Tell Her What The !@#$ You Want

I honestly think that one of the big relationship killers, one of the biggest challenges that modern men face within relationships is that they don't know how or why they should tell the woman that they're with what they need. And so a lot of guys are needless in their relationships and they feel insecure and they feel unworthy and they struggle with being the nice guy because that's really what the nice guy is, right? The nice guy is like, let me prioritize you and your needs and your wants and your desires and what you think we should have for dinner and where we should travel and where you want to go on dates. Let me prioritize all of that for you. And hopefully if I do that, then you'll meet my needs in return and it doesn't work. You see, one of the biggest things that we as men underestimate when we're in relationships is how fundamentally attractive is it is to a woman when we are direct, when we are transparent. You know, you've probably heard about those guys or maybe you've even been that guy where you're out dating and you actually don't want a relationship and you go on a first date or a second date and the question comes up of like, oh, hey, what are you looking for? You know, or she's kind of like alluding to the question of do you want to be in a long term relationship? And you're just direct and you say, you know what, I actually just, I'm just wanting a sexual relationship. I just want to hook up. I just want to have some fun. I'm not actually looking for anything serious. And you're, boom, right there, you're direct. And sure, maybe sometimes some women are going to say, you know, I'm really looking for a committed, serious relationship. But for other women, they're going to know exactly where you stand and it's going to open the door, an invitation, and you're clear and you're a direct. And there's something attractive about that to them, right? They like that you're honest. They like that you're not bullshitting them or sort of skirting around the issue or creating some fluff story about where you are in your life or whatever it is. You're just directing. You're saying, here's what I need, here's what I'm looking for, here's what I want. And there's something inherently attractive to that. And one of the things that I think most men struggle with when they say things like, I don't know if she's the right one or I don't know if I'm in the right relationship or some version of that. I don't know if I want to commit to. I love her, but I'm not too sure if it's good for long term. Nine times out of ten, what I have found is that those men are not communicating what they need fully in the relationship. They're not being honest with themselves, they're not being honest with the woman that they're with. And so of course they can't ever really truly know whether that woman or the relationship is the right one for them as men because they're not actually expressing what it is that they want. And so their needs are never getting met. And so the first thing that I want you to know about, not only why you should tell her what you need and how you should do it, the first thing that I want you to know is that telling the woman that you're with, that you're dating, that you're married to, what it is that you need and want and expect will dictate and show you who she actually is. And it'll inform whether or not she's the right person person for you. Because the truth is, how she responds, how she reacts to your needs matters, right? If you say, you know, here's what I'm looking for in a relationship, you know, I, I want somebody to travel with. I'm really prioritizing my work right now. You know, I enjoy sexual connections on a regular basis. And she kind of laughs that off and she's like, oh, you know, I don't, I don't really pray. That's not really important to me. Like sex in a relationship isn't really important to me, or traveling with, with somebody really isn't important to me right now, you know, I just want to have kids. You're going to get a good sense of who that person is. And now those are big things, right? But on a daily basis, if you're communicating what you need and that person is ignoring what you need, right? They're rejecting what you need, they're mocking it. They're right. Which is a very common thing. The funny thing that a lot of men are experiencing in modern day relationships is that they are subtly being told that they should be needless men, that they shouldn't actually have needs, that their wants should be sort of backseat to the feminine desires. And so when you see a lot of these dating coaches and a lot of relationship advice, a tremendous amount of it is very female oriented. It's telling you as a man, prioritizing what she wants, what she needs. And on the other side of that, you'll probably get your needs met. But the reality is, is that you never really get to know who she is when you are doing that. Because we, we get to see who somebody else truly is and whether they're a good fit for us in our lives. When we say, this is what I want, this is what I want to do, this is what I want to experience, this is what I want to explore, this is the adventure that I want to go on. And when we not only talk about those things, but when we go and do it, you know, I remember being in a relationship where I said, hey, you know, for me, going camping, being out in the wilderness, adventuring in nature is a really important aspect to my life and it's a priority. And I talked about it quite a bit, but I didn't take action on it. The woman that I was dating at the time would say, like, oh, okay, well, it's not super important to me, but like, if you want, I'll go and do that stuff with you. Like, yeah, sure. But then when I actually prioritized it, it created a ton of conflict, created fights. She didn't want to go, she was unwilling to engage