Mentors and Optimal Learning Environments for Children

One of the most important things I feel, especially teaching that age of kids, is setting up a positive learning environment. And so, you know, for my academy here, you can kind of see in the background we use white and black and clean lines and not much chaos. Children out there are bringing in a ton of information in at a time, and when you give them a lot of stuff to bring in, it creates a lot of chaos in their mind, makes them hard to learn. My goal with my facility is to create that learning environment that has the right attitude for everybody, that's respectful for everybody and keeps everybody safe. You have to kind of hit that clinical aspect of what is best for everybody.

I was thinking about this before our interview because you've been kind of a mentor in the realm of jiu jitsu, but also personal growth for my sons. I mean, teaching them things like respect, focus, patience, etc. And you'd think that it would be a parent's role to teach many of those things. I talk about this a little bit in the Boundless parenting book, but I've had to learn as a father that the value of having your kids have mentors other than your parents is actually pretty valuable. Like their rite of passage and all their wilderness instruction and much of their nature immersion has been through another mentor, a guy who's been on the podcast, Tim Corcoran. A lot of their physical discipline and like I mentioned, respect and fortitude has been through your tutelage. They're often on a weekly call with a group of young men called Apogee, or there's another guy named Matt Boudreau and he's another mentor that they meet with on a weekly basis. And typically they're going through like a two or three hour call with some inspirational figure, you know, like a Navy SEAL or an entrepreneur or an artist, and learning from that person. And it took a little while for me as a dad to realize there's actual, there's a lot of value in not necessarily the, you know, outsourcing to a village, all of your child's upbringing and instruction, but letting go and allowing your kids ego set aside to be trained by other people and to have mentors. I think that you have to strike a balance between that and I think the habit that a lot of parents get into, which is sending your kids off to school for whatever, like eight hours a day, them coming home from school and you assuming that everything that they need to learn in life has been done and it's all checked off and everything's perfect, when in fact And I think it's Seth Godin who talks about this. Your role as a parent, if your kids are going to traditional school, as soon as they step in the door, is to begin to school them even more and educate them on all the things that they're not learning in school or help them filter what they're learning at school through a proper worldview. And I think that for me, it's been really important to understand that kids need a mentor other than their parents. And there's actually a lot of value in that. And parents don't have to feel guilty or lazy or feel as though their child's being influenced by someone else by setting up mentors like that to walk them through the process. And again, I think that this idea of hand selecting people who can work with your kids is a lot better process than just sending them off to school and letting the school choose who's going to teach them or. But it's actually been really, really cool to see them mentored by you. And I guess I'm wondering for you, with all your coaches and your trainers, were there any specific mentors that really stood out for you? And if so, what'd you learn from them?

It was my karate instructor, actually. That was the mentor for me. Like I said, I didn't have. My dad wasn't around when I was growing up, but it was my mom, and she was busy teaching a lot and trying to provide for us. And so I was around my karate instructor quite a bit. And just to go back a little bit to kind of what you were saying was you, and I didn't even know who you were before you called and asked and said that you wanted your boys to come try a class with me. It was like, you're definitely one of the most inspiring people I've ever met in person. But like I said, I wasn't somebody that read your. Listened to your podcasts and stuff. But over the years, I've taught thousands of kids. Taught Thousands. I have 350 students. Your children are some of the most special children I've ever met in my life and ever. And it really just goes back to that.

They take after their mom.

No, no, no, no, it doesn't. No, it goes back to the stuff where I'm a person that pays attention. And it goes back. I mean, you called me personally, left a voicemail and said that, you know, you were looking for somebody. That's because you just, like you said, do your research and try to find people that were good role models and stuff for your Children. And I've watched that over and over over the last few years. I've worked with them since they were at 7, 8 years old. And all of the different things and the places that you taken have made these children super special. They are my favorite kids that I get to work with. I'm not supposed to say that, you know, but every day when I come in, the way that they greet me, the way that they shake my hands, they're professional, but they're just the most loving, loving children. You know, I was so actually thankful to hear that you're writing that boundless parenting book. Because I aspire to be a parent like you. I want my children to grow up like your kids are doing right now. And I want other people too as well. And so for me to be able to have a resource that I can say, hey, listen, I've worked with these children for the last seven, eight years of their life and I've watched them on a daily level, inside, outside, and this is the book on how to make these good kids. And so I just wanted to say that because it's been a really awesome thing to watch. You do exactly what you said. You kind of hand picked. You go out there and you find these people that you know are experts in their field. I'm an expert in my field. I'm an expert at teaching 3 and 4 year olds martial arts. You won't find anybody that's better at teaching 3 year olds and 4 year olds martial arts than me. I promise that. If you do, then find it, come to me and we'll talk about it a little bit. But you do the same thing for your children. And for me, to even be one of those professionals that you look towards was an amazing honor that I've carried over this time. But it just goes to show that, yeah, you put that group of people and that team together and you're gonna have some kids that are gonna do some amazing things. Your children are looking to change the world. They're going out there to like, help other people and stuff. Like, they're not just gonna go and no offense to anybody, but just sit in the desk in their own corner of the world.

