic parenting where you'll find support and resources to help you navigate the challenges of coronavirus with your kids and family as you navigate through these unprecedented times. I'm Karen Schwarzbach and I will be your host today. I am currently the benefits program manager here at Salesforce, specializing in well being and life stages. In my previous Life, I spent 15 years as an infant and toddler sleep coach as well as a parent coach to families of new twins. So have worked with thousands of families across the globe helping them navigate their new normal and here today to support you in navigating these unprecedented times. I'm so excited this morning to kick off our series with a very dear friend of mine, Nurse Rhona Renner. She's a registered nurse, temperament specialist and parent coach. She's the author of Is that me Yelling? A parent's guide to getting your kids to cooperate without losing your cool. She's currently the host of About Health on KPFA radio and hosted Childhood Matters radio for 10 years. She continues to use her early childhood development knowledge as she cares for her one year old grandson and her other three grandsons during the pandemic. You can learn more about nurse rona@nurserona.com this morning, Rona is going to spend time with us talking about temperament to help you better understand the temperament of not only you, but your child. You can harness that knowledge to create stronger relationships with your families and hopefully save your sanity. There will be definitely time for questions at the end of Rhona's comments, so please post them now in the can't be well chatter group or for our tableau employees. You can use a quipdoc in your calendar invite. So without further ado, it is my honor and privilege and joy to introduce to you my wonderful friend, Nurse Rona. Welcome, Rona.

