Men's Work Session - When Abuse Blocks Purpose

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Welcome back to the mantalks show. I'm Connor Beaton, and today we're going to have another anonymous guest, another anonymous conversation. And this might be one of the most important anonymous sessions that I've done because it shows the complexities of what can get in the way of. Of us feeling a deep and meaningful sense of contribution to the world, a deep and meaningful sense of who we are contributing to the world and the people around us in a meaningful way, allowing us to feel as though our life has meaning, as though us being here on this earth has a function and a purpose. And just in case you've never dove into one of these sessions before, this is me working live with the man who has reached out for some support on a specific topic, something that he's being challenged with in his life. And so in past episodes, we've covered a broad range of topics from, you know, healing the relationship with your father, dealing with your own anger, dealing with your body image, healing the relationship to your mother. And in this episode, we are going to dive into a few different areas, but for the most part, this individual, this man, very courageous to dive into the subject matter they talked about today. So we talk a little bit about healing childhood abuse, physical abuse, emotional and verbal abuse. We talk about dealing with the relationship with our father. We talk about the impact of not being able to have a deep sense of purpose or direction. And this is really at the core of what this individual, as you hear in the very beginning of the show, had sort of come to this session for. He was wanting to gain a better sense of what his purpose is in life, how to derive a sense of meaning. And what you'll hopefully discover throughout this process that I walk him through is that there's a lack of self worth that has been very prevalent throughout his life, and a sort of block within himself about feeling worthy to have a sense of purpose, to have a sense of meaningfulness within who he is and what he does. And so we sort of attack and address that block, that obstacle head on. And you'll hear through the process that I walk him through. And hopefully that's helpful for you because one of the things that I hear a lot of men saying in today's world is I feel like I lack a sense of purpose. I feel like I lack a sense of meaning. And what we often are looking for as one does is, where do I find it? Where can I find purpose? And one of the things that most of us fail to explore, which I really sincerely hope that you do, whether you continue to listen to the rest of this podcast or whether you just take this message, is we fail to explore what may be blocking us from feeling worthy within, having a sense of purpose and what the obstacles might be that are in our way for connecting to the purpose and the meaning that we may already possess and have present within our lives. And that's really part of the process that I walk this gentleman through. His family system ties into it. His father ties into it. The abuse that he experienced ties into it. And so you'll hear the layers that I sort of walk him through and slowly peel away that get him to a deeper sense of what his purpose is. So enjoy this episode. Certainly share this episode with somebody that you know will find meaning, will find value in it, because you probably know somebody who's struggling to find a deep sense of purpose in their lives. And this is very common.

Right.

I've seen this time and time again. It's why it's such an important episode. So let me know what you think about this episode. Please bend it forward and share it with somebody that you know will enjoy it or might potentially get something from it that it might assist them on their journey. And if you have any other topics that you would like me to cover, then message me on Instagram mantalks and let me know. And without any further delay, please welcome my Anonymous guest. Okay, Mr. Anonymous guest, how are you doing today?

Great, Connor, great. Yeah.

Good. It's good to have you here. And I appreciate you jumping onto this call with me and jumping into the belly of the beast. I feel like that's what I should call these sessions. Into the belly of the beast.

Yes.

That wouldn't be intimidating at all for guests, right?

Yeah. Good. Well, why don't we just begin with a little bit of what prompted you to sign up for this conversation?

I'm just. I feel like I work really hard at being grounded and centered and finding what my purpose is in life. And I just. See, I feel like I just can't quite get there. I feel pretty lost lately. And I have a tendency to be codependent in my relationships. And I have a tendency to people please and have nice guy behaviors that don't suit me.

When you say codependent in your relationships and nice guy behaviors, can you just say a little bit more about that? Just tell us, tell me more. Sure.

Specifically, with my relationships, I have a tendency to just put all my needs aside, have no boundaries, and expect that I'm going to get the love in return. And then when I'm not receiving that. I feel like an emptiness inside, I guess. And I kind of feel like I only love myself when somebody else is showing me that.

Yeah, pause there and just say that again.

So I feel like I only love myself when somebody else is showing me that they love me.

I don't know how to love myself. Right.

