Why High Performers Feel Empty (And How to Fix It) with Coach Jayme Shiarla

Why high performers feel empty and how to fix it with coach Jamie Sharla.

Hi, I'm Beverly Simpson, former fitness manager turned online personal training business owner. And this podcast is where smart fitness professionals, including trainers and clinicians, discover how to increase client performance and movement, package and position their products and services, and get out of their own way so that they can increase their revenue to live a life that they love without sleazy sales. Welcome to the PT Profit Podcast.

Welcome back to the PT Profit Podcast. My name is Chris, giving you your intro for this very special episode with coach Jamie, who I got to meet at the Real Coaches Summit. She did an amazing presentation, had a great energy, and I think you're really going to enjoy this episode because it is one of those conversations that goes beyond the surface and gets right into the stuff most people are afraid to talk about. Beverly sits down with coach Jamie Sharla, executive wellness coach and author of beyond the Words for Raw and Incredibly Real Dialogue, where Jamie shares a story behind her book. How sending early morning texts with quotes quite literally kept her going through some of the darkest chapters of her life and how that turned into a movement, a coaching practice, and a way to reconnect high performers with a version of themselves that success cannot buy. So if you've ever felt like you're crushing it on paper but still feel hollow, disconnected, or like you're always waiting for life to finally feel good, this episode is going to hit different. Beverly and Jamie talk about the patterns that keep people stuck in burnout, the uncomfortable process of slowing down on purpose, and how to rebuild worth from the inside out. Without further ado, let's roll that episode.

What's up, Jamie? Thank you so much for joining me on the show today.

How are you, Beverly? I am doing so good. Thank you for having me on.

I am so excited to really dive in today. Before we hit record, I was already like, oh, my gosh, I better hit record because the questions already started coming to me. So I can't wait to dive in. So you had just shared that you have recently published a book called Beyond Work that you that were in co. There it is.

Love it.

Network really inspires you to get through, you know, hard times. So what I'm curious about is what brought you to creating the actual book to help more people? How did you get there?

So I will do this in a very short way just for definitely sake of time. Natalie, if there's other avenues we want to go. If you have more questions, definitely feel free. And I'm more than open to talk about it. We all face adversity in life, right? But I have a very diverse resume personally and professionally, multiple points of which it was to the point of me attempting to quite literally take my life. And quotes were kind of one of the only things that really truly helped me hold on. I've never been married, don't have kids, so there was just me kind of having to figure out how to pull through all the time because I didn't feel like I had much to live for outside of what I thought the world told me I needed. And so yeah, there was just quotes scattered across my house all the time that I would always just rely on. And then it got to a point where that didn't even work and so I started texting other people those when I would wake up at 4 o' clock in the morning and I would send them every day. And then if I had a really defeated morning where I didn't want to get a bed, I'd randomly get a message like dude, are you okay? We didn't get a message from you today. And so that inspired me and it pushed me to keep going. And so then I created a Facebook group and then I was posting literally every single day on social media some type of motivational quote. So yeah, quite literally it's. It was a book that I was just inspired to write of like 123 of the most impactful ones that truly got me through the deepest darkest times of my life that actually still very much impact me today. And I share those, but then I share my perspective, a little bit of my testimony and then I give call to actions to give people the opportunity to use it as well.

That's amazing. And so now do you incorporate this book into your coaching curriculum and helping your clients and how has it impacted your client relationships?

So for me in general, which actually it's really cool question that you asked because it's just kind of a little subtle nudge that I do with all of my clients is after every single one of my sessions. Cuz I only specialize in one on one coaching. After every single one of my sessions I send a follow up email and I always give a quote that is very specific to whatever was the most impactful thing that had been discussed throughout our our conversation or our session that day. But I don't incorporate into my curriculum in general. Like I believe that a lot what's in here is the wisdom and the resilience of what I encompass throughout my own journey. So yes, it's very much incorporated into my coaching sessions. But it's literally embedded in who I am as a person, whether it's from a professional standpoint or not. Okay, I love that.

So you mentioned that you specialize in one on one coaching. So I'm curious, can you share a little bit more about your philosophy behind your coaching practice and what are some of the best practices that new and up and coming coaches can bring into their, into their process?

