Anonymous Guest Session - Body Image, Weight, and the Father

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Welcome to the mantalk Show. I'm Connor Beaton and joining me today is another anonymous guest. This guest has actually been on the show before. He's joining me for a second time and we are going to be diving deep into body image, into weight, into health and wellness as this has been a struggle for this individual for quite a long time. And so we go deep into that topic and we also dive and explore a little bit around the relationship with the father that also comes up in this as the two for this gentleman are very much connected and linked. So I hope that you enjoy this episode and if you would like to be on the show, if you would like to be an anonymous guest on the podcast, please feel free to write me infoantalks ca and tell me a little bit about your story and what you would like to cover as an anonymous guest, man or woman alike. Thanks so much. I hope you enjoy this episode and talk soon. All right, my returning anonymous guest. How are you doing today?

Pretty good, all things considered.

Yeah. Yeah, good. All right, well that's wonderful. I appreciate you coming back on and why don't, why don't we just start off with a brief little recap to refresh our listeners minds. So maybe if you want you can just give a little bit of a recap of what we talked about last time and what stood out to you and maybe what you've learned or integrated since.

So we, we started off with something I wanted to work on which was my relationship to my weight. And we got into an experience in the fourth grade where I was isolated at the front of the classroom and like left to be alone. And then we went into my mom's addiction and her alcoholism and its impact and I was left to write a letter to addiction, which I did. And looking at my relationship to even my own personal addictions which are more not like drugs and alcohol but more along the lines of numbing out like with devices or even thinking is something I've gotten clear on. And.

I've had growth in the form of, I would say even breakdown in that I was doing really awesome with a discipline routine and I went on vacation and it just came crashing down. And I could see the pattern looking back now of how that relates to like every diet I've ever done and everything. And even looking back to the military where it was like be really disciplined for I was in the National Guard, so annual training or whatever we were doing.

And then I just see that pattern and I could see that I was doing it to fix things but the growth has been awareness in a big way. And seeing where.

I numb out from life.

As a way of coping with things, devices or thinking. I think I said that already, just that huge awareness there. And since that kind of reckoning of going from being on top of the world with being very disciplined to having it come crashing down, I was challenged by one of the men in my group in the alliance to take baby steps like don't meditate for 30 minutes, meditate for one minute. And as an example. But I went through and set really stringent boundaries around my phone and I have to have it for work. So it's in my office with me during the day. But I make a big effort to put it behind me on the bookshelf. That you see that way there's like an interruption between grabbing it and am I grabbing it because I need it, Am I grabbing it because I want an amount? And then in the evening I was leaving my phone in my room in a separate room so that I'd have to go grab it and be intentional about why I'm accessing it.

Good. So some, some pretty, some pretty powerful shifts since the last time we talked. It sounds like a lot has unfolded. You know, I really appreciate you.

Bringing in the awareness piece around that cycle that's shown up within discipline and that cycle that's shown up between discipline and the diets, you know, and having that sort of play out. And this is a very common thing, right? I mean I, I've definitely experienced that, but it's a very common thing for a lot of people to try and swing the pendulum to the other side, right. It's like I've been undisciplined and now I'm going to be hyper disciplined. And that's what I really want. And I, that if I get to this hyper disciplined state, then all my problems will be solved. But. And so the pendulum sort of swings back and forth and it's very much like that with, with the diet culture, right? Of like, you know, I'm going to eat unhealthy, I'm going to eat whatever I want and then I'm going to restrict and constrict everything that I intake to such a degree. But the problem is, is that those things, you know, pardon the metaphor, they, they feed off of each other, right? Because we're, when we're in that hyper constricted restricted phase of what we can or can't eat it generally, you know, if something that we're working on will create this desire to have that Freedom again to do whatever the hell we want to eat whatever we want, whenever we want. And it'll, it'll oftentimes push us back in that other direction. So just a few questions on that. One, why did that stand out with you? And two, where. Where do you feel like the origins of that cycle are for you? Like, what are some of the things that, that, that cycle of swinging the pendulum from one extreme to the another? Like what does that feel familiar to for you?

So the first question, why it stood out to me.

