Men's Work Session - The Weight Of A Parent's Depression

Foreign.

Welcome back to the Man Talk Show. I'm Connor Beaton and today is another anonymous guest episode. We're going to talk about a few things today, but before I dive into what we're going to talk about real quick, I wanted to tell you a little bit about why I do these in and why I think that they're important. So for the most part, a man's inner work is largely hidden. You know, his stories, his pain, his hurt, his sabotage, the stuff that he's gone through in his life. These things are often hidden behind closed doors. And I have always wanted to find a way for people to tune into what the work sounds like and looks like while being very respectful to the anonymity of the men who are going through this process. And so in these anonymous guest episodes, you'll hear the stories of men who are maybe struggling in some ways, but very much looking to reconcile with something in their lives. They're looking to step into being a better father or a better husband or a better business leader to find a deeper sense of purpose. And in order to do that, there's almost always something that needs to be healed, something that needs to be reconciled and confronted. So that's why these episodes exist. It's a sort of behind the scenes look. So today my anonymous guest and I are going to be diving into dealing with depression. And not just an individual's depression, but what it was like to be around a parent's depression, a parent's weight and their anger. And so this one talks a little bit about generational, not trauma necessarily, but generational patterns that can show up where we can go down the path of embodying and repeating the patterns of our parents. So this is jam packed with some good stuff I hope that you enjoy, as always, please share these episodes with somebody that you know will benefit from them and enjoy them. Whether it's my conversations with guests. Recently I had Wim Hof on the show the Iceman.

So.

So that might be a good one to go back and tune into or to share with somebody who you want to get into the show. That's an easy access one. Or there's maybe somebody in your life that could benefit from listening to this episode. So please man it forward as always and without any further delay, please welcome my anonymous guest. All right, my anonymous friend for today. How are you doing today?

Doing well, thank you.

How are you feeling about entering into this conversation?

Definitely got some nerves and excited. Yeah, I feel like I, I always want to prepare more and then it's just like at some point I just have to let go and just jump into it.

Yeah. Prepare for the unpreparable.

Yeah, I get tired of preparing.

Yeah. How much does that show up in your life? I. I feel like I should prepare more for the things in my life that I ultimately can't actually prepare for.

Yeah. In a lot of ways I'm pretty good with that. But this stuff, I. I feel like I'm ill. Prepared.

Huh.

Always prepared.

What about the nerves? What are they, what are they saying? The nerves of having this conversation.

They're just sort of like right at my rib cage. Just sort of buzzing. Yeah.

Yep. Buzzing. And, and saying what. What are they trying to communicate to you or me or.

And I feel like it's that just sort of anticipation of something that. Yeah. Change. Maybe just more of a sort of a body feeling. Just nerves.

Yeah. Good. Okay. All right, well, we'll let the nerves be there. Stay. Stay with them. You know, so we have this conversation. We don't need to move away from them or ignore them. Just be with them. If they get louder, let me know. And if they start to move away, let me know as well. But why don't you just give me a little bit of a context for what you're hoping to work on in this, in this conversation. In the session.

The biggest thing would be to. To get through some blocks that I. That I've had pretty much all my life that have caused a lot of grief with my wife. There are problems in our relationship and. Yeah. Just seem to be stuck. You know, I cognitively know I need to do something different, but I just seem to be stuck with where I'm at.

Yeah. So feeling stuck. It sounds like from what you described to me, you feel like things are pretty good in life overall. Right. Things are going well overall in your life. But would you say that it feels like something's missing or how would you describe it?

I wouldn't say it's something missing, it's just something. It could be so much better and so much easier if I.

Would grow and change some of my patterns. And I think it would just make for like. Yeah, just taking it next level and, and just getting rid of a lot of the day to day stress that I feel and she. I know my wife feels in our relationship. I think it would be great to just have like an easier. We've moved a lot, we've bounced around, we've looked, you know, trying to find a home and I feel like we've set this really great thing up and, and it's like this, this last little piece that would just sort of make it and just blow the roof off of this great. This situation.

But right now it's just causing a lot of issue.

So you're wanting to alter some patterns, some behaviors. Can you be more specific on what those are?

