Your subconscious asks itself the same question whenever something happens, and that question shapes how you feel and what you do. Tony Robbins calls it your primary question. Brian Gubernick walks through four types, shows how to swap a limiting one like "Why does this happen to me?" for "What is this trying to teach me?", and shares his own: "What does the best version of me do next?"
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Thank you for joining me today. It's Brian Gubernick, and welcome to the No Days Off podcast, where we believe that every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. There is a question that you're likely asking yourself every single day. It's not a question that, that you write down It's not something you're consciously thinking about. You probably do not even realize that this question is in fact there. But the question is, is shaping your mood and your energy. It's probably shaping your decisions. It's ultimately impacting the direction of your life. Tony Robbins calls this your primary question. Once you understand it, you start to see why two people can have a different experience to the same situation. Two people can walk away with completely different outcomes in the same situation. One grows in a positive direction and the other might get stuck. It is not necessarily because of the circumstances. It It's more likely because of the question that they're asking themselves. Now, according to Tony, and this, you know, Tony Robbins needs no intro. I think we all know who he is and he knows a few things. According to Tony, every person has a dominant question that they habitually ask themselves when life happens. It's not a question like, what should I do? Or, or, or what's the best option here? Those are our more surface-level types of questions. Your primary question sounds more like, how can I avoid problems? Or how do I make people— make sure people respect me? Or what's going to go wrong here? Or how can I be successful? These questions, questions like this, run automatically. It's like, it's like software running in the background on your, on your computer or on your phone. Here's the key insight from this. Whatever question you ask, your brain will in fact answer. Whatever question you ask, your brain will answer. If your primary question is rooted in fear or in scarcity or in avoidance, then your brain becomes incredibly good at finding threats. Now, if your question is rooted in growth or contribution or meaning, then your brain becomes incredibly good at finding opportunity. It's the same brain here. It's just different questions. Different questions lead to a different life. Now, this probably matters more than you think, because most people think their emotions come from events, but they don't. Emotions do not come from events. They come from your interpretation of events. And interpretation is, is driven by, by questions. So for example, two people lose the same deal. One person might ask, why does this always happen to me? The other person might ask, "What can I learn from this?" Again, the same event, but very different questions. And as a result, you're going to get radically different directions or trajectory. Your primary question determines what you notice, what you ignore, what you focus on or dwell on, and what you move past quickly. And over time, it quietly becomes your identity. And it's not because you chose it, but it's because you never, you never really questioned it. So some common primary questions that, that people live by, the most primary questions I found fall into a few pretty predictable categories. Some people are driven by certainty. So their question sounds like, how do I avoid risk? Or how can I stay comfortable? These individuals would value safety, but that oftentimes comes at the sacrifice of growth. Now, other people are driven by significance. Their questions sound like, uh, how do I stand out? Or how do I matter? This person would be chasing recognition, but as a result might feel pretty restless a lot of the time. Some people are driven by connection. They might ask, how do I avoid conflict? Or how do I stay light? So they're great at preserving relationships, but sometimes that comes at the expense of, of maybe truth. Lastly, Others are driven— some people are driven by growth or, or contribution. So their question might sound like, how can I improve this? Or, how can I help? Now, none of these questions are, are right or wrong. They all have trade-offs. I think the danger isn't your primary question per se. I think it's the danger— the danger happens to be letting it run somewhat unexamined. Your primary question will show up in moments of pressure. When something goes wrong, when a plan breaks, when you're tired or stressed, or when you're disappointed, that's when this default question, this primary question kicks in. And, and many people mistake that voice for, for actual truth. It's not truth. It's actually habit. Your results are less a reflection of your talent and more a reflection of the questions that you're asking yourself under stress. And I think that's why high performers aren't immune to, to failure. They're just asking better questions when it happens. So the good news is your primary question is not fixed. You could change the question. That primary question was learned, but But it can be rewired. It could be rewired. It could be rewired by intentional replacement. In other words, you don't eliminate a bad question, you just install a better one. So for example, instead of saying to yourself, gosh, why is this happening to me? Maybe you try something like, what is this trying to teach me? Or instead of asking, how do I get through this? Maybe ask, how do I grow through this? Instead of what if I fail, maybe try what if this works? Now, no doubt at first this is going to feel— it's going to feel pretty forced, but that's normal. I mean, you're rewiring the question here. The repetition will make it the default question. So you got to get the reps in. You got to create more habit. Now, for me, one thing that, that I've been focused on, I would say really the past 6 months, when I've run into different hard scenarios, when I've had some stress, and I— it comes up all the time, right? I actually been returning to one Pretty simple question. This is what I've been asking myself. I've been saying to myself, what does the best version of me do next? What does the best version of me do next? Now, this question certainly doesn't guarantee any sort of comfort, but it does guarantee an element of alignment. In other words, it moves me forward without drama. It keeps me out of victim mode, which I don't typically fall into, but it keeps my energy more positive. And it reminds me that, that the identity, my identity, is what's going to drive action. It's not the other way around. It's not action driving identity. It's my identity drives action. So again, I ask myself my primary question that I've been leveraging is, what is the best version of me? So I have a clear understanding as to what I think is the best version of me. What would the best version of me do next? Or what does the best version of me do next? So here's my challenge to you. I want you to pay attention this week. When something frustrates you, when, when some sort of plan falls apart, when you feel stress, when you start to get into kind of that reactive mode, I want you to listen for the question you ask yourself first. Even write it down because I'm a big fan of awareness, as you know. Once you see your primary question clearly, then you get to decide, is this question helping me build a life I want? Or is it actually keeping me stuck in patterns that, that don't serve me and that I've maybe even outgrown? I think that your life isn't necessarily shaped by your answers. It's going to be shaped by your questions, the quality of your focus, the quality of your decisions, the quality of your future. I think they all trace back to one thing, the question you ask when life happens. So I think for all of us here at No Days Off, being part of the No Days Off nation, Be sure, be sure to do your best to choose your primary question rather carefully. That's all I have for you today, the No Days Off Podcast. Thank you so much for listening, and remember, every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. So let's get after it.