I think when everything, when the cycle repeated and it repeated in something, I was caught off guard because it repeated in a place that I didn't expect it. Like I've had it repeat in diets a million times. So that's like not overly surprising, maybe disappointing, but to have it be in a disciplined routine around. Because my routine was like this. I called it my three hour me time. I was like getting up at five in the morning and I was doing breath work, meditation, cold shower, journaling, the whole like everything you're supposed to do, I'm air quoting even though you can't see it, I'm sure. But I was doing all things you're supposed to do. And then when I went on a vacation and came back and then it didn't like I just lost. I didn't start doing it again. And I went back into like a lull and then I. They brought up a lot of shame and a lot of like. And I started numbing out to the point where my wife was finally like, what's going on? And you're constantly on my your phone. She was not happy about it. And so it caught me off guard. I'm like, I'm supposed to be having all this growth. I'm supposed to be this better person. I'm supposed to be like lots of things. I'm saying I should all over myself. And so with the growth though, I was able to get awareness as to like, wow. Like it just hit me in a way where I got a different point of view on it. So that was why it stood out to me to where it came from. I'm trying to get grounded in that. The first time I did a diet, I was probably in the fifth grade, maybe sixth grade, something like that.

And I witnessed my dad do it. He got out of the National Guard because of my mom's addiction and like he couldn't leave us alone with her. So I watched him like balloon. And then after things got normal, he like went on this huge diet thing and Got back in the National Guard, you know, like the whole. So maybe that was where I witnessed the pattern. And then I started it for myself. And when I was in the eighth grade, I was a wrestler and I was. I played football that year, and I was a heavyweight. I weighed like 160 and I was pretty heavy kid. And I started wrestling, and by the end of the wrestling season, I was wrestling like 130 or something like that. I went on a regimented, disciplined diet as an 8th grader and I. But it worked. I lost a lot of weight and I got down to. And I made varsity wrestling team. And like all of a sudden, like. But this was the big thing. Instead of being like this outcast fat kid, all of a sudden I got attention from girls and people wanted to be my friend kind of thing. And so I can see how I internalized that as I have to do this to get people to like me. And it kind of reinforced that feeling of. From the last time I was on the podcast, when I found myself at the front of the classroom by myself and my mom had told me all those things that no other kid liked me and all that. And I could put myself back in saying, like, on the playground, I'm telling. I can remember telling myself, I'll do whatever it takes to get these kids to like me. Like, I think that that got reinforced.

How you feeling right now as you say that?

It's something that I've already gotten aware of, so I'm not like shocked by it, but I am shaking, I guess.

I can feel the. The energy of it.

Yeah. Can you label the emotion that's there?

Sadness, I guess. Anger?

Guess not. I. The first thing that came to mind and I. I guess I put it out was determination, but that's not really an emotion.

Okay, so some sadness, some anger. A little bit of. A little bit of focus, right? There's an intensity to. Sounds like a little bit that there's a. Somewhat of a correlation between weight loss having a function. Right. That, like even what you described with your dad, it's like there was a purpose. He had a mission that he was on. And, you know, for him to go back into the National Guard and for you. Very similar thing. It was like there was a purpose, there was an external function and reason for you to, you know, go on that diet and be highly regimented. How does that land for you? Does that feel true? What do you experience when I say that?

Very true is what I would say.

What was it like for you? Because you served right in the military?

Yeah, I was in the National Guard.

Yeah. In National Guard as well. Yeah. So a little bit of following in Dad's footsteps.

Y.

Did you ever see him struggle with weight as well, or was it mostly. Yeah. Can you speak to that a little bit?

Yeah. I mean, he was a Yo yo Dieter, just like me, I think.

And even in my adult life, I've experienced shame from him in the sense that the first thing he says to me every time I see him is, hey, kid, you sure need to lose some weight or something like that. You know, it's like. I know it's coming from a place of. He's worried about me because I'm not, in essence. I've gotten out of the military. I've gotten to a point where I'm not healthy. I guess I lost my train of thought.

It's okay. It's all right. Yeah. So I was just saying there's a little bit of a similarity there between you and dad.

Yeah.

Yeah. What was it like to watch him. He said he was a Yo Yo Dieter. What was it like to watch him sort of go through those cycles of get. Being in really good shape and sort of being strict with himself? And what were some of the commentary that he would say around his diet? Like, just give us a little bit more context for what the experience was like for you?

