Anon Guest - Overcoming Victimhood And Integrating Anger

Foreign.

Welcome to the Man Talk Show. I'm Connor Beaton, and this episode is another anonymous guest. So in this episode, we kind of bounce around a little bit for the first few minutes, getting an understanding of what this individual is looking to work for. Work on.

Sorry.

And one of the things that I would like for you to listen to is that if you're going to listen to this episode, please try and listen to the whole thing. Because this is one of those experiences where more context, more understanding and more revealing happens throughout the entirety of the episode and sort of builds up to a kind of a climax towards the end where the individual's has some realizations about their specific challenges. And, you know, this is a really good example of how sometimes the things that we think we want to work on are actually not the things that we need to look at at all.

It's a really good example of how our shadow can kind of lead us astray in some ways. And so in this episode, we talk a lot about the victim, and that plays a huge role in this individual's process and the work that he's doing and embarking on. And one of the things that I want to say is that for many of us, we have a block to claiming our own sense of direction, to claiming our own sense of internal leadership, to being able to regulate ourselves internally, to be able to actualize our own individual sense of power, and to be able to utilize that in a way in our life that is generative and nourishing and expansive and contributive to our family, to our society, to our community. And those blocks can really range.

They can.

I mean, they can be a number of things. But I just want you to listen to what feels familiar to you in this episode. What feels foreign? What feels familiar? Just listen for those two things. And the reason why I say that is because. Because for all of us, one of the most challenging things for us to come into contact with, psychologically, emotionally, is where we are being the victim in our own life. And it's a very confronting thing to come into contact with. It's a very challenging thing sometimes to grasp where and how we are playing the victim in our own life. It's easy sometimes for other people to see it right when we get into that space, but it's very challenging for us as individuals to come into contact with it in a way that can be transformative and where we can actually alchemize the potency and the power that that victim has in our life into something that is, again, generative. Or contributive in our relationships and within our own inner work. So this is a great episode. I encourage you to listen to it on your own, maybe have your partner listen to it and then actually discuss your personal victim, what your victim looks like, sounds like, and where it shows up in your life. So without any further delay, please welcome my anonymous guest for this month.

How does it feel to just be here with me today and the conversation that we're about to embark on? How are you feeling? Just internally in the body?

A little bit nervous, but excited at the same time.

Yeah, nervous because. And excited because. Why?

Oh, just really, you know, learning a little bit more about what I'm going through and excited to really, you know, lean into it and understand as to why.

Good. All right, so maybe tell me, we can just start a little bit. Tell me a little bit about what you were hoping to work on. What were you. Just frame this conversation as not going to resolve something entirely, but maybe resolve something in its partiality.

Well, I think for me it's, you know, coming to terms with what I've done in my past, why things have happened in a certain way, and being able to really accept it, being able to really connect the dots as to why it's led to that and, you know, understanding that, you know, you're not a bad person for what's happened and being able to really. Yeah, like I said, just really come to terms and have acceptance with what's happening. Yeah.

Okay, so some, some grief, some shame about past, but also it sounds like a little bit of. Of confusion of not knowing why certain things had taken place.

Yeah, you could say that to a certain extent. Yeah, definitely.

Okay, so without maybe needing to go into a tremendous amount of. Of details about events and, and those types of pieces, what would you say you're trying to better understand about yourself.

To start off? Probably.

Trying to really validate me being a man by sleeping with as many women as I. As I did and really just unpacking that. I think if we start off with that, that would probably be good. Okay. Yeah.

Anything else?

Imposter syndrome, you know.

Why?

Well, where that has really kind of stemmed from.

Understanding, you know, how that's really played an impact in my career and also my self esteem as well.

Okay. All right, so how are you feeling right now? Just talking about some of these things. What are you experiencing in the body?

A bit of tingling probably around like my, my legs, my hands, a bit of my stomach as well.

Okay. All right, so let's, let's just start There with that. Let's make contact with that. So if you can just close the eyes just for a second and make contact with that tingling sensation in the body and the hands. Make contact and become aware of the tingling in the abdomen and feet.

And on your next inhale, deepen the inhale and extend the exhale.

And then make a statement when you're ready.