Yeah, just. I mean a huge thing or a huge conflict that we've had is just. We basically have like a sexless marriage mostly due to me. I. There's some block there. I don't necessarily feel worthy or I prioritize everything else first and, and forget her needs and my needs and it's just like I, I get caught into the busyness of world and we've moved and had houses and fixed this and, and we're very busy and active, but it's, it's just like I'll prioritize everything else except for that. And she's told me about it, she's railed against me about it because she's very fiery about all that. And, and yeah, I don't want it and she doesn't want it and I'm bringing it and I'm not getting over it. Uh huh.

Yeah. So there's a block around sexual intimacy and around being able to be intimate. It sounds like being able to step into what you want. Do you have a vision or an idea of the type of sex or sex life that you want with your wife?

Yeah, just an easier going. Sort of like it was when we met. I'm not, not. Yeah, just easy. Like I'm having confidence. Like when we met it was crazy like you know, all the time and, and then it's. I had confidence for the first time probably in my life around sex and then something happened and just sort of lost that and I struggle to find that again.

Was there something specific that happened? Like when you say that something happened, do you have a sense of what that was or is that sort of.

I don't have a specific thing. Yeah, I feel like something came up between us about sex and I don't even really remember. I didn't think it was that big of a thing and it just sort of stuck there and I think it just caused this little rift and it just grew from there and. But yeah, I don't have like a specific thing, you know, something happened.

But tell me a little bit about what happens because this is, you know, look, I think it's important to just sort of. I think you know this already, but you know, this is a very common thing that it's emerging within. I Think it's always been there in terms of sexist relationships, but there are more and more relationships that are entering into this territory for one reason or another. Right, right. Shifting social dynamics and expectations of relationships and what they should be and offer the individuals. And I mean, we could just, you know, the list could go on and on. So it's. I know that, you know that you're not alone in that. In that category and that there's a lot of people out there, but the frustration remains. Right. So when you think about. I want to explore, because I think this is important. I'd like to explore what happens when the awareness of sexual disconnection presents itself in your marriage. Right. So when you or your wife get present to. I feel sexually disconnected. What happens? How do you react to that? How do you respond? And how does she react or respond?

Yeah, I guess I have a lot of guilt and shame around it, so I don't. I just avoid it. And she comes at it like, you know, she's got a lot of anger around it, rightfully so. And. And it doesn't come out, in my opinion, very soft or it's, it's. It's confrontational. It's, you know, she's coming at it with her fists and I'm just like, you know, which just pushes me further into the shame mode. And so sort of, you know, a perfect mix of opposites in that regard. I want to hide and she wants to come after it.

So she's trying to, like, fight you to fuck her, and you're. You are moving into a more defensive position because it's like, well, shit, that's a lot of energy.

Well, yeah, and it's. It's more about the whole. Just like not having sex. That's what she gets so mad about. So it's not like she's trying to fuck me or something. It's just. It's that anger that we don't. And then that. That energy, I take the other.

But that's what I'm saying, right, is she's using her anger to say, I want you. Right. So her anger is saying, I want you. I want you to want me. I want you to fuck me. I want you to be with me. I want you to be intimate with me and closer to me.

Yeah, exactly.

And that type of volume, right, that spicy, that fire comes out. And then what happens internally for you, mentally, physically, emotionally, what happens?

Oh, yeah, just shut down. Like, just sort of withdrawal. And. Yeah, again, the whole shame thing, it just sort of disappear. Want to disappear and feel bad and. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Let's just do something really quick. I'm not going to take you through something too. Too deep. I can't promise anything, but I just want to explore something there. So just close the eyes for a sec and take a nice inhale and exhale and just allow yourself to. Good. Extend the exhale out and do another couple. Couple of those. So deepen the inhale, letting the breath drop deeper into the body. And extend the exhale, letting it be longer than the inhale. And just another two of those.

Good.

And then just connect with.

The experience of having her come. Come at you. That anger, that fire, that ferocity.

Right.

She's upset. I want you. How come you don't want me? I want to have more sex. I want to be with you and just breathe into that. And maybe even bringing back a recent conversation or argument that the two of you had where this same pattern showed up. And when you're ready, just say what you're experiencing. Connecting with her anger and this pattern.