I don't know how to love myself.

So tell me a little bit more about that. I don't know how to love myself. Or we could reframe that. I don't know how to respect or accept myself.

I don't know how to respect or I don't know how to respect myself.

Let's deviate a little bit. So I'm just going to finalize. What were you hoping to get out of this session? Were you hoping to get out of this session?

I was hoping to find a sense of direction and a sense of purpose, though, that I know, like worthy and, you know, that's what I'm hoping for.

And how have you been going about that so far in the last few years? Like when you feel disconnected from a sense of purpose, what do you normally do? What actions do you take? What thoughts do you think?

I just have this, I kind of beat myself up, you know, and I, I have these negative thought patterns where I'm saying to myself, you're not enough. You're not good enough. You didn't try hard enough. You can do so much better than that. Why are you not trying hard enough? Why are you not doing enough?

Okay, so very self critical.

Very self critical.

Yeah, lots of that. Pesky inner critic. I'm sure nobody can relate to that.

Right.

So when you get into relationships, tell me about the type of people that you normally date. What are they like, what was your previous relationship like?

I feel like she was a wonderful woman and respected me in, in my growth, but I just felt like I was like, she was always saying, well, you should, you know, do more and do more and do more. And I, I. So I have a tendency, like to date people that don't always like things the way that I do them and I change myself, I guess.

So you tend to date women that reinforce the feeling of not enough. I'm not enough.

Okay, and then what happens? So you get in a relationship and then you start to hear, you need to do this, you need to do that. If you change this, what happens?

I start to change myself and I start to mold myself to what I feel like I'm supposed to be.

What they want you to be.

Right, right. What they want Me to be. You're right. And then I find myself all of a sudden, I wake up one day and I'm like, I don't even know how I got here. I don't know how I became this person, because that's not who I was when I started this. And I forget who I am. And then I become resentful. I become resentful. I get upset with myself, and then I get upset with that other person when it's not their fault.

And how does the resentment come out in the relationship? What does it look like? What does it sound like?

I feel like it. Me shutting down and stuffing it away. And then after a while, I just. I can't keep a lid on it anymore, and I get angry, and it's usually just like a yell or whatever, and then becomes very reactive, and I don't respond appropriately. A lot of times when that happens, and I can't even think straight.

Yeah. So classic nice guy, right? Right. Classic nice guy, right? I'm so nice. I kind of don't really know who I am or I don't want to accept who I am at my core. And I need somebody else to tell me who I am sometimes. But then when I try and become who they want me to be, I get angry, I get resentful, and I can't hold down that anger or that resentment any longer. What's the resentment normally about? What is it? If you take your last relationship as an example, what did the relationship sound like? What were you actually resentful towards her for?

I feel like I was, like, helping, like, support, being very supportive and helping her with, like, finances and stuff like that. And, yeah, that's just one small thing, but I would be helpful with finances and, like, just pay all her bills off and stuff like that. And then next thing I know, I'm like, oh, I don't. Now I have to work extra hard to make up that. And I have to do all this stuff, and I don't know what I'm getting in return. I just feel like I end up with nothing in the end. On three different occasions, I've literally separated and left and had.

The belongings that would fit in the back of my pickup truck. And.

Not totally broke, but barely any money left, and not where I started, and not that belongings matter.

But I feel, like, resentful about it, I guess.

Yeah. So you put a lot of effort into not only trying to change yourself and become who you think that the woman wants you to be, but you try and support her above and beyond. What she's even asking for.

Right.

In the hopes that what will happen.

I'll get love, like, never ending. Like, she'll just always be there and know, no matter what.

Okay, so this is the point in the program where if we were having a Freudian conversation, I'd ask you about your mom.

But we're going to have a little bit of a different dialogue. So I want you to tell me about what your family system was like growing up. And more specifically, I want you to tell me about your dad. What was he like?

Never really around. And when he was, he was super critical and tired from work and angry all the time. You never could do enough. And then he would be violent, verbally abusive and physically abusive. So a lot of times I always tell myself it was because I really fucked up. I mean, I obviously have a, like, not perfect kid.

What were you like as a kid?

