How Do I Get My Kid to Stop Tuning Me Out? 3 Simple Strategies

In today's episode, I have somebody else here to ask me the questions. I'm joined by Miranda, a working mum of two young children who knows exactly how intense and exhausting parenting can be when you're juggling a job, a home, and kids who don't always cooperate. So we are talking today about why parenting is so hard and how to let go of the guilt and why this matters so much for busy working parents. You really don't wanna miss this one because you are also gonna hear the most common challenges that I see parents struggle with, why punishment doesn't work and how we can teach better behavior, and 3 simple practical tips to help you stay calm and connected with your kids. Tips that I guarantee that you can start using straight away. Also stay tuned to the very end because Miranda will ask me a burning question that I get from parents all the time. And one I've had from my own children. What do you say when they say, I don't want you to go to work, Mummy? But first, as a parent, you know it's important to have clear boundaries, but you also want to be caring and compassionate, right? Well, I'm Camilla McGill, and as a seasoned parenting coach and mum of 4, I'm excited to give you the principles, tools, and inspiration inspiration you need to raise amazing kids. Welcome to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries. Miranda, over to you.

Camilla, we said that parenting is the hardest job in the world. I mean, I have to agree, but why do you think so many of us, especially working mums like myself, find it so hard to ask for help?

Yeah, it's such a good question. You know, I think it's the idea that in order to be a good parent, we should be able to handle it ourselves. And, and then when we hit a wall and our kids do something that we feel like we just don't know what to cope with, we often will feel like we fail, like their behavior is a result of how we are as parents. And, you know, often with a working mom, it's like a double load, but the demands of the job and then everything to handle at home And we'll often feel like we have to prove that we can do this, prove that we can do it without support. And you know, I remember one mum that I worked with, she said that it took her, and this is really common, it took her like a good half an hour when she reached her desk to sort of be able to focus and decompress because she felt like she'd fought a full-on battle before she'd even arrived at work. And She felt like she should be coping better with this, but the truth is, how I see it, is parenting is a skill. We're not born knowing how exactly to do this, and asking for help just isn't a weakness. It's, it's really actually one of the best things that you can do for yourself and your kids. And I don't know what you'd say about that, Miranda.

Yeah, I completely agree. And like I think we said before, every child is unique as well. So I think more and more people should ask for help. I mean, it's been such a pleasure meeting you and getting some tips, and I'm still I'm still learning. My kids are little, so I'm always asking for help. Camilla, tell us what led you to become a parenting coach in the first place. And for me, I think an interesting question, and I think your audience will feel the same, is has it influenced the way that you've parented? Have you taken your, your tips on board?

Do I practice what I preach?

Yeah, exactly.

When my eldest was little, I was struggling. I worked in training development. I knew all about communication and I thought, oh, how brilliant. My career can help me with when I'm a mom. And actually teachers often say this to me that, you know, they think, oh good, I'm a teacher. I know all about children. But when it comes to your own child, it's so different. And he was almost 3 and I had a baby and then realized that I actually wasn't really enjoying it the way I thought that I would because I'd just go round and round in circles with that ramping up. You know, he would run off laughing when it was time to get him dressed in the morning and I'm like looking at the clock and realizing that I'm gonna be late for work. And he thought that was funny. And I'd start off calm and then I'd wound up shouting and then he'd cry and I, then I'd feel I'd failed. And then I'd get to my desk at work and, you know, realize that I'd had half an hour to decompress. And then there was public situations where he might hit other children in playdates, or he'd have a tantrum and I'd feel so embarrassed. And I just thought, you know what, I'd like to get some help. So I did, and it was such a relief, and it just helped me understand him more. It gave me tools. And then I suddenly realized, oh my God, I'm so passionate about the changes that it's made for me that I, you know, want to help others. But I then went on to have two more children and you realize that each child is so different. And I had to learn more and research more and practice different things with my other children because they're all different temperaments. And so I still, I've never stopped learning, but yes, I will never say I'm a perfect parent. Yes, I've shouted through the years. I got it wrong, but I know how to admit my mistakes. And model that, and I know how to put connection before making demands of them. And that's, you know, we can kind of punish our child into submission to doing something that we want them to do, but that really does break the connection, and I'll talk about that more later. So I've got really close relationships with my now adult children, and my daughter said to me yesterday, Mom, you're just the best mom in the world. Bro, I love that. I've had parents who aren't parenting coaches have had their kids say that, but I think they do really acknowledge that, uh, I have had a good way of raising them.