Yeah. Just feeling regretful and ashamed that this is how I'm treating her. This is how I'm treating myself. It's not, you know, I want to have sex and I have this. Yeah. I want to share that with her and. But it's. I'm just, like, smothered by the shame about it. Like. Like now I'm not even worth. Because I'm. You know, this is what I bring to the relationship, you know, this dysfunction. And so, yeah, it's just. I just want to disappear and slip away, and.

I'm tired of fighting about it. I don't.

Yeah. So connect to that sensation in the body. Right. I'm not even worth. Where do you feel that in the body? Just say what it feels like in the chest and the face and the belly.

It's sort of.

In my gut. Like, rib cage down, just belly area.

Good. So connect to that part in the gut and the belly near the rib cage.

Ton of sadness in there. Yeah.

So just be with that for a moment. There's a lot of weight there, like some sorrow or grief. So if this sadness had a shape or a form, it would look like what?

Just feels like a ball.

Yeah, a ball. Does it have other features?

Is it a certain color coming to me as green? Yeah, just sort of.

Green balls, some fuzzy edges.

Good. So stay in contact with that. Breathe into it and just say when you give yourself permission to feel the sadness.

I'm feeling it right now.

When in your life do you let yourself feel it?

When I'm alone or. Yeah, basically when I'm alone. Yeah.

So just let this part speak for a moment. So if this part of me had a voice right now, I would say.

It feels like it's not mine.

Or it's like this thing I'm carrying.

Yeah. What would it say? What does it want to say? I feel like I shouldn't be.

Yeah, I feel like I shouldn't be sexual. I can't share my sexuality with another. It's not safe to do that or it's not acceptable to do that. Sort of. Rings of my mother. Not that she said that stuff. It was just silence. But, like, I never felt comfortable sharing much of anything with her because. Yeah, just. I just never did. Yeah.

Take another breath and just stay in contact with that grief and that green fuzzy ball and just say, whose it is? If it's not yours, whose is it?

I guess. Yeah, my mom's. Yeah.

Just say what her sadness was like.

Her grief. Yeah. I know she's had. I don't know, but I feel like she's carried a lot of that from her parents. And I. I don't know. I must think maybe she was abused as a child.

Like somehow sexually. Just shut that part off. She sort of seems like somewhat stunted into a younger girl or a child and just was never comfortable around sex with my dad. Like, if he ever did anything, it just was uncomfortable. I mean, just what I saw growing up, it just. She didn't seem very open to that.

Yeah. So take another breath. Just keep breathing. Just say how old you were when you became aware that she made. Maybe had. Had something happen to her sexually.

Probably in my late 20s or something around there. I just sort of thought it was normal.

What did it look like as a boy growing up?

Yeah, she just. If my dad ever tried to do anything or be close to her or whatever, she'd sort of push him off or scream or like, you know, just sort of act like a little kid would instead of being open to it. I think I. Yeah. Picked up that balls.

Keep breathing. You're doing great. Yeah. So what I always wanted to say to her when I saw that as a boy, what I wanted to do or what I wanted to say to.

Her was, yeah, that's okay, or it's healthy. And I guess as a boy, I sort of took her side and felt like. I don't know, like maybe that's not how women wanted men to act or something.

Maybe. Take another deep breath. I just want you to visualize for a moment adult you back in your childhood home. So just maybe in the living room or the kitchen. Whatever room comes to mind. In whatever house comes to mind. And I just want you to see your mom sitting in a chair across from you.

Yeah. All right.

And I just want you to see her in her arms, carrying that green ball, that weight of sadness.

Okay. And then in between the two of you, I just want you to see younger you, the boy of you, the boy version of you, maybe eight or nine. And then just say what you're experiencing right now.

Yeah. Just a lot of compassion for that little kid and for her.

Yeah, I know. She didn't do anything, like rational. She didn't try to do anything. She just inherited this or picked this up from somewhere else and didn't know how to deal with it. And that's how she dealt with it.

Yeah. So just take a breath and then when you're ready, just say. Say what you've wanted to say to her. What does your grief, what does your sorrow, what does your sadness want to say to her?