I'm in a safe place. I can be open and vulnerable.

And come to terms with what's happened.

And why things have led to.

And why things have led to this and where I am today.

Because where I am today is.

A different version of what I was in the past.

And the version I was in the past was.

A.

A man trying to really find his way through life with what he knew at the time.

Yeah. So saying that feels.

It makes me feel.

It makes me feel like.

Things have happened in my life.

To teach me something.

To come to terms with it and to let go.

And say that it's happened for a reason.

Yeah. When I look back at my life, the things that I shame myself for are.

Not standing up for myself.

Not.

Being a yes person just to try and please others and putting myself last.

Mm. Shame about my intelligence.

My Certain parts of my body, my body image. Compare. Compare it. Like comparing myself to others, to my friends.

Good. So stay there. Breathe in.

Just feel that connection. Stay. Stay connected to the tingling sensation in the body.

So if that part of me could speak right now, it would say.

It would say it's time to really let go of the burden, the pain, the anger, and the resentment.

Yeah. So just from first person. I'm ready to. I am.

I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to let go.

Yeah. What I've been carrying around is.

Excess baggage. Excess baggage for way too long.

Where I've carried that weight in my body is.

In my hands, my stomach.

My chest.

So make contact with that part. Stay with it. Stay with it.

And who does that part want to speak to?

Who does it not want to speak to?

Some of that really kind of like all the people that made fun of me.

All the people that doubted me.

All the people that.

Sometimes my parents.

Were you bullied?

I was bullied, yeah.

High school.

Was a big one for me.

That's probably where it kind of really took shape.

Okay, one more breath.

No.

So I just want you to just visualize bringing a chair or two into the room.

And.

Just seat one of the bullies or two of the bullies in those chairs who'd sit in those chairs just first name. All I need is.

Does that feel confronting?

Yeah, look, it. Does it. Because there's so many that I. It's really hard to really pinpoint which one I really want to target right now.

Give me a sec.

I'm just trying to really understand which one is really.

I'll go with a friend that I used to be friends with that bullied me. Go within.

Alex.

Good. So one breath in. Just let Alex have a seat.

And just stay in contact with the tingling in the body and the hands.

In the belly.

And then from that place, when you're ready, make a statement.

I remember the time.

He judged me.

For not.

He judged me because of my.

My intelligence. Not being smarter than you.

Being a virgin at the age of 16.

Embarrassing me specifically in front of other people, Shaming me in front of the other women.

Just to make you look good.

So saying that right now feels.

Confronting. Definitely.

My fingers. My hands are trembling right now. I can really feel it in my hands. I can really.

What are those parts? What does that part want to say? What is it wanting? Is it wanting to feel clenched? What kind of energy is that? Just describe it.

It's just like constant. Constant shaking. Nothing in the hands. It's just. I can feel.

Like it's just trembling, this energy.

Good. So let it. Let it be there. Let that trembling be there. Connect with it. Be with it. Become aware of it.

And then give it a voice. What does it want to say to Alex?

What kind of friend would do that? Mm.

I believe treat others the way you want to be treated.

If my anger had a voice right now, I'd say to you.

You.

Just make. Yeah, good. Keep going. Make fists with the hands. Make fists with the hands. Really feel that energy moving up into the. Up the arms, into the. Should.

I.

My anger wasn't.

You.

For shaming me, embarrassing me.

Making me.

Feel like.

The way you treated me was.

Unfair. Just to make you look good.

Yeah. The way you treated me reminded me of.

Of a fucking bully. Just to make. Just to get your kicks. Just to make you feel like you're a better man. You're more of a man than what I am.

You're the cool kid. Fuck you.

Deep breath.

Yeah. What I needed from you as a friend was.

To listen to me, not judge me, accept me for who I am.

Yeah.

But instead, you.

You just. You made fun of me, embarrassed me. After all that we've been through.

Yeah. You betrayed me.

You lost my trust.

Mm. Good.

One more deep breath.

Now.

What is the anxiety and the anger feel like in the body right now, just describe.

Feels like.

There's a lot of just energy just going towards my fingers in my hands. There's a lot of.

Just. It's vibrating at a really high, high level at the moment.

Yeah.

