Ep 302 | Conversations with Kids

Thank you for joining me today. It's Brian Gubernick, and welcome to the No Days Off podcast, where we believe that every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. First and foremost, I apologize if the sound is not crystal clear today, and if you're watching on YouTube, you probably see an interesting background. That is because I am actually sitting in a hotel room, and while there is quite a glare on the window here, That is the New York City skyline behind me, which is pretty damn cool, I have to say. I've been here a few times but never actually sat across the river from the city. It's pretty amazing and great place to visit. And I've been on a trip now for the past few days, and I've been by myself. And when I'm by myself, you know, I get a chance to reflect. I get a chance to do a lot of thinking. And of course, like many of you, I think about my relationships, I think about my family, and right now I'm thinking a lot about my kids. My kids are finishing school, they're moving on to new grades, um, they're both maturing, and we're having new conversations. We're always having different conversations, and I do think a lot around, you know, different things I could bring up to them, how to frame certain conversations, how to build deeper relationships, and I'll Be candid. It is really freaking hard. It is a really hard thing to do, to be able to connect with your kid as they mature and they go through things and your relationship changes with them, you know, usually for the better, of course, but it did, the dynamics change. And I've been thinking a lot about how to continue to build a strong relationship with my girls. And one thing I started looking at about a month ago, I came across an ad for these cards that are basically question cards, something like icebreaker type of cards that you can order and you get a box of cards. And there's all— I mean, there's some for icebreakers, there's some for relationships with your significant other. I actually bought one for the kids for questions to have or dinner conversations to have with the kids. And I was sorting through this box of cards, and I don't remember, there's maybe 100 different questions or something like that. You pull a card out, you read the question, and you're supposed to discuss it. I don't necessarily run the program that way, but I do find some of my favorite questions, and I pulled 8 of them that stood out to me that I thought I ought to share with you. Now, if you don't have kids, you can still play along here because you may have nieces, you may have nephews, may have younger people in your world elementary school kids, tweens, teens, that, you know, your world is quite a bit different than, than theirs. So how do you, how do you strike up a conversation? What do you discuss? I'm going to share with you the 8 conversations that I chose that I'm going to start asking, the questions I'm going to ask around dinnertime when we're all sitting down together and the family is looking to bond. Number 1, here's the question: if I said yes to anything What would you ask me? If I said yes to anything, what would you ask me? Kind of a dangerous question. But what it does is allow you to kind of get into your kid's world. You know, see what their biggest wish is. I can't wait to hear the answer to that question. If I said yes to anything, what would you ask me? The next question I wrote down, not one I would typically ask, but I kind of like this one because it is atypical, because it's different. What was your rose, bud, and thorn of today? So what was your rose, bud, and thorn of today? Which means you're asking the kid, you're asking the tween, the teen, to reflect on what was good, what was new, and what was tough. Rose is what was good, bud would be what was new, and thorn, of course, is what was tough. So what was your rose, what was your bud, and what was your thorn? Of today. Question 3 of the 8 that I'm gonna break out in these dinner conversations with the kids: if you could be any animal, what would you be and why? Kind of a funny one, a playful question, but it allows you to get to know your kid a bit more intimately, and it's engaging and it's funny, and the answers I know I get— I'm gonna get— are going to be so goofy And I'm really curious to hear what they have to say. If you could be any animal, what would you be and why? My guess is I'm always going to get a different answer every time I ask it. And I'm not quite sure what my answer would be, but I would have to think about that one. Next question: What superpower would you want and why? Again, another playful question, but I want to hear what's going on in their head, what kind of creative answer they may have. I want to especially know why do you want that superpower. I'm not necessarily looking to dig. I mean, I'm sure it's gonna be playful or fun, but you know, why do you want to be invisible? Why do you want to fly? Why do you want to have, you know, the ability to shoot fire from your fingertips or whatever these kids choose? What superpower would you want and why? Next, what was one kind thing you saw someone do today? Now, I was thinking I'd originally asked this question as, what is one kind thing you did today? But that's a different question that puts pressure on the child to give an answer. So instead, what was one kind thing you saw someone do today? And what does this do? You are kind of covertly encouraging kindness. You're making sure that your, your kid is aware of kindness and how they could be kind, and, and also of observing others doing kind things. So what was one kind thing you saw someone do today? Another great question: What was one mistake that you made today? Now, this is a fun one for me because I really want to normalize mistakes. I want to encourage trying hard, which sometimes results in failure. So what was one mistake you made today? Number one, the answer is going to be great, but number two, again, just the simple fact that you're having these conversations at the table, you know, brings the guard down, makes them understand that, hey, mistakes are part of life. It's how you learn, it's how you grow. Next question: What's one new thing that you learned today? Now, for me, I'm gonna have to kind of, you know, ask this question a certain way because I don't want to imply that the learning has to only be done in school. So what's one thing that you learned today in school, outside of school, observing life, experiencing life? I want to encourage a growth mindset. I want to remind the kids that there's no days off in terms of getting better. They can get better each and every day. And I want them to learn and I want them to grow every single day. So what's one new thing that you learned today? If I ask that question every day, what kind of mindset might that kid develop? Last question for you of the 8: What is one thing you want me to know about you? Now, this is a pretty deep question, and I don't know the frequency at which you could ask this one. In my house, 13-year-old, 11-year-old daughters, me constantly saying, "What's one thing you want me to know about you?" It's a pretty heavy question, but I want to understand their inner narrative. I want to understand how they see themselves. Now, I also want to give them permission to ask me, you know, the same questions here. What is one thing you want to know about me? What's one thing you want to know about me? It's a really— like, I mean, I better be prepared to answer if I get a good question. So, I ran through these questions. You're probably gonna have to replay the episode to get them all down. It may— maybe these questions work for you, or maybe this sparked some thoughts in your mind about conversations to be had. Here's where I'm going with this. I had amazing parents. I have amazing parents. I grew up in a great household. They were encouraging. They pushed me. They were supportive. I mean, I'm very blessed. But one thing we didn't really have was deep conversation around life, relationships, money, wealth, business, entrepreneurship. We didn't have these structured conversations at the dinner table. Just wasn't the way I grew up. And frankly, I don't think my generation grew up that way. And I'm not sad about it. I'm not mad about it. It's just the way my household was. And I think we could learn from the things that we experienced growing up, and it shapes how we want our kids and the young ones around us to be raised. And so, for me, having transparent, good dialogue at the table, at dinner, and making it an opportunity for the family to bond is an important thing. Now, the number one thing you have to do is make sure you're having dinner together, which is really hard with kids and activities and all of that. But when you get those opportunities, even if it's once a week, make sure you use that time wisely. Make sure that you create some good conversation. Many of you know how I feel, and I know you feel the same way, that, you know, recognizing that time on this earth is finite, the days on earth are finite, and time with your kids, you know, is limited, right, before they go off and start their own lives. So the deeper conversations you can have, the deeper the bond you are going to forge with with those kids, with those young people in your life. I'd like to think it's a really great, healthy thing to do. So the focusing question for you, of course, is of these questions, which ones can you potentially use at the table with your family tonight? Or again, if you don't have kids of your own, how can you use these questions to engage with those that are young, those younger people around you? If it's not these questions, what questions do you have in mind that instead of having some goofy, you know, conversation that doesn't have much meaning, you can deepen that meaning, meaning, and therefore form a deeper bond. That's all I have for you today from New York City. I'm Brian Guberdich, The No Days Off Podcast. Thank you so much for listening, and remember, every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. So let's get after it.