Right? Right.

Yeah.

It's interesting because I think that a lot of parents will look around, especially in the era of social media, and see the luxurious exotic vacations and destination resorts that people are taking their kids to, or the fancy private schools, or the cool sports teams and sports clubs, and feel a lot of pressure to put their children to those scenarios. And yeah, there is some benefit to your kid being immersed in a really, really rich and safe and skilled learning environment. But one thing that I think has been a real game changer for Jess and I in terms of the parenting philosophy that we've implemented, is that at the end of the day, all humans want to be seen and heard and loved. And kids, especially at the end of the day, they want time and presence. They crave time and presence. And if you can give that to them. And as a parent, everything just seems to kind of line up like dominoes after that. As a matter of fact, when river and Taran are acting out, when they're starting to get a little bratty or fight with each other, you know, sometimes they'll tend to, like, micromanage each other or they'll. They'll start to get antsy or, you know, begin to show disrespect. I can usually trace that back to me not being present enough and me not being there enough and me either traveling too much or when I am home, not carving out the times that I carve out on a near consistent daily basis. Now for the morning meditation and the morning devotions and morning prayer time and family huddles, the beginning and end of the day, the evening breath work that we do, that, you know, it used to be a lot of workouts together, but now they do a lot of workouts with this apogee group that they're with. So they're kind of like, you know, using those other children and mentors as accountability. But we're still engaged in deep, present, meaningful activities on a daily basis with our sons. And sometimes that's like cooking and family games and the dinner time. But I think that that's. It's just underemphasized the importance of actual time spent with your child. Actually sitting down cross legged, you know, in the basement living room, busting out a board game and just sitting there with them and playing and showing them that, you know, there's no smartphone here. There's nothing else going on. It's just you and them. All the way down to simple practices. Like, for example, once a week, I'll put on a song at bedtime. Just like a five to six minute song. And all we do is eye gaze. Like mom gets one son or I get the other. I realize it's gonna be more difficult for a lot of families who have multiple children, but you can figure it out. And we just do eye gazing where you're looking deep into your child's eyes and they're looking into Your eyes, which are like windows to the soul. And sometimes we talk, sometimes we just gaze, sometimes I'll stroke their hair or they'll stroke my cheek. But it is so meaningful to be able to carve out those times for presence with your child. And I think that, you know, it's not the only secret sauce. I mean, I talk about a lot of their stuff in the parenting book, like, you know, the love and logic parenting approach which people could look up. But yeah, I think one of the most important parts is time and presence. And you see that manifest, right. Like, you know, for example, you know, I've taught them to look someone in the eye when they shake their hand. And I've seen you do the same thing as well. Whether when they're bowing or shaking hands, it's like that eye contact is important. So yeah, I think presence is one of the most important things.

That's.

Probably hits me the strongest because I didn't have that. And so when I see that and I see the value that your children have got, especially for me, that's maybe struggled with that even still in my life, I can be pretty honest and open that relationship wise and stuff like that. I still struggle because I'm not used to love and affection in my life. It's not something that I had in my family. It wasn't like I came home and mom gave me a hug or a kiss. None of that stuff happened. I didn't have grandparents or anybody actually growing up that did that actually for me at all. So when I watch and I see a lot of the stuff that the children are getting and that you're giving them and it's like, that's stuff actually that I see as valuable, but it's also stuff that I really wish I would have had in my own life to see where I could have been a little bit more. Maybe some of these problems, I wouldn't call them problems, but things in my life that I look back and go, hey, do I have relationship issues? Things like that affection problems could come from when I'm younger.

Yeah. Now, along those same lines of interaction with kids, you have this pretty successful three and four year old program. And I know you have a lot of teaching skills that you use and that you've learned along the way and that I've noticed just voice fluctuation and tone and posture. Can you talk about some of the teaching methodologies that you use that you specifically think are super important or that people who are listening could learn from with their own kids or kids they might Be teaching.

