Men's Work Session - Healing The Masculine Within

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Team. Welcome back to the Man Talks Show. I'm Connor Beaton and I'm the host of this here show. If you are new to the show, welcome. If you're not new to the show, welcome back. But just as a quick reminder, the Man Talks show and organization is dedicated to the betterment of men everywhere. It is for men, from men and about men. And so we bring on guests, psychologists, therapists, authors, entrepreneurs, cosmologists, astrophysicists, you name it, to share on their insights about what it means to be a man in the world today and how you can better yourself in any way, shape and form. This specific type of episode is where I bring in an anonymous guest. And this is a man who is looking to do some work to better himself in some capacity, whether that's to better himself as a father, as a partner in his work, in his purpose, in his health, in his mindset. And so in today's episode, I go in with somebody and we talk a good amount of being around a parent's anger, specifically this man being around his father's anger and the weight that it was to. To be around that person's anger and the impact it's had on his mental wellbe, the impact that it's taken on his relationships and really the impact that it's had on his ability and capacity to lead himself through challenges, through obstacles. So you'll hear this reoccurring pattern throughout the episode that continues to show up. And I would encourage you to share this episode with somebody that you know will enjoy it, to share this episode with somebody that may have had a similar past or be facing similar challenges in their life. And this might be a good episode to listen to with your significant other if that resonates with you. So without any further delay, please listen to this episode through the lens of you're a fly on the wall. You're in a part of this conversation, and see if you can find the parts of this individual story that feels familiar to you, that. That feels familiar to your life, your story, your past, your present, and see where you can see yourself in this individual's story and challenges. And you might gain a little bit of insight in how you can learn the same or similar lessons and untangle the web that this individual has found themselves in. So without any further delay, please welcome my anonymous guest. All right, my anonymous friend, how are you today?

I'm doing okay. I'm hanging in there.

Loaded question. Right?

Right, right.

Yeah, it's like one of those things where it's like you Sit down in the office.

With the therapist and psychologist. And they're like, how are you today? And you're like, what kind of question is that? Why do you start. I remember the first time that I went to therapy, sort of like traditional therapy, because I had done a lot of work with an apprentice in an apprenticeship role. And the first time I went to traditional therapy, I sat down and it was this woman across from me, and it was very cliche, right? She's sitting in this elevated chair. I'm on a couch. She's got a notepad. And she's like, so how are you today? And I was like, well, I'm in your office, so clearly shit's not going well.

Right, right.

You know, I was like, what a strange question to start off with. But anyway, there we are. So, listen, my friend, we have a couple things that I think we can talk about. We talked a little bit before, and I just want to maybe give the floor to you to give some sense of what you'd like to work on. So if you can give myself and maybe the listeners a bit of a sense of what you're wanting to work on and what you would ideally like to get out of this conversation and any context that you feel is necessary to fill in from there.

Sure, yeah. I would really like to explore. I've always struggled with self confidence and self worth, and as far as masculinity goes, I have always kind of felt less than in the traditional sense. All the things you typically consider masculine, you know, building things, killing things, knowing how machines work, all of that is not in my skill set. I am very much more of a talker and a listener. I'm a musician. I'm, you know, a poet. So I've always struggled with, you know, that type of stuff and. And kind of put up a false front, a mask. You know, when someone says, oh, yeah, look at that Mustang. Oh, it's got a, you know, whatever, eight cylinder. And I'm like, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's great. Like, even though I have no idea what they're talking about, so it always felt very, very false to me. And. And I always said, you know, oh, I embrace my feminine side. So it. I've never really, you know, I don't know, you know, finding. Finding that masculine energy. That's me. And not the. What I think it. It should be. Yeah. So just kind of that. That self confidence and. And not having to put up those masks in order to feel like, you know, to show the world what I think they should see and to be authentic.

Yeah. Really well articulated, you know, really straightforward and clear right out the gates. Right. I struggle to find my own brand of, of masculinity. And I struggle to. And I'm just repeating back, right? So you tell me if I've. If I've got this, but I struggled to find my own brand of masculinity and tied with that, I struggle to maintain a sense of self worth and self confidence. I'm curious if you've ever considered that those things are interconnected for you or in general.