I feel like I was rebellious a lot, and I got in a lot of trouble and I did some really bad, you know, things that probably deserved a lot of punishment and. But at the same time, I. After I. I did learn from my mistakes. I got in a lot of trouble when I was 13, and then I was pretty focused on redemption after that, like, showing that I wasn't a bad kid, you know, trying to make up for that. And I cost my dad a lot of money, and I worked as hard as I could to pay him back when I was 13 years old, 14 years old. And I would work every summer until I graduated high school, until I got out of the house, really. I got out as fast as I could because I just couldn't be around.

My dad because why?

It was just toxic. He was always.

Criticizing.

I just didn't feel comfortable ever. I felt like I had to go hide otherwise he was going to rage off of who knows what.

What are you. What are you experiencing right now? Just talking about him and your childhood.

Ugh. Like, it's hard to breathe a little bit.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's challenging.

And the.

The shitty thing is like. Like, I see that he's that way with my mom all the time still, and we still have family get togethers. Obviously, he's changed his. He's not physically aggressive with any of us anymore, but he's that way with my mom. He's verbally aggressive and abusive to my mom all the time, even now. And I cannot even, like, I can't even bring myself to say anything. And I don't know why. My late 40s, you know, I shouldn't be able to I don't know. So it's a lot.

Yeah. So just take another one of those breaths and I just want you to connect to the sensation that you're having that you're experiencing in your chest right now and just keep the eyes closed for a moment.

And connect to that tension, shortness of breath, maybe the weight that you feel and just say what you're experiencing.

I just, I don't know, I feel afraid. I don't know why.

Yeah, that's okay. Yeah, so just stay with the fear for a moment, take another breath and just give that fear a voice. So if my fear could speak right now, it would say, if my fear.

Could speak right now, let's say I don't know why you act like that, why you behave that way.

Yeah. Who I'm talking to is, I'm talking to my dad.

I don't know why it's not okay.

I don't know why you treat people that way.

Yeah. So just take another breath. So the thought of speaking to him, the thought of confronting him feels.

Yes, it was scary.

I feel like a little boy.

Yeah. So let's just stay there for a second and I just want you to, in your mind, just create a bit of a picture. Bring yourself back into your family home and I want you to see that boy. When you think about, when you feel into how old you feel right now in that place of fear, how old do you feel?

I don't know, probably like seven or eight years old.

Okay. So I just want you to be back in your childhood home. Whichever, you know, if you moved around a lot, just choose one that stands out to you and just see 7 year old you and see your dad in the room and take another breath and just. You're just observing it, right? You're just witnessing it. So you can see seven year old you, you can see your dad. And then when you're ready, just make a statement about your experience.

Witnessing that it feels really scary, like I don't know and he's going to get upset.

Yeah, the boy is scared.

Yeah, he is. He's so little.

Yeah.

Just scared.

Yeah. So just say what you want to do when you see that. What's your natural instinct or reaction when you see that boy around that man?

I just want to protect him.

Can you tell him that?

Can you just say that I'm going to be here for you and protect you?

Yeah, dude. Doing great. Let's take another breath. Just tell him one more time because he might not fully let that in.

I'm gonna Be right here for you. I got your back. I'm gonna protect you.

I'm gonna protect you from.

I'm gonna protect you from him. He can't hurt you.

Good work. Yeah. So just say how you would want to protect him.

I would just make him go away. Just make him leave.

What would that look like? Would you want to pick up the boy and hold him? Would you want to confront your father?

I just want to stand in front of him and confront my father.

Yeah. So let's do that. So if you just imagine stepping between the boy and that critical, overbearing, sometimes abusive man. So letting the boy stand behind you and take another breath. Good.

Good. I just want you to grip onto the chair or something that's in front of you right now. Just really feel a little bit of force. Feel your feet on the floor. Breathe a little bit deeper into the belly. So if I was to intervene, was to confront my father, I'd tell him.

You can't hurt me anymore. You can't hurt him. You can't hurt him.

Yeah. The way that you're speaking to that boy is.

It's not okay. It's fucked up.

Yeah. It's fucked up because you.

It's fucked up because you're mean and evil and for no reason. He's a little boy.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So the way you treated me was.

No way he treated me was up. Not okay.