Oh, I've never really looked at it like this. I think I experienced it with him in a way, because.

I remember when he got in really good shape and he got kind of back to going, and, like, his Persona changed. Like, he became happier. But I was. I tagged along with him everywhere. So I remember he went to the park every day and he would run laps, and I rode my bike alongside, and I had gotten a speedometer on my bike, and I measured, and I had sidewalk chalk, and I marked out all the miles for him. And then one day, I decided to start running, too, and.

I kind of shocked him because each lap he came around and expected my bike to be riding around, and it was still there. And I. I think I ran five miles or something like that. And I was. I was in the fourth or fifth grade, and I was a chubby kid, too, so that was, like, kind of a feat. And then my dad put me in a. Like a 3k or something like that. Is that the right number? I can't remember. And then I ran. I ran my first race, the Boulder. Boulder in Colorado, when I was, like, in the fourth or fifth grade. So I guess it was like a connection to my dad is what I'm feeling right now.

What's your. What's your relationship with, like, him. With him now?

It's kind of interesting.

I mean, I'm not. Not.

That's tough.

I can't label it. It's. It's like when I was in the Guard and I would go. I served in the same town that he lives in, so I would go stay with him because I lived. I live four hours away from him. And so every time I would go to drill, like, I would spend the weekend with him and hang out and, like, me and my dad get along great. We don't fight or anything like that. But since I've gotten out of the military, I don't see him as often. I'm not really giving a clear answer. I feel like I'm being swirly. I don't think I'm super close to him right now. Like, I talk about my. I talked to my dad about things like the weather or it's, like, logistical. But I don't talk to my dad about feelings, if that makes sense.

When would you say in your life you have felt the closest to him? Like, what are the periods of time in your life that you felt the closest to him? You mentioned feeling pretty close to him when you were in the National Guard, sort of following his footsteps. But when did you feel close to him?

Two things came to mind, and I'll give the very first thing, because it doesn't make any sense in a way, but maybe it does. I just remembered this moment. Like, he took me camping one on one when I was. I don't know, I was like 9, 8 or 9. So my mom's alcoholism was still going on. Ish. So I remember going camping one on one with him for a weekend. My dad had started this scholarship foundation, and he was a part of it. And he went to these meetings, like, every. Every week. And he took me with him to all of them, and I was, like, fully participated and engaged and it was exciting. And they actually gave me an award because I came up with all these ideas that they used for fundraising and things. And so that was the other thing that came to mind.

Okay, so, you know, it sounds like a lot of. A lot of trying to be close to him and trying to know him. And how well would you say you feel like you know him?

I don't feel like I know him from a sense of like. Like I know what truly makes him tick, I guess. Like, I. I've gained a piece of awareness that a big part of my Childhood was when my mom was really little, my mom was really. When I was really little, my mom was really. Her alcoholism was really bad. When I was like a toddler, I remember this fight they had where they were screaming at each other and she was drunk and all of that. And he went to leave and take me with him, and.

I got pulled in both directions, both arms, and ultimately he gave up and left me with her. And I. Through doing my work, I've seen that a big part of my childhood was to not be left alone again with my mom and to have my dad take me with him.

So I don't know if I'm making sense, I guess, but.

Some very clear that a big part of my, like, what's underneath for me is gaining approval.

Okay. Yeah. So still trying to gain some of his approval and find closeness with him. And some. Some of those pieces. What. What made you want to join the National Guard as well?

I mean, the easy answer is pay for college. I. My parents didn't have the means to pay for college, and I actually got a scholarship to college from the army and it paid for college. But I think I always was drawn to them, to the military and this wanting to serve. Like, I used to dig through my dad's stuff, and I'd get in trouble for getting in his military stuff as a kid, and I had, like, GI Joes and all the those things. And I acted out, like, as a kid I would play war, you know, So I think I was always drawn to military. My dad served his brother, served both of his brothers and one of his sisters. And so just maybe tradition.

Yeah. You know, it sounds like there's a few parts of you that are continuing to follow in his footsteps and still trying to understand him in a deeper way. Right. By understanding your own process through this. I'm curious if there's a part of you, but let's explore this a little bit before I continue to dig. So let's just work with this a little bit. Okay. So I'll get you to just close the eyes for a sec and just get comfortable and just tune in. Let your awareness just drop down into your body a little bit.