Yes. So I am an executive wellness coach and a neuro linguistic programming practitioner. So I specialize in. This is a very brash way to put it. But those who are financially successful, but they're emotionally and relationally bankrupt. I don't care about helping you build your business. I don't care about helping you lose weight. My goal is why is it that you're going through all these motions and life doesn't feel as good as what you thought it was going to be? Why do you feel like you're not fulfilled in the work that you worked so hard to build? Why is it that you seem lonely or you don't know who you are in your journey? So I specialize in one on one because to me that is a lot of stuff that people don't have the capacity to share in a group. I think there's, there's progress that can be had in that, but it is very, very niche and it's me wanting to sit with somebody in the trenches so they can face their own demons on that. Um, and so for somebody who's first starting off, I think it also depends on what type of industry that you're in. But I think that the best advice that I could give somebody is make sure you have a coach. I know because don't, don't tell somebody else to have a coach or try to be a coach to somebody else if you are not being coached. Because we constantly need somebody to be our blind spot blind spots and sharpen us to become better. And if you won't be doing that, why would you expect your clients to grow?

So true. So it is so true. But what I'm curious about, because it sounds like you attract a lot of really high, you know, over, you know, high achievers that are over performing essentially and at least one aspect of their life. Right. And as someone who can relate to that type of avatar, there usually comes a lot of, of, you know, worthiness and self worth, the work that someone has to go through in order to, you know, come to the other side of that. So I'm curious for you specifically when you are working with that type of high achieving client and you're working on your stuff on, on, you know, you know, for you and yours, your work that you're doing, do you ever feel like, very similar to them or relatable to them and feelings like, who am I to be doing this when I'm not even healed or when I'm going through dark things? How do you bridge that gap for yourself?

That is a beautiful question. And so I've been doing this since 2017, so definitely I have grown into obviously a lot more experience compared to when I was first starting off. But what I think is super important that I have to constantly remind myself on because I always like to say I'm a recovering control freak. I fortunately, but unfortunately at the age of 25, got put on bed rest for an entire week doing two kidney infection because of burning myself out, burning the candles at both ends. And so I had to come to Jesus moment at that point. Like, hey, what you're doing isn't working. And if this is happening already at 25, what do you think is gonna happen by the time you're 40 or 60? Like, that's not a sustainable pace to be living at. And so I think for me, it's just super important to always remember that, like, as I said, we're never too good to become better. And like, it's, it's our duty to be a lifelong learner. Like, we have to be willing to keep growing. And so for me, a lot of what I do is I say I train brains, so it's like I want to strengthen the resilience muscle. And so in that is to me, like, I, I don't necessarily like, seek it out, but in those moments when really hard struggles or things come my way, or when I have really stormy seasons because none of us are free from adversity, I embrace it because I'm like, you know what? As much as what, this sucks. And even though sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud, this is why I do what I do, and this is why I know I'm good at it. Because this is my opportunity to show to my clients that if I can work through this really hard thing, you can do it too. And these are some ways in lifetime that I was able to navigate it. So it creates also a sense of humanness and authenticity to the relationship where it's like, I'm not telling you that I have it all figured out, right? Like, I mean, it's, it's interesting sometimes how we do put coaches up On a pedestal. And we expect them not to have problems. You think of a soccer coach, right? Like, half of them are like dads that just have big old beer bellies and they're telling these little five year olds how to run around and play soccer, but they couldn't even go out there and kick the soccer ball the way the five girls doing it. Right?

Like, right.

You know what I mean? And so it's like, I think it's. I think it's just important to always remember that, like, none of us have it all figured out. And if we did, I feel like the, the. How boring the world would be if we did. Right?

Oh my gosh. It's so true. It's so true. So, you know, what would you say are some of the most common themes that you hear a lot of your clients and a lot of coaches? Like, what, what are some of the most common struggles that people, that people battle with, that you are work that you're constantly working on with your clients?