So yeah, you're just saying though as well, if you are— you don't have to be a working parent, but you know where you just don't have time, that you go straight to like, you could be shouting or saying, you're just looking for that immediate response for them to behave or something, and that's not the way. So it's taking that step back, having a deep breath, and thinking about, you know, the advice and stuff. I know you're going to talk a bit about later, just really helps in the moment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking like, what do I want to achieve? No, and it's not easy. Um, a question about the juggling.

Yes. Yeah, with the juggling, my next question was going to be because Obviously you work with so many parents who are juggling so many things, whether that's work, you know, their kids, all of their different responsibilities, but I just wondered what were the most common challenges or pieces of advice that they ask you for?

I'd say the 3 top things that parents come to me for are: the first one is kids not listening or being naughty and talking back. The second one is dealing with tantrums and emotional meltdowns. And the third one is battles over bedtimes is a really common one, but also things like mornings. I call it morning mayhem, you know, getting out of the house in the morning. And, you know, for all of them, this is so hard because we get triggered. They push our buttons, but we've gotta understand why the behavior is happening. Now, we may not always know exactly why, but we've gotta think, I'm not trying to fix my child here if they're having a tantrum. I need to look to the need behind the behaviour and also what's causing it. And, you know, I've had so many parents tell me this, that this has been really, really helpful, that they think they're not listening, but actually what they've found is that they really need to engage a bit more before they give them the instruction because their child's elsewhere, their minds elsewhere. If they keep on nagging, the child actually just resists more. With things like bedtime battles, you know, having a really clear routine— this isn't everything. This is a podcast episode, and I give a few tips, and parents will be definitely saying, well, I do have a good routine and my child still won't go to bed. So there's more to it. And do remember to hit subscribe and follow so that you get more and look at the show notes for other resources. But sometimes it is simple changes that can help. It is just thinking, I need to stand in their shoes and think about the best tools and strategies for my, this particular child with their temperament. And a couple that I was working with recently, she realized that when her daughter started to ramp up to a tantrum, being difficult and saying awful things, she actually needed a hug. And yeah, often when our children are being their most unlovable, that they need the most love from us. And, and as I say, that, that isn't always easy, but those are the 3 things that are the most common.

Yeah, I found that actually with my son, that when he was, you know, like having a tantrum, that actually by giving him a hug, like you said, has really helped, which has been surprising for me, but it's just made such a difference for those bedtime battles. And also, I think, like what you said before, is really interesting, but I think parents forget that they're speaking with their children and they're not adults and not— they're not understanding on the same level, which sounds like an obvious thing to say, but I think lots of us are guilty of doing that.

So we say things like, don't be so childish.

Exactly, exactly. Actually, that takes us nicely on to my next question that I wanted to ask, that many of us feel the need to use punishments like timeouts I suppose losing privileges, that's personally one that we're guilty of doing, or the naughty step. Haven't done that yet, but often because we don't know what else to do to stop the behavior and teach our kids from right and wrong. But you say that it doesn't actually teach them good behavior, so why not? And what would you say works better instead?

There will be parents who don't agree, so that's fine. I come at this from both a point of research and a point of practical application from my own 4 kids and also from the thousands of parents that I've worked with, we feel the need to do it because we want to immediately stop this behaviour. And often because we just don't know what else to do to teach our kids right and wrong. Teaching our kids right and wrong is really important. I'm never saying ignore all negative behaviour, but it's thinking about what could I do instead rather than jumping in with a punishment because, you know, the problem is it doesn't give the child the learning to think about what choice they might need to make next time. They might be shamed into doing something. The reason I hate the naughty step, well, it's first of all, it's isolating a child at the moment, very often when they're their most emotional. Um, yeah, labeling them as naughty. And actually then a child will act out of that label. Well, I'm the naughty one, so, you know, I'm gonna hurl a shoe across the room 'cause that's what naughty kids do. They're very, very impulsive, which is another reason which will cause the behaviour. So if we punish impulsivity rather than teaching them how to take a breath, press pause, think about what they do, that, that's just not gonna help them learn impulsivity. And I mean, just to give you a few examples, one of, one of my kids Well, my daughter just never listens and she's rude, and she would send her to her room. And what she realized that her daughter was doing in those moments was she was sitting there sulking, she was plotting revenge, she was thinking of kind of sneakier ways to avoid doing the things that her mum might want her to do. And she realized that simple things like if she needed her to stop playing, just spend a few minutes engaging before you issue the instruction. That can go a long way. And then maybe asking a question. I cover this in my free guide, How to Get Kids to Listen Without Ever Having to Nag, Shout, or Listen. And you could go to myparentingsolutions.com/justlisten or look at the show notes to get it. But then you might ask the question, what's it time for next? I mean, you're not going to avoid all of our behaviour, but it's just thinking that kids just learn so much better and respect us so much more when we speak in a way that's respectful, realize they're kids, like you said, Miranda, they're kids and they're doing normal kids' things. When we've got clear boundaries that we stick to, and when we think about rather than how do I make you stop, we think about how can I help you learn and grow? And that is much more helpful than jumping to punishment and taking things away.

