Ep 221 | How to Best Approach a Fierce Conversation

Thank you for joining me today. It's Brian Gubernick and welcome to the No Days Off podcast where we believe that every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. Let's get into it today. I want to talk about fierce conversations. Now, fierce conversations, you may have heard that term before. It's actually the title of a book written a little while back. By Susan Scott. And in the book, she covers a, a range of pretty valuable insights around how to have direct conversation, how to achieve the objectives that you aim to achieve when conversing with another. It also talks about the importance of communication when it comes to building strong relationships and just achieving success personally and professionally. Now I'm talking about Fierce Conversations because I found myself revisiting this book and specifically the lessons from this book today when I was preparing for a conversation that I thought would in fact be a challenging one because it was dealing with a more sensitive, even emotional topic. And so prior to the— prior to engaging in that conversation, I did a review, you know, checked myself and remind myself some key concepts that I want to talk with you here today. Because my guess is that be it today, tomorrow, sometime this week, odds are that you are going to have a difficult conversation, one that requires planning, structure, cadence, making certain that you have your emotions in check, right? A little bit of strategy. And it's because the topic is just not a simple one. It's probably a bit more complex. And that was my situation. That's what I found myself discussing today. So here's a couple things to think around when you are about to engage in a conversation that's likely to be a bit stronger of one. That requires what I like to call a fierce conversation. So for me, key lesson number 1, or key thing for me to do number 1, I have to be more conversational and not confrontational. So be conversational and not confrontational. What does that mean? I have to engage in a dialogue that is open, that's focused on understanding the other side's perspective, that's respectful, and one that leads to a— likely leads to a more positive outcome. So I have to aim to be more conversational and less confrontational, which requires me to ask questions and do my absolute best to listen, as well as control my desire, my desire to respond. So particularly with, with challenging conversations, we have a tendency to not fully listen and want to express our point of view without allowing the other side the same luxury of sharing their point of view. So for me, I've got to check myself and make certain I'm more conversational and not confrontational. Now, next, I've got to surface and I must discuss what's normally considered the undiscussable. I've got to address the issues that can easily go unspoken. I've got to identify and I've got to discuss these undiscussable topics in order to get greater clarity, in order to have more understanding, and in order to reach resolution. In my relationships or in these engagements. So I've got to discuss the undiscussable. For me, this is very much a mindset and preparation exercise. If I know that there's a topic that's, that, that is likely to be avoided or want to be avoided, that's probably one I have to go right at. Now I have to go at it from a respectful, you know, with a respectful approach. But I cannot allow these things to go unspoken. And I don't want them to go unspoken. For me personally, I recognize that when things go unspoken, that things that should have been said, but I, but I was afraid to say it, or I danced around the subject, what happens is I complete that conversation and resentment might brew, or disappointment, or regret around what it is that should have been discussed that wasn't. So in fierce conversations, we've got to aim to surface and discuss the undiscussable. Now, the next thing for me, I think it's incredibly important to clarify your intention before even entering a conversation. You got to clarify what you're intending to accomplish. What is the purpose behind the discussion? What do you hope to achieve? Understanding these things guides the conversation in a much more constructive direction. So for pretty much all conversations, all business conversations at a minimum, and then a lot of more intense personal conversations, probably one thing that I've learned to do over the past 10, 15 years is I've just matured in business and life is pause and reflect. And ask myself the question, what am I aiming to achieve here? What is the purpose in me having this conversation? What's the outcome I desire? And then reminding myself throughout the conversation what my stated intention was when we started. Conversations can go all different routes. Lots of times you'll find yourself discussing something you had no intention of discussing, things that are not even important with respect to the objectives you intend or want to address or accomplish in the conversation. By clarifying your intention, you, you cast a vision. And I think it's really important to do so. Last couple things that I reviewed prior to having this more intense conversation that I had to have. Confront tough issues directly instead of avoiding difficult subjects. You got to address them directly. Now, this is similar to surfacing and discussing the undiscussable, those things that could go unspoken. These are the, these are not necessarily unspoken or things that could go unspoken, but these are the things that are, that we know are going to be tough. I want to tackle these tough issues head on. I don't want to dance. And in doing so, I want to make sure I foster this culture of, of openness, of trust, of problem solving, a problem solving mentality. I want to confront the tough issues directly. So not just address or surface the unspoken, the issues that could go unspoken, but the issues that we know we're going to talk about. Let's get after them directly. And then very, very last thing for me, as I was kind of reviewing my notes on Fierce Conversations, Honor silence. Silence is so powerful. It is such a powerful tool in communication. Silence allows both the other party and yourself to reflect, to process what's going on, to create space for more meaningful dialogue. Think about conversations you've had that have not gone exactly the way you wanted them to go. Is it possible that there wasn't enough silence? There wasn't enough space. You were talking over one another. You were most emotionally charged. You weren't listening or hearing. You weren't processing. And only after you left that conversation, were you able to slow things down and recognize, you know, the conversation that was being had, the meaning behind certain things. Silence, I think, as a tool, is an amazing way to process that information in real time versus post-conversation. So I encourage, you know, everyone to honor silence as just an important part of the conversation. So I've kind of run through some key points to having what, what Susan Scott calls fierce conversations. And these are the things that, that resonate with me, the things that I have to think around being conversational and not confrontational, surfacing the undiscussable, clarifying intention, confronting tough issues directly, and lastly, recognizing or honoring silence. These lessons are all interrelated. They're all interrelated and they're meant to be applied in what I would call a more holistic manner with the objective being have better communication, build better relationships, and just be more effective, be more effective. So the focusing question for you, you're gonna have a tough conversation coming up here today, tomorrow, this week, it's coming, personal or business, it's coming. Which of these principles, if not all of them, should you incorporate? Should you be thinking around so that you are far more productive in the next fierce conversation that you must have? Than you were in previous ones had. That's all I have for you today. The No Days Off podcast. Thank you so much for listening. And remember, every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. So let's get after it.