One of the biggest ones is that it's not as bad as what it actually is because they're high performers. They're used to pushing past that point of fatigue where it's like, no, it's really not that bad. I've been through worse. Like, this is fine. Like, I just gotta get through this and then I can breathe. Let me just get through this week and then it'll finally be good. And then I'll be able to come up for air and then I'll finally be happy. And then once I hit this goal, then that's when I can go do X, Y, Z. And then so they're chasing this when that never ends up coming because then there's more responsibility that gets put on their plate or they reach that point and then now they get a chance to breathe and they don't know how to act because they're not used to that pace. And so now they're like, something's wrong, something's wrong. I need to go be performing. I need to go do something because I'm failing at something. And so I think it's, it's, it's recognizing that, like, hey, it's okay that you don't have it all together, or it's okay that, like, you're struggling. I think that's the biggest barrier that, that's not necessarily the biggest problem they come to me with. That's the biggest barrier that I see within them. But then at the deeper level, it's like, why do I feel like I can't ever catch a break? When is this finally going to feel good? Like, I feel so disconnected from my life. Like I'm just living on autopilot. Like, this is just what I do and this is the. This is what I worked for and this is what it's supposed to be like. And now I need to go for more. So it's like constantly chasing a fix.

Yeah. So are they. I'm assuming that they're not necessarily aware of that until they're in the work with you.

Yeah, yeah, very much so.

Yeah. And that must be challenging. So, you know, they come to you because they are, you know, want to de.

Stress essentially sometimes, because otherwise, a lot of times too, when I'm working with high performers that they're. They're used to understanding the point of having like, the concept of personal development or having people in their corner to help them level up. And so a lot of times it's like, hey, like, if you want to. If you want to reach higher levels, like you've hit a plateau in your performance, let's get to the next level. And what I then coach them through is I'm going to show you how to slow down so you can actually speed up. I'm going to teach you how to productively rest so you have the energy to go do the things that you want to do.

I mean, the letdown that they must feel at times. And I don't mean like from expectations, I mean more from like this, trying to create the gap. Right. Because what, what you're essentially doing is like trying to fill up a bath tub of water with clean water, but you can't when you have dirty water in there. So you gotta let the water out before you can fill it back up. And that for high achievers who are control freaks and TR and holding on tight, like, that's really hard to do. It's like having a contracted muscle that's constantly contracted. It's all. It's harder to let it release.

Yeah, yeah.

So, you know, that's.

That's intense. Yes. But to me, that's also why I think it's so rewarding and it's so fun with. What I get to do is because I get to sit in the trenches with them. So it's like, yeah, this is. This is a different kind of hard than you're used to. You know how to work hard. That's not the problem. I'm trying to help you reposition some of that energy into a different area that can actually make you feel freer. That can actually make you feel like lighter and more fulfilled and confident in what you're doing. And so in that, the beautiful gift of it is that, like, you're not sitting in the mud alone. Like, I get to sit there with you, but we also don't live in the mud. Like, we'll get in the mud, but we come out of the water, the mud, and we clean ourselves up too. So it's like, it is a fun journey of being able to like, dig deep, but then also like kind of go higher level too.

So can you share a little bit about how you, you know, you were talking about brain based training and I also heard that you're NLP. So as a fellow NLPer, I'm curious, what is some of the, the brain based processes that you typically use with your clients to help them rewire some of their neural pathways that are misfiring inside of their brain?

So I mean, it very much varies on the person in which quote, unquote technique that I go into. But at a very high level it's like, hey, let's actually identify what the limiting belief is. Let's identify the pattern and the action step that is actually like keeping you stuck in this, this cognitive bias that you're living in. And then how do we reframe it? How do we challenge that perspective? How do we start to kind of culture shocks the neural pathways to be able to then replace it with a different thought. So now that one doesn't have as much power.

So how long do you, does it usually take people to, you know, feel like, to, to get unstuck?