My anger could speak right now. They would tell you to get away.

Just to stay away. Leave us alone.

Yeah, leave me alone.

Leave me alone.

Take a breath and just feel some of that fire. Feel some of that heat. Where I feel that anger in my body right now is right in my.

Chest and my stomach.

Yeah. If that anger had a color, it.

Would look like to be red hot.

Yeah. How big is it?

It's huge. So big.

Yeah, Just stay there. That's good. Yeah. If that anger had a sound, it would sound like.

It would sound like a lion or a tiger. I don't know. It's just loud.

Are you able to let some of that out?

Oh, my God, yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Just take a breath and just say, leave me alone.

Leave me alone.

Just let some of the sound out. And they exhale. Ah.

A little bit more.

Yeah. The way you treated me was.

The way you treated me was fucked.

Up, and I'm not going to tolerate it anymore because you not going to tolerate it anymore.

Take another breath.

Yeah. So if my anger wasn't being so nice, it would tell you to fuck off. Get away.

What would it sound like.

Loud, ferocious.

Yeah. So take a breath and let's just hear it. Just give it a shot.

Yeah, just fuck off.

Fuck off.

Fuck you for.

Fuck you for treating me like that. Fuck you. You know better.

Take another breath now. So my anger is.

My anger is not going to let this happen. My anger is so powerful right now.

Yeah. And his anger was.

His anger was evil. It was black and hurtful.

Yeah. So when his anger had a voice, it said.

Said I wasn't worthy. Said it was a piece of shit. And I'm not.

Yeah, Just stay there. Just feel that. Just speak directly to his anger. The things you said to me were.

The things you said to me were hurtful and not helpful. They were pointless, degrading, not hurtful.

And the damage they caused were.

The damage they caused was so long lasting. I don't even realize it sticks with people for so long. It's not okay. It's not.

Pat, Just stay with it for a moment. Just say what you're experiencing right now.

I just feel so angry.

He knows better.

Why does he know better? You know better because you know better.

Because your dad was the same way. You know better.

So he was abused?

Yes, he told us all the time.

This doesn't make it okay.

That's right. Yeah. Say that part again.

It's not okay. Just because you were hurt doesn't make it okay.

Yeah. I needed you to.

I needed you to be better. I need you to stop the cycle.

It's not okay.

So right now I'm holding back. What?

I'm just not sure. I'm just angry. I'm so fucking angry.

Yeah. I don't want to forgive you because.

I don't want to forgive you because it wasn't okay.

Yeah. Did he hit you ever?

More times than I can count.

Take another breath. So you're comfortable with. I would love for you to share one example, one memory of when that happened.

Got hit so hard and left dents in the wall. And I couldn't even go to Thanksgiving dinner with the family. I had to tell everybody I was sick because I had bruises all over my face. It was just a lot. I wasn't perfect. I fucked up. Just not okay.

What I needed from him was.

What I needed was, like, for you to just be there. Protect me, not treat me like shit.

Teach me.

So I needed you to love me.

I needed you to love me. Be a father.

If he was in the room right now, if he was in this conversation with you and I, what would he say to that? How would he respond.

I don't know.

I feel like he would feel bad.

I feel like he would feel sorry, but I don't want to forgive him. It's just so. Fucking tell him that I don't want to forgive you. I'm so fucking mad. Still mad today. This much. This long. It's been this long. I'm still mad. I'm pissed.

Yeah. So just take a breath. I always want you to see if you can let your anger just connect with that sentiment. I don't want to fucking forgive you for what you did and just really connect to it. If you had full permission, my friend. Full permission. What would it actually sound like to say that to him?

I don't want to fucking forgive you. I don't. You don't deserve it. You know better. I don't want to forgive you ever.

Let's take another breath. Are there other people in your house? Are you worried about being loud?

Yeah, a little bit.

Okay. Stay with the eyes closed for a second. Just stay there. You're doing really phenomenal. I just didn't want to push you to somewhere that you're not comfortable with or guide you to somewhere that you're not comfortable with. So. You got a lot of anger in you, right?

I do. I'm so mad. I. I hate my anger. It scares me.

