Three Ways To Deepen Intimacy

All right, team, welcome back to the Mantalk show. I'm Connor Beaton. Today we're going to be talking about the three ways that you can deepen intimacy. Right now I'm going to be focusing specifically in on your intimate relationship, on your sexual relationship. These principles can be used in pretty much any relationship in your life. But I'm going to talk specifically about your intimate relationship. So the first thing that I like to talk about is appreciation. And I like to say that appreciation is the currency of intimacy. It's the currency of intimacy. Now you'll hear a lot of red pill sigma mindset alpha talk that will discourage you as a man from sharing appreciation in your relationships. And the notion here is that if you don't give them what they want, then they'll keep coming back for what they need. And over time, this isn't necessarily a workable strategy, especially if you're looking for a long term partnership. If you're looking for something that's functional and if you're looking for something that is close, where you feel the other person, where you're connected to the other person, where the other person knows that you care about them. And so appreciation is the currency of intimacy because it's what builds closeness. It's what allows the other person to know that they have value, that they have meaning in your life, what you like about them, what you appreciate about them. And so you can start to look for the things that not only you value about them, but I think the big challenge that I have for you is can you learn to appreciate? Can you learn to love? Can you learn to value the things about your partner that you would normally criticize, that you would normally judge them for, that you would normally reject about them? And can you stand in appreciation in those moments where they're being troublesome and a bit of a pain and maybe throwing a little bit of a tantrum, or they're more emotional or they're acting a little needy here and there. And can you say, I really appreciate this about you? I love when you get angry like this. I love when you kind of stomp your feet and get upset. Because normally what we would do is we would break intimacy by criticizing, by judging, by shutting them down. Now, of course, there's limitations to this, right? There's certain behaviors, actions, comments that your partner's going to make that you don't want to encourage. Right? That's just sort of standard practice, I think. I don't need to label what all those things are. You know, if you're if your partner, if she's calling you an asshole, you know, or she's throwing a dish, dinner plate at your head, you probably don't want to say, I really appreciate it when you throw dinner plates at my head. That's probably going to come across as sarcastic, but it's really about, can I love you in your hard moments? Women, for the most part, really want to be loved, even when they're being a handful. A lot of women want to know, am I too much for you? And so sometimes you've probably heard this term online, sometimes they'll shit test you, or they'll poke, or they'll provoke, or they'll try to see are you safe. And for a lot of men, we resist that. We try and reject it. We dislike that they do it. And there's a part of them that's trying to be loved in that moment. There's a part of them that's trying to be accepted in that moment. And so one of the fastest ways to develop intimacy is to share appreciation, even for the things that you would normally find yourself wanting to reject. So the second thing is connect to experience. Connect to experience. So what is your direct felt experience, and what is your partner's direct felt experience? So can you feel your partner's energy? Can you connect to her emotional body, what she's communicating? Can you see the tension in her body? Can you connect to her breath? Is her breathing shallow? Can you allow it to be a little bit deeper? And what about your own direct felt experience? Are you anxious? Are you breathing shallow? Can you deepen that breath? Can you deepen the connection to your own physical sensations, to your own charge? Maybe you have a certain sexual charge in the moment when you're around your partner, or maybe you kind of closed off and shut off and you're just in your head. So moving out of thought and moving into the direct felt experience of being around your partner, if you've ever had your girlfriend or your wife or a woman that you've dated tell you, I just can't feel you. I don't know what you're feeling. I want you to be more vulnerable. Most of the time, what they're saying is you're just in your head a lot and it doesn't seem like you're connected to your own experience. And you're certainly not connected to my experience, to what I'm feeling, and so they feel left out. And so a good way to deepen intimacy is to tune into what am I feeling? What am I experiencing right now? Can I breathe deeper into that experience and allow it to be there. And can I connect to my partner's experience and see what. What are they feeling right now? What are they experiencing right now? Are they distracted? Can I bring them into the present moment? So those are just some good exercises to do. And the last one is to release the outcome. Release the outcome. So end outcome obsession. I see a lot of men starting to do these practices, right? Because this is a practice. Appreciation is a practice. Developing intimacy is a practice being able to connect to your own experience and your partner's experience. That's a practice as well. And so as men engage in this development of intimacy, maybe they start to have a sexual practice with their partner in the relationship where they're exploring certain fantasies and desires. It's very easy for us as men to get caught in outcome obsession. So it's like, I'm going to do this, I'm going to share some appreciation, but I expect X to happen, or I expect her to respond in this way or say this thing or do this thing. And we can get caught in this kind of transactional nature. So we have to let go of the outcome. And sometimes I'm going to speak specifically about sex very briefly. Sometimes what happens, our partner can get turned off or disengaged from sexual intimacy specifically because they can feel that we just want the outcome. We want to climax, we want to get off, we just want to have sex so we can release some stress. And that doesn't feel like a sense of intimacy, doesn't feel like a sense of connection. There's not a lot of room for her experience or her pleasure in that dynamic. And so the more that we as men can practice just releasing the outcome, right? So you might flirt with your partner in the kitchen, make out with her, kiss her neck, pull her in, hold her, touch her, whatever that is. And if your intention, if your energy is you're going into that dynamic, is outcome less, right? It's not about, we gotta have sex or I need to get a blowjob or I need to get off. If we can release the outcome, there's so much more freedom for expression in that moment for intimacy to happen, for connection to happen, rather than the outcome that we're focusing in on. So again, I'm gonna share those three things with you again. Appreciation is the currency of intimacy. So beginning to appreciate, share that appreciation and gratitude, the expression of love for your partner, even the things that you would sometimes reject or criticize her for or judge her for, learning to appreciate those things and invite those in. Secondly is connect to your direct experience and your partner's direct experience, the felt experience. And lastly is end outcome obsessions. So release the outcome. Release the outcome. Continue to release the outcome and engage in the practice of developing intimacy, of connecting with your partner. And as you do this, you're going to see her respond to it, because she doesn't feel like you need something from her, that you're clinging to some specific outcome that you're trying to get from her. And the more that you can do that, the more freedom there is for her, for you, for intimacy, and for the relationship. So, until next week, comment below. Let me know what you would add to it and what questions you have, what you liked, what you didn't like. We'll see you next time.