Interesting. Yeah, yeah, I think, I think, yeah. That they definitely are, you know, that, you know, if you have that, that sense of self worth and you know, are kind of grounded in that, that the confidence kind of springs from that. Sure.

Got it. Okay, so I'm going to just ask some random questions. We're going to explore a little bit and we'll see where this takes us. Because I think this is. Well, first off, I want to say this is a very common thing. You know, I've been working with men for a decade now from all over the world. It's actually more common than you would think. That is exactly what you're saying. I struggle to connect with my own version or brand of masculinity because maybe I don't necessarily like or connect with this sort of traditional, maybe 1920s version of masculinity.

Right.

I gotta like the Mustangs and I, you know, I have to know about how to build or change, you know, repair cars and that there's a part of masculinity that can connect to that. Right. Working with our hands, building things, wanting to create out in the world. But it's often something much more than that. And so. But I think it's a very common experience for a lot of guys to say. I don't really, I haven't really defined what it is for me. And not only have I not necessarily defined it, but it seems analogous. And I have resistance towards the masculinity that I normally see. So let's explore a couple of these things. So first and foremost, how would you define self confidence and how do you know when you see it in someone? How would you define it and how do you know when you see it in someone?

I think I would define it as being comfortable in your own skin, kind of independent of. Of circumstances to a certain degree. And yeah, I, I would define it as, you know, just that sense of ease that somebody has when they're walking and talking. And it's different from arrogance. I become instantly like Defensive and distrustful. When I see someone who's arrogant, but someone who has that kind of authentic ease in their own skin and the way they walk, the way they talk, the way they communicate, I am, I'm drawn to that. It has the opposite effect of the, of the arrogance.

Yeah, that's a great, I think that's a great description that I think a lot of people would connect to. And how would you differentiate self confidence from a sense of self worth? What's the delineation there? And maybe if you can just give a little bit of a definition of self worth.

So self worth I think is knowing your inherent value regardless of circumstances. I think that's where I struggle is I let circumstances determine my worth. And I've really been trying to like dig down to that, to know that, you know, you know, I kind of, if you think of these, for lack of a better term, like God given qualities that really nothing outside can change. So kind of your, your essence and its intrinsic value and knowing that, and I'm not sure about the difference between that and self confidence. I guess the self confidence would be how you express.

That intrinsic worth in social sense situation. So I think it could be, you know, you could have great self worth but be unsure of how to present it outside of yourself.

Yeah.

And so I guess what you're saying is that, and again, we're just exploring here for right now, do you believe that you can have self confidence without self worth or are those two things interconnected?

I think they're interconnected. I think that if you do present that self confidence without it coming from a sense of self worth, that it does, it comes off as, as false. It comes off as a bit on the arrogant side if it's not grounded in something real. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, so, so I'm just gonna mirror this back and you add or alter anything that, that I've, that I've said. So self confidence, being comfortable in my own skin regardless of circumstances, a sense of ease, a sense of peace, and a connection to who I authentically am, who I authentically view myself to be. Is that roughly accurate?

Yeah. No. That's good.

And then self worth is knowing my inherent value regardless of external circumstances. So not having my worth or value be tied to whether I do something right or wrong, having my value, knowing that I have worth despite the things that might happen in my life. Is that accurate?

That's very accurate, yes.

Okay, so somewhere, and I'm just going to make a statement and you tell me if it's accurate or not. Somewhere along the line, something happened in your life where you questioned having value or having worth in a very deep way.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's all very tied to making mistakes and having my self worth tied to whether I did things correctly, whether I behaved in the right way. And it's something that I've been exploring kind of in work with a men's coach as well as individual therapy. As far as the imprint that that kind of left on me.

Yeah. Again, another very common thing. Right. For a lot of men, which is if what I do is not good, then who I am as a man must be broken or faulty.

