Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

I don't question my self worth based on other people's experience or net worth. I think about my self worth in terms of whether or not I've been integrous with who I want to be. Am I in integrity or alignment with my values? Am I proud of how I'm showing up? These are things that I measure myself on, not others. And I don't measure myself vis a vis their bank account or their follower account or their business size or what they've done in the world. Instead, I focus on things that connects humanity. Today I'm taking on a very popular request and that is the topic of imposter syndrome. What do I do when I feel like I don't belong or I haven't earned it, or I don't feel capable or confident? What do I do when I just feel like I'm off? I don't fit in with this group of people. What happens if here I am succeeding but I don't feel it? I don't feel a reward or like I'm who I'm supposed to be in this given situation. Obviously those are all very different things I just rattled off. But those very different things people often tend to bucket under this make believe phrase called imposter syndrome. This is one of those things where I really believe a lot of people self diagnose and they give their self diagnosis and a fancy sounding phrase to make it sound like, oh, it's legit, oh, this is a very big thing. Oh of course, this is why I'm sabotaging myself and oh my gosh, this is why I'm not happy in my life. I have imposter syndrome. And so I think this is one of my very favorite phrases that's ever come out of personal development or psychology. And I'll address the term lightly, but I'll start with the good news for you. Now mind you, I'm no doctor, but here's a simple diagnosis for you that might serve. Take it easy on yourself. You probably don't have any real sense of imposter syndrome. You're just experiencing some doubt and you're experiencing some places where you might not fit in. It doesn't mean you're ruined, it doesn't mean something's wrong with you. It means you're having some doubtful thoughts about where you're at, what you're contributing, what group you're in. And shocking. First point of training today, doubt is usual, but doubt is not a signal that you have a huge syndrome that is preventing all of your happiness. Doubt Is a signal to learn and to try. Doubt is a signal to get better at something. It says, hey, you know, I'm not so sure about this right here. I guess I better pay attention. I'd better observe. I better be on the lookout. I better skill up so I can handle this demand. I don't know if I fit in right here. So let me increase my self awareness to see, are these people like me? Are these people safe? Are these people here a group or a tribe I can belong to, feel comfortable and safe with? These are doubts. To observe, to explore, to learn, to skill up. Don't confuse them with some syndrome that makes you a bad person or a broken person or that something is quote unquote wrong with you. That's what a lot of people do. They sense doubt and they make themselves wrong or inadequate in that doubt. I have doubt all the time. I have doubt multiple times a day. But I'm not running around going, well, I must be an imposter. This must be called imposter syndrome. I doubt myself. No, that's called humility. That's called self awareness. That's called the call of potential to get better. That's called the radar that pops up, you know, like antenna out of your brain that says, let me pay attention to these people right here to make sure I'm in the right place. That's all. Okay. It's just a signal to observe, to explore, to try to get better, to pay attention to others and where you're at. So sorry, but I'm trying to normalize doubt a little bit here. It's all right. It really is. So if imposter syndrome is so much, people when they self diagnose it, they say, well, I have imposter syndrome because here I am, you know, trying this thing and, and might even have some success or momentum at it, and I still don't feel like I fit in or I'm like them. Oh, okay. So we're talking about a sense of belonging, is that correct? Yeah, yeah. I don't feel like I belong or I like them or I've earned it or I'm capable. Okay, well, let me ask a question. Is that a sense that's saying, let me see if this is my group here, or is that a sense of insecurity? Often what's happening is we feel insecure and what's happening with the group of people or work that we're doing, we feel insecure about it. We feel that we are not enough, we're not capable or we're Judging ourselves often on impossible standards, or what is more often not. I would say what is true, I should say, after all my years of coaching, I realize most people are insecure, but not about a thing, not even about themselves today in a situation or a sense of belonging or fitting in. They're just insecure in the wrong time zone. What that means is they're gauging themself today and they feel insecure about it because they're measuring up or trying to measure up to somebody else's. Five more years of experience, ten more years of success, three degrees greater of depth of skill. And so they're saying, well, here I am starting, or here I am in my first leg of success, but I'm not like them. I don't belong yet. Well, sometimes they run a few more miles, and that's okay. And your insecurity is really about skill or experience, and that's also okay. It's the brain doing its thing of humility and saying, you know, I gotta run a few more laps to catch up with these folks. And that's all right. The issue becomes, when you're in security about your skill or experience now troubles you in terms of your identity and your self worth, where now you say, I'm not worthy to hang with this crowd. When we say, I'm not worthy to hang with this crowd, well, now, that's quite the value. Judgment about your identity and your self worth. That's where some negative self talk is often happening. Because you know what? You're worthy to hang out with anybody. You can hang out with presidents. I have. You can hang out with celebrities. I have. You can hang out with billionaires. I have. You can hang out with people who are above, quote unquote, your pay grade, your experience level, and everything else, and your common humility, humanity unites you. Everyone's like, brendan, do you ever feel imposter syndrome? I'm like, well, no, because so far every day I