In this solo episode of the No Days Off podcast, host Brian Gubernick examines why apologies often fail and provides a detailed, actionable framework for delivering sincere, effective apologies. He first outlines common pitfalls—insincerity, lack of accountability, invalidating feelings, repeated offenses, poor timing, expecting immediate forgiveness, and apologizing for the wrong motives—explaining how each undermines trust and can damage relationships. He then presents a step‑by‑step guide: (1) acknowledge the specific mistake, (2) express genuine remorse, (3) be precise about what you’re apologizing for, (4) offer to make amends, (5) commit to changing future behavior, (6) give the other person time, (7) follow through on promises, and (8) reflect and learn from the incident. Throughout, he stresses empathy, responsibility, and the importance of aligning words with actions. The episode concludes with a reflective prompt encouraging listeners to apply the framework to current or past apologies, identify missed steps, and take corrective action.
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Thank you for joining me today. It's Brian Gubernick and welcome to the No Days Off podcast where we believe that every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. Today we are going to get better at saying we're sorry. We're going to get better at apologizing. Now we've probably all screwed this up, or maybe that's just me. All kidding aside, I know I've messed this one up quite a bit. Uh, apologizing, not necessarily when to apologize, but what the process is to actually apologize effectively, making it meaningful. Now, before we could talk about what to do right, let's talk about why apologies go wrong. Why do they go wrong? They go wrong due to a variety of different factors. Some of the common reasons that I researched as to why apologies go wrong, and I'm sure you know most, most all of these. Number 1, insincerity. Insincerity. If the apology comes across as insincere, it goes without saying it's probably not going to be well received. So people can tell when an apology is not genuine, and that's going to lead to it, it failing. Frankly, if they can tell it's not genuine, it actually might further damage the relationship. So lack of sincerity will certainly thwart your, your apology efforts. Next, lack of accountability. Only taking like partial responsibility for the actions instead of full responsibility can undermine the apology. So if you, if you say you're sorry, but then make excuses or say you're sorry, but shift blame, or say you're sorry and downplay the severity of the offense, it can completely invalidate the apology. Speaking of invalidation, invalidating the hurt that you caused is another reason why apologies go sideways. If you try to minimize the other person's feelings or dismiss their pain, your apology can be ineffective. We got to be careful. We got to recognize, we got to acknowledge that there are impacts to to our actions. And we've got to validate the other person's emotions around that. Even if we disagree with the amount of emotion they may have involved in this scenario, they're their feelings, not ours. And we have to validate the other person's emotions. Next, last couple reasons. And there's lots of reasons why apologies go sideways, but you know, some things that I, that I want to place emphasis on. I don't think— maybe, maybe the greatest reason apologies go sideways, at least in my experience, repeat offenses. If apologies become a pattern due to behavior that continues to occur over and over again, those apologies lose their effectiveness. It kind of comes back to the sincerity conversation. The other person is going to doubt your sincerity, doubt the sincerity of your apology, if there's a history of you doing the same stuff over and over again. So repeated offenses. Undermine apologies. Last couple things. Timing. Timing matters. Apologizing at the wrong time or, or in the wrong context can really hurt the effectiveness of an apology. For example, uh, apologizing in public when it should be addressed privately can completely undermine your efforts. Apologizing when the other person's still angry and not ready to listen can really undermine your intention. So timing matters here. Timing matters. Uh, expectation of immediate forgiveness is another reason why apologies sometimes don't work. Expecting the other person to forgive you immediately after apologizing can put pressure on them. And it goes back to that invalidation of feelings, putting pressure on them, expecting them to accept your, uh, apology and immediately forgive, it might invalidate their feelings. Forgiveness takes time for a lot of people, and you got to respect other people's timelines. Last thing, uh, and, and, and a very long list. There's a lot more than this, but last thing that I pay attention to and reasons why apologies, uh, do not go the direction you want: apologizing for the wrong reasons. Apologizing to avoid a conflict or manipulate a situation rather than out of just pure and genuine remorse can completely backfire. So it's important to apologize because you genuinely regret your actions and want to make things right, not because you simply want to avoid a conflict or you simply want to potentially take advantage of a situation. Now, knowing all the reasons why apologies may go sideways and may not work, How do we make certain that we're effective when we say, I am sorry? Here's some steps to guide you through a sincere apology. Number 1, acknowledge your mistake. Clearly state what you did wrong. Take responsibility for those actions. Do not make any excuses. Do not deflect blame. Say something to the extent of, I know I hurt you when I didn't keep my promise. For example, be very specific in acknowledging your mistake. Next, Number 2, express remorse. Show genuine remorse. Let the person know you understand how your behavior affected them. For example, I feel terrible about what I did, and I understand how much it hurt you. That's expressing remorse. Number 3, be specific with the apology. Apologize specifically. Be specific about what you're apologizing for. This demonstrates that you understand the impact of your actions. For example, for example, maybe it's, I apologize for not listening. I apologize for not honoring my commitment. Number 4, offer to make amends. If it's appropriate, offer to make things right or to fix the situation. Or if you don't know, ask the person, ask them, what can, what can I do to make up for my mistake? At least it shows that you're committed to repairing the relationship. Number 5, change behavior. You got to promise to change your behavior in the future. We mentioned why apologies fail sometimes, and that's because of recurring situations, repeat offenses. We've got to change behavior if we want an apology to be effective. Explain how you plan to prevent similar mistakes. For example, I'm committed to being more attentive and supportive in the future. This demonstrates that you're taking steps to improve yourself in that, in that example. Number 6, give the person time. Understand that people take time to process an apology and forgive you. So you gotta be patient. You gotta give them space if in fact that's what they want. Number 7, follow through. If you've promised to make amends or you've promised to change your behavior, make sure you follow through on your commitments. We all know that actions seem to speak louder than words. So demonstrate the sincerity through your behavior over time. And then lastly, in order to have an effective apology, reflect and learn. Take time to reflect on what led to the mistake and what you can learn from the experience and use it as an opportunity to, for you to personally develop, you to personally grow. And ultimately, if done properly, this could lead to improving the relationship that, you know, with the individual to whom you're apologizing. So keep in mind, remember, a sincere apology is more than just saying the words, I'm sorry. It's really about taking responsibility. It's about showing empathy. It's about giving time. It's about being specific, right? And making a genuine effort to repair the damage that's been done. So the focusing question for everybody today, Okay. I know this applies to all of us because we are human and we screw up. And I'm going to guess that 99.99% of us, uh, have screwed up an apology at some point. Maybe it's just simply not saying more than I'm sorry. Maybe it's avoiding the apology. Maybe it's deflecting blame or saying, I'm sorry, but why did you XYZ, right? We've all, we've all screwed up this process. We could all be better. So the focusing question for you today is where is, where does this apply? Maybe it applies today. Like maybe there's something going on today that you need to apologize for and you could use these steps to take action. Or maybe you recently apologized for something, but it didn't have the success that you would have hoped it would have because you were missing a part. Go through this list and ask yourself, did I honor number 2? Did I honor number 4? Did I honor number 7? And you may find that you probably skipped a step or 2 or 3. And you know what? Go back and say to that person, hey, I acknowledge, I recognize something. I realized that I didn't, you know, offer to make amends. I didn't ask you, How do I make things right? Or I realized that I made a promise to change my behavior and I haven't followed through. Here's what I'm going to do next, or whatever it may be. So use this knowledge today to your benefit. Take advantage of all you've learned. That's all we have for you today. The No Days Off podcast. Thank you so much for listening. And remember, every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. So let's get after it.