It's a very gray area because I think it depends on what the expectation of the individual is for getting unstuck. I like to say that my clients, and even myself too, like, we're going to go through emotional hangovers, like, where there's some moments you're going to feel like high as a kite because it's like, hey, I just talked about something that I've never told anybody and it felt really good to get that off my chest. That could make somebody all of a sudden feel confident and be unstuck. But it also could be like, hey, we're digging in the trends. And you're like, dude, I feel like crap, Jamie. Like, I feel like I was, I couldn't even sleep last night because I was thinking of all the stuff that I told you. And then the next day I'm just irritated with every person that's around me. So it may take some time there. But I think one Thing it's one of my favorite fun facts to share is that you know the whole phrase it takes 21 days to make a habit. That was a marketing ploy. It is false. On average it actually takes like 89 days. Like because think about how many unconscious habits that we aren't doing every single day. Covid hit a lot of people were like stressed out and they didn't have to go to work. So they were like, I'll stay up later and I'll watch Netflix and I'm going to have a glass of wine. Then all of a sudden you're staying until 4 in the morning and that glass of wine turned into a bottle of wine. Four months later you're now drinking six days a week and you're not waking up till 10am that didn't happen in 21 days because it wasn't something that you did. Everyone every day for 21 days straight. And so it's like we have to unwire those, those habits and those thought patterns and then start to replace. So it also still does take time. I personally don't work with anybody for less than three months because fool, I got a lot of energy. I am happy to be your professional hype woman and amp you up to like give you like a Red Bull experience to get you through the week. I'm not about that. To me, you can't put braces on your teeth for 24 hours and expect your teeth to say straight. If there are some of these thought patterns and these habits and these belief systems that you've had since you were frickin4, that's not going to go away in a week. Same with somebody who gain a hundred pounds. You didn't do that in two weeks. That's not going to come off in two weeks. So did that answer your question? I know it did.

No, it did because what I was really asking, and I was going to ask it in a different way, but what I was really asking is there, is there a correlation in the number of reps like to your point, to your point, right. When someone has a hundred pounds to lose, they didn't gain a hundred pounds in 27 days. So is, you know, is there a correlation in the amount of time that it takes someone to build a habit as it is to change it or is it different?

Well, so I mean, and especially from like a fitness analogy and this is, this is currently something that I'm actually working on. I am a very quad dominant person. I train via CrossFit. So for me a lot of the work that I'm doing, like, I am strong and I obviously use a lot of other muscles, but primarily I will pull a lot of my, like my cleans and my snatches. I will try to pull from my quads, so much so that I don't properly engage my hamstrings. My hamstrings. So now the fact that I have always relied on my quads for my strength, it is like a foreign territory where I'm like, how do I even feel my hamstrings engaging? How do I have to train this? It's like I trained that one muscle so much for so long that I totally was dismissing the weak muscle altogether because it was overcompensating. So for the high achievers or my, my, my high performers, that's the same thing. Your work ethic is freaking top notch. You know how to get stuff done. That's not the problem. You know what the problem may be? Hey, you don't know how to actually just chill and be patient and wait for something. You don't know how to rest without it, quote unquote, being a reward. You think you're doing something wrong if you genuinely sit down and casually enjoy a cup of coffee with a friend that you want to spend and do life with. Right. So it's like I train hamstrings for those who are quad dominant.

Yeah, no, I totally, I totally get it. I get it, I get it. I just, you know, I know too, from someone who's also, you know, I am a high achiever and a high performing high achiever, and I think one of the things that I'm constantly battling for myself, especially coming from a critical household. And by the way, I love my family. So it's like, I always share that, but there's always context of like, it was critical, but I, but, you know, my parents were just doing the best that they could with the tools that they had, and they're super loving.

Anyway. Yeah.

All that to say that I sometimes will catch myself almost punishing my, myself for not getting it faster or for feeling like, oh, this is a pattern that I thought I handled and now I'm repeating it. And so sometimes I have to actively stop the thought in the moment. And so I was curious from your perspective, like, how long does it. Does it or how and how many reps does it often take to notice that the patterning will shift and become unconsciously competent?

I think that's situational depending, like, the severity of the circumstances. Right. Like if somebody is in the thick of a Massive, like, like season of turmoil. Like, it may, it may take longer because there is still some of that, like, hey, I need to go, go, go, go, go to get through. But I also think similar to, from a fitness perspective, it depends on the individual. Right? Again, another reason why I don't work with people for less than three months is because I don't want you to fall back to default mode. It's easy to say, oh, I'm going to set boundaries and I'm going to rest and I'm going to do this. And all of a sudden it lasts a week until there's a new project or a new responsibility that hits your desk, and then you fall back into old ways, that old default mode. And so I think that it's a matter of how much work somebody is truly like, intrinsically motivated to overcome. Like, if you wanted that enough, your results are going to come quicker. So if you're a high performer and you truly are really invested into overcoming and working through that side of it, absolutely, that can happen super fast. But if it's like, hey, no, no, no, no fear, or, you know, just havoc keeps pulling me back to this other direction where we have to kind of keep getting reeled back in. Somebody who hits a caloric deficit Monday through Friday, and then on Saturdays and Sundays, they overdo it. Like, that's. It's going to take a lot longer for you to be able to bounce back than if you allow yourself to balance it out all throughout the week. So again, situational.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's so true.