I just want her to take it. Take this thing back that I carried from her.

It's not mine. I didn't want it. I know she didn't want it.

Take another breath and just visualize that young boy right in between you and her. That 8 year old. He's the one carrying it now. It's big. It's maybe bigger than he can manage. Does it seem like he's struggling to hold it?

Yeah.

So good. So say that all to her again directly. Just say it to her directly. Mom, I.

Mom, I don't want this. This isn't mine. I've been carrying it and it's impacted every relationship I've had, every serious relationship. And I don't want it. And I want to give it back to you and hopefully you can move it on to somewhere else. But I can't carry it anymore.

I picked this up, I tried to carry it for you because.

I tried to carry it because I. I care for you. I tried to. I don't know, I wanted you to feel better, be happy or something. I don't know. Just picked up all your crap.

So because of this sadness, because of this grief that you were carrying around.

I. I hurt those that I love.

And what I didn't get from you.

As a boy was just acceptance and like a normal sexual, like expression between two in a couple, you know, in a marriage. I never learned that. I never saw that the way that.

You responded to dad's advances or intimacy was.

Yeah, you Just shut off or you'd scream and sort of push him away. And it was confusing because I. I think I. I know that I just. Deep down, I was like, oh, that's not what women want. They want the nice guy or let them come to me.

So another breath.

And how I saw my dad react was.

Yeah, he was hurt, he was rejected.

And.

What I wanted him to do was.

And that's where it gets confusing because like I said, I sort of took my mom's side, I think, and thought he was doing something wrong or inappropriate. He was just reaching out to his wife.

Yeah, it's another breath. So just tell. Just tell her. Tell your mom directly what you tried to protect her from when you were a boy.

Her discomfort, I guess.

Yeah. Can you tell her that directly? As a boy, I.

As a boy, I tried to. I saw you were sad or disconnected and I tried to help fix that or carry that or take that away.

Yeah. And I tried to protect you from.

Yeah, I guess I tried to protect you from my dad and the world and tried to make her happy.

They're less sort of depressed and moody.

Yeah. So keep speaking directly to her. So I tried to make you.

Yeah, I just tried to make her. Make you sort of a more carefree person.

Be yourself. I felt like you always shape shifted into whoever you thought they needed you to be or wanted you to be. And. And then you'd hear about, like, they were. Either everybody was more or less than us, you know, like if they had more money, they were bad. If they had less money, they were bad. It was like this tiny little slice that was just perfect and that was us. And it just fucked up my way of looking at and presenting myself in the world because it was less about being me and it was more about being who I thought the people around me wanted me to be.

Say that again when you're ready. Just say it again.

Yeah, I just. I learned that I couldn't be myself. I had to be whoever I thought everybody wanted me to be. So I became this shape shifter and threw myself away. I threw myself to the side, you know, I couldn't just be myself. I had to be somebody different.

Yeah. So when you're ready, just say who you needed to be for mom growing up. Who did you need to be for her so that she was okay?

Yeah. I don't know if I ever figured that out. I tried to be this moving target of what would make her feel better.

It wasn't necessarily me. Sometimes it was, but a lot of times it just Taught me a bunch of messed up ways of being in the world instead of just focusing on who I am. It was like trying to read people and see what they wanted and.

Yeah, so that sounds tiring. It sounds exhausting, right?

Yeah.

Constantly having to watch other people, see how they're reacting, try and figure out who you need to be so that they're okay. And then find. Be liked. Yeah. To be liked. Right. And then finding yourself in a marriage, in a relationship where the other person wants. What? Because what does your wife really want from you? What does she really say?

She just wants me.

That's right. What's that like?

Knowing that on one hand it's great, on the other hand it's depressing as fuck. Because I. I should know how to do that better, you know? It's like sometimes I don't. She'll ask me about, like, what do I want? And it's like, I don't even know. It gets run through all these other filters first. It's like sometimes like three or four down the list, it seems like, good.

So take another breath in. So I'm just gonna make a statement and you tell me if it feels true or not. Right. If it needs to be altered in some way. So I never got a chance to figure out who I was and what I really wanted as a child.