So. So again, make contact with the fingers, make contact with the hands. Be aware of the energy there. Let it move up and down. Tune into what it, what it desires. So from this place, from this place.

That energy had a sound. It would sound like, would sound like.

Strong wind.

It would sound like even like an earthquake because everything's just shaking. Like in my fingers. Just the energy is just, it's.

It's vibrating so much.

So from that place. Make a statement.

I want to let go.

Say it again a little louder.

I want to. I want to let go.

I'm tired of holding on to.

I'm tired of holding on to this pain.

Say that one more time.

I'm tired of holding on to this. It's not serving me.

I've been holding on to this for.

For way too long.

What it's done in my relationship is.

My relationship is.

I'm the victim. I'm.

A relationship.

And what this, what this pain has done to my relationship is.

It's hindered me.

It'S made me have shame, it's made me have guilt.

It'S caused me to have imposter syndrome. You doubted my fucking intelligence. You doubted me because I'm. It took me so long to break my virginity, you gave me imposter syndrome. It shamed me, really. Showing up as a fucking man, as a, as a, as a boy at that age who didn't know any fucking better.

So if the teenager in me had a voice, he'd say.

What would 16 year old you want to say to him?

Say to Alex.

Brother, you had my trust. Even though we've gone our separate ways.

I believe that it had to happen.

We've had, we've had our. We had our rough times where I forgave you for what you did and I feel like I forgive you more than what you forgive me. But now.

I've come to terms and I've accepted.

That I no longer need to hold on to what you've put me through.

So if 16 year old me wasn't being so nice, he'd say.

I'm better.

Off without you, mate.

I don't need a friend like you.

Yeah, so that first part again, I am.

I deserve better. I don't need a friend like you.

And I'm done with, I'm done with.

Fucking forgiving you and then going through that same cycle. Mm.

And I'm done with playing the victim to your.

Your games, to your vindictiveness. Just to make you look good, just. Just to make you feel.

Yeah, stay there. Stay there. So I've been vindictive when.

When I didn't. When you didn't get your way, you became vindictive.

Mm.

And how I've done that is.

I acted the same way back to you.

So you could actually have a taste of what it actually felt like.

Yeah.

So I felt ashamed of. I've been regretful of my.

Of my behavior as well.

How I acted.

Yeah.

Another.

Another breath. Another breath. There.

Now.

So just feel into that. Just let some connect to the energy in the shoulders and the front of the ch.

That's what an adolescent you would do. That's what teenage you did. He got hurt. He hurt back. He got put down. He finded a way to try and prove himself. He got shamed. Maybe he shamed back or played the victim, let himself crumble under it. It's a nice deep breath.

So who I've really been looking to forgive is myself.

Yeah. I've been trying to forgive myself for.

How I acted towards him.

That's been a big one.

The truth about my actions was I.

Was hurt by you.

Multiple times. And I tend to forgive. And then the same thing just replayed, but in a different circumstance.

My actions were.

Coming. What did you do?

I retaliated by.

I'm not really proud of this.

Where I nearly stabbed you with a pen.

So you got physical with him.

Yeah, you got me to that. You got me to that fucking point where I exploded, where enough was fucking enough.

It took me over the edge. And ever since then, things just. The distance just grew apart.

Yeah. And how I've. How I've acted like that in other parts of my life is when people.

Put me in that position. I act.

Where I explode in a way that.

I.

Yell and become.

Sometimes abusive.

Where I need to really hold my ground.

When I'm triggered to that point.

And I become physical without even knowing it.

It's like it flicks a switch in me.

Yeah. So nice, deep breath into that.

You know?

Yeah. So tune into.

Tune into and connect with the part of you that's explosive.

It's quite scary, to be honest.

It's okay. Yeah, I bet it is.

And it's.

And I can see where it's come from.

It's a nice deep breath.

Where I feel like it's come from is.

It'S come from other Events in my life where.

I needed to stand up for myself.

Where I was bullied.

And I've seen it play out.

Where things have become quite physical with other people, and I just replayed that same action.

So when I haven't. When I haven't stood up for myself, how I react to that is I become unpredictable.

I become resentful. I become.

Angry. Explosive in a way that it can happen at any time.