kind of feel like I'm a human. And these people I'm talking to, at least maybe it's from my blind Montana eyes that they kind of also look like humans. And I'm pretty sure they put one leg in front of the other. I'm pretty sure they have to pull their own pants on. I'm pretty sure they have their own doubts and insecurities. No matter what level they're at, I'm pretty sure they've struggled. I'm pretty sure they suffer. I'm pretty sure they sense a common humanity. I'm pretty sure that they hope their future is good. I'm pretty sure they're working hard, trying things and want life to go good. Pretty sure they value love. Pretty sure they value connection with other people. Pretty sure that they want a sense of aliveness and health in their life. Pretty sure they want to see themselves and their families succeed and the people around them. Pretty sure they want some good friendships. I'm like, seems like we got a lot in common. And so do I feel like an imposter around more successful people? No. Do I feel like an imposter around different types of people? No. Because humanity. I don't question my self worth based on other people's experience or net worth. I think about my self worth in terms of whether or not I've been integrous with who I want to be. Am I in integrity or alignment with my values? Am I proud of how I'm showing up? These are things I measure myself on, not others. And I don't measure myself vis a vis their bank account or their follower account or their business size or what they've done in the world. Instead, I focus on things that connects humanity. The World Value Survey one time found that most people anywhere in the world, in cultures throughout history valued love, truth, fairness, freedom, respect, responsibility, tolerance. And not everybody, and not every culture and every moment in time. But in general those are values that people would espouse. And I feel pretty connected to that with most people. So I don't feel like I don't quote, unquote, belong. Instead, what I realize is there's a lot to connect us and maybe my skill set is less or my bank account is less. That doesn't make me an imposter among them. What that makes me is less experienced. That's not a negative thing. I never understood why people who lack experience or skill would feel bad around other people who have that. Just the same as you know, when I was in high school, I didn't feel around. I didn't feel bad. When I was around other kids who had cars and I didn't have a car, I thought, well, I guess I'm going to have to get a summertime job and work for a couple years to be able to afford a car. And then I got a car and I didn't go around other people with nicer cars and go well I'm an imposter. Or go around people with cars just like mine and go, well, I guess I'm an imposter. Here, I've made it, I've got a car. And these other People have gars, but you know, it was hard for me and so I feel like an imposter because it looks easy for them or vice versa. It was easy for me, looks hard for them, so now I'm going to feel like an imposter. Why focus on measuring up to other people and what they have? Why not focus on are you living your life in a way that brings you your unique sense of aliveness, connection, meaning and growth? Often what we call the imposter syndrome is really just our heart's yearning to be more of who we truly are. And then when we try to fit in, when we try to belong, it's like I don't. So I feel like an imposter. And I know I'm using a lot of different examples because again, people use this phrase in so many different ways. Sometimes they use it when they've made it and they are starting to measure up and they don't feel like they belong to that successful crowd, but they also use it when they feel like, you know, they're unsuccessful or unworthy around other people. Some people use it in measuring themselves against others and some people use it the way they talk about themselves. I understand at the end of the day, if it's causing insecurity, you're often measuring yourself just on a different timeline with others. And frankly, any good teacher would also tell you sometimes that timeline is you still are perceiving yourself as a high schooler and you're 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 years old. You've not adjusted and upgraded your sense of identity based on all the miles that you've run, the traumas you survived, the hard days you've endured, the great things you have sought, achieved or given. And so you still think of yourself like your parents taught you to. When you're 10 and you haven't done the analysis, the work, the self awareness, the personal development or the therapy to upgrade your sense of identity to today's time zone as a fully mature, conscious and capable adult. So because you're evaluating yourself on who you were when you were 13 or 18 or 22, you don't feel like you measure up with any group where you're around adults and you keep thinking about success or achievement or what they have or you don't have, or you do have and they kind of do. And the reality is you just need an upgrade in your identity to give yourself some credit, some grace, some compassion, some respect based on how far you've really come. I have a very up to date identity and what I mean by that is, I do a hard, a lot of hard work to make sure I'm always updating my identity. How do I do that? I journal. I just go. For me now I go into the Growth day app and I just journal on a consistent basis. So I'm capturing the wins, I'm reflecting on the losses, I'm considering my fears. I'm thinking about what I did today, what I'm after tomorrow, what I hope for my future, what struggles I'm facing. The more you journal, the more self awareness you get. I've always noticed that those who feel high degrees of imposter syndrome and have less self awareness in general. And I'll say that in a judgment kind of standpoint, it's that I'm a certified high performance coach. Like, I make my living as a coach and I make people fill out assessments all the time. And one of the measures I personally do in my private practice is to try to gauge people's self awareness. And I use psychological tools for that. And what becomes pretty clear is often people don't know themselves. So of course they're going to feel like their identity doesn't lock in with a certain group of people because they don't even know themselves. How are they