How To Handle Chronic Complainers

So years ago I put this video on YouTube. It was actually from the podcast. It was just audio of me talking about chronic complainers. And it's one of the highest ranked videos on my channel so far. And so I thought I would revisit it because it was so interesting to read the comments. There was like hundreds and hundreds of comments on this video. And it's so funny to hear people's opinions, you know, when it comes to people that are complaining, right, it's like, ah, just leave them and you're advocating for being their therapist and you know, all this, all this kind of stuff. And so I kind of wanted to do a 2.0 because clearly some of you, some of us have some, some real issues with chronic complainers in our lives. Bosses, grandparents, parents, husbands, wives, you know, you name it. There seems to be no shortage of chronic complainers in our lives. And I would imagine that over the past couple years, this has not lessened, right? This has probably gotten worse and worse. So let's just talk briefly. What is a chronic complainer? The best way that I've heard it described is that an optimist will see the glass half full, right? The optimist sees what's there and can acknowledge it and is grateful for it, whereas the pessimist has. Sees the glass half empty. And the chronic complainer has a problem with everything, right? There's a problem with the glass, there's a problem with how much water is in the glass. The water in the glass, you know, the table that the glass is on, the person that poured the water. The chronic complainer is really the person who is complaining about almost every single aspect, right? They are the victim, archetype. They're the ones who have problems and issues with almost everything. And except for them, right? They're, they're usually not part of the problem. They're usually the one that is the victim to the problem. And that's the really important piece. Chronic complainers are generally people who not only see problems everywhere, but it's often a behavior that has been learned either through growing up around people that were chronic complainers. So, you know, they might have had a parent or, you know, been married to one, and they sort of adopted this complaining mentality and this modality. And for many people, they try and use complaints to get their way in the world. You know, I see this a lot with nice guys. There's this sort of notion that if we just complain enough, if we criticize enough, then maybe we'll get our needs met. And so in A in a sort of weird, twisted, warped, inadvertent way. What's actually happening with chronic complainers is they're trying to get their needs met. They're trying to express something that they want or that they desire. They're trying to express a fear that they have or a connection that they want. But how they go about it is by trying to complain their way into getting their needs met. And it's usually doesn't work very well. I've also noticed that chronic complainers are often people who have the perspective, whether true or not, but have the perspective that they've really been beaten down by life. You know, life has taken advantage of them, or people have taken advantage of them. Maybe they've experienced abuse or neglect or abandonment. Maybe they have some form of trauma that is unhealed. And. And so how that pain within them. Right. Eckhart Tolle would call this the pain body. How the pain body is manifesting within that person's identity, within their ego and their Persona and their interactions with you in the world is through complaints. So I like to take this mindset, this framework, when I'm dealing with people who are chronically complaining. And to be honest, I don't have many of them in my life anymore. There's. And when I say not many, I mean there are none. So I just want to be very clear on that. And that's not because I haven't had people in my life that had chronically complained or that I've cut them all out. It's that they've shifted, they've adapted, they've grown. But I like to take this framework that when someone is chronically complaining, they are in pain, you know, they are hurting, you might just not see it. I remember growing up, my stepdad had multiple back surgeries, and he was constantly complaining about how much pain he was in. It was a very real pain. Right? He was limping, it was hard for him to walk. He was laid up all the time. You know, he had multiple surgeries on the same disc in his back, and he was constantly in a lot of physical pain. Chronic complainers are often people that are in a lot of emotional, psychological pain, maybe physical pain as well, but generally psychological and emotional pain. So it's a type of pain that you just can't see. So in some ways, that gives me a little bit of empathy and compassion when I'm dealing with them. Now, that doesn't mean that you need to have no boundaries around them. Right. I think one of the best things that I would say around this is that healthy people who complain need empathy, right? Healthy people who complain need empathy, whereas chronic complainers need boundaries, they need structure. And yes, we can be empathetic for them in their plight. But, but if you've ever dealt with a chronic complainer, you know that your empathy almost goes nowhere because that person is a sort of empathetic narcissist, right? They think that they should have all of the empathy and all the compassion. Everyone should feel sorry for them, everyone should feel pity for them, and they sort of become this empathy black hole where they just suck in empathy and they don't give any back out to the people around them. And so again, chronic complainers, they're people that are in pain, right? So just keep that in mind because I think in my last video, as I read through the comments, I saw a lot of rage, you know, I saw a lot of anger, I saw a lot of dismissiveness towards people who are chronic complainers. And I think we miss out on the fact that again, these people are human beings and they are people that are really, really hurting. Because why else would you just complain about everything in your life unless you were really in pain? So how do we deal with chronic complainers? I think really one of the easiest ways to look at this is where most people go wrong. So where most people go wrong up front with chronic complainers is that they try and solve that person's problems, right? It's just human nature, especially if it's somebody that's close to you, right? It's your, your partner, somebody that you started dating, it's a parent, it's a friend, it's a family member. And they start bringing their complaints to you. And for most of us, it's like, oh, I can be of value. I can help this person, I can support them, I can give them advice, I can try and solve their problems. I can, you know, be overly empathetic towards them. And that, unfortunately, is a wrong course of action. Because in many ways, chronic complainers don't want their problems solved, right? They don't