Ep 604 | The Trap of Victim Culture and How to Escape It

Thank you for joining me today. It's Brian Gubernick, and welcome to the No Days Off podcast, where we believe that every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. Today I'd like to talk about something that I think is showing up everywhere right now. Maybe I'm just more sensitive to it. Maybe I clicked on something on Instagram and And I'm seeing different things pop up as a result. But I think it's, I think it's everywhere, what I want to talk about. And I think no one wants to admit that maybe even they're part of it. And that's this, this victim culture that I think is rather pervasive right now in our world. You've probably seen it, maybe you've lived it, maybe you're even in it right now. Blaming others, waiting for some sort of break to happen for you, feeling like the world is a little stacked against you. Hey, I get it, sort of, right? Like, life is hard. But I think the moment that we actually decide that the world owes us something, we end up losing all of our power. I think today's episode is gonna about— is gonna be about that, recognizing that you know, when you think the world owes you something, you lose your power. And then how to take that power back. It's something I'm clearly a little passionate about right now because there's a lot of peers of mine, people that I, that I, that I'm friends with and, and, and respect, that I'm seeing them make certain comments, or I'm hearing them make certain comments. And maybe it's just where we're at in the, in the economy, the market, or politics. And it feels a little bit like that victim culture I'm talking about. So let's talk about taking our power back. Let's first start though, I want to be clear around what I mean when I say victim culture. What I think victim culture truly is, is it's a mindset. It's not this specific group of people. It's not a political party. It's not a personality type. I think it's the belief that external forces control your outcomes more than your own actions. I think it's where blame starts to replace responsibility and where complaining starts to really replace progress. I think this victim culture in a weird sort of way is pretty seductive too, because it can make you feel better. It can make you feel morally superior. If someone else maybe wronged you, then you don't have to do anything but wait for justice. That might feel good. Until you maybe realize years have passed and nothing has changed. Here's where, you know, some examples where I see this show up. Let's talk around maybe the business owner who's right now blaming the market. So, every single quarter or every month revenue is dropping and the excuse starts to always be the same. Well, the market's slow or the leads aren't any good or interest rates are too high. But then you look around and, you know, another business just down the street is actually growing in the same market, but clearly just a different mindset. I think you see this in the employee who maybe never gets promoted. Maybe she says there's politics involved or favoritism or a bad boss. And yes, those things are true from time to time. But if I were to ask her, hey, tell me about the skills you've added, or tell me what problems you've solved, some really big problems you've solved for this company, I might be met with some silence. I think victim culture convinces you you're owed more without actually giving more. Recently, I was watching a documentary and I saw this victim culture show up. It was a sports documentary where the athlete was really blaming the coach. He was saying how he wasn't in the starting roster because the coach doesn't like him. But then as you watch the documentary, you see him kind of lazy relative to his teammates. He's late to practice. He's not watching film. He's half-assing his strength training. And I, and I remember thinking, well, that victim culture is really shielding him from the truth. The bottom line is he wasn't putting in the work. So, as we're talking around this victim culture, and we're all susceptible to it, how do you go about spotting it in yourself? Here's some questions I would ask. Here's questions I ask myself. First, do I complain more than I take action? Do I complain more than I take action? Next, am I waiting for someone else to change so I can succeed? Maybe another question: Do I avoid feedback because it makes me uncomfortable? And then lastly, am I more, more focused on being right than getting better? Here's the, here's the tough truth. Here's the reality. When you're living in victim culture, you actually don't feel weak. You actually feel justified, which is fascinating. But I'll tell you what, at least in my experience, being justified doesn't pay your bills. Being justified doesn't make you stronger. Justified certainly doesn't create momentum, momentum. So how do we then opt out of this victim culture? I think number one, we've got to take this kind of extreme ownership, radical ownership. Not too long ago, we were talking about Jocko Willink. I think we got to take a page out of Jocko's book. At the end of the day, everything is your fault, even, even when it's not. That sort of mindset, I think, gives you leverage. You can't control the market, okay, true, but you can control your service, you can control your product, your marketing, your hustle. So stop asking who's to blame and start asking What can I build from this? What can I learn from this? So, number 1, it's radical ownership. Number 2, replace complaint with contribution. Whenever you feel the urge to complain, I want you to ask, what could I do right now that would move this forward? I think that momentum is really the antidote to any sort of victimhood. So, replace complaint with contribution. Next, this— I'm a broken record on this one. I want you to audit your environment, audit your circle. Are you surrounded by a bunch of victims, or are you surrounded by victors? That's a great question to ask. Do your friends push you to level up, or do they pull you into a shared sort of misery? Victim culture is incredibly contagious. But so is Extreme Ownership. So, choose your circle wisely. And then lastly, I want you to start telling yourself a different story. What do I mean when I say that? I think the narrative is everything. Victims say things like, "This happened to me." But then leaders say things like, "This happened for me." There's a big difference between saying, "This happened to me," and, "This happened for me." One makes you bitter, the other actually makes you better. So, I get it, life isn't fair and some people certainly start, you know, steps and steps and steps ahead of us. Others get knocked down for no reason. But if you're listening to the No Days Off podcast, I can tell you this, the most dangerous thing that I think you can do is actually wait for fairness. Instead, I want to encourage you to choose ownership. I want you to choose action. I want you to choose to be the kind of person who I think builds instead of blames. So, today or this week, the action step for you, catch yourself. Anytime you start to complain, stop. Write down maybe what you can control, even if it's just your attitude or your effort. And then act on it. I think ownership is a lot— is much like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger you get. That's all I have for you today, the No Days Off Podcast. Thank you so much for listening. And remember, every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. So let's get after it.