Ep 725 | The Wolf You Feed

Thank you for joining me today. It's Brian Gubernick, and welcome to the No Days Off podcast, where we believe that every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. I want to start today by, by reading something in full. It is not necessarily because it's dramatic, but I think it's because it's, it's so simple And I don't know, maybe the older, the older I get, the more I realize that simple things tend to be, tend to be the most accurate. I pulled this from Jesse, one of Jesse Itzler's books. I think it was Living with Monks. And I had taken a picture of it. I don't know, probably 9 months ago, maybe even a year ago. And I've had it in my notes and I, and I look at it now and again. And I found that over the past 30 days or so, I've been thinking more about this particular story. So I want to share it with you, then, then give you some of my thoughts. So here's the story. There is a Native American proverb about an older Cherokee who is teaching his grandson about life. The boy tells his grandfather that there's a fight going on inside of him. There's a fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil. He represents anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other wolf is good. He represents joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, Empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The grandfather explains that the same fight is going on, not just inside the boy, but inside every other person as well. The grandson thinks about this for a moment and then asks, "Which wolf will win?" And the old Cherokee answers, "The one you feed." Now that's the whole story. There's no twist, there's, there's no happy ending. It just ends with that line, the, the one you feed. I think the reason it sticks with me is because it doesn't really let you hide. There's no, there's no villain in the story. There's no excuse. There's no external force to blame. There's just attention and, and choice. What you feed wins. What I've noticed in my own life is that feeding the wrong wolf rarely, at least for me, rarely does it feel like a conscious decision. It doesn't, it doesn't show up as, as, oh, today I'm going to be bitter, or I'm— today I'm going to let my ego drive this. I think it usually shows up for me as something much quieter. Maybe it's replaying a conversation that bothered me. Maybe it's assuming intent instead of asking a question. It's letting maybe a small resentment go unaddressed. It's when I convince myself that I'm right and you must be wrong. None of that really feels dangerous in the moment. It even feels justified. For me, it feels what I would call human. But, but over time, that sort of thing adds up. I've also noticed that the wolf you feed shows up most clearly under pressure. When, when I'm tired, when, when things don't go my way, When I feel overlooked or misunderstood, that's when default patterns— my default patterns, your default patterns— it's when they start to show themselves. For leaders especially, I think this matters a lot more than we'd like to admit, because you don't feed— you don't just feed your own internal world, you feed the environment that's around you that you're leading. The tone that you bring into a room, the way you talk about people who aren't present, the assumptions maybe that you make out loud, the stories that you repeat, that's food. That's food. And culture, whether in business or in a family or a relationship, it's built from that, not from the values that are written on the wall. I think there's something else that's important here. Feeding the good wolf doesn't mean pretending everything is fine. It doesn't mean avoiding conflict or, or lowering standards. In fact, I think some of the traits of the good wolf, like truth and humility and compassion, they require harder conversations, not, not softer, easier ones. Feeding the good wolf might look like owning your part before pointing out someone else's. It might look like slowing down, being patient before responding. It might look like asking a better question instead of making a, a quick judgment. None of that, none of what I just described is flashy. It doesn't really make for, for a good quote, but it does change outcomes. What I keep coming back to is this: most of us are disciplined with what we eat, we're disciplined with what we read, we're, we're disciplined around how we train, but we're, we're far less disciplined with what it is we mentally rehearse. And I think that rehearsal really matters. The thoughts that, that you replay and the grievances maybe that you revisit, the narratives that you unconsciously reinforce, they shape who you become long before you even realize it. And the more experience I have, the less interested I am in winning arguments and the more interested I am in, in winning chapters or seasons of life. And that usually starts for me with noticing what I'm feeding. So here's the, here's the question, the quiet question I, I've been sitting with: what am I giving the most attention to right now, and is that who I want running the show? What am I giving the most attention to right now, and is that who I want running the show? Because the story doesn't promise— the story I read does not promise that the good wolf wins. It doesn't promise balance. It doesn't promise any sort of ease. It just tells the truth. The wolf that you feed in fact wins. And most days that's probably decided in moments so small that no one else ever sees them. So your action item today, think around the story, maybe listen to this episode again, and, and maybe do a reality check with yourself. Which wolf are you feeding right now? Are you feeding today? Are you feeding this week? And what changes, if any, do you need to make? That's all I have for you today, the No Days Off Podcast. Thank you so much for listening. And remember, every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. So let's get after it.