Ep 631 | Why Some Givers Finish First (and Others Last)

Thank you for joining me today. It's Brian Gubernick, and welcome to the No Days Off podcast, where we believe that every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. In business, we are taught that the nice guys tend to finish last. In life, we're kind of taught that nice guys— we hear it, we read it somewhere— nice guys finish last. That if you, that if you give too much, you might be taken advantage of, or you might be walked over, or even left behind. Well, Adam Grant, author— you may, you may have heard of him before— he's a, he's a psychologist that teaches at University of Pennsylvania at Wharton. Uh, as I mentioned, best-selling author. Uh, he runs a really popular podcast. Super smart guy. Well, he flipped that idea, the one I just started with, he kind of flipped it on its head. In his book, Give and Take, which is one he wrote a little while back, it was the first Adam Grant piece I had ever read. In his book, Give and Take, he makes a really, really powerful observation that I want to tackle today. He finds that the people who finish at the very top of the ladder and the people who sink to the bottom, they actually share the same style. They're both givers. The people that finish at the top and the people that finish at the bottom, they are both givers. So the question then becomes, why do some givers rise while other givers fail? That's, that's what I want to tackle today. So Adam Grant lays out three reciprocity styles. In his book, he talks about the takers, the matchers, and the givers. So the takers, they're the ones that want more than they actually give. They're the ones that in business angle for advantage. They're, they're, they're takers. And then the matchers, they're the ones that look to play fair, like I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine. So they're kind of in that, that middle of the road. And then you have the givers. They're the ones that help others with no immediate strings attached. Adam Grant studied thousands of people across many different industries. He studied engineers, salespeople, entrepreneurs, corporate jockeys, and the data was overwhelmingly clear. The givers were both the least successful and the most successful, which to me I found to be fascinating. At the bottom, those that were least successful, they were givers who burned out or givers who, who gave away too much or couldn't protect themselves from the takers, be it with their time, their services, whatever it may, it may have been. They were taken advantage of. The givers at the bottom. Now, the givers at the top, these were givers who built trust, goodwill, networks, and these things paid back tenfold. That's the paradox. That's what I find super interesting. The question is, how do you make sure your giving puts you on the right side of that equation? Adam Grant talks a lot about obviously giving, but he kind of dives into the danger of selfless, selfless giving. Selfless giving feels pretty noble, but it's also a trap in many ways. These are the givers who say yes to every request, maybe every coffee meeting, maybe every favor, and they put everyone else's goals ahead of their own, and they may feel good in the moment, You may recognize some of these people in your world right now. The result though, for a lot of these individuals that given the, in the nature I just described, they end up exhausted. They end up overlooked. Sometimes they even end up resentful. Their generosity actually undermines their influence. I think this is why Grant draws a line between selfless givers and then what he calls other-ish givers. And let me explain. When he talks around the other-ish giver, he's talking about strategic giving. Strategic givers are intentional. They help others, but they do it in ways that sustain their own energy and they do it in ways that, that advance their own values. So some, some tactics to think around to put this into practice, and you'll understand what I'm talking about. Number 1, strategic givers play the long game. They don't give with the expected expectation of some sort of immediate return, but they do recognize that giving builds goodwill, and goodwill compounds. Like, they're aware of that. They're not just giving freely, freely necessarily, but they're recognizing that they're building something in terms of goodwill, and that's gonna compound over time. Adam Grant's research showed that engineers, for example, who shared their knowledge freely actually outperformed peers in the long run because they became the go-to experts. And as a result, they advanced their careers. So an engineer specifically in that, that industry or that area of work giving their knowledge freely became go-to experts. So it was freely given information, but there was a strategy of some sort behind that. It was strategic. So again, number 1, strategic givers play the long game. Number 2, strategic givers give from strength and not from weakness. See, winners give where they have unique leverage. So instead of saying yes to, to every request, They say yes to things that maybe cost them a little but mean a lot to others. For example, maybe it's taking a few minutes to make an introduction. Doesn't take a lot out of you but means a lot to someone else. Maybe it's giving a quick piece of advice. Doesn't take a lot out of you but it means a lot to someone else. Maybe it's a resource that they already have at hand, they're just kind of put it in front of someone else. This is coming from strength, not coming from weakness. Now, number 3, in terms of strategic giving tactics, strategic givers batch and bound. What do I mean when I say that? Strategic givers don't spread theirsel— themselves thin by saying yes all week long. They actually block time to give. Maybe it's Friday mornings are for mentoring. Or Friday mornings are for introductions. And then they set some boundaries around this. Adam Grant himself says, being a giver doesn't mean saying yes to everything. It means saying yes to things that matter most. And then lastly, strategic givers do a great job in terms of guarding against takers. Strategic givers are generous. They're very generous, but they're not naive. They spot patterns. If someone repeatedly extracts value but never creates it, that's a taker. And takers will happily drain you until you're completely empty. Strategic givers cut those ties pretty quickly. I want you to think about maybe some of the elite, the leaders that you most admire. I would bet you chances are high that those leaders you most admire, they're givers. They share ideas freely. They mentor generously. They open doors for others, but they're also not martyrs, meaning that they know when to give, how to give, and how to protect their own energy so they keep showing up at a high level. I think that that's the big difference. The losers give without thought— losers being the, you know, winners and losers, as I was mentioning earlier— the losers tend to give without thought, and the winners give with purpose. I could tell you personally I went through an evolution on this because I would give freely, nonstop, especially early in my career. I wanted to do right by everyone to the point where, you know, I was stressed by it if I ever felt like I wasn't delivering something. And it was— it wasn't even like something they were depending on me to do. Like, I wanted to be seen as generous. I wanted to be that guy. I liked the feeling, but I also, as a result, know for certain that I was definitely taken advantage of many times over. And over the course of my career, I still wanted to be that giver. And I remember when I read this book, I, I really learned, like, it's okay to still be a giver, but you've got to do it with some strategy. You've got to be a little bit more calculated. And I want to be clear, That doesn't mean that I give expecting something in return, but I do give knowing that there's takers out there. I do give in a more structured sort of way. I do come from strength and not from weakness. And I am always thinking about, in terms of giving, I don't know, maybe this will pay off down the road. In other words, what's the long game? So I think the lesson to all of us All of this that we've discussed today is that generosity isn't optional if you want lasting success. But generosity without boundaries, it could make you weak. Strategic, intentional generosity could actually make you unstoppable. So, here's the action item I have for you today. Here's your challenge. I want you to pick maybe one person this week that you can help with a high-leverage give. High leverage, high leverage being I'm going to help them there and maybe this pays off down the road. And pick one request on the other side of this, pick one request you're actually going to say no to. I think this is the discipline of, of winning givers. They protect their energy and they multiply their impact as a result. That's all I have for you today, the No Days Off Podcast. Thank you so much for listening. And remember, every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. So let's get after it.