Yes.

Right. That's sort of like the equation that a lot of us carry. If what I'm doing in the world isn't good or isn't proficient or is bad or wrong, then who I am as a man is faulty or broken. Right. There's something within me that is sort of obstructed.

Yeah.

Okay, so we're going to come back to all this, but I want to just maybe take a right turn and ask a sort of strange question, which is, what's a man to you? What is a man and what does it mean to be one?

That is a great question. The things that immediately come up are strength, stability, leadership, ability to remain calm in a crisis. These are all just kind of arising. Hard worker. That one comes from my dad. He's one of the hardest working people I've ever met. Kind of to his own detriment sometimes. He's one of those, you know, he's 84, so he's from that generation of like, he broke his leg one time and didn't miss a day at work. Like, what the hell? You know?

So he's like, I'm going in come hell or high water.

Right, right, right. So, yeah, those are all the kind of things that kind of came to mind, especially kind of the strong and stable.

Yeah, interesting. Okay, so I'm going to just reiterate some of this back and you just. All I want you to do is notice any observations, one, that you have about what I'm mirroring back to you, and two, what it feels like in the body to hear those things. All right, so what your experience is. So just take a breath there.

And out.

Good. So what it means to me to be a man is to be strong, to be stable, to be a leader, to have the capacity to remain calm in a crisis, and to be a hard worker. So just connect to those things, take another breath.

And then when you're ready, just Say what you experience when you hear those things.

So, yeah, so strong and stable. I definitely felt some pain near my heart and felt like those are kind of two of the things that I fail at that I view as masculine. Um, leader is something.

I definitely had some anxiety there because I do. I know, and I've been told that I have a lot of leadership skills, yet I'm. Really. Part of me is terrified to explore that. I think because of the possibility of mistakes. You know, being a leader, you have to make decisions and guide. And so there's a part of me that's very scared about that common. A crisis. I felt some, Some, I don't know, some pride there, because I do. That is a skill that I have when. When shit goes down, I just kind of switch into a different mode and then I kind of process the emotions later. But I'm. I'm kind of able to. Interesting. And I'm kind of able to tap into those leadership skills in a crisis in a way that I'm not in just like normal everyday life.

So where did you learn to do that? How come you are good in a crisis? You're able to remain calm, navigate. Because in a crisis, right, you need to be stable. Because what you're describing is I'm stable, I have a bit of strength and I'm able to lead during crisis.

So where'd that come from?

Those are skills I actually had to hone in and use a lot in. In the work that I've done over the years in. In supporting people with some pretty severe disabilities and mental health challenges. Yeah, those.

Those people being family members or.

No, no. So I don't. I don't know if I. I don't think I had those skills in early life. These are skills I've developed in. In personal life, I mean, a professional life, rather. And then I'm able to. I've been able to apply them too, to personal situations, but they were just. They were skills that were trained but also really kind of honed over the course of situations where, you know, people's safety depended on me being able to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So another, Another question that sort of pops up for me is, you know, when you talk about being. What it means to be a man for you, strength, stability, leadership, ability to remain calm, hard worker. Are these things that you're describing given to every man, or are there something that a man has to develop?

Hmm. Yeah. I mean, I think they're. They might come more naturally to some than others, but yeah, there are definitely things Things that need to be developed and you're not. Yeah. You're not just born with. And that's interesting because I kind of, when I focus on the things that I'm not, you know, it feels like it's like a piece that's missing that I wasn't given. So that's a good perspective flip, I think.

Yeah. Say, say more about that. I feel like I wasn't given the traits of strength or stability. By whom? Dad? Universe? God, Life?

Yeah. Wow. I would say like universe and dad stick out to me. Like if I was given it, a piece of it by the universe, it definitely wasn't nurtured by dad. Yeah. That's something that I often like, lament as I'm raising my own boys, is that like my dad was just getting by knowing to do things, how he could do them. So I really wasn't taught or guided anything. Like there were never any talks about, like, okay, son, like you're a man and here's life and here's the expectations, here's the skills you should have. There was none of that. It was all. And I've often thought that that kind of makes sense, that I really spent more time learning from my mom than I did from my dad. Why I kind of. Well, I don't know. So that's an interesting question. Do I feel that I have more of these feminine skills because of that or it's the nature versus nurture thing? Um, yeah. Yeah.