Yeah, I think that's such helpful advice. And actually, what you were saying before about something that I've been guilty of is threatening that you take away privileges. And then I think lots of parents do this, but then they don't even follow through with that. And the children just think, actually, I don't even believe you're going to do that. So it doesn't help at all.

No, and they lose respect. And we're like, right, we're leaving. No TV for a month. And then we've shot ourselves in the foot because it's wrong.

That's so true. But it is so hard. But again, it comes back to what you said about connection and focusing on that connection with your child. I think everyone will find this really helpful. And then my next question is, I think this is such a great achievement. I know that you've been on Women's Hour. Obviously you have this brilliant podcast, which is such a privilege for having me on it today. So thank you. And you've worked with parents, you know, worldwide. Apart from all of those things, what would you say is your proudest achievement?

Well, I mean, I would say my proudest achievement is raising 4 healthy, thriving kids. Yes. So, you know, my proud achievements really are helping parents. I'm just so passionate about it. And, you know, I mean, I just think of them all the time whenever I work with parents. I can't hold them all in my heart, but certainly the ones that I've worked very closely with, I remember them and think about them. And, you know, I had one client, she was a urologist. She had a very, very stressful job as a consultant, and she was spending 2 hours at the end end of the day battling trying to get her son to bed, and it was not good time they were spending together. So we worked out how to cut that right down to half an hour so that her son was much less tired and grumpy, and she now says it's her favorite time of the day, you know. And the things like that, Caroline— some of my clients don't mind me using their names— and anyway, she was reacting to her daughter having a tantrum. I think it was after At school, the daughter was having a hard time. She started to react, but then she realized, no, Camilla said there's something behind this. So she decided, I'm going to stay calm and I'm going to find out what's behind this behavior by using the tools of the phraseology that I taught her. And she found out that actually somebody had been teasing Ella at school because Ella has this gorgeous curly hair, but the child had said, you've got stupid hair. And she'd held it in and she didn't think, I'm gonna come home and tell mommy. She just had a tantrum. And then from there on, Caroline was able to comfort her and teach her how to come back to things like that. So these transformations where parents say, I'm so much more confident, my home life is so much calmer, I've got better relationships with my kids, I'm on the same page as my partner, that is such a huge achievement for me. And Woman's Hour, actually, I was on Woman's Hour twice, and that was just the most fantastic thing. I absolutely loved doing it, and even though the second time they only gave me an hour's notice to get right up to Oxford Circus, that was a great achievement. But it is helping parents.

Amazing. So my next question is, if you could give working parents— this must be a hard one for you— but just 3 practical tips to make home life even calmer and more connected, what would those 3 tips be?

