Is Marriage Outdated? Gold Diggers, Commitment, and Dating Entrepreneurs w/ Brooke Castillo

That was fun.

We, like, geeked out on, like life coach stuff. Are you people gonna like that?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

All right, good.

People like it when I get uncomfortable.

Did you get uncomfortable?

I. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean. I mean, like when I was challenged.

Yeah, right.

And you challenged me.

You didn't seem uncomfortable.

I'm comfortable being challenged.

I prefer crying when you're uncomfortable.

I was actually. I have a couple friends and we were talking about. I had somebody come up to me once. They're like, hey, Ryan, what do you do about gold diggers, man? Like, how do you deal with gold diggers? I'm like, I don't know. I'm not attracted to gold diggers. And he says, yeah, but how do you know? How do you know? And I'm like, I don't know if a girl's after me for my stuff. I just kind of read that and I'm not into it, man. I don't know how you keep away the gold diggers. It's like, just not attracted to them. And I was telling that story and I was like, but on the other hand, if there's a really, you know, poised, cute, humble girl, I'm like.

So either way, I don't have to talk to girls. You know, either way, don't have to talk to girls. It's perfect. Yeah.

Oh, my God, that's so funny.

So I'm good either way.

Oh, my God. Teenage boys, they both go to college next year.

Wow. You're going to be an empty nester.

And I am like the anti college. And both my kids are going to college.

Oh, wow.

I just think college is a rabbit.

Yeah, it's a waste. I mean, it's an experience. Different for some.

It is an experience.

I was at a Christian school where, you know, there were no guys in girls dorm rooms. You know, I didn't have to talk to girls, right? Yeah. Like I mastery in all areas of life, except if there's a pretty girl in the room.

I'm a millionaire. Dad, don't lead with that.

Do you like corn bacon? What?

I have an hourglass in my office. Bye.

Stop it. Can't you help him? You're with him all the time. You do help him. I'm not a good wingman because I'm not any better.

That is too funny, you guys. All right.

Can you life coach that out of me?

No.

Okay, that's good.

It's gonna complicate.

That's good, because if you did, I'd have to talk to girls.

Yeah, horrible. Complicating what? Can't you find, like, a entrepreneur? I think that would be so fun.

I would never want to be an entrepreneur. Yeah.

I think that would be amazing. No, no.

Because then we would never do anything but talk about work. Yeah. I want my relationship to be outside of work.

Yeah.

Like, I want to be able to be present in that.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

Like. Yeah, it's cool to have, like, a.

Hold on. I want to go into a completely different area. How long have you been married?

22 years.

How do you feel about marriage?

I love marriage.

You do?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. As an institution.

Yeah.

What do you love about it?

I just love that it's kind of like when you get a protocol for food and you just stick to it. You never have to think about food again. Like, I just love being married. I love that I got my guy and that I never have to think about them.

Why have people.

They spend so much time thinking about it?

Yeah.

Who they're gonna date, going out. I can't imagine Dating. I don't see.

I don't spend a lot of mental thought about dating.

Yeah.

Like, the whole swipe this and, like, what do you do with your time?

Seriously?

That is awful. I don't want to spend my time trying to prove myself to somebody.

Right.

So I don't spend any thought thinking about it.

Yeah.

But I don't know how I feel about marriage for me.

Do you date a lot, though? Do you have.

No. No, no, No. I don't like.

So you don't mind not having a relationship?

I don't mind not having a relationship, but. But I. I don't like having a lot of first dates.

Oh.

Like, I don't, like. I don't want to go out with a person and never see them again. I like depth. Yeah.

Yeah, me too. That's why I like being married. I like that he knows all the things.

Okay.

And then, like, you know, I come home and he's like, yeah. No. Or. Or he knows, like, not to. That, like, we're just best friends, too. I love being married. Good. Especially if my kids are. But I think it has to be the right person.

Yeah. I wonder if that.

I wonder if. Do you expect that to change at all once your kids go off to school?

Our relationship.

Yeah.

You know what it is about our relationship, and this is what I teach all my students about, is, like, you have to be a full person that meets your own needs, and they have to be a full person that meets their own needs, and you just Come together and it's fun. Like, your only job is just to be there for me to love you. That's it. Like, you don't have to, like, do stuff to make me happy in this marriage.

That's when marriage is terrible. Yeah.

It's like, you're not making me happy because you're not meeting my needs. And that's what they teach you in therapy. Seriously. Like, tell him what your needs are, and then he'll tell you what his needs are, and then you can spend your whole life just focusing on this other person and being. Being needy. Yeah, we don't do any of that.

Yeah, that's good.

We're 100 ourselves, and then we're very independent.

Were your parents together?

Divorced.

Okay.

My dad was an alcoholic, died when I was young, so. But my mom's been with. Not married to my stepdad, who's really not my stepdad for, you know, 30 years. Yeah. And so they're not married. And I think it's the exact same thing. I don't think you have to have a piece of paper to say you're married. Why don't you believe in it?

I don't not believe in it.

Oh, okay. You're just not into it.

I don't know. I'd be totally open to it.

Yeah.

I just don't feel that way right now.

Yeah.

Because.

Because you're young, though. Right?

How old do you think I am?

32.

31.

Okay.

I. I feel like.

Right now I crave depth and relationships and being known and fun.

Yeah.