Say, say a little bit more about your dad. Just getting by and, and witnessing that as a boy.

So I, I didn't know very young, but come to find out later, my dad had a really, really hard life and a real rough upbringing. Faced a lot of poverty, food insecurity and, and you know, really kind of. You hear that metaphor of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. I mean, that was him. He's kind of a self made man and he never really was super available in a lot of respects. It was, work hard, come home. He was a functional alcoholic for a lot of years. Come home, have a couple quick stiff drinks, take a nap, have dinner, read the paper, watch tv, go to bed, rinse and repeat. And there were some things we bonded over. He's a big golfer. I continue to golf to this day, so I have a lot of fond memories of that. And then they also did local theater. We bonded over that as well. So it's, it's when I think about my dad, it's kind of one of those things of having to hold two truths at the same time. So there was some connection and support, but then there was a ton of areas where there was none. So it's kind of this love him and be incredibly angry at him at the same time.

Mm. Yeah. Love him. Love him for. For what? And angry at him for what?

Love him for. For providing and wicked sense of humor. Like, so the. The joy and the laughter, and hate him for the. For the anger and the, you know, chiding for mistakes and punishment. It was a lot of paddling, as we called it. And I hate him that. It was just. It was so confusing all the time.

Confusing, meaning. What was confusing?

Not knowing what to expect. You know, something could be funny one day, and the same antics the next day could produce a lot of anger. It all depended on what state he was in. And again, anger that I wasn't. There was no preparation. There was very, very little guidance about life, you know?

Yeah. So just again, take another breath in there and close the eyes for a sec. Stay with that. And just connect to the energy in your chest and specifically right at the very top of your chest, right below your voice box, your larynx. And when you're ready, just say what you're experiencing.

There's a bit of a tightness, a bit of a quivering, and just sadness.

Good. So I just want you to.

To the best of your capacity, envision and see your father just imagining that he's maybe sitting across from you. A lot of emotion around that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, like, I instantly saw him, like, how he would look if I was, like, 8 or 9 years old.

Yeah. Can you describe that?

He looked.

He looked vigorous, and he's got these, like, Popeye forearms. Yeah. Just strong and stoic.

Yeah. And so seeing him like that feels.

Seeing him like that feels.

I'm not quite sure. There's some Sadness. He's now 84 and certainly much more frail.

So just come back to what you had said before about, I loved him because. And I hated him because. And I just want you to take a breath and feel yourself ground and to communicate that directly to him. So I loved you, and I love you because. But I hate you also because. And just let yourself feel it's okay to have this be expressed in whatever way you need.

I love you because.

You.

Were funny and joyous and a great provider.

And I hate you because you never took the time to show me anything about manhood and what you did and why you did it. And I hate you because you were so separate a majority of the time.

And aside from joy and anger. I hate you, because I never really knew any other emotions from you.

Another breath. Yeah. And just tell him what you mean by him being separate.

There was always something disconnecting you, whether it was alcohol or work, your other social commitments. Being a member of the Masons, the Shriners, the local theater, golf leagues. You were absent. You were absent a lot.

And that was very, very painful.

So just say what it was like to not have him around in the way that you wanted and needed.

It was so hard to not have support and guidance and really to be neglected because.

Mom was always very busy with all of her household stuff as well as her social.

Obligations. So I spent a lot of time alone.

And even the time we were together.

And although this.

Could be joyous, but we bonded over television, and that didn't offer a lot of connection.

Yeah. So it sounds like you didn't get a lot of his energy. There wasn't a lot in the reserve for you.

No, it was just wherever I could fit in. And especially if it was something, you know, that. That he was doing. Yeah.

Yeah. So when you're ready, I just want you to tell him.