Yeah. The truth. The truth about my anger is that it's.

It's trying to protect me from you hurting me.

The truth about it that I don't want other people to know is.

Yeah, this is not me. This is the side of me that is triggered by the actions of people bullying me and crossing the line when enough is enough.

Okay.

Yeah.

So my rage is.

It can be like a raging bull.

I use my rage, too, to hold.

My ground, which is my last resort. I am not that type of person. I more like to talk things out. But if I'm put to that point where I'm triggered in a way that cuts deep, that isn't warranted, I will explode.

That's what I've noticed.

Yeah. So breathe into that.

And make contact with your anger energetically, spiritually, emotionally.

And then from that place, make another statement.

My anger is here to serve a purpose in a way that will.

I am. Say it from first person. I am.

I am.

Okay.

Yeah. I'm here to.

I'm here.

To express my anger in a way where it serves me, to protect me where it. When it needs to, not in. Not in any other way.

It's only here to serve me.

When I'm put in a position where I feel triggered, where it's cut deep.

Into parts that I'm insecure about.

Parts that I tend to be ashamed of.

And it's another breath, another breath. Stay there. Doing great.

So my father's anger was.

Very visible.

Okay. And it was explosive when things didn't go his way.

What would it sound like?

It would sound like.

Him being the victim.

Him being at the short end of the stick.

And saying. Saying that feels.

Saying that feels.

It hurts.

No one likes to be hurt. And hearing that and, you know, seeing that it wasn't really a good thing to see.

Really painted a picture on how.

How it's really impacted my life.

Okay. So one. One more breath. Keep breathing. Doing good.

So being around my father's anger felt.

Say that again.

It felt overwhelming. Ah.

Okay. Felt overwhelming because.

I didn't know what.

He was going to say when I. Whenever I needed Help with certain things.

He would just brush it aside.

Sometimes when he got to that point where he was so frustrated.

He would basically say that I'm not good enough.

And his excuse was that he wasn't educated to really show me the way.

And. Yeah, okay.

So he'd. He'd say things like.

He would say things like, you're not good enough.

And I remember one specific event where I had to just walk out.

And it was where I needed help, which is just. Just with my schoolwork. And it would just get dumped on my mouth.

Okay.

One more breath in. Good.

Good. So just let that move out for a moment and come back to your own anger. Come back to your own anger.

So when I feel angry, where I feel it in the body is.

In my hands, and.

So stay connected to that part. Stay connected to the anger.

So if that part of me had a voice, my anger had a voice right now would say.

How the. Could you.

Who's this? Speaking to.

People that have doubted me. And now I know specifically where this is coming from.

I. I know them now.

That's okay. Just stay with it. Yeah, it's okay. Stay with it for a second. Just stay with the anger. How could you? What? How could you.

How could you fucking belittle me? How could you make me feel like a piece of shit when I didn't even know any better?

I was here to come, to learn, not to be put down.

Yeah.

So hearing that feels.

Feels hurtful. It feels like I'm not enough. It feels like I don't belong.

It sounds familiar to.

It sounds familiar to.

Events that have happened.

Yeah. And also my father's.

Why? That he traded me.

Yeah. The way that he traded, maybe.

Yeah. Very, very similar.

Yeah.

Very similar.

Yeah. Yeah.

Good. So one more. One more breath.

Now.

I just want you to imagine this picture for a moment that in front of you, Dad's standing in front of you, maybe on the other side of the desk or the other side of the room, maybe he's sitting.

And when you're ready, just make a statement.

How do you feel knowing.

That you weren't the father that you really should have been for me?

How do you see how that's played out in our lives? Not just mine, but my brother's life and my sister's life.

Yeah. I've been waiting for you to apologize.

For all those hurtful things that you said. Not just brushing them away because you were uneducated of how to really problem solve. That's not my problem. That was your fault, not mine.

When you Played the victim. It was.

When you played the victim, it was like it wasn't your fault, but deep down it was just your lack of being able to problem solve and taking accountability.

And not outsourcing to other people to try and help you problem solve. And that's fucked my.

With my way in life in terms of my career.

Okay, pause there. Stay there.

