Ep 423 | I Recently Lost Trust in Someone...What Happened?

Thank you for joining me today. It's Brian Gubernick, and welcome to the No Days Off podcast, where we believe that every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. Let's talk about trust today. Trust, something we've talked about quite a bit here at No Days Off. We've dedicated episodes to the concept of the discussion around trust, but the reality is it shows up, this topic shows up somehow, some way, pretty much every single week in the episodes, in the content that we put out. But today I want to focus around an experience that I recently had and, and explain kind of what transpired and how maybe I lost trust for an individual that I hope to, I hope to gain back. First, I want to start with a couple quotes on trust, things that quotes that I came across that really kind of, I guess, explained or demonstrated what trust really means. Stephen Covey says, "Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships." Warren Buffett says, and you know Warren's a favorite, Warren Buffett says, "Trust is like the air we breathe. When it's present, nobody really notices. When it's absent, everybody notices." The last quote I wanna share comes from Brené Brown. "Trust is earned in the smallest of moments. It is earned not through grand gestures, but through paying attention, listening, and honoring commitments." I think we could all agree trust plays a pretty big role in our professional worlds, in our personal worlds. Now, many episodes back, I think it was first, uh, talked about in episode 44, I discussed the trust triangle. Go back to that episode if you want to deep dive into the trust triangle. It was based on an article published in the Harvard Business Review in 2020, and it was a framework that highlighted the essential elements needed to build and to maintain trust, especially in, in a professional setting. What I talked about and what that article talked about is how trust is really built through 3 core drivers. Okay, there's 3 core drivers. Number 1, authenticity. Authenticity is a core driver of trust. What does that mean? It's about being genuine. It's about being honest. When people sense that you're putting on a facade or you're not being your true self, they may feel wary or, or distrustful. So authenticity involves being consistent with your values and your actions so that people feel like they're dealing with the real you. So core pillar number 1 is authenticity. Number 2 is logic. This refers to the soundness of your reasoning, the clarity of your reasoning. If people find your logic flawed or find it inconsistent, they can't follow your reasoning, they start to doubt your competence. Building trust involves communicating ideas clearly and backing up the statements with sound reasoning, with solid reasoning and data. So if you wobble a bit in your logic, you tend to lose trust. Lastly, the last component of the Trust Triangle, the 3 core elements, is empathy. What's empathy? Showing that you genuinely care about someone else's perspectives or someone's feelings. This is essential. When people feel you understand them, when they feel that you appreciate their emotions, they're more likely to trust you. Empathy creates this connection where people feel valued and they feel respected. So if one of these three pillars weakens, trust starts to break down. In the past few weeks, I personally have gone through this with, with another individual, and I wanted to share these experiences so that you can, uh, maybe look at some relationships you're, you're struggling with. Maybe trust is the issue. Maybe there's something you can relate to here or draw from this and put into action such that you can solve for the challenge, much like frankly, I'm attempting to do. I'm in the midst of it right now. See, I have this person in, in my world who is, is really intelligent, really kind, um, means, means well, absolutely. And in the past few weeks, uh, I've felt something weird or, or strange between the two of us. Uh, I, I don't know, I started, I started doubting this individual. I started not really wanting to connect or talk with this individual. Frankly, they became, you know, someone that used to give me energy, they became someone that took energy away. This person, what I've discovered or what I've realized in that, and I've been assessing this, right? I've been thinking it through. What I realized is I lost trust. I lost trust in this person. I lost trust in this person not because they lack empathy. As a matter of fact, this is probably one of the most caring individuals I know. She cares about my perspective. She cares about my feelings. She, she listens. She's a great listener. So it wasn't about empathy, and it wasn't about authenticity. I believe that she's pretty genuine and honest. I believe that she's being her true self. I, I actually believe in, in how she shows up, and I think she's pretty consistent, and, and she honors her values. So I do feel like I'm dealing with the real, the real