Really, honestly what he taught you about being a man. The good, the bad, the ugly. So you taught me that being a man is. Or means.

You've taught me that being a man means working extremely hard, no matter the detriment to.

Yourself or your family. You taught me that being a man is expecting near perfect behavior from those around you. You taught me that being a man is.

Always following through on obligations. And you taught me that being a man is not talking about pain or painful emotions. Sadness.

Regret. Yeah. You taught me that men express.

Themselves either through joy or anger. Good.

Another breath.

So my anger around you. My anger was.

My anger towards you was unacceptable and not safe to express.

Yeah. Because when I did, or even if I made a hint of expressing any.

Anger, it would be met with more anger and rejection of my feelings of anger were valid. Yeah.

Saying that feels. Acknowledging that is.

Acknowledging that is hard and it's heavy. And.

I hate it because I see.

Comes out in my interactions with my boys. And I fucking hate, but I hate it so much.

And I try so hard not to do it. And I'm successful a lot of the times, but when it comes out, I sound just like him.

Then it makes my boys cry and it breaks my heart.

Yeah. So take another breath and just tell him that my anger is sometimes just like yours.

My anger is sometimes just like yours.

Yeah. And I hate that because.

And I hate that because I don't want. I don't want to treat my boys the way that I was treated. I want better for them and I want better for myself.

Yeah, you're doing great, man. Just another breath.

A lot of weight, a lot of emotion behind that. It's okay. So just take another deep breath.

So dad didn't know what to do with his anger, how to be with it either. Sounds like it was sometimes aggressive, attacking emotionally, verbally, sometimes physically as well.

Yeah.

Another breath.

So just connect to your own anger for a moment. Just feel that, what it's normally like when you do. Allow yourself to connect to that part and just say what you experience when you connect to your own anger.

It's very.

Powerful.

Self righteous.

And just overtakes.

My nervous system.

And I say things that I deeply regret.

Yeah. So take another path. So there's a lot of energy wrapped up in that anger, right? A lot of energy, a lot of strength, a lot of power wrapped up in that anger.

Yeah. And it feels, you know that because I never was safe to express anger and really didn't know how to do it. Right. When it does come out, it's like DEFCON 5, you know?

Yeah. So just say that to dad. I needed you to teach me or show me what to do with my anger.

I needed you to teach me and show me what to do with my anger.

I needed you to do that.

Yeah. Not having that felt.

Not having that felt.

Extremely frustrating and lonely and confusing.

Yeah. And as a boy, watching you be out of control with your own anger was.

As a boy, watching you be out of control with your own anger was scary and anxiety provoking and.

Fascinating in a way, if it wasn't aimed at me. There was a lot of witnessing of angry outbursts between my parents and between my older siblings and my parents.

And I often. I kind of picture my boy like sitting with a bag of popcorn and just glad it wasn't aimed at him and kind of watching it all play out, you know?

Yeah. What did that boy see behind his father's anger underneath it?

I'm not sure. I'm not sure if you could see past it.

Just felt heavy to be around.

Yeah.

Yeah. And the weight that I've been carrying has been.

And the weight that I've been carrying has been exhausting.

And intimidative and limiting and just so heavy.

How familiar does that weight feel to when you're around your dad?

It feels. It feels pretty familiar. Just this like this weight of wanting to do something or perform some act for acceptance. But Always, like, terrified that it would backfire or that there would be anger, like just never knowing. Never knowing.

Yeah. So just take a breath again. I just want you to view across from you. Just imagine that. That weight that you've carried around for a long time, the weight that you felt when you were around your father, that heaviness that maybe he carried, and the heaviness that you've carried within yourself. I want you to just. Just view it. Just see it sitting across from you. So if that weight, if that depression or that heaviness had a form or a shape, it would look like what.

I had been feeling. It draped across my. My chest and shoulders. And so I immediately envisioned it as like. Like a thick. Like almost like a bare fur.

Like not really a coat, but more like a shawl or a cloak, you know?