And just bring your breath.

A little lower into the body, bring your consciousness a little lower into the body, maybe down into your chest where your heart is.

So I am.

A fighter.

I'm a fighter because I.

I had to.

I had to fight growing up. Because.

You never knew what to expect.

Like.

I think.

For my dad's attention, of course, because of not wanting to be Left alone with my mom.

Yeah. And how I've been fighting her addiction is.

Oh.

Definitely hanging on to. Like, I avoided all of the pain and anger.

But also control. Like, can I guess I'm going a little bit later in life here, but, like, controlling my environment.

So I avoid the feeling of failure.

Okay, another deep breath.

Now.

And the part of my father I've been fighting for is.

Acceptance.

Okay. Acceptance and.

Understanding.

Yeah. Wanting him to understand.

What I went through.

Another deep breath. A little bit lower.

Now.

Just let your consciousness sink down a little bit more into your abdomen, right behind your belly button.

And above into your solar plex.

Yeah. So just let yourself give some voice to speak to him. So right now, in the. In my body, I feel tense, and where I feel that tension is.

My legs.

Okay. If that tension had a voice, it would say.

I'm overwhelmed.

Okay. Can you say it one more time? How would it sound?

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed because I.

Don'T feel like I'm enough.

And.

The first thing that comes to mind is I want to fix what's wrong.

Watching my father deal with weight challenges was.

Confusing. I guess.

The only thing I could think of that really comes up is, like, inspiring.

But then when he would. Yo, yo. It would be disappointing because that's what he expressed.

All right, so just imagine that dad's in the room with you. Just feel some of his presence, maybe sitting in a chair close to you.

So feeling him in my space feels.

Uncomfortable because.

I don't feel like I can be myself.

Yeah. So, dad, what I feel like I have to hide from you is.

My sensitive side.

Okay. But I don't feel like I can be myself around you because.

Of how judgmental you are of the world, of people, of yourself.

Yeah. Growing up. Growing up around you, struggling with your weight was.

Sad.

Nice, deep breath.

No.

So when you would put on weight, you would say things like.

I don't remember what he would say, but I just remember him seemingly depressed, I guess.

Okay, one more breath.

No.

So just notice the difference in his body language between when.

He was confident and in shape versus when he was maybe depressed, maybe a little overweight, judging himself.

And just notice what it feels like in your body.

So being around that felt.

Gloomy.

Like, right now in my body, I feel just tension everywhere. Like, my legs and my arms are. They feel like. Like a spring that's been coiled up.

Yeah. So feel into that tension. Stay with that spring. Stay with the quality of that energy.

Maybe let it compress a little bit more. So where do you feel it the most?

In my legs right now.

Yeah. Just be with that. So if this tension could speak to my father, it would say.

Why did you stay?

Yeah. Why did you stay and.

Deal with my mom?

Yeah. I've always wondered why you didn't take.

Us away from it.

Yeah. Keep letting that tension be there. Keep letting us speak. Breathe into it. Maybe just let yourself make fists.

Flex the legs a little bit. Really accentuate it. Feel that tension. Maybe flex your feet a little bit.

I needed you to take me away.

From her because it was dangerous.

What was dangerous?

My mom's alcoholism.

Yeah. Being around it as a child was scary, and I felt like you failed too.

Protect me.

How would it say it? How the tensions. Say it. Let it. Voice it.

Why didn't you just man up and leave?

How would it say it? Why didn't you?

Why didn't you just man up and leave?

Why did you let her addiction run your life?

Yeah.

Nice deep breath.

Now.

Yeah. Your addiction was. This is still to him.

Your addiction was my mom, I think.

What about her?

Her.

Making her happy.

Maybe her craziness.

Addicted to the roller coaster. Addicted to the yo yo. Addicted to the chaos. Right. Back and forth.

Showed up in his relationship. Showed up within himself, Showed up within his weight.

Not a sort of normal, classic addiction, but still a draw. The connection, attachment. Didn't want to let go of it. Nice, deep breath.

And now.

Yeah. So now I feel.