So I love this though, for what it's worth. And I promise I don't mean this in a way to call you out, but no, you can tell that you're a high performer. And because you're instantly thinking, what's my timeline? What's my timeline? Is there a deadline that I can achieve this by? Girl, no. Like what?

Tell me the deadline. Let me know what I can expect in.

How can I can control my outcome? Part of the journey, girl, you don't get to. And that's why life gets fun, because you get to loosen your expectations and you don't have to take as much energy to hold onto it so tight. True.

But I also think too, you know, as someone, as someone who is. Is it is this avatar. There is a component of. Of feeling unsafe when you start to release control, for lack of a better word, because there is an element of me that is protective. Right. It comes from a protective nature. It comes from the ego to be like oh, you can. Whatever you can control, therefore, you can manage your safety. There's safety and uncertainty.

Yes, absolutely. So, as a recovery control freak, even as you said that, I. I still to this day, feel that to my core, because I can. I'll transparently share why I function that way, which in ways I'm very, very grateful because of the amazing skill sets that I ended up establishing as an outcome, luckily, because of the choices that I made from it. But I grew up in chaos, so I was just already in an environment where when things were calm, that was when anxiety kicked in, because that meant a storm was coming, and you didn't know how to control it or how to protect yourself. But at least if you were living in the chaos, you were used to that, so you functioned almost like what felt like cool as a cucumber in all comparison, or what I felt, obviously, in this scenario. Right. So it's. That's again, from where of like, that. That NLP part comes in on where we need to rewire that and we need to start creating safety from a different perspective. That way, you do, quite literally, like, mentally and physically feel safe to not have to be in control.

Yes. And that's hard. That work is hard.

Oh, a thousand percent. That's why so many people decide to just go make more money instead, or to decide to control what they can control by destroying themselves in the gym so they can look a certain way or feel the high of the endorphins from working out because it's easier than having to sit. To sit with the gunk.

But what's interesting is something that you said that actually resonates with me too, because in my childhood, we were also very chaotic, but not in the way that people would think. Like, there's almost no abuse. There was no, like. Oh, yeah, it was. I caught. We called it. My sister and I called it functioning chaos, meaning that from the outside, we looked like we were, you know, the rady bunch. But on the inside, it was just very. Like you said, if it was calm, you didn't know, like, something was coming. It was like, wait, something was gonna. Something is brewing.

So.

So my nervous system has, like, set that as a set point of, oh, you're. You're. You know how to handle chaos. So that took. That takes a lot of time because it's like, you almost feel like I'm addicted to the craze. I'm addicted to the drama is how I used to feel.

Yeah. And you know, and I think still, like, this is. This is kind of A gray area, because I. I have opinions on both sides of this. This statement that I'm about to make. But, like, similarly to how we say, like, there's no such thing as, like, good and bad food. Like, food is just food. Like, I think that's. That's something that's super important about, like, whether it's trauma or it's not. Like, the belief system that was established was simply just that. The belief system, whether it was coming for a good or a bad place or not, it was. It was the belief. The example I share here is growing up. I'm from Ohio, so I've had people look at me crazy that even when I say it, they're like, what are you talking about? I grew up where when we would eat breakfast, we would have dippy eggs, which meant you only cook the bottom of the egg and you only, like, barely cook the top. But that meant that the yolk was there so you could, like, dip your toast into it and eat the. You know, have the yolk on your toast that way. I'll never forget the first time I went to my friend's house and her mom made scrambled eggs. And so I'm sitting down for breakfast after we have, like, a sleepover, and I'm looking at my plate, and I'm like, what is this? Like, I. I thought we were eating eggs. Like, I did not believe that to be true, that that is an egg, because I had never seen an egg cooked that way. Now, see, this isn't a trauma response.

Because, oh, my gosh, like, the egg.