Yeah. Really good vision, really good visual. So just imagine that draped across a chair in front of you. Just view it for a moment, and then when you're ready, make a statement towards that weight, towards that heaviness that you've been carrying that's likely been handed down to you by your father that he didn't know maybe how to carry with effectively or be with.

I see you.

And I have carried you for as long as I can remember.

And.

It'S strange, although it's been difficult, you're also, in a way, warm and comforting.

But I am so tired.

You feel comfortable and familiar to me because.

You feel comfortable and familiar to me because you've always been there. And you were one of the few things that my father did hand down. Yeah.

Another breath. Yeah. So if my anger had a voice, what it would say to you is.

If my anger had a voice, what it would say to you is.

Go away.

Just go away.

And let me be free.

Another breath. Yeah. What you did to my father was.

What you did to my father was so unfair.

And so debilitating.

Yeah. Watching him have to carry you day in and day out was.

Watching him have to carry you day in and day out was depressing and sad.

And just so.

So sad.

Because I could see the man my father could have been without you. And I guess as a boy, I did see it. I could see what it would be like without this burden.

Another breath. So just again, stay connected to some of that power, some of that heat, some of that fire that comes up. Right. Because that boy didn't know how to carry that. That was too heavy for him. Right. That was too heavy for him. So he took on the role of trying to protect dad by taking it on. So just for a moment, imagine viewing and seeing that eight, nine year old boy that you were talking about before with that same cloak draped over top of him, draped over top of dad, draped over top of that boy. And just let yourself feel some of that force, some of that potency that comes out. Maybe sometimes unwelcomed, but see if you can allow yourself to direct it intentionally. So if my anger, that sacred force within me, not aggression, not violence, not attack, if that anger of protection could speak to that cloak, to that weight, to that depression, it would say what?

It would say.

Yeah. What do it sound like? They second to hear that rumbling, right? Yeah. What would it sound like? Just let that out in a little bit of a sound, Right.

Just.

Just be gone.

Yeah. Nice deep breath. A nice deep breath and just say, enough.

Enough.

Another.

Again.

Enough.

Mm. You will no longer.

You will no longer hold us down, hold us back and oppress us.

I am done letting you.

I am done letting you.

Keep me from my higher purpose and my best self.

Yeah. I'm no longer going to allow you to.

I am no longer going to allow you to.

Influence my thoughts and my expressions.

Yeah. And when you get near my boys, I'm going to.

And when you get near my boys, I am going to stand in the way and protect them.

I'm going to fight like hell, too.

I am going to fight like hell to keep them safe.

Just let that out in the sound.

Really good. Nice deep breath. Good. Yeah. So no one taught me how to carry you, but I'm learning.

No one taught me how to carry you, but I'm learning.

Yeah.

And that's okay.

Yeah. Just say what it's like to just say that out loud.

It felt.

Liberating. It felt powerful and at the same time a little difficult.

There was a part of me that still said, it's not okay to say that because. And it's because.

It'S not safe.

To say that.

How come it's not safe? Because.

Because expression of power or anger is not acceptable.

Yeah. Because you saw the expression of power or anger as being dangerous, Right. As being hostile and violent. It doesn't have to be that way. Anger can be the deepest form of care.

Not aggression, not violence, but the anger. The sacred anger of. Enough. No more. I got you. I love you. Enough. Enough acting out.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I never. I never knew any of that.

Yeah. And that's okay. That's okay, right? That's not your fault. I think you've been beating yourself up like you like it Was your fault. Like, you should have known.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I definitely have experienced that. That, you know, especially at that age. My parents were godlike, so it's impossible for a God to be at fault. So the fault must have been with me.

Yeah. Something must be wrong with me, which is what every child does. Something must be wrong with me. I must be wrong. I must be faulty. I must be broken in some way. So just take a breath and when you're ready, I just want you to say what you're taking from this. So what I know now that I didn't know before is what I know.

Now that I didn't know before is the depth of my father's burden and the extent which it was placed upon me.

And that.

