CB LIVE! Courage to Leap and Lead with Lane Gardner, part 3, Episode 106

Now let me ask you this. Individuals that come to you, how, how can you help them in getting to the point of creating song?

I—

it sounds like most of your work is with groups. Can you help individuals come up with a song that expresses their angst or what's going on for them?

Right. So with the nonprofit, we really haven't done much individual work. We've really been focusing on group projects at the moment. But, you know, in, in the 30-plus years of teaching that and, and working with individuals, it's pretty much the same process that we would take a group through where you, you know, you really sort of work with that person to to start to tap into not only their creative impulses, but also, you know, what's in you that you want to share? What's your story? What's important to you? What do you know? And sort of just, you know, we go through activities, we go through games, we go through, you know, different kinds of experiences where it's really about helping to draw out those experiences and that creative flow. that then allows them to write the song. It's not me writing the song or, you know, a teaching artist writing the song for them. It's really about empowering them to use these elements and learn how to translate those experiences and those feelings into a rhythm, a rhyme, you know. And for people who feel like, oh my God, I'd never be able to do that, it's actually not hard at all. You actually already kind of know how to do it. You just have to sort of, you know, be taken through the process. And so one of the things that I see over and over and over again is how amazed individuals are at what they are capable of when they just, you know, and it's so life-changing for them. And for me, I mean, I, you know, I'm a songwriter too. I have used my own process on myself repeatedly. And, you know, it's, it is so overwhelmingly impactful. Let me just say that it impacts people in their own way. There's no like formula that says this, you will walk away with X, Y, and Z. But I think that the arts tend to sort of, you know, it's kind of like water running through the cracks. The arts and the creative process kind of fills in the gaps for that individual, you know.

Yes.

What do you need in your world? What do you, what do you need What do you need to have filled in that you're missing or that you're struggling with? And the process is both equally so individual and unique to them, but it's also so universal because, you know, the arts do that for us. They tell the story of who we are and who we've been and who we're becoming, and they reflect back to us, you know, so much of our humanity. And we rely on the arts to do that for us, even if We think that we're only just participants, you know, going to a concert or going to a show, you know, and that obviously brings a lot of benefits. But I'm such an advocate for, you know, using those small little creative nuggets on yourself. And then you're using the arts in this very intentional way to help yourself.

I think it's great. I have a friend Johannes, who also helps people through song. He actually coaches people that way. And I had him come to the Association of Corporate Executive Coaches, which I lead. And he did a webinar. And what he did is he asked each of us to write down some things that were important in our lives.

Mm-hmm.

And we just thought, oh, that's weird. Okay. So we wrote down, and I was getting ready to get married, so I wrote some things about that. And then he said, all right, put it on the screen so I could see it. He took each one and he made it into a song.

Yeah.

And I thought, oh my God, I'm a songwriter. And I felt So incredible.

Yeah.

It was just the most amazing experience I've had. And we all thought, wow, you know, that, that is a different type of coaching that really pulls from what we're feeling and puts it into a song. And we began to understand how songwriters write.

Yeah.

Yes.

Well, and to, and to, to, to, to, to just follow up with what you're saying, you know, in that group scenario, um, it's so easy to take not only these individual threads, but to, to use this process as a staff development for a company, for a team, for an organization.

Yes.

And what that does is it not only does it help you feel great and feel accomplished, like you were saying, like, I didn't, I didn't know I could write a song. But it also really helps, you know, those individuals to have so much more empathy and compassion for each other because they are seeing each other and witnessing and understanding each other on such a deeper level, which allows them to work together better.

Absolutely.

It allows them to problem solve better together because you're establishing trust, you're establishing connection. So the arts don't only have to be used just for you know, making music. You can, you can use these techniques for businesses, for corporations, for, you know, really anything. It can be adapted to so many different platforms and so many different formats because the impact of, of, on helping people connect and understand each other and see each other and value each other and problem solve and all of these things is exponential when you do it I agree.