supposed to fit in or belong with a bunch of other people? Now, I know you might not be thinking of imposter syndrome this way, and I certainly would know that if you were a therapist as an example, because I'm quite familiar with a different approach to this. So I'll keep going. Another idea I'd like you to consider is that sometimes your efforts aren't matching the expected efforts you believe should have happened or need to happen to be where you are. This happens a lot for successful people. And I mean, they feel like they've kind of lucked into some success or they feel like they had it easier than other people, or they feel like, you know, I quote, unquote, make it. But these people who are successful, I still feel poor. I still feel like I haven't made it. I still feel like they're different than me. Well, all of that is mental contraption. It's meant, it's making things in our own mind. And that's what usually imposter syndrome is. It's. We're just telling ourselves stories, aren't we? We're telling ourselves stories about who we are and what we deserve and how far we've come and whether or not our effort led to our rewards. I know a lot of people who've made a lot of money who don't feel like they deserved it because they knew friends from college or high school or back home who worked equally as hard and they didn't get the outsized returns. And so they go, who am I to belong here at this level when I should be down at that level? Because they don't see their effort as equaling the success. And in that way they sense a sense of often unfairness. And lots of people sense un unfairness up or down the ladder, if you will. And that leads to what they'll often call imposter syndrome. It's a sense of unfairness. Now notice what we've talked through already. Imposter syndrome sometimes feels like doubt, sometimes it feels like insecurity. Sometimes it feels like the efforts aren't matching the rewards. Sometimes it feels like we just don't fit in. And in all those cases, we still have to ask, what are we going to do now? What are we going to do with this feeling? And this is where personal development comes into play. It's recognizing the thoughts and the stories we're telling ourselves and thinking through them, journaling on them, but also imbuing new thoughts, new ways of thinking, new mindsets, new behaviors that can turn it around. People always say, what's the quickest way out of imposter syndrome? I say, well, first stop the self worth negative conversation you had. I'm not worthy, I'm not capable, I don't belong, I'm not like them in such a way that diminishes yourself. Instead, focus on connecting to the moment and to other people, bringing your full presence, your full personal power and focus in, into the moment. That alignment is important, but then frankly, and this will be a curveball for most of you, I think the easiest way to have imposter syndrome is to give back or to give more. Giving back means mentoring somebody, supporting people along the way. Because what happens is when you see more inexperienced people coming up, you, you recognize that same doubt and insecurity, confusion, sense of, you know, not belonging, effort, not matching reward in them. And the more people you mentor, the more you see that this imposter syndrome is something people self create. The more people you mentor, the more you realize how silly that phrase even is and how hard we are on ourselves. You want to get perspective in your own life, help other people find some in theirs. That's the power of mentorship. Leading other people, caring for other people, supporting other people, trying to make a difference in other people's lives. Giving back is a game changer also because Efforts sometimes don't match rewards. Give more, Be more generous. The more generous you are, the more your heart feels like, wow, I'm giving, I'm serving. This is why servant leadership is a powerful approach to imposter syndrome. It taps us back into our humility. It helps us want to serve other people. And the more that we serve other people, the more we sense we are making a difference. The more we sense we are making a difference, the more we feel connected or fulfilled to a purpose or a higher calling. And when we are connected to those types of things, we get out of the self analysis paralysis and we start recognizing the true value that we bring in serving a higher calling or purpose. Now it's not about us and whether we're perfect or we fit in. It's not about our insecurities and our doubts. It's about having faith and connecting to a purpose that is higher than we are, more important than we are. Being in service to something that is beautiful and soulful and aligns with our real values and our deeper desires to pursue things of meaning, pursue things that bring fulfillment or a sense of purpose in our lives. The more we're connected to purpose, the less we sense. Imposter Syndrome when was a time in your life you felt imposter syndrome? What was going on? What were you thinking? Was there any doubt or insecurity there? Did you feel like your efforts didn't match your rewards? Did you feel like maybe you just hadn't helped other people or you weren't part of a purpose yet? What was going on for you? I know lots of things come up under this topic. It means different things for different people. I covered the most common that I see in coaching. But of course you could write more volumes about this as well. I'd love for you to journal about it. And then if you know somebody who's been too hard on themselves today, do me a favor. Just text them today. Hey, I was listening to Daily Fire today and I just wanted to cheer you on today. I know you're hard on yourself sometimes, but I believe in you. I see you working hard and striving and I'm just cheering you on. Sometimes reaching out to others, cheering them on, being part of that mentorship process, bringing some inspiration to other people's lives, even just by random texts or audios or emails once in a while can make us feel a whole lot better. And I think when we do that, we sense that we're helping others. And it's through helping others that we sense that purpose that we were talking about. So do that today. Reach out to somebody. Cheer them on. Because once you do that for yourself, you'll feel more connected and you help them realize. Just like you and I both know, every day is a great day to grow together.