Ep 747 | How to Regulate, Not React: Dr. Becky’s 3-Step AVP Framework

Thank you for joining me today. It's Brian Gubernick, and welcome to the No Days Off podcast, where we believe that every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. Most of us think that we need to eliminate strong emotions in order to perform— strong emotions at work or at home, just under pressure— but that's actually wrong. You don't need to eliminate. I think you, you need to regulate. Now, I want to give a little credit where it's due. This episode today around emotional regulation, it was inspired by another podcast I was listening to about a year and a half, maybe 2 years ago. Shane Parrish runs a great podcast called The Knowledge Project, and he had a conversation with Dr. Becky Kennedy. It was a masterclass, in my opinion, in practical emotional regulation that you can use in any relationship, be it within your teams or a partner or even your— with your kids or yourself. Dr. Becky teaches this 3-step tool that she called AVP that helps you stay ready in the moment and steady in the moment without stuffing feelings down or letting them kind of drive the car. So let's dive into this AVP framework. Now, let's start by saying what AVP is, but also what it isn't, okay? AVP stands for Acknowledge, Validate, Permit. Acknowledge, Validate, Permit. Acknowledge, acknowledge the feeling. Name what's actually there. Validate, validate why it makes sense. Connect the feeling to some context, and then permit, permit the feeling, allow it to be present without needing it, needing to, to fix it instantly. Now, this is not coddling. It's, it's mechanics, as Dr. Becky would say. By labeling and normalizing what's happening, your nervous system starts to downshift. Then you can choose a response instead of just firing off a reaction. So let's go through these steps. There's really 3 steps, and I'm going to give you word-for-word scripts, okay? So play along with me here. Step 1: Acknowledge. Okay, the goal here is to get reality on the table. So the self-talk script, if you were trying to regulate yourself, you say, I'm noticing anger in my chest. I'm noticing tightness in my jaw. I'm acknowledging these things. Maybe if you were a leader and it was going to be to a teammate, it's, hey, I could see you're frustrated about how that, that client call went. Now, why does this work? Accurate labels reduce limbic noise and they start regulating physiology. That's why it works. So we're going to acknowledge, we're going to get reality on the table, we're going to call it out. Now, step 2, validate. The goal here is to make the emotion make sense in context. So a self-talk script would be, "Oh yeah, that tracks. I really care about this deal and the timeline slipped." Remember, I was acknowledging that I felt anger in my chest and tightness in my jaw. Well, that tracks. I care about this deal and the timeline slipped. I'm validating. If I was a leader using a script here, It might be something like, hey, it makes sense you're frustrated. Expectations changed late and you weren't looped in. Now, this works because validation is not agreement with interpretations. It's recognition of experience. Again, validation is not agreement with interpretations. It's recognition of experience. So, people calm down when they feel understood. And then, step 3 is permit. The goal here is to allow the feeling to exist so it can move. So, a self-talk script here, "It's okay to feel this right now. I can carry it and still choose my next move." A leadership script might be, "It's okay that this stings. You know, take a moment." Then let's decide the next best step. Now this works because permission reduces secondary emotions, things like shame about anger or anxiety about anxiety. So it gives you permission or permission reduces secondary emotions that tend to keep you stuck. So a quick like AVP in 5 or 10 seconds. Like if you're in the hallway, I'm angry. This would be self-talk. I'm angry, which makes sense because I care about the outcome. It's okay to feel this. What's my next best action? That would be a quick AVP for self-talk as you're walking down a hallway. Now, where does AVP tend to show up in real life? It shows up lots of places, but I'll tell you where I think it shows up for me. It shows up in high-stakes leadership moments. High-stakes leadership moments. So before you speak, maybe it's, "I'm anxious," which makes sense because of uncertainty and visibility. It's okay to feel that. Slow breath, lead with facts. Now the result there, you speak from curiosity and clarity versus defensiveness in a high-stakes leadership moment. Maybe another place it would show up in real life, maybe it's coaching a teammate after a blown sales call or blown presentation. Hey, I see disappointment. That makes sense. You prepared really hard. It's okay. It's okay to feel that. When you're ready, let's pick one thing to tighten before the next rep. The result there, they feel seen. They're not shamed. So now they can, now they can learn. About at home after a long day, let's make believe you have younger kids. Kids are