Well, Rainn, we're coming towards the end of part 2. And so I'm going to— you know, I like to throw surprises at you. So the question I have is, you've led an extraordinary life, extraordinary life of courage and self-respect. I'm going to ask you to identify and tell us about What you feel was the most courageous thing that you have done? Bar none? Whoo.

Wow, that's a, that's a good question. I'm going to say that the most courageous thing that I have done, the thing that has probably impacted me the most and changed me and carved me out and healed me and triggered me and made me so much more of my authentic self is raising my son. And I have just literally sent him off to college 3 weeks ago. My son is on the autism spectrum. And, and so the, the most courageous thing that I did in terms of that experience was I bucked all of the systems in play.

Okay, first, this is, this is a whole nother episode. But for us, for those who don't know what autism autistic people go through. What is it?

So in a nutshell, autism is a nervous system dysregulation. So what it does is it, it makes for people with autism, they have a very hard time processing information, stimulus from the outside world, their nervous system regulates their sleep and regulates their perception, their social communication. It regulates the way in which they are able to process and communicate emotion. So it's basically an affliction of the nervous system. And so people with autism tend to struggle with regulation, self-regulation. They tend to struggle with social interactions. They tend to struggle with Unexpected events. They tend to struggle with outside stimulus that overwhelms their nervous system. And so a lot of times what looks to be like a, like a, like a bratty meltdown is actually them, their nervous system being overloaded.

Overloaded.

So it's an incredibly, incredibly wide range of the way in which it affects people. They call it a spectrum because There are some people on the spectrum who are nonverbal, who, you know, are much more what we call lower functioning. And then there's this entire spectrum of, you know, where there are people on the higher end of the spectrum who are able to function in society, but who do struggle with these certain things and these sort of, you know, daily, everyday challenges.

And so how did you discover that your son was afflicted with this?

Well, first of all, he didn't sleep for the first 5 years of his life. He would always get very overwhelmed if I took him out into a public setting. If I took him out to a restaurant, he would just— the sound was too much for him. He would engage in very repetitive behaviors and fixated behaviors. So I sent him to a very, very small preschool at 3 and a half years old, knowing that he would need a very small environment. And within a few months, the teachers gratefully came to me and said, listen, I, you know, we're seeing some things. I think, I think, you know, you should, you should definitely look into an evaluation. So that was 3 and a half years going on to 4 years. And since his diagnosis, This is the most courageous thing that I have done, is I have fought every day of my life to make sure that he has had the services, the supports, the, you know, the journey of working with not only the challenges that he has, but getting the tools to work with them. It's been so painful and difficult, because I think that there's a real lack of understanding to this day about autism. And I, and so I had to go through so many difficult experiences explaining why is my son behaving this way in public, you know, the judgment and the sort of the overarching misunderstanding of him. And so, you know, I, the most courageous thing that I could do was fight to To get him everything that he could possibly have, and you know the world is not really built for people with autism. You know, and so there were so many turns throughout the course of these 18 years where it felt so insurmountable, where I felt like I was taking gambles to get him these things that he needed that I wasn't sure if they were going to work out. But I can tell you in all pride and joy that my son just started at Berklee College of Music, Boston Conservatory, studying music composition. This is one of his talents. And he is so happy and so at ease. He's never been better. And the courage that I had to muster to fight tooth and nail for him was also fighting for myself, and fighting for my own healing and my own growth and my own journey. You know, as a parent, your kids tend to bring up all the stuff in you that's unresolved. And so I had to use a lot of courage to look in the mirror a lot and to heal myself as I was working to help him. And so that— I mean, as you know, my, my life as a whole has, has been a, an exercise in, in, uh, journey and in trauma and challenge. But this particular journey, in a nutshell, was so incredibly challenging and difficult and rewarding and transformational. And that's why I say that, that For me, that was the single most courageous thing, because it was not only just my son, but it was saving my own life as well.