Yeah, the extent that you picked it up to try and save him.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think he put it there intentionally. You picked it up to try and save him, to try and save you.

Right.

There's a noble part of you, right? This loving, compassionate, caring child who saw he was hurting and wanted to help.

Yeah.

Good. So when you're ready, at your own pace, just take another breath and then just come back in for a moment. Yeah. So you might feel a lot over the next day or two. Yeah. The look on your face. I wish people could see the look on your face. Like, holy shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Good.

So just a couple things, my friend that I just want to bring forward, okay. You're learning how to carry that weight. And it's not too much for you. It was just too much for that boy. It was just too much for that boy. And so you're learning to take some of that weight off him. And that takes skill, Right. That takes competence. And it's something that we develop, okay? It's something that we develop. That strength and that stability that you were talking about, it's not a given. Right. Just as you said, it's something that we have to develop within us. And what a beautiful gift to start to give to your sons to show them that that's possible. To show them that that's possible, that you can do that. So that's the first thing. I think what's really important about this dynamic with dad is recognizing that there was a part of you that could see that he was hurting and was trying to help him. Super important, Right. That wasn't the boy's job, but the boy took it up anyway.

Yeah.

Yeah. And so the man in you gets to relieve him of that duty. Right. That eight year old, that nine year old, he no longer needs to carry that. Right. No longer needs to carry that. And you rescued him from that a little bit by letting some of that anger out.

Right.

No more. The boy in me is not going to carry that weight anymore. The man in me is going to figure out what to do with it. I'll shoulder it. It's much lighter for me than it is for him. Right. No wonder you struggle to step into your own strength and your own stability and your own power. One, sounds like they seem heavy. Two, what was the price that you saw your dad pay for being strong and stable and powerful? What was the price you saw him pay?

Yeah, I mean, it.

He had nothing left for anything else.

That's it.

So he was just trying to contain this energy, this weight, depression, sadness, whatever we want to call it. He was just trying to contain this part. So for you, what does that mean? What does that look like for you to step into your own strength and your own power and your own stability?

Yeah. And this really. It makes a lot of sense because I. While at times I can produce those type of things, especially in that, like, work sense that my dad did professionally, I reach a point then where I just kind of, like, shy away from it. I get incredibly anxious. I get, you know, haven't quite figured out if it's, you know, fear of failure or fear of success or a combination of both. But it kind of makes sense looking at it from the lens of the way my dad embraced that, what it led him to, why I would be scared to step into it in my own. And really, I tend never to fully try my best. Like, I'll give, like, 80% and the things I'm good at. The 80% looks awesome. But I tend to be scared to give 100% to something.

Yeah. Yeah. So that's a good place to start. So I'm going to. Even with the small things. So just as you. In the next few days, in the next week or two, I want you to commit to. To the best of your capacity. I want you to commit to do some small things 100%. And I get this because I'm a culprit of this as well. I'll make the bed. 80%. It's okay. It's enough. I'll clean the kitchen 90%. I'm going to leave those dishes in this. I'm going to leave a dish or a fork in the sink, and it's the most ridiculous thing. I'm like, why the hell am I leaving that fork in the sink? So I really want you to prove to yourself that you can execute something at 100%. So small things start small, right? Maybe it's just making your bed, maybe it's just doing the dishes, maybe it's just taking out the garbage. Maybe it's just, you know, having a conversation with the kids. But small things during the next few days, tackle them with a hundred percent and see what that looks like. Sounds like, feels like just try that on a little bit. Okay. That's a very strategic and tactical thing that you can do. Are you up for that?

Yeah, sure.

Awesome. The second thing that I want you to do is I want you to. And this might sound a little strange, but I want you to write a letter specifically to that bearskin coat that has been handed down through your family. And we don't need to necessarily know its origins, but I want you to have a conversation with it, to tell it what it's been like, what it was like for you as a boy to observe how you took it on and how you are committed to carrying it now in your life.

So you need to rescue some of the lessons of that depression, of that weight, of that heaviness. Right. It's not a burden anymore. It's a gift that has shown up.