Thank you, Karen. Thank you so much. We met when I did Childhood Matters radio show. Came on to talk about sleep and we want to make sure to say to everyone, try and get good sleep. Thank you for this. I never thought that I would be talking at a pandemic parenting program. This is something really amazing for all of us. We're all working so hard to do this and to manage how we take care of ourselves while we also take care of our kids. And I think that's the biggest challenge for everyone because you know, Karen, I think of this golden thread that connects us throughout the world. You know, there are people listening from all over the world and the golden thread is that we really, really love our children no matter what else is going on. There's such a deep love that we have. Our circumstances may be different, our culture is different, but basically, we all love our children and we really want to do the best for them. So today I have so much I want to talk to you about, but I'll focus on three things. There's no way to get this right. There's not one way to get this right. We are in a pandemic. We and every family has to figure this out for themselves. You know, in some way, we really are alone. And in other ways, we want to reach out and still have a tribe, still have a community, still have people who are helping us. The other thing I want to talk about is the fact that behavior has meaning, and I'll get into that more. And also looking at understanding your temperament and your child's, because it's that fit between temperaments, and that really either makes the day go well or it causes meltdowns all the time. So let's just start with the idea that there's no right way to do this. I think I want to mention this so that people are very compassionate towards themselves. Take a deep breath. Matter of fact, let's all do this for just three breaths. Some of you have been working all day. Some of you are just starting your work. Let's take three breaths. Starting in your belly. Take breathe in through your nose and breathe out through your mouth. So it's. Now, I usually try and do six, but I figured I shouldn't take up my half hour with just breathing with you. But when you are feeling stressed, when your children are yelling in the background, when you're about to start a meeting or giving a talk to the people at Salesforce, if you're feeling stressed, take those breaths. You know, just in about six seconds, you can reduce your cortisol levels. That fight and flight that we often feel, you know, so much these days. And those breaths will matter. And that's something that you can teach your children because it's an improvisation. We can't get this right. And so many of you are really good at your jobs. You know, you're in a really good company. You've been hired because you're smart and productive. And here you are faced with your own imperfections and really faced with the idea that you have to take care of yourself. You have to do a good job for your work, and you have to stay connected. And if there's anything to take away, also from this talk is the fact that relationships matter. If you're losing it and you're having a hard day, just stop and let your kids know what's going on for you. If we can name it, we can tame it. Daniel Siegel, who's a great psychiatrist, has said this. If you can say to your child, boy, this is a hard morning for me. Let's sit down together and figure out what we're going to do. You know, I have a friend. She told me that she had promised her daughter after she was on her Zoom meeting, that she would help her daughter with homework. And her daughter was ready. And here's mom ready to do the work with her. And all of a sudden, this mother realized she was being impatient, she was being grouchy. And she said to her daughter, look, honey, I know I promised you I'd be with you right now, but in fact, I need to go outside for five minutes and breathe the fresh air and look at the flowers, and I'll come back and we'll work together. And just that five minutes made all the difference for this woman because she grounded herself, got back to herself. So there's no right way to do this. Pay attention to yourself and pay attention to what your children need. And that's my second point. I want to talk about the fact that behavior has meaning. You know, sometimes our children are just doing things that are irritating us, and we wonder why they can't just listen and pay attention and do what they know is right to do. So I'll give you an example. I have four wonderful adult children, and they taught me so much as they were growing up. I learned from them. So my son Matt was about 10, and he was playing with his sister, who was 5. And of course, he was doing fun play. But then he started to annoy her, and he was picking on her, and, I don't know, poking at her, tickling her. But all of a sudden, the tears came, and she came running to me, and she said, matt is picking on me. And I was comforting her, and I. I was starting to get annoyed and angry with him. And so I turned to him and I said, you know, don't do that. You have to stop. Who picked on you today? You know, in a kind of sarcastic, angry tone. And he looked at me, and he started to cry, and he said, mom, I was picked on today. And he started to tell me what had happened at school. Now, I was lucky that he was able to do that instead of just going and slamming the door and walking away. But his intensity was rising, and he didn't know what to do with all the feelings he was feeling. So often that's true for kids. And so he picked on his sister and he caused a little explosion. And I paid attention and talked with him. So that's an example of how behavior has meaning. So when our kids are acting out, and sometimes it's because of the pandemic, it's this way in which all routines have been changed, this way in which we don't have the safety net of our teachers, of our friends. You don't have the safety net of just being able to go and meet your friend for a cup of coffee. So we're all under this stress. But for kids, they don't always know how to talk about it, so their behavior has meaning. I'm going to talk in a minute about temperament, but I'll give you another example of a client of mine. She had a son who was very slow to warm up, shy and sensitive things. He felt things strongly. He felt things deeply. His sensitivity was to noise and sensitivity to touch. He wasn't a cuddly one. He didn't like to be touched. And so right before the pandemic, they moved to a different state, to a different house. And that was hard for him. He was really slow to adapt to this new situation. And then the pandemic hit, and all of a sudden he was taken out of school, where he actually felt very safe and protected. And now he was home with two parents, both trying to work full time with him and his younger sibling. And so what was happening, the behavior that was happening, was that this child was now throwing tantrums where they hadn't been doing that, was hitting his parents, was throwing things at his parents, and they were in a panic about what to do. Their stress was going up. The parents were arguing with each other because they didn't agree about how to handle him. You know, mom wanted to be really strict and give him punishment for his behavior. And dad was feeling a lot of empathy for him. And so they called me, we talked, and first I found out that this behavior started when they first moved. So here's a child who has trouble adapting to changes and transitions. And he has parents who are very fast adapting. So that fit wasn't there. They didn't understand why he was having that difficulty. And now the pandemic means that he can't be with his teacher, he can't be with his friends, and he doesn't know how to express it. And the expectations for him were still high that he can adapt, and he could follow the plan. So when we talked, we realized that this started with the move. It got worse with the pandemic. And then the parents had a vacation planned, and they went away where they weren't working, where they were able to social distance with some friends, and they even got to see the grandparents, and all the behaviors disappeared. And they said it was like magic. And they got to see that this behavior had meaning, and also that they didn't have to put a label on their child that he had a neurobiological disorder. You know, I did a lot of work with families who had children with attention deficit disorder or sensory integration problems. And sometimes there is a neurobiological disorder going on, but so often it's this wide range of temperament, and that the environment and circumstances really impact how we are. You know, many of us as adults have figured out how to communicate our feelings, and sometimes we don't do so good at it either. But children act it out, and it's our job to pay attention. You know, my children, in terms of temperament, were so different. My first two children, my son Pei, he could eat anything I put on his plate, and I could take him to a rock concert back in the day, and he would fall asleep, and I would, you know, change plans on him. And he was fine, very adaptable. And so then I had another child, and I loved her deeply as I did him, But I was, I don't know, 24 with my second child. I was young, and I had good instincts, but I didn't know a lot. And I kept wondering, what was I doing wrong? Because this other dear child of mine was not responding the same way. She needed to be held and carried more. She didn't like her food that my other son liked. I couldn't give her a bottle ever. She, you know, went right to a cup at 1 years old. And I kept figuring out, you know, what's going on here? And. And it wasn't until the 1990s, when I was trained in temperament, that I really had a big aha. Like, oh, my God, I wish I had known about this before. Because she was sensitive. She needed more physical touch. She had different needs. So step back now and think about your child's unique style. Temperament is about how we move in the world. It's not about our motivation. It's just that we come into the world differently. And so Chess and Thomas, these wonderful psychiatrists, trained me, and I got to understand that if my temperament and my child's are very different, I might not be attuned to them. Also, if my temperament and my child's is the same, it might also cause problems. So, for instance, I'm intense, and so are a couple of my kids. And so that intensity can escalate. And I had to learn how to calm my intensity so I could respond to my kids. So let me go through these traits really quickly. I went ahead and put on my website, nurserhona.com a form that you can fill out and you can look at your temperament and your child's, and then you could have sort of that aha of oh, wow, I'm fast adapting. My child is slow adapting. I get impatient, and no wonder they melt down. Also, the positive side of temperament, you know, all of these traits have challenges, and they're positive. It's not like anything is bad or good. So I have about three minutes here. I'm going to tell you what the traits are. There's sensitivity. Some people are just sensitive to noise, to touch, to texture, to taste. Pay attention to your child's sensitivity and know that when they're overstimulated, they're going to melt down more. Some children are low sensitivity, so things just roll off their back. Activity. Some kids are really high activity. You know those kids, and during the pandemic, you have to find ways for them to express that activity. Get them on their skateboards, get a trampoline if you can, have a dance party so that your activity is getting used as well. Intensity. Those are the emotional responses, those strong feelings. Kids who are intense can go from 0 to 60 in just one minute. They have a choua de vie. They love life. They need for you to tell them how terrific they are, to connect with them first thing in the morning. If you have an intense kid, just connect with them and plan the day with them. Give them outlets, make sure they go and have time to run around the block in between their zoom calls. Adaptability. Kids are fast adapting. They can go with the flow. Other children really need time for transitions. Use the timers, set a big whiteboard up and put down what the daily schedule is going to be. Help them transition. And if you're trying to get them to do something, be a little patient. Give them time to adapt. Some children are slow to warm up. We call that shy. Other children are fast and outward, and they have extroverts. I'm talking about introvert and extrovert. If your child is slow to warm up, when they're comfortable, they'll be okay. If you have a teenager who's sitting home and doesn't want to do a zoom call and doesn't want to social distance. It may be that they're okay. It doesn't mean they're depressed. It may be that they're an introvert and they really just want that time to read and be alone and they're still happy that way. I want to talk about the child who is regular and orderly. If so, this pandemic is hard for them. Their schedule has really changed. So you need to focus in and help them come up with a schedule that works for them. I know I'm going to have to stop here so we can answer questions, but in the big picture, how your temperament fits with your child's is what's going to make your day easier in my book. Is that me yelling? I really talk about temperament as a way to reduce the struggles between you and your child and again, be very kind to yourself and accept who you are and your temperament as you go through this journey that is a marathon, it's not a sprint. So we have to really build our resilience and imagine what our kids are learning while they're trying their best, their very best to stay safe and protected. I think, Karen, that I'm supposed to stop now so we can do some talk about questions. And that just went by way too fast.