Yeah. Yeah. Just stay with that. That's okay. Feel. Just feel that. Connect to that.

Yeah.

Yeah. I hate my anger because it reminds me of.

It reminds me of my dad.

Yeah. Why did you give me this? Why did you give me this?

Why did you give me this? Bullshit. Yeah. And I can't stop it. I would never hurt anybody. I don't hurt people. I don't. And I never would. But it gets so mad sometimes. I can't make it stuff. And it scares me.

It's not okay.

Yeah. So just pause there. Take another breath.

Yeah. And just connect to your anger.

So. And let's just give your anger a voice so my anger could. Could speak. It would say, I am.

I am so pissed right now. I'm so angry with you.

Yeah. And I'm. I'm here because.

I'm here because you keep. You treated me like this. It's not okay. And I'm pissed. I'm so bad. It just made me so shameful. I'm so mad about it.

Yeah. I'm mad because I feel like the victim to you.

I do. I don't want to be the victim.

It's okay.

That's okay. Just stay there for a second. It's okay.

Yeah. But the truth was that you were a victim to his anger and to his abuse. Right. As a boy, could you have fought back and won?

No way.

No. So you were powerless?

I was, yeah.

And helpless at times. How did you deal with that powerlessness when you were a child?

I just shut down. I stayed away. I didn't. I bit my tongue. I hid, basically.

And then.

And I would just stay. I would just hide and not. I would make myself small.

Until you would act out.

Yeah, yeah, I would act out.

What did you do to act out?

Oh, gosh. Hung out with the wrong people and stole things and picked fights with other kids.

You know, all that. Did bad things.

Got in trouble all the time.

Yeah. So I tried to feel powerful.

I did. I tried to be powerful by like hanging out with the wrong crowd, doing things I wasn't supposed to do.

Yeah. So let's just come back, just for a moment, into conversation with dad.

Okay.

So just take another breath. I just want you to put a hand over top of your belly, right where your diaphragm is, where your belly meets your ribs. And I just want you to imagine and connect to the energy of younger you here in this part maybe sometimes where you feel your anxiousness or worry about not doing enough, not being enough.

And just let yourself feel.

And you're just gonna hold that part for a moment. Okay. So you're gonna. You're gonna tend to that part while we have this conversation with dad. So that seven year old that was abused.

You know, that was told he wasn't good enough, that he was a piece of shit. That seven year old who sometimes was physically abused and left in a powerless position. Right. Because there was nothing that he could do. I just want you to hold him. And when you're ready, before we have the conversation with dad, I just want you to make a statement to that boy.

I got you. Nobody's ever going to hurt you.

He's not going to hurt you. He doesn't get to talk to you like that anymore.

Yeah. I'm sorry that you.

I'm sorry that you had to put up with that. It wasn't okay.

And I get that you felt powerless.

When I get you felt powerless when he would tell you you weren't worthy, you weren't enough, you said, didn't matter.

Good. So the father in me, if the father in me had a voice, it would tell that boy.

You'Re really awesome.

Yeah, you are.

You're really awesome. You have a lot of great talents and you make positive impact on the world.

You're gonna be amazing.

Got another breath?

Yeah. And I want you to know that it's okay that you.

It's okay that you fucked up.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That boy needed a father to tell him it's okay when he fucks up. It's okay to get it wrong.

It's okay.

Yeah. You've been very afraid of getting it wrong. So there's a threat, there's a punishment, except Dad's not around to punish you anymore, so you've carried on that task, punishing yourself, beating yourself up.

I would imagine if I got into your head and could hear the way that you talk to yourself when you're being critical, it's probably pretty harsh sometimes abusive even. Is that right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

You're doing great, man. So let's just take two more breaths in my breath. So when you're ready, I just want you to say, just tell me the price that you've paid for not forgiving your father.

I've. I don't know. I just carried on his legacy in my own head. I guess I do the same thing to myself. And I guess not forgiving him, I just, like.

Helped him survive. One in my brain, even though he's not here.

So let's just take a breath. Let him be in the conversation with us. Let your father be in the conversation with us. And I really want you to connect to that grounded, mature, solid energy of the father in you. The man in you that is a father that knows what it's like to protect children.

Right?