Tried to attack me. No, it was just the belief system that was instilled because of my environment. And so it doesn't mean that somebody has to have a trauma response in something for that to be where a thought pattern or a habit will follow. So that's part one. But part two is that definitely there still is something to that where it's like, there could be this emotion that is attached to a specific thought or belief system that may or may not be true. That could have made you feel some type of way, even if it wasn't something dramatic like a murder or something like that. Like, there's, like. There's. I forget what her name is, but she was. I don't remember, she was a psychologist or what, based out of California. But she would refer to him as, like, little T traumas and big T traumas. Where it's like, there could have been a belief system around one time when you were. You first got braces, put on your teeth and you were forced to be in the family photo and someone's like, ew, why are you smiling like that? Smile normal. And they just. It was because you looked awkward and you were in fact awkward. But it's not like you were doing it intentionally to ruin the picture. You didn't know how to smile with braces. But that one belief system could have put a lot of insecurities that, like, oh, if I don't do this this way, people are going to think I'm awkward. And so you protect yourself. Right. So there's so many different layers to this. Like I said, I just went down two totally different rabbit holes. But, like, the answer is yes. Like, there is still something that could stem from it, but it doesn't have to be traumatic to necessarily impact the trajectory of the habit that gets formed, if that makes sense.

Yeah, it makes perfect sense. And something too that is, I always would like to remind myself is that, you know, just because a neural pathway has been rewired doesn't mean it disappears. Like, you can still make like, every moment is choice. Life is choice.

Yes.

And you can continue to go left or right, but the choice is still yours.

And potentially all you could have maybe done was like, get out of that neural pathway and then you're rolling right beside it. No, it's still technically the same thing. You just slightly re. Recreated it. But it's still the same pathway.

Yeah, yeah. So I'm. I'm also curious, you know, since we're in this vein. Right. So I'm assuming that you have then heard a lot of. A lot of, like, conflicting research around this idea around good girl or good person, bad person, and that we tend to indoctrinate our children and then we have like, generational breakage that we have to, you know, work through. So I'm curious for you and for your clients, how do you address this idea of morality in beings?

I'm going to start by sharing a quote.

I'd expect nothing less. Go.

Fun fact. It is definitely in this book because I swear, if this is not on my tombstone when I die, I have not emphasized this point enough. I say this quote probably like 60 times a week. We need water to survive, but water can also kill us. Too much of anything is a problem. And so it is okay for two things to be simultaneously true at the same time. From a moral standpoint, is it okay for a specific type of abuse to take place or in. In a. In a style on how a child is raised? Right. No. Is it okay to then be in your 40s and still be blaming your parents from how you were raised for why your life is the way that it is, in my opinion. I believe that is also no, because we are still always granted choice at every given point in time. And I think this has been a big journey for me. You know, coming from the, the. The background that I had. Like, I believe my parents did the best that they could with what they could. Like, it was chaos, but it was also because they were two hurt people that ended up having to pay the consequences of some of the decisions that they made. And they were trying to figure out life, too. And so I think that, like, there's this book, two gentlemen wrote it, it's called the Fourth Turning. And they're able to even study. And like, they studied generations and were able to predict every time that we were going to have a pandemic. They didn't know what it was going to be, but they knew, like, they predicted, like, when the stock market crash was going to happen and. And what Covid and all of that, because it's just also part of the cycles. I used to be in the insurance industry, and it was always interesting when you would see the transference of wealth. You would have a very, very, very wealthy family who had kids that didn't necessarily work as hard because mom and dad paid for everything. And so now these kids are parenting, not really having good work ethic established. And now that's being transferred over to their kids, and their kids being like, well, I'm going to now work hard because my parents weren't able to give me any of this. And so now I want to be able to give this to my kids. And so it's like, it skips, like, a lot of times it seems that wealth will almost skip, like, family lines of that. And so I think it's sometimes too, it's just also part of the cycle. And yes, we can control what we can control by trying to be the best is what we can be and make the best decisions that we can. So, so to. To bring this all back together also, like, when I, when I coach that through my clients, but also how I. I would treat anybody on the street. And even what I try to say to myself is like, okay, like, let me truly assess what's happening right now. Is it okay? Yes or no? Why is it okay or not okay? What do I feel would be the best decision to make moving forward? Like, at least slowing yourself down enough to, like, think through before making a decision, I feel is probably one of the Healthiest things that we could try to do. That way we're not letting emotions control us. Right. Or letting a situation control us. Like we're truly taking control of a situation.

So good. Now I'm curious for you and for your clients. I have, this is a two part question is one, what are some of your best practices that help you create buy in for your. For your client so that they stay with the process and get through that stick of uncomfortability?

