Rules For Friends

Recently, I was doing a live conversation in the Man Talks alliance, which is an online group for men from around the world. And one of the men asked me, what are the rules that you have for the men that you become friends with? What are the rules that dictate your friendship? Because this man was having problems with some of the men that were in his life, some of his friends that didn't feel like very meaningful relationships, and he was wanting to elevate the relationships that he had with other men in his life. And so I put together this list in response to that because I realized that there are some very important prerequisites. You know, the way of men. As Jack Donovan says, the way of men is the way of the gang. And I think that every good friendship, that every great man has a solid group of men around him, and those men are his alliance. You know, an alliance by definition is for the mutual benefit of all involved. And I think that that is what male relationships do best, is that when we really put effort and energy into them, they can be for the mutual benefit of all involved. So here's some of the things that I abide by with my friends. As I've looked at the group of men that I've curated over the years, here are five or six things that I found to be super helpful. Number one, you and your friends should only discuss things that improve your life. You should only discuss things that improve your life. And the reason for this is pretty simple. You know, we have a finite amount of time to spend with our friends. And if we're just talking about meaningless shit that we don't care about, then not only not being very productive, but we are disrespecting that man in some way, shape or form because he likely has wisdom to offer, insight to offer and value to contribute to you in your life. And so when I'm around the closest men in my life, we talk about money, we talk about investment, we talk about saving, we talk about building our business, we talk about improving our health, we talk about improving our relationships and our sex life. We talk about getting in better shape and eating healthier, we talk about meaningful, depth oriented, substance oriented stuff, and we leave the fluff out. Occasionally there's a joke here or there, and occasionally we'll get into some things that we'll talk about sports here and there once in a while. But for the most part, I would say that 90 to 95% of our conversation is about improving our life. And that can look a number of different ways. But the conversations that you have with your friends matter. So we talk about shit that matters. We talk about improving our lives. Number two, and this is a one that I've come to recently, really look for in my friendships with other men, is you have valuable disagreement. I think that a lot of men either don't disagree at all with their friends or they disagree in ineffective ways that don't actually allow each individual to improve, to learn, to grow. And the key here is that especially for men, disagreement is a sharpening stone for us individual as men. But disagreement is also a sharpening stone for the bond between us as men. And so we can disagree. And in that disagreement we learn about who that other man is, how he shows up in the world, how he thinks, how he operates. We learn who that man becomes under stress and duress. Can we really, truly trust him? Or does he devolve and dissolve into someone that starts to attack and blow up and, you know, become violent or hostile, you know, really hostile and abusive. So healthy, productive, valuable. Disagreement with the other men is number two. And I think it's very, very important. Number three, and I don't know if some of you are going to like this or not, but your friend should have utility. Your friend should have utility. You should have men in your life that have a function, have a purpose, they can contribute to you in some fashion, right? They can offer some financial advice. They, you know, when you need to get into some of the best restaurants, they have connections for you. When you're looking to elevate your business in some capacity, they have a network that you can plug into. You know, if you're struggling in your relationship in some capacity, they know somebody that can help you. You know, if you're looking to buy a new car or purchase a house or get a mortgage or, you know, just some basic things. They know a guy, right? So they should have some utility. And that utility should be reciprocal. So you should have built yourself up and built up your life, your network, your connections to the capacity where you can also reciprocate that utility. You can also give back to that man in his time of need when he needs to buy a new car or he needs some support in his business, he needs a good consultant or, you know, a good tax guy or whatever it is that you have some value that you can offer him, whether it's insight and wisdom, whether it's part of your network, you should have things to offer that man that will improve his well being, that will support him and his life. Number four is pretty straightforward. They should be Fiercely loyal, specifically when shit's hitting the fan. So if your life is in distress, right, let's say your business is really in a bad place, and you bring that to the men that are in your inner circle or. Or your relationship, you know, maybe something's gone wrong. Those men are there to sort of situationally understand what's going on, support you, and help you move through that really hot spot in your life. And then after, to assess, to kind of do what the seals call a hot wash, right? To. To recap, okay, what went well? What could have you done better? What went wrong in the first place? Like, what the hell actually happened that your relationship blew up or that your business was in that place? But in the moment, I think it's really important to have friends that are fiercely loyal to supporting you, moving through that really challenging space or challenging place within whatever aspect of your life you're going through it in. And that loyalty is important because some men will not want to help take action. Some men will just want to sit there and talk, well, why did you do that? And why did that happen? And that doesn't help you solve the problem in the moment. So the type of loyalty that I'm talking about is the loyalty to help you act, to help you understand, to help you move through, and then afterwards, to sort of do a postmortem and assess, like, what the hell actually just went on there. Why did you make that decision in the first place? How come you didn't come talk to me before things blew up in your marriage or in your business? Lastly, is. And this is an interesting one that I, over the years, have really come to believe is imperative. I think it's the foundation. Maybe I should have put it first. But it's that you respect that man more than you like him. You respect that man more than you like him. I found for myself, the men that I like are often the men that I might not respect. I might have some respect for them, but it's not a depth of respect. It's like, oh, I like that guy, but I don't necessarily trust him fully. I like that guy, but I don't really. I'm not really invested in him. I like that guy, and I'm not really gonna give him feedback or give him. You disagree with him, or give him my perspective or support him in the way that I want. I found that the men that I really deeply respect, almost more than I like them. Because you can respect a man to such depth, you're like, I don't necessarily like those parts of you. Because maybe they invoke something in me, like they provoke something in me. But man, I respect who you are. I respect how you do business. I respect how you show up for your family. I respect. I respect how you show up for your health. I respect your level of persistence and dedication. I respect you. Those are the men that I want to surround myself with and the men that I have in my life now, the men that are closest to me, I respect them a hundred times more, a thousand times more than I like them. And I like them. But man, do I ever respect them. And for me, what I've noticed is that when we as men respect another man more than we like him, we'll put our life on the line. We will go above and beyond. We will show up for him even when he doesn't ask for it. We will do anything to support that man. We will really stand shoulder to shoulder with that man. And that type of respect will also call us forward into being more robust, more confident, more, more self respecting versions of ourself, which I think is one of the primary functions of male relationships. And so lastly, just as the bonus, I think I sort of hinted to it there before, but the men that you want in your life, they're going to show up for you when you need it and not when you've asked for it. They're going to show up for you when you've asked for it. Absolutely. But they're going to have a sense, they're going to be plugged into you enough to be able to say like, hey, I'm coming to visit you. It seems like you need to have a dinner. Like I'm going to take you out tomorrow night, let's go have a chat. Or they're dialed into who you are and they show up for you when you need it, not just when you've asked for it. And I think that is really sort of like the final sign of a really potent and powerful brotherhood. So let me know what you would add to this list. What you feel like has maybe been missing in some of your friendships. And don't forget to subscribe because that helps me get this content to more men who could definitely use it. So until next time, this is Connor Beaton signing off.