Ep 311 | Never Shoot the 2nd Arrow

Thank you for joining me today. It's Brian Gubernick, and welcome to the No Days Off podcast, where we believe that every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. Recently, I heard a phrase that I think will very much appeal to you. It's maybe something that the concept at least you're familiar with. You've heard, heard this before, the concept that is. I don't know if you've heard the phrase. And since I've heard this phrase, I've been thinking about it nonstop. The phrase is really simple. It's really short. It's never shoot the second arrow. Never shoot the second arrow. And this phrase is attributed to Buddha. Of all, of all places to attribute it to, Buddha. Never shoot the second arrow. It refers to this idea that while we may not be able to control the first arrow of pain or of suffering that, say, life throws at us, we can actually avoid shooting a second arrow by not adding unnecessary suffering through our reactions, maybe our anger or self-pity or resentment or just knee-jerk reaction. This teaching is part of Buddhist philosophy, and it emphasizes, of course, self-awareness and mindfulness and the importance of really managing our responses to suffering. So what would be an example of this concept in action? Let's talk about job loss. Okay, let's, let's make believe that Julie, in this particular example, unexpectedly loses her job due to company downsizing. Now, this initial pain or suffering that Julie experiences, it's challenging. It of course is going to give her a natural feeling of maybe shock or worry or even sadness. There's going to be some stress there. That's the first arrow, right? The company downsizes. And this, in this example, Julie loses her job. And there's this initial wave of pain or of suffering that she experiences because she's human. Now, the second arrow, instead of processing these feelings in a constructive way and moving forward, Julie, in this example, begins to engage in, say, negative self-talk. She's saying things to herself like, "Man, I'm a failure," or, "I'll never find another job," or, "I'm not good enough." Furthermore, in this example, with respect to the second arrow, Julie starts to isolate herself. She isolates herself from friends and from family. Maybe she's feeling ashamed. Maybe she's embarrassed about the job loss. She begins to neglect her health. She starts to eat poorly or maybe starts to sleep poorly. Maybe she stops exercising. And she spends way more time ruminating about the unfairness of the situation and maybe even blaming herself. This is the second arrow. What are the consequences to this second arrow effect? As you can see through this example I'm giving, maybe there's a mental health impact, mental health deterioration. There's negative self-talk, constantly thinking about the past is bringing about anxiety. There's maybe some strained relationships, right? She's isolated herself in this particular example, and she's creating distance from her support network, and it's making it hard to get some sort of emotional support. Her physical health is declining. She's reducing her job prospects. The longer she's in this negative mindset, the longer her health continues to deteriorate. It's going to make her— make it harder for her to be proactive in finding the next opportunity and networking and even taking interviews, let alone performing well in interviews. Now, what could have Julie done differently in this particular situation? She experienced the first arrow, which was the pain that came with the job loss. But instead of being constructive in the way that she dealt with that pain, she shot a second arrow. And that second arrow was this negative self-talk and feeling bad for herself and therefore isolating herself and deteriorating her health and all these things. How could she have avoided the second arrow? What could she have done? Well, I'll tell you what goes through my mind. Number one, Julie could have looked for some support. She could have reached out to friends, she could have talked to family, maybe even she talked— maybe even talked to a therapist. Bottom line is she could have gotten with some support. and that support would have been constructive. Ideally, I think it'd be constructive, and it would have given her perspective on all that she was experiencing. She could have, instead of criticizing herself, maybe practice some self-compassion. She could have reminded herself that job loss is, is pretty common, and it's not a reflection of her worth. She could have taken a positive step forward immediately, like a positive action. Remember just the other day, a couple days ago, we did an episode on the way to cure anxiety, and that is through action. And the action we were talking about is any positive action, moving, anything that moves you forward, even any small step. Julie, in this particular example, instead of shooting that second arrow, she could have just taken a positive action. She could have used time to maybe immediately update her resume or learn a new skill or begin to network or, figure out the positive to what she was experiencing, maybe even leading to a better opportunity. Rather than, you know, lay off of her health and her working out and her diet, she could have doubled down on some of these things because that new energy around working out and, and eating even better and sleeping even more so might have put her in a completely different state of mind. So by avoiding the second arrow, Julie manages the initial pain more effectively and takes constructive, constructive steps moving forward, which reduces the additional suffering and improves her overall well-being. So this phrase of never shooting the second arrow, in the example I gave around job loss, I mean, that was a pretty basic, straightforward example. But there are so many places in our, in our respective worlds in your world where this applies. You have an initial conversation and that conversation doesn't go the direction it needs to go. As a matter of fact, it takes a wrong turn and maybe it escalates and maybe emotion comes about or even anger. And then rather than walking away, you shoot the second arrow. And you know, I don't have to go into too much detail. We've all been there. You say the thing that you know is going to get a rise out of the, out of the other side of the conversation, and now you are, you were, you're in deep shit. Or maybe you make a mistake, the first arrow, in say your work or a project or whatever it may be, and rather than looking at that mistake, adjusting immediately you try to mask it or you double down on it in hopes that it changes. That's firing a second arrow. Again, the idea here is first arrow might be the mistake and there's going to be an initial wave of consequence to that. But rather than doubling down on that and shooting the second arrow, there are so many more constructive things you could do. So the focusing question for you today Where are you shooting some second arrows? Where have you shot a second arrow? Or what do you have you're dealing with right now where you're potentially pulling that bow back right now to fire that second arrow? And instead of doing that, you know, moving forward, what's a more constructive step you can take? For me, I'll tell you, in reading this or coming across this quote and really processing it over the past you know, handful of weeks. No surprise. But I think for me, the, the best way for me to not fire a second arrow is to create some space between whatever I first experienced and whatever my reaction could or should be, right? So something happens, and rather than immediately reacting, what I need to do is create time. And that time allows me to assess my feelings more objectively, my response more objectively, and may save me from firing a second arrow. So where might this apply in your world, in your relationships, in your health, in your business, and all the things that we talk about here at the No Days Off Podcast? That's all I have for you today. No Days Off Podcast, thank you so much for listening. And remember, every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. So let's get after it.