This is still feel frustrated. I've actually had this conversation with him. I went to see him about a year ago now for a weekend, and we had breakfast and I. We talk. We were talking about my mom and things, and I asked him, why did you stay? Like, point blank, why did you stay? And he looked at me. It's like, that's what you're supposed to do.

But.

Yeah, I think I kind of knocked him off balance a little bit because the rest of that weekend, even my sister was like, there's something up with him. Like, what did you say?

Yeah. And when I heard him say that, how I wanted to reply back was.

It'S so hard. I don't know. I don't think I let myself go there.

Yeah. Well, when I heard it, I felt what does it feel like to hear him say that? It's what you're supposed to do.

Frustrating.

What else?

Sad.

What did the frustration. What did the anger want to say?

Could have avoided a lot of heartache.

One more breath.

Now.

Anything else you wanted to say back to him? What would it sound like? What would the Anger and frustrate frustration sound like this is what you're supposed to do. What did you want to say?

That's fucking stupid.

Try and say. Try and say it without the laugh. That's.

It's stupid.

Like he. I mean, he gave up all of his dreams.

Say it to him. Say it directly to him. You.

You gave up all your dreams for. For my mom.

Yeah. And watching that as a boy was disheartening. I needed you to teach me that.

You need to put yourself first.

Saying that feels empowering.

Sort of like one of those aha moments. I guess.

How come?

Well, for one, I think I've always looked at my past and at myself and the things that happened.

And I've always kind of pinpointed him at my mom and her addiction because that's where all the energy was.

But I can see.

Like it just kind of. It's easy to just gloss over my relationship with my dad because my mom's took up so much space.

Yeah. So he enabled a little bit. They feel like he enabled it.

So. Dad, I needed you too.

Needed you to take me away from it.

And I need you to show me.

That it's okay to say no.

What else?

That.

It'S okay. I needed you.

It's a hard one. I can't label.

It's okay. I needed you to teach me how to.

How to stand up myself.

Huh. And how to stand up for.

Myself.

Mm. Yeah. And to stand up against.

My mom. I mean, specifically her addiction. Mm.

Yeah. You need to learn. No one showed you how to stand up to addiction.

No one showed you how to stand up to addiction. To love someone, but to stand up to their addiction. To say, I love you. I choose you. But I do not choose your addiction anymore. Don't choose it. Right. So you're still choosing your own addictions. You haven't fully stood up to them. That's why this back and forth pendulum keeps happening. What you were shown was coping. What you're showing was alleviation. Right. To alleviate the symptoms for a little while.

To alleviate the unhealthy habits for a little while. To alleviate the coping mechanisms for a little while. They always come back stronger, bigger. What do you experience when I say that?

I guess I feel like I'm sort of just floating right now a little bit. I mean, it just makes sense. Maybe a little bit of hopelessness.

Uh huh. Okay. Yeah. So stay. Stay there with that. So close your eyes again. Like, nice, deep breath in.

So where I feel that hopelessness in my body is right here.

Like, in my belly, I guess.

It's actually really hard to feel there.

Okay.

How come some covered it up?

Like, even now, like, just shame if we have friends over or whatever. I find myself, if I'm sitting on the couch, I'll put a pillow between me.

To cover it up. I think I.

Remember a podcast that you had where you said that you had shame on around your stomach, and it was like this feeling of wanting to cover it up, and I'm like, that totally resonated.

Okay, so put a hand over top of where you feel it.

And tune into that part.

So give that part of you a chance to speak so it feels like alone and disgust. If that disgust could speak, it would.

Say.

There'S something wrong with you.

Breathe into it.

I know.

I'm here because you haven't.

Learned to accept yourself.

What else I'm here because you.

Are afraid of?

I'm not sure, but I guess giving up control is the theme or the feeling I've had lately.

Mm. Okay, so nice. Deep breath in to that part of your stomach. Just breathe in. Feel that part. Just even feel the discomfort around. Bringing attention to it is bringing awareness to that part of you, Steven. Having us talk about that part. What is it? What does it want to do as we just bring awareness to it?

Run and hide.

Okay. Yeah. So if it could speak right now.

It'D probably say, get away from me.

Yeah, get away from me because I am disgusting.

I'm embarrassed about how.

How heavy I am, how out of shape I am.