So just switch seats for a moment. Sit in his seat. Just move over and sit in Dad's seat. Let him reply back.

So from there, when you're ready to make a statement.

So when you say swapping seats, he's where I am and I'm where he's correct. Just to.

Yeah, you're just sitting in his seat. He's just sitting in the seat of dad.

How would he. How would he respond back? How would he reply? What would he say to that?

If I was in his shoes.

I would say, look.

No, no, it's him. Just him. You're sitting in his seat. How would he reply back to that?

I'm really sorry for the way that I treated you.

I wish I could have been the father that you wanted. I didn't really.

My anger was.

My anger was.

A coping mechanism of how I dealt with my lack of.

Problem solving and my insecurities were.

Not being smart enough, not being able to.

Problem solve and out.

And needing to rely on other people being codependent.

Yeah. And I played the victim when I.

Couldn'T.

When things didn't go my way, when things were too hard.

Good. So switch back, sit back in your seat, deep breath.

And then reply back to him. I understand that because.

I understand that.

Because I know that your grandfather. Sorry, your dad was the same. I could see how it played out growing up.

I could see that. I could see. I could see the way he treated you.

And I also understand it in myself because I.

Because I'm replaying the same actions that you embedded in me when I was growing up.

Yeah. I've been playing the victim when.

When I can't problem solve, when I feel like I'm. You know, when I get feedback, I react the same way you have reacted in the past and I can see as to why now.

Yeah. And I've been waiting for. Wow. What have you been waiting for?

I've been waiting for validation from you.

You taking accountability for really not being the father that you should have been and not dumping this on Mum. That's what I've been. I want you to take accountability for that.

And I can see where I get my anxiety from. My mom.

Just stay there, though. Nice deep breath.

Stay with the anger. Stay with the.

Stay with the victim. So stay with that part. So making contact with that part of me feels.

It feels a bit overwhelming. It feels like I'm exposed.

Mm. Okay. Yep. Yeah. Be with the overwhelm. Be with the overwhelm. Stay connected to it. Be aware of it.

And just make. Make a comment from that place. Make a statement from that place.

I understand as to why I get overwhelmed sometimes, but it's okay. But it's not my fault.

It's not my fault as to why.

It'S not my fault, but it is my responsibility.

It's my responsibility to.

Grow, take accountability, take on feedback.

What my father wasn't able to teach me was.

Being able to take feedback, being able to problem solve, being able to not really have to rely on others and be so codependent.

And how to. And how to regulate the anger.

Yeah.

How to regulate the anger without. Without becoming the victim.

Yeah.

Your father. Your father used the. Being a victim to regulate his anger. It justified. It justified the explosions.

Yeah.

Right. And you've done the same thing.

Yeah.

The victim comes up. It's been the justification for the anger, for the explosions, for not having to hear the feedback. Yeah. Right. So just stay there with that. What do you experience when I say that?

It's Conor and Satra. It's so true. And coming to terms with that is probably been the hardest thing for me. And I can actually start connecting the dots as to why things have played out in my life with my career.

Needing to. Needing to actually, you know, with the bullying, Sleeping with as many women as I could just to validate myself as a man, to show them that I'm not a failure. Show those people that I'm not a failure.

The victim is a tricky piece. Right. We'll do a. We'll do a lot. We'll say a lot. We'll experience a lot just so that we don't have to feel like we're.

Like we're a victim. We're weak.

Yeah.

But the reality is, when we ignore that part, what happens to it?

It just. Fist is. And it just grows and it starts really just digging into your ego.

Digging into my.

My ego. Sorry. My ego.

Yeah. And what part? The part of me that my victim has held hostage is the part of my father that the victim held hostage was.

Being able to really be a man and.

Take on feedback.

And.

It would. My victim would use. My victim uses anger to express and deflect some.

Sometimes feedback, where I need to Hear it.

So sometimes it prevents me from.

It prevents me from growing as a human, as stepping out of my comfort.

Zone and taking the responsibility in some areas, being accountable for what's happening. Being accountable and responsible for your anger, for the defense mechanisms that pop up. So nice, deep breath in. Nice, deep breath in. All the way out. Yeah. So just. Just in a couple words, because we're going to have to wrap up here. What would you say your experience was in that exercise?