with it. And you know, that was just one simple thing that started to tell me, like, maybe this isn't the right relationship for me. Maybe this isn't the right woman for me. And the more that I actually said, this is what I need. And I followed up on it, I took action on it, but the more that I started to discover that we weren't right at all, we weren't in the right relationship, I wasn't in the right relationship, Right. And so the more that you speak your needs, the more you're going to discover whether or not your values as a man are coherent and aligned with the woman that you're dating now. The other thing that I think is really important to know is how you actually go about speaking your needs. Because for a lot of men, you know, maybe they've grown up in a more sort of female oriented, feminine oriented environment. They're afraid of saying what they want. You know, they've convinced themselves that their needs aren't as important or that they have to meet their woman's needs before they even speak what their needs are. And so a lot of guys are afraid of engaging in this process. And so there's a couple of things that you can do. Number one, you need to know what's actually meaningful and important to you in your life, right? So, for example, the camping example, it's actually really valuable and important to me. I want to be able to have a partner that I can go adventuring with, I can go camping with, I can go out into nature with. Why? Because this is something that I value inherently. I grew up with that as a kid. It's important to me. I'm going to take my son camping. I have a little boy, and I'm going to take my kids out into nature. I want them to have a connection and a relationship to nature. And so it's important to me that the woman that I'm with has some sort of affinity for nature as well, because I'm going to be spending a lot of time there. So first and foremost, know what you want. Secondly, be direct and communicate very clearly and articulately what it is that you want. Right? I want to go camping at least a couple times a year. Do you like that? Are you open to that? Would you go with me? Right. That type of direct statement is going to spark conversation, right? She might be like, yeah, cool. I've never gone camping, but I'm totally open to that. Let's go try it and then take action on it, right? So don't just be the man that's all talk, because a lot of guys say, this is what I want and this is what I need. But his actions don't actually follow his words. And so what a woman comes to know of that man is he might say what he wants, he might say what he needs, but he never actually takes action on it. And so she comes to trust that his words aren't really solid, right? That his words aren't really backed by actions. And so you actually have to back up your statements, what you want, what you need, with actions of following through on it. Lastly, but not least, is make decisions that then prioritize what it is that you want, right? So small everyday things, right? Choose the place that you want to go for dinner, because maybe you've been neglecting where you want to go on a date. Figure out where you want to go on a date. Plan it out, right? Decide what it is that you want to watch on TV or where you want to go on vacation or what's important for you. I remember when my wife and I got married, when we got engaged and we started talking about our honeymoon. And normally the honeymoon is, you know, for the couple to sort of go and, you know, enjoy one another and go and see some foreign part of the world and et cetera, et cetera. And we started to have this conversation. I said, you know, here's what's really important to me. I have always wanted to go and hike Torres del Pine, which is in Patagonia in Chile. And I said, why don't we do this? Why don't we split our honeymoon up into two parts? The first part is going to be active. It's going to be adventure. It's going to be the thing that I've really wanted to do, and I want you to come on this adventure with me. And the second part will be what you want to do. Because what she really wanted to do was she wanted to relax and she wanted to lay by a beach and she wanted to eat good food and drink some wine and just sort of chill and not really do anything. And so I said, let's. Let's do this. I'm going to prioritize what I want, and we'll go do that. And then, well, let's prioritize what you want and we'll go do that. And so that ended up working out really well. She had a phenomenal time. We had a beautiful, incredible honeymoon. But what most guys do is they don't say what it is that they actually want, right? And so they prioritize their wife, their girlfriend's needs, their wants, their dreams ahead of their own, hoping that eventually their priorities will get met, hoping that eventually their priorities and their needs as a man will. Will come to fruition. So start to make the daily decisions and choices that express what it is that you need, that bring into being the type of relationship that you're actually wanting to create as a man. Make the decisions, say what it is that you want, take the action on it, be direct about what it is that you want, and then see who shows up, right? Who does your partner become? Does she reject? Does she ignore what it is that you're wanting and needing? Does she become condescending? Does she mock you? Does she test and challenge you constantly? Or is she. Are her values similar? Right? Is she able to say, that's great, I get it, it's what you want to do. Like, let's go do that. So long as you know we can do this afterwards, right? We can go to that place for dinner, but I want to go to this place for dessert, right? Can the two of you build a relationship where both of your needs are met? Where both of your needs are prioritized? And until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.