SHORTS | Emotional Regulation, Control & Suppression with Anna Eliatamby

And then the other one I was really interested to ask you about because it sort of reflects my personal journey, I was going to say over the past few years, but actually it's probably since a seven year old boy. Actually you talk a lot in the book about emotional regulation and I wanted to ask you about that because it strikes me that emotional regulation actually is quite different to emotional control. I mean, that's been significant for me. So I remember since I started secondary school, I was consistently told, Ben's got great leadership skills, he's calm under pressure. And I guess because I was what, 11, 12 year old, 12 years old at that stage, that started to shape my identity. Back to our conversation earlier. And then I applied to join the army, went to the army sixth form and then Sandhurst. And being calm under pressure and able to control your emotions is a hugely sought after trait. So it was almost rewarded. It was strengthened as a, as a trait in me. And then fast forward several years I actually started to realize I was quite poor at regulating emotions because all I was doing was pushing them down and not allowing myself to process them, even to the point where there's a, for people listening in the uk, there's the TV show, sort of DIY sos where a team of builders go in and try and like fix up the home of somebody of a family fallen on hard times or a charity. And I'd be watching that, just my wife and I at home, I'd feel a sort of a tear come to my eye and I would like consciously like fight that back, like, no, can't, can't cry. And then I remember I was doing a particular profiling tour and a friend of mine was sort of doing some feedback and she said, ben, I've never seen anybody who has got such high emotional control because that's one of the strengths, the strength scope tool measures. I was like, okay, that's interesting. We had a conversation and she's like, as well as I know you, she said, a lot of the time I've not got a clue what's going on for you. And she said, if you really want to sort of connect with people and have the impact I know you want to have, she said, you need to start dropping the mask a little bit and sort of letting people in. And that set off a real sort of journey of exploration for me. So, and this isn't designed just to be sort of counseling therapy for me, but sort of with that as the context, like, can you talk to us a little bit about like the difference between Emotional control and regulation. And then why regulation is so important, particularly for leaders.

Yes, emotional control, which is also linked to emotional suppression, can be part of emotional regulation. And if I start with emotional regulation, it's that it's also. Emotional regulation is actually part of one of the five qualities of emotional intelligence. So emotional regulation means that you are in touch with your emotions, you're thinking about your emotions, you're handling them, you're reflecting on them, and you're very connected to them. And therefore that allows you to function at the emotional level as well as the thinking level. That's easier, more easily said than done because you know, being able to emotionally regulate depends on who you are, what your upbringing is, et cetera, et cetera. Emotional control is actually necessary and can be necessary. For example, in a crisis situation, you need that emotional control to cope. If you're a leader in the business sector and coping in the middle of a crisis, you need to have that emotional control. But the research is now showing that rather than having complete control, as you walk into an emergency, you just name the emotions, you can go, oh, horrible. And then you move into the control. And people who are in the armed forces or were in the armed forces or in the humanitarian sector dealing with major emergencies and crises are very good at emotional control. What they're not so good at is the release afterwards. And that need ideally needs to happen 72 hours before. Emotional suppression is linked to emotional control. And where the problem with emotional suppression is, especially if you're in the armed forces or humanitarian sector or a crisis leader in business, part of your ability to emotionally control is because you can suppress, but if you keep suppressing, it doesn't work. Sooner or later that's going to come out in some shape or form and unfortunately, usually in an unhealthy way, or you carry on suppressing by moving into addictions and things. So it's better if you can learn more about emotional regulation and who you are as a person at the emotional level, because that's going to connect you to yourself as a leader and to people. The best leaders I've ever worked with are people who really were understood who they were willing to be emotional, and people sensed that and they responded to that.

I think I know the answer to this, but it's always good to check yourself, right? I assume there's no time frame on when sort of suppressed emotions might, might come out, right? There could be any. Could there be any time in the future where for whatever reason, for no reason, another triggering event that suddenly causes kind of perhaps deeply suppressed emotions to burst out?

Yes, it can happen at any time. And usually it's when the person starts decompressing or just releasing or something in the person says I can't do this anymore. And then, you know, that's what happens anyway. If they've been through a big emotional experience, then there will be triggers in the environment that lead to them. But generally if there hasn't been a big experience, it can happen at any time.

And could that be like another stressful period? Like if you use the analogy, the, the straw that breaks the. The camel's back. If you've got a number of suppressed emotions from a particular event and then Fast forward maybe 35 years later you experience some other really emotionally challenging events coupled with a lot of stress and pressure. Again, maybe from work. Could those sort of events cause sort of suppressed sort of emotions and trauma to all show up at once?

It can, and it can be very confusing for the person if and when that happens. And that's when they need the professional help. It's not a failure, it's just that they're saying enough. And we all have moments when we say enough. And that's especially if somebody's had a lot of things happen in the past, or not so much import big things, but just that they've had enough, then that's when they need the help to recover, release, heal, grow.

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