Yeah, that's great. So the first one is pause before you react and acknowledge the feeling first. This is the skill that doesn't come easy to us. So, you know, I'm saying it like a simple thing. I know it isn't. Just thinking about if your child doesn't want to leave the playground and they scream, "You're so mean, I hate you," instead of telling them that they're bad and rude, just take a breath, or saying, "How dare you speak to me?" Just take a breath. And say, think, this is normal. My child is normal. And say something like, yeah, it's really hard to leave. I know that you don't want to leave because you're having so much. So things like that. And you might tell me, look, my child carries on and screams at me because, as I say, this is one tool, but it's just like you acknowledge the behaviour, but you don't have to agree with it. So they might scream, I want sweets. You can say, I see why you really want sweets and you're disappointed. You don't have to buy them. So that would be the first one. So actually that leads into the second one, which is holding the boundary with warmth and being consistent. You know, if bedtime is 7:30 and they say, another story, another story, it's up to you. I'm not saying don't ever give another story, but if this is something that is they are consistently pushing the boundaries. Just say it with warmth. Oh, stories are so fun. So why don't you pick one out that we can read tomorrow night? But we've had our two stories already today. So just try and do it with warmth. And that helps grow the connection because we can so easily, particularly when we're tired, say, nope, that's it. I've said no and it's no. It's still saying no, but in a, in a more gentle way. And I do acknowledge that these skills take time and practice. and you'll also find that a Google search won't help you with certain things. A quick flick on Instagram— I'm on Instagram and I know I put tips that won't always work because there is more to it than that. So please, anybody that would like to speak to me, reach out. You just go to myparentingsolutions.com/chat and you can have a free discovery call with me to see how you can get more support because you can see I'm a big advocate of support. And the third one is don't be afraid to say no. So, you know, a little bit like holding the boundary with warmth, I think particularly, and I'm not saying this is only key to working parents, but there is a lot of guilt. And you might come home and they nag you for buying them a new toy, and that guilt is, I want to be loved, I want them to give me that loving reaction. Yeah, actually it is really important for kids to know they've got to cope with disappointment. It might be that we say, no, we can't go, you can't go on a playdate, or we can't do certain thing at the weekend, or they'll say everybody gets to watch that program. But saying no, helping them cope with disappointment builds their resilience. And also we shouldn't be overindulging them. It is the time and the good connection that we can give them is what they will remember far more than those toys that often are broken.

And it's interesting actually, because those 3 tips, which I think are so helpful when they're in school or the nursery, they abide by those, don't they? And you find that they have structure, they have those boundaries. And it's just like you say, I think parents have that guilt and it's so easy to say yes, but actually setting those boundaries, you know, with warmth and knowing you can say no, but in the right way is so helpful. And it builds that respect, that mutual respect, I suppose, and going back to that connection, which is so important. Absolutely. So the other question I have, which is the big one that you shared at the start, and this is something that I have with my own two children, but what do you do when they say, "Mummy or Daddy, I don't want you to go to work," and you're trying to get out of the house?

So, you know, this is about their fear of separation. It's not really about the work. It's not that they don't want you to do that job. They are worried about separating from you. There's more to this response again than I'm going to say here, but rather than what we might typically say is, "Oh, don't 'Hey, silly, you're gonna have a lovely time at nursery,' which is true, probably, but it dismisses the feeling. It comes back to saying something like, 'I, you wish that I could stay with you all day long.' So acknowledging their desire, showing them that you've understood, and 'I love being with you too.' I would really recommend that you don't say 'but' because that kind of negates But you say, and I'm going to see you whenever it is. I will be back from work at half past 6 when you've had your supper, or I will be collecting you from school at a certain time. And then maybe have something, and then perhaps we can do a puzzle or something that they like, or then I want you to definitely give me a big squeezy hug when I walk in the door. So that's what will help, but it is difficult. I do recognise how hard it is. To leave our kids, but our work is important. They're not gonna buy, I need to earn money to buy you nice things. That doesn't really do it for them. But just acknowledging the fact that my work is important and I will see you at a certain time of the day, rather than brushing it off. For everyone listening, it is a tough job, but if you want to raise your kids to be respectful and kind and cooperative, learn how to do that without using punishment threats. Keep the clear boundaries and learn tools. Do look at the show notes, head over to my website for free resources, and I hope to see you next time. Please hit subscribe so you get notified. So Miranda, and I love doing the podcast like this. Please don't leave now because Miranda's got something that she wants to share with you for Southwest London listeners.

And thank you, Camilla. Obviously you're one of our amazing partners. It sits under our Little Black Book of Experts, but people who don't know the JJ Club, we're all about about supporting families in the Southwest area. We've got an exciting physical club that's opening in Ballam next year, but before that we have a digital membership which basically gives parents access to perks from brands that they know and love in the area. They also get access to just lovely curated events as well as a little black book of experts like yourself, Camilla. So it really is about helping those parents with the struggle. So if they do fancy joining up, we do have a special offer that we can give all of your followers. So it is worth it, and we hope more and more people will join the JJ Club. But Camilla, again, I just wanted to say thank you for letting us be part of this podcast today. It's been an absolute pleasure, and I personally have taken on a lot of these tips and will be using them in my household. So thank you.

Oh, that's brilliant. Thank you so much, Miranda, and thank you for listening to Raising Kids with Love and Boundaries.