I don't want people to see me.

Because they'll be disappointed in me.

Who does that part want to speak to?

Not sure.

It's okay. Just breathe into it.

Good.

Yeah. So if I could speak to this part, I would say, it's okay.

It's okay, and I'm here for you. Then I'm sorry that I've.

Ignored you.

And hidden you behind all of my shame.

Yeah. I've tried to bury you underneath.

Wait.

Breathe into it.

This part of me. How old this part of me feels.

Is nine or ten.

Okay, one more. Nice breath.

Keep.

Keep breathing. You feel a lot of emotions right now?

Yeah.

Okay, Just be with it. Just stay there. So one more breath.

All the way out.

And just let that part. Imagine that that part could just sit across from you. Almost like it's gonna sit and have a conversation with you.

So all the shame from your body is wrapped around it.

If it had a color, the color that it would be is.

Right.

And if it had a shape, it.

Would be.

The way I see, it's like this old person with a blanket around. Around them in front of me like a twisted shape.

So seeing you like this is.

Just makes my heart ache a little bit. Yeah.

Nice deep breath.

All the way out.

Yeah. So what does it want to say?

It's okay to come out.

Yeah. It's okay for you to.

Be yourself. What comes to mind is the classroom. And standing by myself at the other side, away from everybody.

Yep.

Yeah. Bit of a disassociation. So nice deep breath in.

All the way out.

Yeah.

So I'm sorry that I haven't. This is to that gray sort of twisted old figure that's been buried inside of you. I'm sorry that I haven't taken care of you. Yeah. The way I've treated you is.

Really shitty.

Neglect.

Yeah.

I've neglected you because you were embarrassing.

Yeah. And you reminded me of.

Being rejected.

Yeah. And also my mother's, like, her addiction.

Doesn'T feel like the right word. Her harshness, her.

Like, criticalness. Yeah.

Her criticalness was damaging to me because.

I never felt like I was good enough.

Yeah. The part still lives in there. One more breath.

No.

Yeah. So you've been waiting for dad to. This is still that part. You've been waiting for dad to take me away.

But.

Before that, what came to mind was just accept me for who I am.

That is the taking away. So how I've rejected you is.

This is to myself.

This is to that part of you.

How I've rejected you is to hide you.

One more breath.

And out.

So if this part could speak to my body, it would say.

Let me out.

Let me out and play. Okay. Yeah.

That's what came to mind.

Yeah. It's all good. Yeah. Yeah. I've really been missing.

Having fun.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's okay. They still feel it. What just came up there was.

Just sadness. Yeah. It's a lot of restriction. So how I've repressed my own joy.

Is putting myself, like, in a box, like.

Being rigid.

Yeah.

When I do let myself.

Enjoy something or whatever, I make myself feel bad for it.

Okay. Yeah. So if that part of me could speak, that part that wants out and wants to have fun.

It would say.

To me, just let go.

How would it sound? What would it sound like? Would it be yelling? Would it be laughing?

It would. I want to laugh. So. Okay. It would be like, just let go. Stupid.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why you been so damn serious?

Yeah. Yeah. So you lost a little bit of joy in that experience. Hey. Being or being around the Addiction. Watching your father sort of, yo, yo, back and forth. Was he a pretty serious guy?

Yeah, he's.

I. When I was working one time, I traveled to where his sister lives for work, and I had dinner with his older sister, and she said his mom used to describe him as the hard shoe.

Okay.

Well, it's just really serious.

Yeah. Yeah.

And really boring.

So you've repressed some joy, Right. You've repressed that playful, sensitive, innocent boy that was within you, that wanted to have a little bit of fun. Right. That wanted to express himself. So you've had to contort that part. Where have you looked for joy as an adult? What have you tried to use as a means of giving yourself a sense of relief from the stress and the strain?

The first thing that comes to mind is my favorite vacation spot.

Like, right now, I know my wife could answer the question for me. If you could do anything, where would you want to go? And, like, it's a specific hotel, a specific place.

Yeah. How has food played into that?

Oh, for sure.

Like, there's that moment of, like, it just. Like, I like ordering a pizza. It's exciting. Get it? And then, like, it's great. And then afterwards, it's just, for me, like, full of shame afterwards, though.

