Ryan Daniel Moran delivers five intentionally terrible coronavirus tips as satire: buy high and sell low, panic-buy everything, use the crisis as an excuse to do nothing, distrust experts and spread conspiracies, and wait for government to fix things. The monologue mocks capitalist behaviors during the pandemic.
The world's in crisis. Things are melting. It's pandemic monium out there. But I'm the greedy capitalist. I make money when other people lose. In fact, that's how capitalism works. One person wins and another loses. And there's so many people losing right now I can barely keep up with demand. In fact, I hope things get even worse. That's why I'm making this video for you. Because the more you lose, the more my business does great. Before you try and turn this into an opportunity or you try to think rational, here are a few things to keep in mind to make sure you lose even more. Just pay attention to the media and listen to these simple tips. Tip 1 Buy high, sell Low when it comes to investing, buy low, sell High is so February 2020 in today's market, you want to buy when things are at their highest and sell when they're at their lowest. Why? Because that's what everybody else is doing. And herd is always right when it comes to the stock market. And since it's unethical to turn a profit out of a time of crisis, you want to get out of the market while things are in free fall. And you can forget about things like economics or basic fundamentals or profit and loss statement. When things are at the bottom, you want to sell, sell, sell. When things are at the top, it means they're going to keep going up. And if things are going down, it means they're going to keep going down. So you want to buy at the top and sell right now. Wow. Tesla stock is up to 900. I wish I had bought at 300, but I should buy more so I don't miss out. That's solid logic. You must be in the 99%. Tesla fell to $300 a share.
I should sell. That's right, young grasshopper, sell to me. You want to sell it and wait for it to come back to where it was, maybe even higher. That's when you know it's safe to jump back in. Investing is about the you want to sell when things are low and then wait for the long term to jump back in. With all that fresh powder in your bank account, you can move on to tip number two, which is consume, consume, consume. Right before a recession, prices are at their highest, so now's the time to stock up on all kinds of goods. I have no idea for how long paper towels are going to be available. Heaven forbid you might have to use a real towel or a washcloth or one of those environmentally friendly bamboo things. Right now the economy needs your stimulus. So head to the grocery store, head to the pharmacy before all those environmentalist pansies start to tell you to stop so much. And don't buy anything perishable either. I'm talking TV dinners, lots of chips, and anything that'll make you even more of a couch potato than you already are. Tip number three. Use this time as an excuse to do things that you always wanted to do, like sit around, watch the news, browse social media, eat a lot of food, and stay away from the people that you never wanted to see anyway. Don't use this time as a way to do the things that you say you want to do, like start a business or read a book or spend more time with your family. You used to have other excuses for stuff like that, like, I have to go to work or I'm so busy. You don't have that excuse right now, so use coronavirus as an excuse to everything. In fact, you should just shame all the people who are profiting or growing or even having a good time while some people in the world are suffering. The more you focus on who's suffering, the worse you feel. So shouldn't we focus on that more? In fact, the more you do that, the more effective my advertising can make you feel good for half a second and the economy keeps going. Number four, don't listen to experts. The more reliable the source, the less reliable the information. Don't listen to experts on investing. You might start buying things right now. Don't listen to the government or the cdc, who might tell you that we're very well prepared for this. And don't listen to the health experts that say that as long as you're careful, we're all gonna be fine. Start listening to people like that, you might start thinking rationally or stop fearing things that is terrible for my business. Instead of expert opinions, now's the time we need conspiracy theories. Alex Jones, David Icke. We need your lizard people more than ever right now. Or at least the expert opinion of everyone on your Facebook feed. They know what's up. Or my favorite, the exponential charts that show the worst case scenario. With news like that, you could barely find a reason to get out of bed in the morning, which, of course, is the safest place for you to be. Anything to divide us, make us angry at one another, and especially anything that we can use to politicize this crisis. In fact, while we're at it, we should just blame Trump for the whole thing. He should have closed the border like any good racist. And it's racist that he calls it the Chinese virus. The more attention we keep off China, the lower my prices are going to be from the goods that I import from from China. And tip number five, the most important of them all. Wait for the government to do anything about this problem. Your income went down. Wait for the government to send you checks. Your business is suffering. Wait for the government to change something about the marketplace. You're helpless and can't do anything without the government. And we trust the government and those in charge to make the best decisions for us. They do great with everything that we give them. So why not put them in charge with how much money we make too? The more power the government has, the more contracts I can get with them. And you won't even know it's me. Sounds like a winning strategy to me. I'm the greedy capitalist and I'm here to remind you that you only have the illusion of freedom. You don't have the ability to start a business. You don't have the ability to define life on your own terms. You certainly don't have the ability to focus on what you want to focus on. Because there's a crisis going on in the world and you should give all your attention to that. It's important that you only play out the worst case scenario and that you fear for the worst to play out the best case scenario. If you play optimistic, you might offend somebody who's genuinely scared by what's going on. So the best thing for you to do right now is blend in. Be like everybody else. Focus on the negativity, Focus on the worst case scenario. This is no time for optimism. This is no time for new opportunities. This is no time to learn something new. The more scared you are, the more you focus on the negativity, the more I run the show. And once again, you won't even know it's me. Capitalism is all about some people winning and some people losing. There's only a few winners and the rest of them are losers. That's why there's a 99% and a 1%. The world needs 99 percenters focusing on what everybody else tells them what to do. And then there's the 1% who get to tell the 99% what to focus on and what the world really looks like. Which one are you? That was a rhetorical question. I know you're in the 99%. So you keep on losing and I'll keep on capitalizing.
