Bruce Dougherty explains anxious attachment: how childhood roots lead to hypervigilance, constant need for reassurance, and testing behaviors that pressure partners. People-pleasing and seeking validation can sabotage the relationship you're trying to protect.
Anxious attachers experience love and emotional attunement in inconsistent ways as children, and this is why they're always on high alert for any sort of disconnection in their relationships. For example, if their partner's late arriving home or doesn't return a text right away, the anxious person will often start to panic. They have an overwhelming need to feel connected in their relationship because they didn't always feel connected as a baby. And think about this: a baby whose brain cannot think logically about what might really be happening might perceive this disconnection as the first step toward being abandoned. A baby that is abandoned would never survive, so the child is always on high alert to make sure that the connection is always in place. An anxiously attached person will always be checking in to make sure that their relationship is on solid ground. Why? Because their unconscious fears of abandonment have them seeking assurance of connection in order to feel safe. The problem is, it's confusing for their partner because the level of assurance will often feel excessive to them. A very simple way of looking at it is like this: for an anxiously attached person, they will only feel as safe as their last interaction. That is why an unanswered text or a missed phone call can elicit what others may feel is an unreasonable response. What this also means is that the anxious attachers may tend to overgive in their relationships, or in other words, they become what is better known as the people pleasers. They go out of their way to please others because subconsciously they believe that this will decrease the chances that someone will leave them. How this plays out is the anxious attachers will always seem to be testing their partner to make sure that they're still connected. And although it seems perfectly reasonable to them, for their partner, it has them feeling as if they're always on trial and that the relationship is anything but secure. Now, in the end, because of all the testing and all the needs for reassurance, the partner may feel constantly pressured to connect what they believe is already a connected relationship. They're confused by all of the excessive demands. They feel overwhelmed, and they end up leaving. And the anxious person ends up actually sabotaging their own relationship by manifesting the abandonment that they fear so much. Would you like to invest some time and effort into adjusting your attachment style? Come and see me at A Conscious Partner.