Yeah. Say that again, please.

I never got a chance to figure out who I was and what I really wanted as a boy.

Yeah, that sounds. Sounds good.

Yeah. So when the boy in you hears that, how does he feel?

Feels lighter. It feels like a long overdue thing.

Yeah. He's like, finally, finally it's being acknowledged. Right. What does he. What does he say? Why does it feel lighter? What would he actually say?

It's more of a. Just a feeling inside me of just. That's the feeling I had when I was by myself.

I could do whatever I wanted and just. I didn't have to pretend or figure out something. It was just.

Yeah. What does the man in you want to say when he hears that?

It feels refreshing and just like taking a burden off of. But then it also thrusts me into a role that I've become uncomfortable with, which is, you know, I don't want to be the. In the spotlight, so to speak.

Or it's uncomfortable because I rarely put myself there.

So another way of saying what I said before is I learned to survive by being needless.

I learned to survive by being needless. I learned to take care of other people by being needless.

Yeah.

Yeah. And now I'M having. Now I'm being, you know, luckily for you, and I say that very specifically, luckily for you. You married a woman who says.

Have.

Some needs, take up some space. Right. Take up some space. It's okay for you to figure this out. It's also okay for you to not know what that looks like, but take up some space. I want that. That's attractive to me. Right. What do you experience when I say that?

Sounds like you talk to her.

Well, I can assure you I have.

But that's exactly what she says. It's like she just wants me and. Yeah. And I don't need to know everything or.

Yeah, but what do you experience when you hear that?

Yeah. Again, it feel in one hand, I trust and I can lean into that. And another hand, it's like. It's just those patterns are. Those grooves are worn pretty deep, so I fall back into that. Like, what do you want? What does she want?

Well, you know, the burden of carrying as a boy. I'm just going to say this and we're going to do a little bit more of an exercise. I'm going to say a couple of things. The burden of carrying a parent's grief, sadness, depression, whatever we want to label it, is that not only. Not only do we do what you've done, right. Which is, I'll become needless so that I don't bother you. Right. I'm not going to take up any space, so I don't bother you. But we disconnect from our willingness to fight. And when I say that word, fight, I don't mean, you know, fist fights and punching holes through walls. I mean, we give up the determination that's required to develop ourselves into someone that we respect because that determination has to be sacrificed in order to prioritize the other person. So I have to sacrifice my own determination, my own anger, my own frustration, my own. I shouldn't be carrying this. This isn't mine. This sadness, this depression, this angst. Right. This heaviness, it's not mine to carry. So we give that up and we trade it in for, I'm good, I'm taking care of you. And we think that we're doing something virtuous and altruistic. Let me ask you something. Acting this way, is your mom still alive? Is she still in your life?

Yeah. Not real close, but she's alive.

So acting in this way as a boy, as a young man, as a man, what's that done for her? Just in a real rational, pragmatic sense. What's that Done for her?

Probably nothing, I'm guessing. I don't know.

Okay. Has it supported her in any way? Have you seen it make any change? Did she feel better in the long run? Did it save her in some way?

No, it pushed me away.

Yeah. So you have to stop being the hero in her story, and you have to start being the hero on your own. You tried for a very long time to be her hero, to be her savior. I'm going to save her from this weight, from this grief. Yeah. What do you hear in that?

Yeah, I guess I never really thought of it that way. I just. I feel like probably after the age of my early teens or whatever, I was Definitely feel like I was separating from my parents. I feel like I really wasn't. My needs weren't really being met. I didn't really feel like I had parents, so to speak. You know, they provided everything, but, you know, like, emotionally and that type of thing, I didn't really get that from either of my parents. And so I feel like I just sort of withdrew to the point where I'm like, you know, I barely talk to him. You know, I'll talk to him. I mean, it's a couple times. It's probably been a year or two where I didn't. Or a year where I wouldn't talk to him, or just barely every couple months. And it's not much better to be honest right now.

So. Yeah, so let's. Let's just do one last piece and we'll. And then we'll close this out. Okay. So close the eyes again. Take a breath and just come back into that space.

Mom sitting across from you, younger you, is sitting in between the two of you. He's carrying that big green weight of sadness.