One of the most important things I feel, especially teaching that age of kids is setting up a positive learning environment. And so for my academy here you can kind of see in the background we use white and black and clean lines and not much chaos if you can already imagine. I think there's a lot of people that are smarter than me that can listen and analyze this and stuff. But children out there are bringing in a ton of information in at a time and when you give them a lot of stuff to bring in, it creates a lot of chaos in their mind, makes them hard to learn. So I see this even in teachers in school. I for one a little bit ADHD and when I was a kid in high school I remember going to those rooms where the teachers had decorated the rooms with all sorts, sorts of posters and things like that to make it a fun, inviting place for the kids to be. But it was actually the worst learning environment I could have ever been in because my ADHD just wanted to look at every single thing in there every single day, even though I knew what was in there. It's like some people that go and look in the fridge, you already know what's in the fridge but you just do it every day, right? See all these different things. That was me. I can go to school and I would look and I just look around at all this stuff. Even though I knew it was there, it was just so much for me to pay attention to. So when I teach my especially that age and whether it comes to people with a harder with learning disabilities or age and stuff like that might make it them more sensitive to a proper environment, then I really kind of hit the books with that. So our three and four year old class, there's nobody else in here. I ask the parents to stay quiet. The parents don't interact with the students. They're sitting there right on the side but. But it's also time for the students to understand that I'm the teacher. And so our three and four year old class is actually about the student learning to be a part of a classroom, learning to get away from their parents, learn from a teacher, behave appropriately. And then with that I give them, I understand as a teacher that they're learning. So a lot of the things that I'm saying back to them or even when I'm correcting them is a lot of positive reinforcement. So at three years old they don't even.

Know English. You can't really hold their words and actions personally and hold it against them so much because this is the Teaching time. So with that, a lot of patience comes in and understanding and actually keeps me in a much better mood to be able to teach. I have more fun understanding that these kids are learning instead of expecting them to be perfect. Now the funny thing is I understand they're learning. I kind of set these boundaries. And then these kids are actually doing very well. They stand at attention, they don't move. I can tell them to stand there. They'll find their spots. And they're three and four years old. Some kids actually have started even when they're like two, you know, two years old in six months and they still come in. And really what it is, is it kind of like that military or like, you know, old school martial arts. If you have this structure and this kind of.

Plan that's already proven and you just kind of put one kids at a time in there, they just kind of mold to that product. And so my goal with my facility is to create that learning environment that has the right attitude for everybody, that's respectful for everybody and keeps everybody safe. And so things like we use the same, we all wear the same geese. And you know, that's because some people come in, you wear black geese or red geese, yellow geese. Well, people out there with science know that colors actually incite different things in some people's heads, right? And so maybe this guy over here has a red GI on and it makes it harder for me to learn because his red GI is making me very angry as a person.

There's a whole book about that, by the way, called Drunk Tank Pink I read a few years ago. I mean, it goes all the way down to like, the best color for a buy button on a website is orange. And the best shirt to wear if you want people to trust you, is blue or green. And like you mentioned, red can make people angry. And the most calming color. This is why the book is named Drunk Tank Pink after the fact that the drunk tank in many correctional facilities or prisons, they'll paint pink to calm people down. And it's very, very interesting the impact that even color has on something like a teaching or a learning environment or just on people's reaction to you in general.

It does. And then when that comes, then it comes to retention and then the student's ability to follow directions appropriately. So, you know, the stuff, we have a little bit of decorations on the wall, but mostly everything else is very clean and organized. When the. Especially the three and four year olds that are the most sensitive to that kind of stuff, they need to come in and have the floors are clean, there's not dirt places and stuff. They need to understand what. What it should look like in here, not like the chaotic part of it. And so with that, when we get new students that come in that are barely three years old, that maybe even come from a house that's more chaotic and stuff, it takes them a couple lessons. But then after they, they. They fit in the environment, and they just kind of become one of these kind of products of what this environment's set up for. And that is to keep everybody respectfully learning appropriately. And so, just like you said, I reference that all the time about in the prisons, how some people, they have them wear pink even as their uniforms to brighten them up and stuff like that. And this is stuff that goes down to how you can teach kids effectively. So I look at some of the schools and stuff sometimes, and it's almost like nails on a chalkboard when I see the teachers, that they're doing their best to try to make a fun environment for the students and stuff and also show their creativity. But with 30 children in a class, you can't create that perfect environment for 30 kids. When you're doing your own thing, kind of a thing, you know, you have to kind of hit that clinical aspect of what is best for everybody.