The man in you that just had that conversation with the boy in you. I got you. And what does that father want to say to the inner critic that lives within you? The judge that lives within you? What does he want to say to those parts?

You got to stop. You're not helping. You need to shut up.

Enough.

Enough.

So just feel that deeper in the body. I really want you to see if you can let that have some force behind it, the kind of force that pushes things back, lets them know where their place is. Enough.

Enough. That's it. Enough.

No more. No more what?

No more criticizing, shaming me. No more.

Yeah. When you show up, I'm going to.

When you show up, I'm going to tell you to shut the fuck up.

Because you will not speak to this boy.

Yeah. You won't speak to this boy like this anymore. Good.

So if the father of me had a voice, what it would say to.

My dad is, you fucked up.

It's not okay. You can. You're so much Better than that.

Yeah. You fucked up and.

And you can do a better job. You need to fix it.

And I haven't wanted to forgive you.

Because I'm so angry. I haven't wanted to forgive you because I'm so angry.

Do you think he forgave his father?

I don't think so.

Yeah. Is his father still around?

So his dad died and he hadn't forgiven him. And it doesn't seem like he ever did. So you're living in a lineage.

There's a lineage.

It's okay. Just be with that. Yeah. What did you experience when I said that?

Oh, it just felt, like, terrible. It's gotta be hard because you don't get to do that. Like you just don't get a second chance sometimes.

Part of the problem right now, too. I could be better.

It's okay. So take a breath and just say what you would want, what you would need in order to forgive him. What do you think you would want or need in order for forgiveness to happen? And it's okay if you don't know. That's okay, too.

Makes me nervous. I don't. I need to.

I need to find the strength to do it. Yeah.

Yeah. Well fucking said. Yeah. Forgiveness cannot happen without strength. It's not a weak thing. Your father didn't have the strength to forgive his.

What do you experience hearing that?

Oh, I just. I know what I need to do.

That's the one thing I don't want to do.

Yeah. It's okay. Just let that be there for a moment. It's no small thing. It's no small thing. Yeah. You didn't ask for this. Right. You didn't come into the world asking for this. And yet there it is. You know, we all carry things within us that we didn't ask for, that we didn't ask to have poured into us by a parent or a family member or a generational system that we were birthed into or a cultural system that we were birthed into. And yet there it is. So right now, I feel.

Right now I feel just so sad.

I feel really heavy.

I feel like I need to talk to my dad.

I just.

I just know. To talk to him.

Talk to him to say what?

Just to say what he did was up. But I forgive him.

If I could do it.

Yeah. That's okay. That's all right. I mean, maybe the truth of it is conversation is more of, you know what? The way you treated me when I was a kid sometimes really fucked up. And I haven't wanted to forgive you, you know, been angry with you, and I've held that resentment and that bitterness towards you because that's true, man. It's true. It's real.

It is.

So. And maybe the conversation doesn't have to happen yet, but let's just begin to come back. So just keep the eyes closed for a second, take another breath, and just make one statement about the sadness, the heaviness that you.

I've been experiencing just feels like the weight of the world right now.

Yeah. Yeah. The weight of realizing that I.

That I'm just right. I'm like, I'm not going to break the cycle myself. Even though I treat my kids with respect, I still need to break the cycle. Need to forgive my dad. Yeah.

And that you can. You can break the cycle. You can break the cycle. It doesn't have to carry on. You have one kid or two kids?

I have two boys.

Okay. Beautiful. That's some karma right there.

Yeah, that's some karma right there. I'm sure they were challenging sometimes.

Oh, yeah. And they're amazing. And I feel like the pendulum definitely swung a little too much. Maybe I was like. I was very supportive and, like, would never be the way I was with my dad or my wealth. You know what I mean?

I got you. I got you.

Yeah.

We don't. We don't need to tread in those waters right now. So take a breath, and I just want you to say what you experienced in this exercise, in this conversation.

I just experienced, like.

I just realized for the first time that me holding on to all this and not forgiving it, like, still pulling the strings, even though I don't mean not forgiving my dad, which is like the. Seems crazy to me that just holding on to it.

It's hard.

It's a huge emotional drainage. Right. Creates patterns within our life.