Definitely overwhelming.

I felt very exposed.

I felt like it really did peel the layers back even more.

Of how those past events, those certain events have played an impact on my life.

Yeah. So one more breath and you can just open your eyes and come back in. So I just want to say a few. A few words. I don't know or think necessarily I'm going to give you any action items right now. I might. We can talk about that after. But, you know, we all have lineage, right? We all have emotional lineage and physical and psychological lineages that we come from. And you know, in. In your lineage, you've been carrying on the. The lineage of having the victim within use anger as a weapon.

Yeah, it's bad.

And. And to. And to justify. Right. To justify that anger. It's not bad or good. It just is. Right. We all have our. We all have our shit. And there's an opportunity for you here. Right. Just like some of us come from families of addiction, and our lineage is addiction. So addiction shows up in our life. That's what's happened to me.

Right.

That happened to me in my life. Addiction showed up in my lineage and showed up in my life. And so I had to come to a place where I decided whether or not I wanted to carry on that. That lineage and I wanted to pass that on. And right now, you're coming to contact with that victimhood that's within you, you know, that part of you that wants to play the victim as the escape card from having to take responsibility or be responsible for his anger. And, you know, this is going to require compassion on yourself, my friend. You know, some compassion.

Yeah.

And. And it's hard. It's. You know, it is challenging. I know it is. So what I. What I really want to leave you with is a few things. One is very common for us as men, more common than you think it is. You are certainly not alone on this front. All right? I know and have worked with so many men whose fathers, when their anger came out, they would pretend to be the victim. Right. They were victims to their own anger circumstances Made me yell at you, right? Because you didn't listen to me.

I had to hit you.

So we've been raised by a lot.

Of men who have been victims to their anger. And what we have learned is that we are victim to ours. And that when our victimhood comes up, that that's where we get to use anger. Then we're justified in attacking others. We're justified in yelling or berating or being contemptuous and saying shit that we regret later. So this is going to be a process, right? This isn't going to be solved here. Today on this call, we unearthed maybe a core part of what's been handed down to you. And now you get to start to come into contact with. How do I work with this part? Knowing that sometimes I'm going to just. That victim's going to come out and I'm going to want to play the victim. I'm going to want to say, woe is me, and this isn't my fault, and I'm not, you know, et cetera, et cetera. And then my anger is going to come next. So knowing that, how do I want to regulate my own system? So you get to start to regulate your own system, learning that other people can't cause you to feel any which way. You know, if they're harmful to you and they're, they're bullying you and they're saying mean things to you, or, you know, they're ostracizing you or, you know, putting you out, that's where we put structure in, right? That's where we put some boundaries in place. That's where we start to implement.

A firmer, A firmer structure with these people in our lives. But that needs to start with you. That needs to start with you. And it has to start with you. From a place of love and compassion and acceptance. These aren't bad parts of you. These are parts of you that you are conditioned to re. Experience. And so let's start the work of unconditioning you and your nervous system and your body and your mind from going down these pathways.

Yeah.

So what I actually, I'm gonna, I.

I'm gonna give you an assignment. What I'd like you to do is to write about and describe your victim. When does he show up? What does he look like? What does he sound like? What does he feel like? Who does he show up the most around? So just describe it, because your dad.

I don't think, really got in touch.

With what his victim looked like. And because of that, because of that, it sort of ran the show sometimes. It was a big part of his shadow. So let's come into contact with and.

Define and start to look at the.

Edges of and the character of, of your victim. And we all have one, right? I have one. My wife has one. We all have a victim, right? It's this. It's this wonderful part. That's a slippery little bastard sometimes. So start to define it and refine it for yourself. Okay. And share that with me. Share that with me and bring that into. And maybe we have a follow up conversation on this part. Okay.

Yeah.

So thank you. Thank you so much for your honesty and transparency and your willingness to dive in and dig in and really, really solid work. Really, really solid work. I'm looking forward to hearing how this unfolds.

Thanks. Yeah, I really do appreciate.

Yeah, thanks. Thanks, brother. For everyone that's out there, if you feel that this episode landed for you and you know that somebody in your life could benefit from it, do please share it. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.