And A, I could have that without being married.

Totally. Yeah.

And B, I don't think that. I don't know how I feel about having that with the same person for the rest of my life. It's possible. Yeah. But I think. I think that is more the exception than the rule.

Well. And you know what's interesting is we're totally open to the idea that we won't be married forever. And I think that's what makes us want to be married forever, because we're like, hey, if at any point this isn't totally cool for both of us, I don't want him staying with me if he doesn't want to be with me. Right.

Yeah.

So then. But so we don't know. The kids go away to college. I'm like, what are you doing here?

I think that's so healthy.

I'm open to it.

Right.

Like, I had a girlfriend coming to me one time. She, like, divorce isn't an option. I'm like, then you must have a terrible marriage. Right. Because it's not an option. Then you're just forced to be together. Oh.

So I think you have. It's the parameters you put around what marriage means too, right?

Yeah, it's like.

It's like you're creating the rules.

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

And most people just fall into the rules and try to force themselves into the rules.

Most people just care about the wedding is the problem. Most people get married with. They're young and they care about the wedding. I have. I know you're recording. I can't tell you the story.

It's a really good story, some solid extra footage.

But I think I. I have some. Some associates that, you know, in their religion, they can't be intimate until they get married. And so they're just getting married to be intimate. And I'm like, I just want. I'm like, dude, if I would have married that guy.

Would have been a mistake. Right. I feel like I understand that there's values and stuff around that, but I think that that kind of stipulation around marriage I don't think makes a lot of sense. So I don't believe in that kind of marriage, if that's what you mean, or staying married for marriage sake.

This is like.

That'S where the institution of marriage came from, was to formalize that family structure. And. And now.

Now we get to make him in whenever we want. Right.

So is. So is it necessary?

No, I don't think so. I think it's cool, though. Okay. I think it's just kind of like that line in the sand. Declaration.

Yeah.

Kind of thing.

Yeah, I get that. I get that.

Yeah. But I do think both people have to want it. I think when other people, like, make other people get married, if you love me, you'd marry me. It's a no.

Then I. It's just not something I am ready for right now.

It's because you haven't found the right person. Maybe, like, looking for someone to get married to I think is the wrong way to do it. Find someone and be like, hey, do we think we want to get married? No. Yes. Okay. Why? But there's a lot of people that want to be married.

Yes.

Just like, there's a lot. Because when you get married, you know what happens? Everything's better.

And you're happy all the time. Yeah. Just look at all married people. Isn't that crazy? We think that, like, oh, we could just get married. But look at most married people. They don't want to be married. So get Passing. That's what we think.

So you really like being yourself, don't you?

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Aren't you? Don't you?

Yes, but not all the time.

See, I'm having a great time with my life. See? See?

So this is. This is a lot of deep work for me to be able to say that.

Okay. So do you want me to acknowledge that?

No, no, no, no, no.

I am unplugged.

Take note. Deep thoughts.

You're real bad for my ego, Brooke.

You're supposed to be nicer. Aren't I supposed to be caring? Yeah. Now go say that. Tell me why.

So what I'm getting at is realizing there are parts of my life that I wasn't like, I didn't like being me. And having, like, going into that, first of all, it sucked. But once you do that, it's like, oh, there I am. Oh, I really do like me.

Yeah.

So? So I know that there's still areas where, like, I don't like that about myself. I don't like. Like, that insecurity comes up in this point, and the more I dive into that, it's like, oh, I really do like being me.

Yeah. And, you know, you can just decide to like the parts of yourself that you think you don't like. What?

Like, I really like that neurotic, crazy part of my brain.

I'm serious.

Yeah.

I'm, like, not even kidding when I say that. Like, you can just decide. Like, that's all part of the deal.

Yeah. I get that.

The stuff that I had, like, when I was over drinking too much alcohol, that's when I was like, I don't like that. That kind of stuff, I think is, like, what's going on there. Those things are worth changing. But, like, the neurotic stuff, the human stuff.

Oh, yeah, of course.

It's like, oh, my ego got involved there. You see that?

Right.

It's not like, oh, my God, I should be better. It's like, oh, no human. And this is what I found is the more I accept, like, you're the hardest person you're ever gonna.

Of course, love.

Right. So when you start loving yourself, you're like, I can like all the people. Yeah.

Yeah.

I can like all the people that don't like the same things I like. It's weird.

Yeah.

Our country has a hard time with that.

Yeah. Well, we have a lot of unhappy people.

Right. That are just mad about a lot of really stupid.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah. And they. And they think that the solution is outside of themselves.

Yeah.

And so of course they're gonna hate other people. Of course they're gonna look down on other people. The minute that you're happy with you, you just have, like, this abundance where it's like, everything's a bonus.

Well. And when other people are assholes, you're like, oh, yeah, I'm an asshole too, sometimes. Like, seriously, it's like, oh, and I can, like myself when I'm an asshole. So I can, like, extend that.

That's cool.

Yeah, it's like, we can understand that. We're all. And, like, when people hate me, I'm like, I get it. Like, I've spent a lot of time hating me too. I'm pretty easy to hate. I get it.

And then it. The life is just. It's just more fun. Yeah.

Yeah. That's great. I like you.

Well, I like you too, Ryan.

Yes. Awesome.

Can I get a clip of that?

Yeah, I got it. All right.