Yeah. It's driving the bus right now.

Yeah. It's been driving the bus for a long time.

So I'm just going to give you two more questions. Okay. So just close your eyes for her.

Okay.

Two more seconds. Okay. So what I know now that I didn't know before is what I know.

Now that I didn't know before is that me not forgiving my dad is a bigger problem than I realized.

Yeah. Another breath. And what I'm committed to moving forward.

Is what I'm committed to moving forward is dealing with this problem. So it doesn't run my life anymore.

Yeah. And the boundary I'm going to set with my own inner critic is it.

Doesn'T get to drive the bus Anymore, it gets to shut the fuck up, you know?

Yeah, it's not okay for it to just.

Yeah, it's not okay for it to just ramble on and shame me and guilt me and make me feel like shit anymore.

Good. So another breath. And out.

Good. So as you're ready, just take your time and come on back in.

Okay.

Did a lot of heavy lifting.

My God. Didn't expect that. And I've listened to your sessions before. I just, like, wasn't ready for that, I don't think. Thank you.

Yeah, you're very welcome. So we're just gonna recap, and I'm gonna give you a little bit of assignment to do if you're up front. Okay.

Of course.

So, you know, when these things happen, my friend, we want to rush into conversations and rush into action. And my two cents, my guidance, would be to take your time to get to the conversation with dad, because you might not fully know what it looks like yet. Okay. Maybe you do. And you're comfortable with going in and saying, you know, the things that you said in the conversation. Right? Things. Things you did, the things that you said, they weren't okay. They hurt me. And I haven't wanted to forgive you. You know, maybe that's just it. But to find your own way there, I think it'd be helpful to just answer a few questions for yourself and some journaling. Are you good with journaling for a little bit? Doing some writing?

I journal a lot, so.

Great. Great. So I'm just going to give you a couple of questions. So, number one, I haven't wanted to forgive my father because the things that I say to myself that sound familiar to the things he said to me are.

I felt powerless around him when.

How I responded to that powerlessness was. And then finally how I've tried to regain power is.

And then I'm just going to just recap and sort of bring this all together. Okay.

Okay.

And I'd actually encourage you what I'm about to say. I'd actually encourage you to go back and listen to when this comes out. Okay.

Okay.

And it might be something that you journal about and just sort of sit with, and if there's anything that stands out than you, you know, you write it down. So you came into this conversation saying kind of, why am I here? You know, in life, what's my purpose? I feel a little lost. And as we got into the questioning, you said, I only love myself when others love me.

So clearly you've been on a mission to try and get this man that you wanted to love you, your father, to in some way, shape or form, give you the validation, tell you that you're enough. You've been chasing his love, his appreciation, his fatherly. What you do and who you are is good enough in some way, shape or form. And it sounds like you've been working real hard, real hard at that, right? And it's like the more that you work, the less that it seems to work for you. And that's because you don't actually need to work harder. You need to forgive and let go deeper, right? You've been working really hard to try and be and become somebody. That's enough. But you already are. And I think you know that to some degree. And it's actually the block, the barriers in the forgiving. So that's one piece. The other piece is around this generational thing, right? That very clearly is in your family, you have a lineage of broken relationships between father and son. And the thing that I really want you to contemplate, meditate on, write about, is what does it look like for me to be a good son in my father's final chapter? How old is he?