Ooh, this is a great question. Thinking it through. It is very rare that in the journey of my coaching that somebody actually feels stuck that we have to push through. Because for me the sticking is before we get started, I very much will qualify a person. I make it very, very clear. I ask tons and tons of questions because I very much want to make sure that somebod is ready and willing to put the work in. I don't believe anybody's broken and I don't believe it's my job to fix them. They get me in the in the trenches with them to be their blind spots and to help support them through the journey as they're doing it. So for me, the sticking point is, if anything more upfront to establish enough rapport for the individual to one, even trust me enough to want to give me the stuff that they won't tell anybody, even their closest family and friends or maybe even be willing to admit to themselves, like for them to truly feel safe. Because that's another thing with the high performers that I work with. And actually just yesterday's podcast with Chris, when we were talking about it, the one of the common denominators is that a lot of high performers feel like everybody wants something from them. And that's why it's lonely, is because they know of their success and the power that they have. And so somebody is always reaching from something for them. They're the person that they go to when they need money, when they need advice, when they need anything. So it's very lonely because they have to be everything to everybody and they can't show weakness or they won't show weakness. So for me, again, overcoming the sticking point at the beginning, that one, that they could truly trust me with that and they feel safe enough to even admit it to themselves and say out loud and then for me to be able to hold space for them. And then the second part is for them at that point to feel that they genuinely think it's possible for them to overcome the life that they're currently living and for it to actually Be better on the other side of that fear. So to me mine that the sticking is in the pre qualifier once we get to work. Yes, there may be moments, but since all of that trust is already established like that conflict resolution is, is so much easier in my opinion.

That's interesting. So there's something you said that I'm curious your opinion on. Because for me, when I hear things when, when you talked about the high achiever's curse, essentially where they feel often very depleted because they're always giving and that there's not a lot of input. I'm curious from your perspective how much of that over giving or that overworking comes from a place of. So that I can be accepted, so that I can be, that I can be seen as someone worthy of giving. If that makes sense.

Yeah, yeah. Because about 50% of my business is men. And so a lot of that is the pressure of the man being the provider. That is literally like they're meant to be the ones that are successful and putting food on the table and doing all of that. You know, in a lot of, in a lot of capacities. I feel like, you know, over the years it's definitely become a little bit more neutral. But I feel like that is something very much ego wise that men carry far more than women because I just think that's innately what we experience of like, like females are more a little bit of the nurturers, whereas the men are supposed to be the providers and the protectors. And so their, their whole identity is engulfed in I have to provide and I have to protect and so if people don't need them. But I also work with a lot of type A females that I like to call the strong friends. Right. They're the ones who take care of everybody. But they, who do they go to when they don't feel strong? Because they can't go to those people because they can't show that. Because then either people are now going to feel bad and they're going to stop asking for help because they're like dude, your problem's way bigger than mine. Like I need to let you be. And then the strong friend doesn't like to hear that because now they're like, now I'm worthless.

Yes.

Right. So making sure I'm hitting my ladies as well as my men in this. But either way, so with that, that, that ego or that, that need to feel needed, that need to, to be seen as the strong person that takes care of everybody because that also feels that they are worthy of, of love, of Respect of. Of connection, of happiness. Right. So in my opinion, I think that that's where a lot of what it is. Or it's just literally, like, I've had a lot of clients, specifically, like, from India, where, like, in that culture, it is very much you succeed. That's it. You got a 98 on your test. Like, why wasn't it a hundred? Like, everything should always be to the absolute best of your ability. And so it's like they don't feel like they're allowed to be anything less than perfect because then they're failing. So that falls into more of the cognitive thinking of all or nothing. Right. But it's still always this need that, like, I have to do this in order to achieve this.

Yeah, it's interesting. So, you know, I'm also curious, since we're talking about some. Some of this is pulling apart self image and self worth, and I'm cure and self esteem. Right. And so I'm curious for you and for your clients. I'm assuming that that's some of the work that you do. So what is some of the best practices and processes that you're helping, you know, your clients with in terms of restoring their sense of self image, self esteem, and self worth?