melting down. Hey, you're sad the playdate ended. That makes sense. You had a lot of fun. It's okay to be sad. I'm here. Now, the result? It's regulation first, problem solving second. This is co-regulation in, in action. It's regulation first, then problem solving. We have a tendency to problem solve immediately. Again, the attempt here is to regulate first. Now, what are some common mistakes that we see with, you know, regulating emotion or failing to use AVP? Number 1, the first mistake, skipping right to solutions, which is what I just alluded to. If you jump to tactics without using this AVP framework, you're negotiating with adrenaline, and that's— there's a good chance that's not working out. So mistake number 1 is skipping the solutions. Mistake number 2 is fake validation. What's fake validation? I'm gonna guess many of you are guilty of this. I know I am. When you say things like, "I get it, but..." Like, I get it, but that's just invalidation with, with frosting. Drop the, the but, right? Like, you can't say I get it, but then it just, it completely invalidates where you're going with that. So it's fake validation. Mistake number 3 is policing feelings. Policing feelings. AVP does not mean endorsing behaviors. It permits feelings so that behaviors can change. And then mistake number 4, as Beck— Dr. Becky would put it, it's treating AVP as this one-and-done sort of thing. For big emotions, you may cycle AVP twice before the system actually settles. These are points— or these points really kind of echo Dr. Becky's emphasis that understanding a feeling isn't the same as agreeing with it. And that regulation precedes correction. We got to understand the feeling. It isn't the same as agreeing with it. Okay. Now, I think there's a handful of ways leaders can install AVP on a team. I think it's just a handful of ways. It's probably more as you get thinking through this, but this is what came to mind for me. Number 1, maybe you start your meetings with a temperature check. Start a meeting with, with a temperature check, for example, and take a minute. Uh, maybe yell out, hey, one word on, on how you're feeling today. That's an acknowledge, right? Validate, oh, that's totally fair given all that we have going on. And then give permission, right? Let's focus on the top two outcomes. Like, keep emotion present, but but not in charge. How about another way you can install AVP on a team? Normalize self-talk out loud, like model it. Like say things like, you know what, I'm feeling pressure right now and that makes sense. It's okay. Here's how we're gonna proceed. I think leaders who model AVP give teams permission to be human and to be effective. Another place, another way to install AVP on a team, add AVP to your coaching rubric. What do I mean? After a role play, for example, maybe acknowledge, "Hey, nerves showed up. Nerves definitely showed up." Validate, "Hey, first reps are always wobbly." And then permit with, "It's totally okay." And then make the one adjustment or make the two adjustments. Maybe one more way to do this in terms of bringing AVP to a team: create an AVP then decide sort of microhabit. For hotter issues, require 90 seconds of silent AVP before proposing solutions. I know this idea seems kind of crazy, but imagine if you took— like, if you had to, you know, there was a hot issue and you had to make some decisions. or people want to propose solutions. How about you gave everybody 60 seconds to silently work through AVP? Acknowledging, validating, and then permitting before they start proposing solutions. It will feel slow, but it will potentially save minutes, if not hours. AVP is, is simple. It's not soft. It's a control system, I think, for your nervous system. I've been leveraging this framework on and off since I heard that podcast. I'm not always effective with it, but I will tell you, especially for some self-talk where I could slow myself down a little bit, acknowledge and validate specifically, then kind of permit that sort of feeling or that sort of emotion before I proceed to making decisions, it's really kind of served me well, hence why I'm talking about it here today. It's a control system for your nervous system. So you can choose the right action under load. Now, if you want a deeper dive, again, I mentioned I heard it on a Shane Parrish podcast. I think they spent an hour on this topic. It's got lots of examples and language you can go and steal. Go check it out. Go check it out. Now, your reps this week, for you personally, I wanna challenge you to run AVP once per day. Pick a moment you usually react and run AVP. In leadership, maybe open one meeting with a 60-second AVP check, right? Close with one clear decision. And then at home, use AVP verbatim with a partner, you know, with your spouse or with a kid. Eliminate the "but" though. Do not use "but." No fixing. Remember, regulate, don't react. That's how you keep moving. That's how you keep moving. That's all I have for you today, the No Days Off Podcast. Thank you so much for listening, and remember, every single day brings a new opportunity to get better. So let's get after it.