Did you feel guilty for your son having this affliction?

Oh, sure. Yes. I mean, one, one of the things that I found out is, you know, since then is, is, you know, there was this whole thing when he was born in 2004, that, you know, vaccines were causing autism and all kinds of stuff. And, you know, I absolutely vaccinated him. And so there was a period of time where I thought, oh my God, did I do the wrong thing? But of course, I struggled so much with like, you know, did I do something that caused this? And, you know, to this day, there's very little answers about what causes autism. I think the research right now is showing more of a genetic situation. But I'm certainly not a medical doctor. And I, you know, I haven't really been digging into the research lately. But it's been very hard. And it's, it's been very challenging to, to raise him and, and not feel not only just overwhelmed by it, but feel so badly that it was such a hard journey for him. As well, you know there's nothing that you want more for your child than to have the best and easiest path of it. And the first 18 years of his life have been harrowing and challenging, but I tried to offer him as much grit and wisdom and tools. And so hopefully the next 18 years of his life will he will benefit from all that. he received through this process and, and the courage that I mustered in order to offer as much as I could to him.

And did you— did he go to a special high school? Yeah.

So he, throughout the course of his life, he went to multiple special needs schools. And he, you know, was in At certain parts of his development, he needed different things. So we did, you know, change schools throughout the course of his, of his education when it was needed.

But how did you know when to do this?

Um, part of it was just instinct, knowing him. And also, a lot of the work that I was doing at the time was in special needs schools. So I was learning so much about autism by working with so many other kids on the spectrum. And so I was able to bring that wisdom and knowledge and sort of, you know, see where he was and learn tools and strategies from the special needs teachers who are trained so extraordinarily to work with this population and community. And So it was kind of a little bit of, you know, multiple things where I really felt, you know, I saw that he had attained and gained many tools from that particular environment. And then I could see that maybe he was kind of plateauing a little bit. And so, you know, fierce mama bear has to step in and be like, okay, what's the next step? What's the next growth strategy that he needs for Now being a middle schooler or now being a high schooler, and how can I get him more social interaction so that he can practice being, you know, being in a more social environment? How can I get him, you know, skill— like one of the high schools that he went to, he got incredible classes on just executive functioning. How do you keep track of your stuff? How do you, you know, make sure that your schedule is working well? You know, I wish I had those classes.

Yeah.

And so, you know, I think that I just, I kind of just had this, this long-term vision always in mind, which was, I knew that he, he was such a gifted young man. And I knew that he was so capable of, of functioning so well in the world. And so I kind of just kept pulling out all the stops, you know, what is, what is the next thing that I think will grow him and help him to have the tools that he needs to live a life that's really fulfilling and to live a life that's very much about following his passions and engaging with people in meaningful ways. And I've only, you know, I've talked to him a couple times a week. And, you know, that's happening for him. He's, he's with his people. He's, he's— sharing and developing his gifts and talents. And, you know, sometimes the greatest acts of courage that we do for others are also the greatest acts of courage that we do for ourselves. And like I said, I— I was so grown and changed and transformed by being a mom in this chapter. I mean, I'm in a new chapter now, as you know, having a child who's out of the house, but That was the greatest gift that I gave him, and it was the greatest gift that I gave to myself. And, you know, I'm so extremely proud of the both of us for the journey that we went on together.

Did you have special groups or FaceTime groups or clubs or associations that you can go to to get advice or to give advice for moms who had children with this situation?

Yeah, I mean, there were in the schools that both— that I both taught in and that Miles was a part of, there were always support groups for parents. One of the things that I found so helpful was just speaking directly to the teachers themselves who were, you know, really involved in his journey and sort of knew the ins and outs and the progress and the challenges. And, and so that was super helpful to have that support as well. But I think that, you know, ultimately being able to be in a community that was both parents of special needs and also teachers of special needs really gave me so much context and so much support to make decisions not only that were best for him, but to also realize like, oh, I'm not in this alone. Like, there are other parents out there who are thinking like, I don't think I can do this today, you know, or like, how am I going to pick myself off the floor today? Because, you know, yesterday's episode was so hard, you know. And so, it's good to, it's good to connect and know that there are, you know, that there are groups out there. I mean, you know, there's so many groups on Facebook now where you can share stories and, and exchange, you know, tidbits and nuggets of wisdom. And it's such an important thing to feel connected.

