Bruce Dougherty explains dismissive-avoidant attachment: how it forms in childhood, how it shows up in relationships and work, and why people with this style struggle with intimacy. He traces the emotional defenses that keep them distant and offers a path toward healing.
The dismissive avoidant is the highly independent, industrious, and hardworking person who has little time or patience for intense emotions of any kind. If you or someone you know is that strong and confident, or even maybe proud workaholic, then there's a pretty good chance that you or they have the dismissive avoidant tendencies that can really interfere with your life and relationships. Where does all this come from? Well, as infants, dismissives were likely in situations where they were left to deal with their own emotions for at least what the baby considered was an unreasonable length of time. Now, this doesn't mean the parents were neglectful. It could simply mean that they were busy with other kids, exhausted by life, or maybe even suffering through their own unhealed childhood wounds. Then as children, this can get further reinforced if the child was pushed to minimize or even dismiss their negative emotions. Being told not to cry or to stop whining, etc. A dismissive has learned from childhood the expression of emotion is a sign of weakness or vulnerability, and it will be taken advantage of by others. What this ultimately means is that the child has not developed the skills needed to deal with emotions effectively, and it sends a clear message to the child that the expression of emotion will result in some form of pain or loss. This means that as adults, dismissives are extremely self-sufficient and feel that anybody that they let close will either take advantage of or even abandon them. So maybe it's better just to keep everybody at a distance. That's why they may find it easier to be in long-distance relationships or possibly even polyamorous ones that require less of a full commitment. In a work environment, dismissives are often very successful and competent, but their skill set does not make them the most intimate of true friends or relationship partners. They use their work and busy schedules as excuses to keep them from investing too deeply in any kind of emotional connection. Their overwhelming need for space is often confusing even to them. They have a desire for a happy and healthy relationship, but if someone gets too close, their dismissive nature forces them to push that person away in order to create the space needed to maintain their independence. It doesn't mean they don't care, but it's their way of testing to see if they will be abandoned. If their testing produces drama of some nature, this will reinforce their feelings of abandonment and make it easy for them to leave. When in a relationship, rather than looking for reasons that it will work, dismissives will often look for the reasons that it won't work. They're very sensitive to being criticized or judged, but they certainly won't show you that it hurt them. As they do not want to appear weak or insufficient in any way. They hide their pain inside and simply suffer through it. It's much easier to ignore the pain and invest in their career or favorite hobby. They will do their best to avoid conflict and confrontation, but when forced into it, they will often feel trapped, and this will cause them to react with defensiveness and maybe even emotional outbursts. They're lashing out and pushing others away as a way to shield their true emotions as a way to prevent the pain that they know is inevitable. I think the most important thing to be aware of is that just like any other human being, the dismissive is searching to find connection, but their unhealed wounds from childhood get in the way and keep them from finding what they truly want. They want to be close, they just have no idea how to do it. If you or someone you know is a dismissive avoidant, there is a path forward. Are you ready to transform your life and relationships? Come and see me at A Conscious Partner, and let's get started.