Thank you, Rona. So I first want to just comment that I remember as you were speaking about being at the park with my three sons and one of my sons needed to be given a two minute warning to know that we were going to be transitioning away from the park because I learned over time that the other two could just pack up their shovels and be on their way. But this one really needed that transition time. So even though he's a 24 year old now, it just reminded me that that is even still the case for him where he needs to know when things are going to be changing, what the time frame is or just to prepare. So I think that's just a great example of a particular temperament. So one question we have is this. I know that as an adult I should be the better person, but sometimes kids have to sneak in the last word and it drives me crazy. Do I let them have it and potentially keep the situation from escalating? What should I do?

Well, you know, I think in these times especially, but all times, if we can keep situations from escalating, that's a real, really good thing. Again, our relationship with our kids really matter right now. We want to maintain that. We want them to look back and think of this Time not one of chaos, but one of connection. So I would say to this parent that look at your temperament and your child's and probably figure out that you're both very strong willed. And again, being strong willed is great. You know, you may run a company someday, but you are the adult. And even if the child, the teenagers, has rolled their eyes at you, you don't have to get in the last word. You know, if something is said that's very hurtful, come back later and say, you know, what just happened was really difficult for me when I was telling you this and then, you know, you, you know, said something really rude to me. But your temperament and your child's is probably similar and you are the adult. So keep things from escalating. Let them de escalate. Come from a place of compassion for yourself and for your child.

Thank you. I have another question, and I would say that just before I move on, just to take a moment like you had us take a breath in the beginning, just before I react, I try and take a pause. Because sometimes there's two ways to look at a situation. Oftentimes, most times there is. And so I think just reminding ourselves that we can sort of analyze or give some thought before we react, I think that can be really helpful.

And Karen, I want to say that if a child is trying to get in the last word, sometimes it's about agency. And that especially teens, you know, they want to feel important, they want to feel, they contribute, they want to feel like their opinions are heard. So my children have taught me over the years that I could also listen more, talk a little less, ask your questions and also listen more. So make that part of your practice. Yes.

