Ep 673 | The Work Behind Great Relationships

Thank you for joining me today. It's Brian Gubernick, and welcome to the No Days Off podcast, where we believe that every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. We have all been sold a lie about relationships. That lie is that the good ones, the good relationships, are effortless. That when you meet the, the right person or friendship or love or business partnership, whatever it is, that they should just work. But I don't think that that's true. I think the best relationships don't run on luck. They run on work. Carl Jung once said, the meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances. If there is any reaction, both are transformed. Relationships are not meant to stay static. They evolve. Relationships stretch us, and that likely means they demand something from us, be it attention, generosity, humility, practice. Today we're going to talk about the 7 principles of great relationships. Not, not necessarily romantic ones only, but every relationship that matters— your partner, your kids, your team, your friends. I don't think this is about manipulation or tactics. I think it's about becoming the kind of person who builds great relationships, because great relationships are in fact built. They're, they're not found. Now, relationships fall into 3 categories. And this is according to Shane Parrish, who's someone I, I oftentimes read or listen to his blog and his podcast, things like that. I think he does a great job talking around relationships as well as mental models and all sorts of other things. But Shane says relationships fall into 3 categories. They're either win-win, win-lose, or lose-lose. You've probably seen all 3. You've seen friendships where one person takes and takes. That's a win-lose. You've seen couples who exhaust each other. Both are probably miserable. That's a lose-lose. And then there are the rare ones, the win-win relationships, where both people make each other better. Both give, and therefore both grow. But win-win, of course, isn't automatic. It's built through mutual benefit over time. Which means it's about asking yourself, hey, am I giving energy to this relationship or just taking it? Am I adding value to this person's life or silently keeping score? When both sides focus on contribution, not credit, the relationship compounds. Here's the paradox: when you stop keeping score, everybody wins more. So principle number 1 of the 7 is make it win-win. Make the relationship win-win. Principle number 2 is to opt for the most charitable interpretation. Let me explain. When someone does something that frustrates us, our mind starts to write a story and it writes that story pretty fast. We start saying things like, they're ignoring me, or they don't care, or they did that on purpose. But I'd ask, what if you're wrong? See, strong relationships are built on generosity of interpretation. What do I mean when I say that? When something goes sideways, assume good intent first. Maybe your, your friend or your partner was distracted. Maybe your partner or friend was stressed. Maybe your employee misunderstood, not ignored, your instructions. Psychologists call this positive illusions. And couples who stay together longer consistently choose the most charitable explanation for each other's behavior. Here's why. Here's why that matters. When you assume malice, you create it. And when you assume goodwill, you tend to nurture it. Hanlon's Razor, which is a mental model, says never attribute to malice that which can be explained by incompetence. I think in relationships, Hanlon's Razor is in fact gold, because if you always assume the worst, you'll start to see it even when it's not there. Now, principle 3 of 7 for, for strong relationships: pay attention and be present. There's been studies for decades of couples, and, and there's this one simple truth that always shows up. Happy couples turn toward each other's bids for attention, the small everyday invitations to connect. A comment about a long day, a joke, a look, a story you've already heard 10 times over. When someone reaches for connection and you turn toward them, you're saying, "Hey, I see you." And the happiest couples turn toward each other Nearly every time, 90% of the time. And the ones who are unhappy or maybe even divorced turn toward each other maybe only 30% of the time. I don't think that that's marriage science. I think that's leadership science. When someone on your team walks in your office and says, "You got a minute?" That, that's a bid for attention there. How you respond determines your culture. It's easy to scroll your phone and nod absently or you know, just sort of half listen to them. But the best leaders and the best partners, they're present. I think these small acts of attention add up to deep reservoirs of trust. Principle number 4 of 7: use active, generous listening. Now, it's a little bit different than the last one, okay? Last one was pay attention and be present. Principle 4 is use active, generous listening. Everyone says, of course, communication is key, but most people think communication means talking better. Well, it doesn't. It means listening better in most cases. Active listening isn't passive. It's, again, it's intentional, hence why it's active. It means you're not waiting to talk. It means you're working to understand. It means you're not thinking about your next point. You're studying you know, theirs and listening to theirs. A good conversation should feel like a game of catch. You can't throw more than you catch. It's back and forth. You throw so the other person can catch it easily. And that's how trust grows through that sort of reciprocity. So when you listen generously, people feel heard. And when people feel heard, they tend to open up. And when they open up, Of course, truth is what services. That's where the connection lives. Now, Principle 5. Stick with me. We have just a few more. You get what you give and what you expect. You get what you give and what you expect. People tend to live up to their expectations. In other words, again, you get what you expect, not what you demand. When you expect greatness in people, they, they tend to rise to it. When you expect disappointment, you'll probably find it. Because you'll create the conditions for it. That's this kind of mediocrity by design that low expectations tend to lead to. We've all done it, you know, carrying baggage from a bad partnership or past betrayal and assuming this new person is going to hurt us too. But that sort of suspicion is what, what will kill connection. If you want people to trust you, you got to start by trusting them. Here's the trick. When someone meets or exceeds your expectations, tell them. Reinforce what's good because no one thrives in a, in a feedback vacuum. Principle number 6, stop trying to always be right. Being right is expensive. You might win the argument and lose the relationship. Dr. Sue Johnson, she said, conflict isn't the virus, emotional disconnection is. Arguments in most every relationship are inevitable, but how we handle them determines whether they're— they strengthen or they impact or erode the connection. I think most people fight to win, but the best, I think, fight to understand. So ask yourself, do I want to be right or do I want to move forward? Research shows that lasting couples tend to fight a little differently. They start softly, they avoid contempt, and they focus on resolution, not, not domination. In a great relationship, you can disagree and still be on the same team. And I think that's also true in leadership. If you need to win every disagreement, your people will stop telling you the truth. And when the truth disappears, you know, growth tends to follow that. So, so in essence, drop the ego. In other words, trade being right for being real. And now, principle number 7 of 7: accept human nature as it is. William James once said, the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. Every human that you come across, every human being you meet, your partner, Your kid, your employee, they want to know that they matter. And when we stop fighting human nature and start working with it, everything tends to get a little easier. People need affirmation, they need safety, they need to feel seen. It's not a weakness, that's, that's just our hardwiring. It's, it's what it— it's what research calls attachment. From birth, we are wired to connect and rely on others for safety. Strong relationships honor that need instead of denying it. Here's the, here's the most practical application. If some, if you want someone to feel valued, then show it. You know what I mean? Don't, don't assume they know. Tell your partner what you love about them. Tell your people what you appreciate about their effort. Say thank you, because that appreciation costs nothing. And it tends to change everything. So in closing, relationships, I think, are the multiplier of our, of our, of our lives, of our respective lives. Without them, everything else, you know, wealth, fitness, achievement, these things we talk about, they all multiply by zero. The Harvard Study of Adult Development followed people for 75 years. We've talked about this in previous episodes. And what did it find? It found one consistent truth. The quality of our relationships, not the income, not status, not genetics, the quality of our relationships is the best predictor of happiness and longevity. So if you want to live longer and perform better and feel more fulfilled, stop chasing more stuff and start investing in better connection. And again, remember this: great relationships are not discovered, they are in fact built. They are maintained not by grand gestures, but by these small, consistent acts of attention and humility and generosity. And of course, the work is never done. The work is never done. But when you build these win-win relationships, everything in your life starts compounding in the, in the same direction. And that direction is forward. That's all we have for you today, the No Days Off podcast. Thank you so much for listening. And remember, every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. So let's get after it. [MUSIC] [MUSIC]