Yes. It's going to sound so insanely simple that literally you're going to be like, what is this girl talking about? I make them make time to sit with themselves instead of the voices in their head. Because when you genuinely make space. Because as a high performer, right, guaranteed, even whoever's listening to this, you're probably multitasking. You're not just sitting here listening and watching to this. Or even if you are, you're like, how much time to send this? What time do I have to get to my next meeting? What time do I have to go pick up the kids? Should I start dinner? Is the oven on? Did I forget to unplug the curling iron? You're not even being present. So it's easy for you to literally start accepting all of these truths, but you don't even really know who you are. So no wonder you feel insecure with that relationship. Right? If you. From a dating or a marriage perspective, right. If you only see somebody like once every three months or once every year, you're not going to know that person well enough to trust them with your life. So why, naturally, if that's how you're spending your time with yourself, is like, oh, yeah, I'll randomly throw in a vacation where I get to take a nap while the kids are out Playing on the water slides or I gave myself and treated myself to a massage. That doesn't count because now you're just shutting your brain off and you're not even allowing yourself to spend time with you and asking yourself any deep questions. You know, I feel like this is phased out, but for a while that was called dating yourself. You know, like by just getting to know you. So that's a lot of what I get to help people do is that. That's another reason why I love the one on one work, is I force you to sit with me on a session for an hour long because we're chatting through things. But I'm helping you discover yourself and I'm asking you questions that you don't on a regular basis make time to truly stop and sit and think about. And that's where the confidence comes from. That's where all of a sudden the word starts coming in. That's where you start reflecting and you realize that all this stuff that you've been saying is bull crap and things are better than what you thought they were. Or it's not worth caring about this because this over here is far better than what. This is.

So good. Now, do you do this for yourself or do you also have someone do this for you?

Oh, listen, Yes, I, and I actually, it is mind blowing to me. This is what I started with, right? Is somebody who's first starting out as coach. All coaches need coaches, all therapists need coaches. Therapists, whatever. Like, I always have at least two coaches at any given point in time for different categories. So like a business coach, a marketing coach, a fitness coach, a nutrition coach, a mindset coach, I will always make sure I have somebody who's there to call me on my blind spots. Because also, don't get me wrong, I am not the smartest person on the planet and I do not think I know all of the answers, but I used to joke and call myself Jamie the Justifier. You tell, you tell me anything and I will find a justification to anything that you said, I would have made an excellent attorney.

So funny. I say the same thing about myself.

Yes. And so to me, I very much have to pre qualify a coach who I know that I respect, that will allow me and sit with me in the trenches to challenge my blind spots. Be like, okay, Jamie, you say this and I know that makes sense, but have you considered this? Like, I see where you're going with that, but did you really make time for this? Or are you starting to get caught up in the whirlwinds over here that now this area is kind of falling short. We all need it, right? So, yes, absolutely. I do not do it alone. If. If I did. Y' all do not follow my content. And don't ever ask me to coach you, because, no, if you don't have a coach that's not investing in growing themselves, they're not the best candidate for you because they stopped growing.

Yes. How can you. It's my opinion, too. How can you expect someone to. To do something you're not willing to do for yourself?

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

Okay. So I want to be very mindful of your time. So thank you so much for hanging out with me today, for pouring into me and in pouring into my listeners. So for those of you who are really interested in learning more about working with you or connecting with your work, what are some of the best places I can send them?

Great question. I intentionally post all of what I post, so feel free to cyber stalk me. You can find me on my website, which is coachjamie.com I am the Jamie with no eyes. So it's J a y M E in case you're just listening to this, but coachjamie.com my Instagram handle is Jamie the Coach. I have a podcast, make time for your mind with Coach Jamie. I'm on Facebook, all the things, but in any of those platforms, if you either reach out to me personally or if you go to my website and it's something that you want to consider as far as even working together, you just fill out an application and you book a virtual call with me if you want the book. The book is on the website and currently plastered all over my social media. I have a boundaries course on my website, Cyberstalk me and that's how you find me and get a hold of me.

So good. I love it. So thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for listening to the PT Profit podcast. If you like this episode, chances are your friends will too. So it would be a huge service to us if you would please leave us a review and share with your friends on your social media channels. When you leave us a review, be sure to take a screenshot of it and email that screenshot to my team atinfo simpson fitness.com and we'll send you a very special Instagram podcast that will show you how to cure create compelling content so that your ideal clients come to you. And you go from wanting clients to a waitlist of clients ready for your services. Thank you so much for listening and we'll see you on the next episode.