Two ears and one mouth, right? Listen more. We have another question, and that is my child and I have absolutely opposite temperaments and we often butt heads when there's a conflict. How can I help us get to level ground? How much should I compromise with my child?

Yeah, I think again, you know, I wrote my book. Is that me yelling? Because when there's a conflict, what we really have to do is calm ourselves, calm our nervous system and not react from fight or flight. I remember one time one of my kids used a curse word and I was ready to jump in there and, you know, really give them hell. And instead I said, separate right now. I can't talk to you right now. I'm too upset. Let's come back and talk about this. And that's where I really feel like family meetings are very helpful. You know, you have an issue it's complicated. Let's sit down together and let's hear everyone's side. You know, compromise. I think of the word collaboration a lot with parenting. We've got to find out what's going on for our kids. And yes, we do make the decisions, you know, in terms of the buck stops here. You know, we're looking out for our kids and trying to do what's best for them. But we've got to collaborate with them, hear what they have to say and decide, you know, how will we be a little flexible here? I learned that it was important not to immediately say no, to stop for a minute, take that breath and say, let me consider this. I'll think about it.

Thank you. We all still have things to learn, no matter how old we are. So let's talk about teens. Our teens worlds have changed so much. We have teens that didn't get to go to the prom. We have teens that didn't get to go through their middle school graduation. We have teens that are trying to navigate college applications with the hope that they're actually going to be going to college. So, so many milestones that they're really not getting to participate in. How can I help my teen process some of their feelings of frustration, angst, and missing out?

Yeah. And again, we want to look at our teens temperament. Some kids are very adaptable. Others are having a lot more trouble. You know, with teenagers, I think what's important is again, to realize that their job is to differentiate from you and to move a little bit away. So give them space in terms of them expressing their feelings, they're all going to do it differently. I find that a lot of times teens are very resistant to, let's sit down and talk about this. But if you go for a hike together and you're calm with them, their feelings come out. If you go for a drive with them, especially if you're able to go and have a period of time, they start to open up. There is fear of missing out. They have missed out. We all have to accept our grief. There's a time right now of universal grief for what's going on. So really accepting that, modeling that. We model a lot for our kids, so we have to be able to show them that it's okay to feel sad, it's okay to be disappointed, and then also how to be resilient. We're raising a group of kids who I hope will be very resilient even though they couldn't have their graduation. Maybe they got behind a cause. Maybe they're Standing up for Black Lives matters. Maybe they're standing up for kids who are hungry and not having enough food. See if you can help them get involved in doing for others. That's a big part of resilience and having gratitude, but also accepting their feelings. Don't deny that missing out on the prom is a problem. And then get creative together and see what you can come up with so that you can have some fun. I keep thinking of my grandson David, who's helping his mom in her business where they turn lawns into gardens. And now he's a gardener, and for his life, he's going to have these wonderful skills. And Maceo is learning how to skateboard. So this is a time for new creativity. But we are mourning the losses that we have. Yeah.

Thank you so much. It's very touching to me as I think about all the children that don't have right now what they're so accustomed to and what's so normal for them. I have a really important question that's come up on the chatter group. How do you help de escalate situations when a child is frustrated about not being able to verbalize their needs?

How do you de escalate? Well, I think again, you have to notice your own state. So you have to find a way, even though you're under a lot of stress, to be in a place of listening. And some children can't verbalize it. And this might be a young child. Play is really important. Through play, we can express what we're feeling. And that might be puppet play and creative play. With a little child, it might be going out and throwing a ball back and forth, back and forth. And art is another way children can express what they're feeling. Get the paper out, get the markers out, start drawing together, get the play DOH out. And also turn on the music and sing. Sing and dance and meltdown and watch a sad movie if you have to. Oh, there's so much more I want to talk to you about, Karen. And I think we're almost out of time, aren't we?

We are, but I have to. If you can answer this in 30 seconds, because this is important. We have a lot of children that have sensory processing differences. So do you have any specific advice for parenting kiddos with sensory processing disorders during the pandemic in the last 30 seconds that we have together, Pay attention.

To the noise and the sound. Help them feel safe and secure. Maybe it's through hugs, maybe it's not. Give them things like play doh and things to play with. That stimulate their senses but reduce the stimulation. Get them outside in nature. That is the cure for everything to the best of your ability. Get outside and take lots of deep breaths together. There are good websites on sensory issues. And keep learning from each other. Reach out to other parents who you may know have kids with some of the same challenges. Take good care of yourself. You are the key to helping your child get through this and helping you get through this.

Rhona, such a big thank you for being here with our families today. Thank you. Thank everyone who has joined us on the call today. Remember, be happy, be healthy and be well. Bye everyone.