Okay? So it's not a burden anymore. It's a gift and we have to rescue some of those lessons to be able to carry it more effectively. It's a very different experience to. Yeah, I'm going to give you one analogy and then we'll wrap up. Imagine that I showed up at your house and I plopped a 50 pound kettlebell down on the floor and I said, I'm going to have you carry this around for the next week. As you walk around your house, anytime that you walk from the bedroom to the bathroom to the living room, you're just going to pick this up and you're just going to walk with it. Now, how could you face that one? You can say, oh, you know, I've been given this and I have to do this and this sucks and this heavy, you know, and you can fixate on it. And the more that you fixate on it and see it as a burden, the heavier it becomes. The more you don't want to do it, the more you're dragging it. Versus interesting. This could be an interesting challenge. Right? What might the lesson be here? Why might this be a good opportunity? Well, this is going to get me in shape and I have great quads, great glutes by the end of it.

Right.

I'm going to get to work out a little bit, get some sweat on and this will be a new and unique experience because how many people get to really learn how to effectively use form and blah, blah, blah, Right. You can keep going down with the analogy. So I want you to, if you're open to it, I want you to write out the lessons of carrying this, wearing this bare skin, wearing this weight around in your life. What have the lessons been and what have you been grateful for? So just starting to shift it from this has been a burden that is ruining my life to this has been. I'm grateful for this happening because now I've learned X, Y and Z or I'm learning X, Y and Z.

That's really interesting.

Yeah. So last thing I'm going to say as many ways, my friend, to learn strength, to learn stability. For many of us men, we learn strength and stability by shutting down, by stuffing down, by repressing versus learning how to carry the stress, the anxieties, the sadness, the grief of our life in an effective way.

And learning how to do that in an effective way is strength building in and of itself. So I would say that these two things are deeply connected for you. The more that you learn how to be grateful and learn how to carry this weight in your life versus fighting it and disliking it, the stronger and the more stable you will naturally and inherently become. Do you agree with that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially, you know, it really rang true when I just think of the, the stresses and the griefs of everyday life that I really try to either avoid or just stuff down and, and right how perhaps carrying this bare skin has taught me some ways to, to grow with that, to grow with those skills.

Yeah. And you might actually be stronger than you expect. You know, I just. The last thing I'm going to say, I promise. I just bought, I just bought a weighted vest to work out with. A 25 pound weighted vest to work out with. It was such an interesting experience because it, and it's such an interesting analogy because I thought I was in decent shape and fairly strong before and then I, you know, put on this weighted vest and I'm trying to do dips and push ups and pull ups and I mean I sucked, it was terrible.

But as soon as I took that off, I felt so much lighter. And so I think there's an interesting analogy that maybe this has strengthened you more than you know. And that's what I want you to start to look at, how this may have strengthened you beyond what you've allowed yourself to See?

Yeah.

Any final thoughts, questions, comments about our session? What are you taking with you?

Oh, no. I mean that was, it was super powerful and. Yeah, no, and I'm really taking with me that change in perspective of anger as an ancient power and not, you know, terrifying outburst and it felt powerful to tap into it.

Yeah. Good. Well, I'm training your body to know that you're safe with your anger is the pathway.

Right, Right.

The more that you can feel safe with your own anger, to know that it's not going to go out of control, you're not going to go out of control, but you can be with it, you can express it in a healthy way.

Right.

The more competent you'll be with it and the more safe people will feel with you and the more safe you'll feel with you.

Right, Right.

So some, some beautiful healing paths. We'll have a follow up conversation. Feel free to send the letter to me, the, the assignment. You can head back and listen to this. I'll send you the audio file. And then for everyone that's out there, feel free to share this episode with somebody that you think could use it. A partner, a friend, a family member that maybe is dealing with the same thing, carrying a weight that they don't know how to carry or are struggling to carry. I think that's a very, it's a very familiar theme, I think for a lot of us trying to deal with the stresses, anxieties and worries of life. So I appreciate you coming on. And as always, until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.

Sa.