her. See, what I, what I discovered was the wobble in her trust triangle, or at least my perspective on this, right? Because I certainly could be wrong, but my perspective— and I'm the one that lost trust in this person— My issue is with her logic. What I've discovered is that I doubt the soundness and the clarity of her reasoning. I find the logic to maybe be inconsistent, and I'm having a lot of trouble following the reasoning. And so I'm doubting her ability or, or her competence, which sounds rather harsh. I'm just, you know, being very, very clear, and, and I don't, I don't want to give confuse anything here, I'm struggling with her logic. And so as a result, while she is incredibly authentic and certainly empathetic, because I'm starting to question the logic, what I found is I lost trust in this particular individual. Now, let me be clear, I want to trust this individual. And it took me a couple weeks to kind of think through this and figure out, What went wrong? And I'm not even saying that she's necessarily illogical. My perspective is that there's, there's lack of logic and I could be wrong. So what do I have to do? Well, that logic pillar has weakened. Trust is therefore broken down. So what has to occur now is that while she's authentic and she's empathetic, but in my opinion, lacks some clear logic. I'm starting to doubt her capabilities and her decisions. We have to have a conversation, and I've got to understand, you know, what's going on. Why do I feel the way I do? I want to share my thoughts in terms of where I think the logic broke down, where I think the capabilities, at least from my perspective, are in doubt, and then let her help me understand or explain her, her reasoning, her position, what she sees. And then listen with an open mind and an open heart as to what's going on. My hope is that having this direct, this fierce conversation, if you want to call it that, we will reinstill the trust. We will rebuild that trust. Now, in all fairness, I would guess that she probably feels a similar way about me. In other words, maybe she's not trusting me either, and that's created, you know, some of that weirdness. If I go back to the trust triangle, you have authenticity, you have logic, and you have empathy. Uh, I know myself, and I know that my logic usually is not questioned. Certainly has been from time to time, but usually not my wobble. Authenticity is not usually my wobble. I mean, I'm usually perceived as genuine and honest. My wobble, not surprisingly to some of you that know me, is in empathy, is in showing that I genuinely care about someone else's perspective and someone else's feelings. Now, actually, I mean, I always, I actually always care about someone's perspective and feelings, but the way that I might portray it or not portray it at all may be my challenge. People don't feel sometimes with me understood or, or that I'm appreciative of their emotions. So in all fairness to the person on the other side of the table, she may feel like, hey, I'm having trouble explaining my logic because you don't seem to really care about my feelings or my perspective. Really interesting dynamic to think around. And again, I'm going to look in the mirror and I'm trying to assess how I'm behaving too. So the hope here is that in breaking down these components, you know, these 3 core elements of the trust triangle, authenticity, logic, and empathy, and understanding where my wobble's at as well as where the person across the table's wobble is at, that we can have frank and direct and transparent conversation and remedy, fix, you know, the challenge. Fix the disconnect. I want to fix this, the disconnect, because this person's important in my life. This person's important in my business, in my personal world. So I'm going to do everything I can to fix it. And I think it starts with this sort of assessment, this sort of analysis. So what's the takeaway for you today? I'm going to guess that there's a person or two or three in your world right now where you're just not jiving the way you used to. There is a chance that part of the reason, if not the sole reason you're not jiving, is because there's an issue with trust. Maybe you didn't realize it was trust, but it very well could be trust. Your trust in them or their trust in you. What I'd like to challenge you to do today is look at authenticity. Look at logic and look at empathy, knowing that they're the 3 core elements of trust, and see maybe where that person's not showing up or missing the mark, as well as maybe look in the mirror and see where you're not showing up. And again, recognizing this, being— bringing awareness to it, we can now do something about it. So my challenge is do the analysis, you know, break down these relationships, do the analysis, look at yourself in the mirror, and And then of course, no surprise, go take action. That's all I have for you today, the No Days Off Podcast. Thank you so much for listening. And remember, every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. So let's get after it.