And when you're ready, just make a statement towards mom telling her what is no longer acceptable.

Yeah, it's no longer acceptable for my younger self or even myself now to carry your weight, to carry your grief or your sadness or whatever happened. Look, he can barely hold the thing, and it's not his. And it's. Yeah, it's just teaching him a lot of bad things. So take it back.

Good. Take another breath and just let yourself connect to your own anger and let yourself feel that in the chest, in the body, maybe feeling anger in the hands, in the shoulders. And when you're ready, let your anger have a voice. So what my anger wants to say.

To you is.

Why the fuck did you give this to me? How the fuck can you give this to your kid? You know, like, I Know it was a handful, but you're ill equipped to, like, have a kid.

Good. So take another breath. Good. And then just take the green ball. Take that sadness and that weight and that depression out of the hands of that boy and just set it on the floor across from you and sit down facing that weight, the weight that was passed down to your mom through God only knows what. Right. Sounds like you have some intuition that she must have experienced something, you know, that would cause her to have that response and reaction. And we don't need to necessarily know what it is. We just know that it was present. Right. We know that it was present. And then this weight you tried to carry, you tried to save her from. So take another breath. And when you're ready, just make a statement to that weight, that grief, that sadness, that depression that has been passed down to her that you tried to carry. What do you want to say to it?

I let you go. I'm giving you back wherever you came from. Doesn't matter, but I'm done carrying it.

Yeah.

So if I wasn't being so nice, that might sound like.

Get the fuck out.

Good. Breathe deeper in the body and just say that again and feel it.

Get the fuck out.

You're no longer welcome in my.

You're no longer welcome in my life, in my body, in my marriage.

Say that again and just let yourself make fists. Just make fists and let yourself be very direct, confronted. You are no longer.

You are no longer welcome in my life or in my marriage. Get out.

Another breath.

Again. I just say that last part again. Get out.

Get out.

So saying this feels.

Again, it lightens the load and just feels like there's separation between me and that thing. It's not in my gut anymore.

Do you have space to be a little louder? Are there people in the house with you?

No, I'm ed work, so.

Okay.

Scare off the team, right?

Get out.

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Trust me, I've done that a couple times, but, yeah, I'm not going to lay that out at work. I might keep that for the weekend, but.

All right, so just keep breathing and feel and just connect with that part. And I just want you to take. I'm going to time you for 60 seconds and I want you to rant. You don't have to be loud, but I want you to give yourself full permission to say whatever it is that you want to this part, to this green ball that your mom carried that was in her, that blocked her from being able to care for you and nurture you and love you. And give you the type of affection and attention that you wanted, that you then carried. So I'm going to give you 60 seconds to just say what you need to say to it and just let it come naturally. So connect to that anger and just. First say where you feel that anger in the body.

It's my arms and fists.

Good. Yeah. So feel that. So keep your fists clenched. Feel the arms. Feel that tension. Anger is a very deep form of protection. It's time to protect yourself and it's time to protect your marriage, and it's time to protect the sanctity and the sexual connection between you and your wife. So when you're ready, go for it.

Get out of my life. It's not what. I don't want you in my life. I never wanted you in my life. You really fucked a lot of shit up.

Yeah.

I'm fucking mad at you because.

Yeah, you ruined my relationships. You've caused incredible grief to my wife, who's I've nearly broken.

So fucking mad at you.

So tired of carrying you around and squashing my needs and my desires and trying to be somebody else and trying to make everybody else happy or trying to hide from everybody because I can't be myself in front of other people.

People.

No one's ever happy with me. It's not true. It's. It's carrying you around made me think this. And it's not right. And if I'm giving it back, get the out away. Keep away from me.

Yeah, you for you for it. What you did to my mom was.

Yeah, what you did to my mom was wrong. What you did to find my grandmother was wrong. I don't know how far back it goes. I don't care, but go away.

I'm no longer going to tolerate.

Yeah. I'm not tolerating carrying you around or even being in your presence or anything of. Has to do with you.

So just let that energy, that anger out. And a little bit of a sound. It doesn't have to be loud, but just what would it sound like if you were staring it down One more. Yeah. When you show up, I. I'm pissed.