Yeah. So that's. That's part of the cycle, right, Is that there's.

In a few of these experiences that we've talked about and gone through last. The last podcast and this podcast, the last session. This session, there's a lot of experiences where your sense of joy has been enmeshed with shame. You know, the experience with your father, the experience with the school, some of the experiences that you had with your mom, they're all sort of, like, constricting. The joy within you, the. The innocence within you. The child that just wanted to sort of be free, you know, and to express himself. And it sounds like there's a part of you that's been trying to reclaim that. And it's, you know, it's very common to use coping mechanisms as a means to get that right. So using alcohol or, you know, drugs or video games or porn or food as a means of. It's like, I'll get this hit, you know, but then there's shame after. And so there's that shame cycle that you grew up around.

That totally resonates.

Okay.

I think I've started to see that through all of the work and letter writing and all of those things. The work in the alliance.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, I think there's a. There's a few other steps that we could take to kind of get in touch with the body. But I think what I would love for you to do is to start to bring a little bit more playfulness into your day to day, you know, to look for opportunities to, to infuse some of your work, infuse some of your activities, infuse family time with a little bit more playfulness, a little bit more joy, to break out of that rigidity. You know, I think you've adopted some of your dad's rigidity. You've become him in some way. And there is this very jovial, light hearted, you know, sort of like a bright person that I've, I can see in you all the time. He's always there, but he's hidden, you know, and that, that manifestation that you brought forward, that withered up, you know, the old guy, the old figure, you know, wrapped in the gray blanket, it's very much indicative of like.

That'S the part of you that has been malnourished, you know, and it's that joyful part of you that's been malnourished. So you've been, you've been sort of feeding yourself in a different way to try and bring yourself some semblance of happiness or joy. So try and find some opportunities for play. Try and bring play into everything that you do, right? Like a sense of like light heartedness and a sense of just for a bit, right, A sense of like youthfulness right into how you prep meals, into how like what you're ordering into, into all these experiences, especially around, around food itself. Like bring some, bring some joy and playfulness into it in a way that's going to not leave shame on the other side, right? In a way where you're going to be, you're going to get to continue to experience some of that joy. So that's one thing. And then the second thing, you know, this is where I wish that we had weekends because you could come and do some physical work. But I think you need to start to work on releasing some of that physicality. So you know, you can practice you having your own hand over that part of your abdomen where you sort of feel some of that constriction, some of that tension. I think it'd be good, I don't know what the relationship is with your wife to be able to maybe do a little bit of like some exercises where you know, you can lay and breathe and you can have her hands, you know, on your legs where you feel that tension or on your Arms where you feel that tension. And it doesn't have to be anything other than you acclimatizing to having people literally touch the parts of you that are holding shame. Right. And so, again, I think I described this before. You know, I've had my wife put her hand on my stomach where I felt a lot of that shame, a lot of that anger. And to just breathe in and get comfortable with the sensation of somebody sort of touching this part of my body where I hold a tremendous amount of shame and anger. And so you might want to do that as well, right? Have like, you know, have her put. Put some hands on the part of your abdomen where you feel that shame and you tune into it and. And to. To feel into that. You can also, you know, there's certain practices or practitioners you can go and work with. Right. Like.

Somatic releasing. We didn't do a lot of that in this session, but maybe next time we'll. We'll do like a somatic release. We can start to work with that part a little bit more. Rolfing could be another good one. R O F L. That could be a good practice to look into, but to really start to find different ways to release some of the shame that has been repressed and held on to. Because that's. That's really what you stored. You stored a tremendous amount of shame. You know, embarrassment for mom, for the addiction, for her addiction, for the roller coaster. How does that land?

The. The touching the stomach thing is, like, queasy.

Yeah.

Like, my wife knows I hate it. Like, or if my kids are jumping around and having a good time, if they touch my stomach, it just is like, I get upset. I'm like, don't touch my stomach.

Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, so there's some space there. So maybe we can work with that next time. Okay.

All right.

All right, my friend, we're going to have to wrap up here today. Thank you so much for joining me again and for everyone that's out there again, please share this episode if you know someone that would benefit from it, or even if you think that you know someone that would enjoy listening to it and tuning in for their own development and awareness. Thank you very much, anonymous guest, for joining me. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.

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