want their problems solved because again, they're stuck in the victim archetype. And the victim always needs a problem. It always needs something oppressing it, pushing it down, causing it to feel small. And so when people are stuck in this chronic complaint, they need those problems. They need the people that are problems, the circumstances that are problems. And so complainers don't really want the resolution, and they sure as hell don't want you to fix the problem for them. They might Say that they do. They might ask you for advice, they might ask you to help them with their problems. But at the end of the day, if you really pay close enough attention to what happens, they don't want that resolution because they want to hold on to the problem. They want to complain. You know, again, these are, are often people that have a tremendous amount of pain in them that they don't know how to deal with that they haven't liberated themselves from. And so the second thing that I would say is don't feed their complaints, right? Don't feed it, you know, unless it's really, really valid. Like, unless you're like, actually, yeah, I would, I would have a tough time with that as well. Don't feed their complaints. You know, if they're complaining about a family member, a friend or their girlfriend or their boyfriend or whatever it is, don't go along with it. I think one of the best things that you can do is to avoid giving advice, avoid validating and verifying, like, ah, that's so tough. Move straight towards asking, what are you going to do about that? Right? You know, I've heard you talk about this a couple times. What are you planning on doing about that? You know, you've brought this challenge with your girlfriend to me seven times. Every time that we've talked in the last month, I've heard this, or every time that we've had this conversation about your parents, you've said the same thing, but it doesn't sound like you've taken any action. So what are you planning on doing about that? And then stop talking, pause, hear what they have to say. Because the last thing that we want to do, again, we want to move out of the seat of trying to validate, trying to be overly empathetic, trying to solve their problems. And we want to really see, is this person going to create any kind of substantial change for themselves, Are they going to take action? Because that is the moving out of the victim archetype, the individual who has been taken over by the victim. Right. Poor me, you know, I have it so hard. My life is shit. People are out to get me. Life's out to get me. God's out to get me, my boss is out to get me, my family's out to get me, my wife is out to get me, my husband's out to get me. That person cannot be liberated. Externally. You might be able to help them a little bit, but the best thing that you can do for them is point them in the direction of, how are you going to Help yourself. How are you going to help you? And that might be a good question to ask. You know, I remember a situation with a friend of mine years ago, and this kind of brings us into the closing conversation of there might be times where you have to kind of break up with these people, you know, where you need to not cut them out of your life. Because that, you know, that to me, that sounds a little harsh, you know, like you're angry, you're pissed off. It's like, fuck you. Get out of my life. And so you kind of give them the middle finger and tell them to go on their way. That's not necessarily how I would handle this situation. Or. And I. Because I don't think it's effective. I think that it reaffirms that that person's a victim and. And you just become another villain in their story. But years ago, I had a friend who. He'd always kind of been negative, you know, he'd always been a pessimist, for sure. And then some circumstances happened in his life where he. He tipped into the valley of the chronic complainer, and he really got taken over by the victim archetype. And before you knew it, everything that came out of this guy's mouth was just complaining. Complaining about his girlfriend and her parents, complaining about his parents, complaining about his job and his boss and the government. And like, literally everything that he talked about was a complaint. And I had had a couple conversations with him about him. I had emphasized, you know, I. I tried validating what he was feeling because I didn't know. I didn't know how to deal with this at the time. I never really encountered somebody that was really chronically stuck in their complaints to the degree that this guy was. And so I tried all of these things. You know, I tried verifying and validating that he was going through a hard time. I tried saying, you know, I think that's really tough. I tried empathizing. I tried giving him advice. I tried helping him. I tried helping him solve some of his problems. None of it worked. And so finally I had a conversation with him where I said, you know, I have heard you complain for the last year about the same problems and asked you time and time again what you were planning on doing about it. And you don't seem to be willing or wanting to do that. And the amount of negativity and complaints and pity that you have for yourself is really damaging our relationship. And I love you, but I don't want to be around you anymore. And so unless you're Willing to actually do something about the problems and the challenges that you're facing in your life and stop playing the victim. I don't want to spend time with you anymore. I don't want to hang out with you anymore. Don't call me. And it was a really hard conversation to have, but I came from this place of I love you, and here's the problem. It's you, right? You. You are the problem, right? It's not me, it's you. It's a very, like, role reversal from a sort of like a normal breakup. But that really worked, right? Six months later, we didn't talk for a number of months. Six, seven months later, he messaged me and he said, hey, you know, I really appreciate the conversation that we had. It was really hard for me to hear. I hated you for weeks and for months after that. But eventually I couldn't escape the fact that you were right and I wasn't willing to lose you as a friend because I was literally his closest friend in the world. He said, I wasn't willing to lose you as a friend. It made me question what was really going on for me. Now, that's not always going to be the case. Some people are going to double down on their victim. You know, they're going to double down on their complaints when you set a boundary with them. So be boundaried. Ask them, what are you going to do about it? How are you going to help you? Because no one else can. No one else is coming to save you. And you know that and see what they say. So if you enjoyed this, let me know what you thought. Let me know what you've done to navigate, deal with, interact with chronic complainers in your own life. Don't forget to subscribe. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.