Ep 246 | Happiness Equals Reality Minus Expectations

Thank you for joining me today. It's Brian Gubernick, and welcome to the No Days Off podcast, where we believe that every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. Let's get into today's topic. I was recently driving back from Las Vegas to Phoenix, about a 4.5-hour drive. And on this drive, or at least a portion of the drive, you know, I drove in silence. I'm sure many of you do this from time to time, just a way to get away or take a break mentally in some regard. Uh, I didn't have a book or an Audible on, I didn't have a podcast on. I just was kind of lost in my thoughts, driving safely, of course. Right. But was just thinking about the real estate conference I had just attended. And was kind of rattling, you know, rolling through some things in my head. One thing I heard at that conference was the equation happiness equals reality minus expectations. Happiness equals reality minus expectations. I was thinking about that equation. As a matter of fact, I think I first heard it. Maybe Ray Dalio, the founder of Bridgewater, a huge hedge fund, when he wrote his book Principles on life and business. Pretty sure Ray talked about happiness and it being, you know, when reality meets expectations or reality minus expectations, something along those lines. I believe Mark Manson, another author, also talks about it. But regardless, I'd heard this at the conference and as I was driving back and it was quiet, I was just kind of thinking through this equation, happiness equals reality minus expectations. And I was thinking to myself, well, there's two primary variables here that affect happiness. There's reality and there are expectations. So if we believe in this equation, which I do, which I do, I kind of rolled through my life and my recent, you know, happiness in different areas. And, you know, I think that when you reconcile or when you consider happiness in your life right now, there's probably a reality versus expectations component there. As I rolled through it and believe this statement, this equation to be true, these two variables, reality and expectations, you got to ask yourself the question. If these are the two variables impacting happiness, how do I control them? How do I influence them? In other words, how do I improve my reality or how do I lower my expectations? Again, the gap between reality and expectations is what we're going to say is happiness. So I want to make that gap even wider. So I've got to either, either improve my reality, lower my expectations, or do both, improve my reality and lower my expectations. Follow me? So I got lost in my thoughts. First question I asked myself, if I believe in this equation, how do I actually go about lowering or managing, better managing my expectations? I don't want to set the bar low per se, but how do I better manage my expectations if I believe in this happiness equation? I think the first thing that came to mind for me was I've got to maybe be more realistic. Now, I don't want to sound like I'm setting the bar low, but I oftentimes do set the bar at what I would deem to be maybe an unrealistic level. I could probably do a better job assessing situations a bit more objectively. And in doing so, maybe set more realistic expectations. So maybe I can look at, you know, objective and available information. Maybe I can look at past experiences. Maybe I can consider other potential variables that might impact the outcome and be a bit more realistic. It's not that I don't want to set the bar high, but if I believe in this equation, I should do a better job managing these expectations by being a bit more realistic. Next thing I was thinking about is as it pertains to managing expectations, I should probably do a better job working through all the different outcomes that are potential, that could potentially occur. So instead of focusing solely on one desired outcome, the one that I'm anchored to or married to, maybe I should consider a range of possible outcomes. This would help me prepare mentally for different scenarios, and that would reduce the impact of unexpected events that would impact these expectations, right? So maybe to better manage my expectations, I needed to think through all of the possible outcomes. I've done a fairly decent job at this. I've gotten better at it over time, but I think I could still improve my performance evaluating the different outcomes and that impacting my expectations of the way in which I manage them. I think, you know, what came to, came to my mind that I jotted down, I've got to differentiate between expectations and hopes. There's a significant difference between realistic expectations and personal hopes or personal desires. It's natural for me to hope for the best. It's probably natural for you to hope for the best, but it's essential to ground your expectations in reality. We just kind of talked about that, about that. So for me, I've got to ask myself, is this something I'm hoping to have happen or is this a realistic expectation? Because hope may increase those expectations to a level, you know, that we just simply can't reach. But objective, realistic expectation sets the bar at the proper level. In addition, the things I could be doing maybe to manage my expectations: look at past experiences. At this stage of my— of the game, for me, I have some similar situations in most scenarios that I could reflect on. And that would help me manage expectations. And I could also, you know, focus maybe a bit more on feedback, like seek feedback, like regularly look for feedback from others to gain different perspectives on my expectations. In other words, before I commit to expectations around something, why don't I go seek input from those whose opinions I very much value. Now that's expectations, man. Like managing expectations is a variable. How about changing your reality, right? If I want to increase performance or increase my reality, again, create a larger gap between reality and expectations. How do I drive reality? I think this one's a little bit more clear-cut, right? How do you drive reality? It's, I think what you're really saying is How do I create more success? And to me, you know what went through my head as I was driving? Clearer goals, breaking down these goals into smaller steps, having a plan, having a growth mindset, meaning that, that challenges are going to be opportunities for learning and growth. I've got to develop great habits, right? These, these increase the potential for a stronger or better reality. I've got to make sure my environment, you know, is supportive. I've got to surround myself with positive influences, right? That are going to inspire and encourage me. I've got to visualize the success and I've got to learn and adapt. Much like managing expectations though, I could also seek professional guidance or mentorship. I need that expertise. I need that advice to increase or improve my reality. And lastly, I think what comes to mind for me, I think about Jocko Willink and Extreme Ownership. I've got to take responsibility. I am responsible for creating positive change. I am responsible for my actions and my decisions, and I have the power to shape this reality. So, you know, I know this is kind of a deep thoughts with Brian being that I was driving and that kind of got lost in my head. But if I believe happiness is reality minus expectations, again, I could either manage my expectations, better manage my expectations, or I can increase or improve my reality, or I can do both. Manage expectations and increase my reality. These are the ways that we would create greater happiness if we, if we believe in these, this equation. Maybe a silly example just to work through. How about your next big vacation, right? You're going on a vacation. You know that happiness equals reality minus expectations. So let's talk about your expectations around this vacation. Are they realistic? Did you ask others that have gone on a like vacation, you know, how, what their experience looked like? Did you consider the various outcomes or different outcomes that could occur? For example, Weather changes things. Uh, inability to do certain things while you're on vacation changes things. Take all these things into consideration. It will help you manage your expectations. How about looking at what you're hoping to occur versus what's a realistic expectation? How about your goals around this vacation? Like, what are you intending on accomplishing? I know it sounds weird to accomplish something on vacation, but for me, My vacation accomplishment is generally, generally around deepening my relationship. So have I defined what that even means with respect to those that are going with me? You can see how this applies. Now, on that same note, when it comes to the reality of that vacation, right? I want to increase the success. I know it might sound crazy to some of you, but if you want to increase your success on your vacation, define what you're really trying to achieve. How are you going to deepen these relationships? What's the plan to doing that? How are you going to have these certain experiences? How are you going to maximize that opportunity? How are you going to soak in every minute? These are the things that would increase the reality, improve the reality. The delta between that reality and the expectations is where the happiness lives. So focusing question for you today. If you want to increase your happiness and you believe in this equation, happiness equals reality minus expectations. Starting today in these various areas in which you, you aim to create even more happiness, how do you manage those expectations and how do you improve the reality so that the gap between those two variables is even greater? And as a result, as a result, there is the possibility that you extract a slight bit more happiness out of whatever it is you, you're intending to you know, to, to dive into, to, to, to be involved with. That's all I have for you today. The No Days Off Podcast. Thank you so much for listening. And remember, every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. So let's get after it.