How did you get him into Berkeley? Was that a struggle?

I have the coolest story ever about how he got into Berkeley. So he He chose a handful of schools that he wanted to audition for. He didn't want this huge, you know, epic college journey. And so, you know, he was putting his portfolio together. As a comp— as a composing major, you have to have these, you know, these pieces that you compose that you, you know, are part of your presentation. And he had gone on, you know, a couple of tours and auditions and But one of the things that he was so clear on was that he did not in any way want to share about his autism. He wanted it to be just simply on his talent, his merit. He was an incredibly gifted student as well, academic. And so, you know, we sort of disagreed about that, but I ultimately let him, you know, do it the way that he wanted to. So he went into his audition at Boston Conservatory at Berklee. And he was sitting there with his composer professors and doing an interview. And over the course of the previous summer, he had done a beautiful internship with a composition teacher, and he contributed to a concert, which is a benefit for people with autism. And so they asked him about this concert. And he had wrote— written some pieces for it and performed for the concert. And when he started speaking about that concert, he got a little emotional. And he then expressed to them that, you know, he himself was on the spectrum. And, you know, it was just incredibly meaningful and important for him, this concert and that work. And he came out of that audition. I was sitting outside and he was flying high. And it was the only audition that he put that authentic piece into the mix. And he was so happy and he felt like he had been so authentic and so real. And he— not only was he accepted to that program, which only took 11 freshmen from the entire world this year.

Yes.

He received an enormous scholarship. So it is, it is such a testament and a, and I think a great inspiration for all of us to know that when you bring your authentic self to the table, even if it's in the form of what the world might call a disability, It— his autism is perhaps one of his greatest gifts. And he, when he was able to own that in such— with such courage and such strength, look what happened. And there he is. And he's flying high right now. So great story, right?

I love the story more than what I could tell you, because I'm highly dyslexic. And for years, I didn't know what it was. And then I discovered it in grad school due to a tutor that I had. And then I hid it. Yeah. And when I opened my own company, I had a colleague who was helping me, and she was a former English schoolteacher. And every time I wrote something, she would correct it, even though it was out already, and there was nothing I could do about it. And I finally said, Enough. And I put on my email that I'm highly dyslexic. I don't know if you've seen an email from me. These are the other people that were dyslexic. And if it's a problem for you, you own the problem.

Yeah.

And it gave me such freedom because I've been terminated for jobs for being dyslexic.

Yeah.

And now it's like, It's all on you, baby. That's right. And so I love your son. I love him.

He's one of the coolest. He's a cool guy. I, I am proud to be his mom, and I'm so psyched to see where he goes, you know.

Hey everybody, before we end, do you have another song that you could sing for us?

Oh goodness. Um, I think this is apropos because we're talking about creative expression and we're talking about what's unique and beautiful in each of us.

Yes.

So this is a little— our little gospel version of This Little Light of Mine, which is—

Okay, let's rock it out.

Light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine everywhere I go. Everywhere I go, I'm gonna let it shine. Gonna let it shine everywhere I go. Everywhere I go, gonna let it shine. Everywhere I go, everywhere I go, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine. I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine all around my neighborhood. Gonna let it shine all around my neighborhood. I'm gonna let it shine all around my neighborhood. Don't let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. This little light of mine, don't let it shine, don't let it shine. This little light of mine, don't let it shine, this little light of mine, don't let it shine, let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Thank you both so much. How fantastic! What a special treat for us. Thank you. Thank you.