I'm gonna fight you.

Yeah.

Get you out of my life, huh?

Yeah. I'm gonna do that. By. If my wife. If my wife felt and saw this kind of energy coming from me, she would.

She would love me more. She would see me. She would not see the green ball.

Huh? What would she see?

That I'm fighting for her instead of for some other. That I've been fighting for. For so long. And putting her second.

Yeah. What would she say to your anger right now?

About fucking time.

Uh huh. What else? We should be turned on.

Yeah.

Uh huh. Yeah. Good. So keep breathing. Another breath. Yeah. And just come, come back in when you're ready. We're gonna have to close this out here. I don't wanna make you too late. I don't know if you have a commitment right after this, but I just. I would love for you to say what I know now that I didn't know before is what did you come into contact with?

Just that release of it at a different level. Yeah. From other work I've done. I knew that was in there, but it's just sort of cracking it open and peeling off layers. But I feel like it pushed it out.

Yeah. So you're gonna have to work. Right. The anger has to come out, Right. Not at your wife and not even necessarily at your mom, but to this part. Right. This, this thing, this trauma that entered into your family. And again, we don't always have to know where it came from. It can just be a felt sense, you know, the way the parent reacts to intimacy. I mean, that's, you know, for your mom to, to scream and push your father away like that, that's. That's no joke. Right. That's very serious. And as a child, that imprinted itself on your nervous system. Right. If I approach women, if I advance on them, if I want to be sexual with somebody that loves me and I love them, then I might be causing them harm. So part of your nervous system and mind and brain imprinted and encoded this notion of like it's unsafe for me to want to be sexual with. With somebody that I love. I want you to do some, do some journaling, a bit of like a conscious rant over the course of the next few weeks. And let some of that anger out towards that grief, that sorrow. Because it sounds like sorrow, you know, it sounds like there's a huge weight that entered into your family at some point. So write and direct some of that anger towards it. Read some of that out loud. You know, if you find yourself driving by yourself, let some of it out towards that part.

Yeah.

And start to continue to set boundaries with it. Okay. Secondly, feel some of that heat and intensity that you felt. Cause you really started to connect to that intensity in the body. And when you can start to bring some of that to your wife in a playful way. Right. Again, you're not angry at her. You're not directing your anger at her or aggression or anything.

Like that.

But for us, oftentimes for men, that connection to when my anger is safe, so is my sexual force and power. When my anger is safe, so is my sexual force and power. If I don't feel safe with my anger, then maybe my sexual power isn't safe either.

That's very true.

So the more you develop safety with your anger anger, the more safe you're going to feel sexually to bring that potency that you have living within you to her. Okay. So in the next couple weeks, as you let some of this anger out towards this part, right. Towards this grief and the sorrow and whatever, as you start to let that out, see if you can bring some of that sexual charge to her in a safe way. Very similar intensity. Right. Notice if the intensity is somewhat similar because you have a little bit, I would imagine, and you correct me if I'm wrong, you might have a little bit of pent up sexual energy that's been waiting in there and it's exciting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So see if you can. And even just play with it tonight, right when you get home and you see her just say, come here. Right, Come over here. Come give me a hug. And just practice asking for these little things that you want. Closeness, connection, maybe a kiss, maybe some intimacy, maybe a hug, maybe, maybe to hold hands, whatever it is, but start to take up a little bit more space sexually within the marriage.

Yeah, sounds good.

Yeah. Any final thoughts or questions? Like probably a lot, but I have to have to go to a meeting now.

No, no, thank you. It's. Yeah, I do feel like a lot of stuff has, like I said, has let go or been pushed out and that I think it takes me a little bit to integrate with that. So I'm going to sit with it a little bit.

Yeah, maybe we can do like a 15, 20 minute follow up, like, you know, Q and A in the next week or two.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Yeah. Because I think that might be beneficial since we have to run.

Simmer.

Yeah, let us simmer. All right, my friend, thank you so much for diving in with me and hopefully we'll have you back on soon for either round two or a bit of a Q and A to follow up from this. Okay.

All right. Appreciate it, Connor. Thank you. All right.