65. I think he's 65. Yeah.

So he's entering into the twilight of his life, right? So what does it look like for me to be a good son in my father's final chapter? Now, that doesn't mean that you need to sacrifice who you are and do the nice guy thing or any of those things, but what it might mean, and it's specifically through the lens of forgiving my father, forgiving him, letting go of the debt that I feel like he owes me because he couldn't do it. And it doesn't sound like he did it for his dad. And who knows how long that goes? You know, maybe that was something that your grandfather and his father dealt with. Like this could go back decades, generations. I see that all the time. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, spanning generations. So what would it look like for me to forgive him fully and accept who he is? That's the final question. What would it look like for me to forgive him fully and accept who he is? Because acceptance is a verb that only happens with love. Acceptance without love said this the other day to somebody, and they thought it was pretty cheesy. But acceptance without love is like a hamburger without the meat, right? It's just two pieces of bread. It's like empty calories, right? Doesn't work. It's not the same thing. It's a different thing. It's not acceptance. So I don't know what my purpose is. Well, it seems pretty fucking clear to me based on this conversation. My purpose right now in life is to learn to do the thing that my father couldn't. To forgive my father, to heal the generational shit that has been passed into my life that is blocking so much of my life. My relationships, my sense of fulfillment. My purpose is to forgive. And then my purpose is to learn how to respect and accept myself. Because when you entered into this conversation, it's very clear that you do not respect or accept yourself. How can you love yourself if you don't respect and accept yourself? So sometimes our purpose isn't what. We have a very sort of modern idea of purpose. I think in self help. And the personal development culture that espouses that purpose is deeply connected to what you do. But the purpose that you're being asked to cultivate is about who you actually are. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does. It makes a lot of sense. And I feel like you're totally right. I've been trying to find my purpose in what I do. Yeah, yeah.

I've said this before, but I'll say it again. If what you do is successful, but who you are is an asshole or somebody that you hate, how can you ever be living purpose? Right? You can't be living a purposeful life. So we as men get caught on this notion that if I'm just successful at what I do, then I'll be living purpose, I'll be living a meaningful life, I'll be successful. And it's like, well, no, if you fucking hate yourself, it doesn't matter how successful you are. Right? Success without, as you know, Tony Robbins says, success without fulfillment is the ultimate failure. But I would also say success without self respect, self love and self acceptance is going to feel hollow. You will always feel malnourished. Right? We'll always feel that hollowness and that emptiness that we feel inside of us is not necessarily a bad thing. But we have to learn how to love and accept that hollowness, that emptiness that sometimes is pervasive within us. It's something that we need to learn how to carry that no one taught us how to carry. Right. No one taught you how to carry your pain or your grief or your anger or your sadness?

No.

Even you said in the session, I hate my anger. Well, sounds like they got your work cut out for you. Right? Love and accept that part. I had to do that too. I hated my anger for a long time. I thought it was divisive. And, you know, aggressive and got into all kinds of shit, and I had to learn how to accept it. There's a great line by. And this is how I'm going to. We'll just close it out here. There's a great line by a poet named David White, who I really respect, and he said, anger is the deepest form of care. Now, that doesn't mean that abuse is the deepest form of care. That doesn't mean that aggression is the deepest form of care. Those are very different things. It means that anger in the sacred anger perspective, in the clean anger perspective, anger that builds, anger that protects, anger that pulls things together rather than disintegrate them, that is the deepest form of care. So any final thoughts, words, comments of what you're taking with you?

No, I'm taking so many things with me, first of all, so thank you. I really know. I know what I need to do, and I really think you're right. It's going to take time, and I need to just take my time, but I know what I need to do.

Good. So the final thing is, if you want, write a practice letter to your dad that you don't send, all right? Just write a letter of what you would want to say to him. And I find that sometimes that can be quite helpful. If you have a men's group, you know, maybe bring it to them and read, you know, read that to them. And sometimes that can help us find a sense of closure and clarify what it is that we really want to say. Thank you so much for joining me today. All right, thank you for jumping into this conversation with me and being so willing to go deep into the. Well, I would just say you might feel a little bit of an emotional hangover tomorrow. So don't be surprised if you feel a little more raw and a little more tired and fatigued tomorrow. I would really strongly recommend that for, like the next 48 hours to 72 hours, if you are somebody that. That drinks or smokes, smokes weed, that you don't do those things, that you just honor your body and. And you just be. Be in the space of feeling raw, you know? Okay. Any final questions?

No, I can't think of any right now. Connor, I really appreciate this, like, really more than you can know.

Yeah. Thank you. An honor. Honor to sit with you and speak with you. Thank you so much for everyone that tuned into this episode. Thank you so much for dialing in. And if you know anybody that could use this type of conversation, you know, this is why we do that. This is why good men like this gentleman show up and have these conversations is that we need to heal, need to figure this out. We need to learn how to forgive and learn how to carry our pain. And so, yeah, so thank you for being here. Don't forget to man it forward. And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off. Thanks.

Sa.