Weekly Training: How To Heal From Being Cheated On

At their peak, affairs rarely lack imagination, nor do they lack desire, abundance of attention, romance and playfulness, shared dreams, affection, passion and endless curiosity. All these are natural ingredients found in the adulterous plot. They are also ingredients of thriving relationships. It is no accident that many of the most erotic couples lift their marital strategies directly from the infidelity playbook. Those are words from Esther Perel. So today we are going to talk all about infidelity. Many of you have asked for a follow up on the mini episode that I did about how to heal from us cheating. So from the role of the person who had been unfaithful, and many of you had asked for a follow up to look at how do we heal from being cheated on, from the betrayal from the side of the one who experienced the infidelity. So that's what we're going to explore in this episode. And the first thing that I want to just preface this conversation with is that I don't necessarily talk about how to decide whether you should stay or go. I know for many people that is part of the equation. But I'm going to approach this from the perspective that out of the steps that I'm about to lay out for you, your path to whether you should stay or go will reveal itself. This is one of the hard parts about having someone betray us is that we are left with the decision of do we stay in that relationship? Do we try and make it work? If they are wanting to do that, if they're wanting to stay and they're asking for us as the person who's been betrayed to heal the relationship and work on it. And it's a very challenging decision that we are faced with in those moments. And so my approach here today is to look at how do we heal from being cheated on in a way that will reveal the answer of whether or not we want to maintain that relationship. And I took this approach because we can. Often I see a lot of people, I've worked with, a number of men and women who have been cheated on and there's oftentimes this fixation on do I stay or do I go? Do I work with them or do I not? They're changing their ways or they're saying these things that I've always wanted to hear or maybe yada yada. And the reality is that that can dramatically diminish our capacity to heal. And it can be the block that gets in the way from us grieving the betrayal. It can be the block that gets in the way and causes us to slow down in our understanding of what has transpired and to take a really good look at what is unfolded in the relationship, what we need to attend to, and what we actually need in order to move forward, regardless of whether that's in the relationship or not. The last thing that I'll say is that many relationships, many marriages, especially after infidelity happens, can grow significantly stronger. So the research shows that couples that have had infidelity and work on that infidelity intentionally actually show.

An improvement in their communication, in their intimacy, in their boundaries, in many different parts of their relationship, just in the overall quality. And this happens for a number of reasons, right? Infidelity happens for specific reasons within the relationship. So let's dive into this. So today, infidelity is probably more nuanced than it was 30 or 40 years ago. We have cyber affairs, where people have entire relationships online with people that they've never even met. We have sexting affairs and betrayals. We have prostitution. We have workplace hookups. We have drunk nights out on the town. We have hooking up with the colleague. We have hooking up with the next door neighbor, the babysitter, the nanny, you name it. But I think that online has created a much more intricate form of infidelity where it's easier than ever before for people to find themselves in a betrayal of some form, whether they're having an emotional affair and getting something met from someone online, or they're sexting, or they're dming through a social media platform and having scandalous conversations. And so infidelity is much more nuanced than it used to be. Not to say that it was ever easy in any way, shape, or form, Just that there are new layers and avenues in which we can experience infidelity. So just wanting to put that out there. Okay, so where do we begin? We begin step number one. And if you are going through this process, you can certainly write these down. Step number one is to build a stage for healing. So go within. Oftentimes when betrayal happens, when infidelity happens, we want to move directly into asking questions or, you know, running away or having these sort of big actions, you know, like, fuck you, get out of my house, or I'm done with you, or, you know, I never want to talk to you again, or. Or we go into this sort of panicked question asking where there's just sort of constant questions, this barrage of questions being asked of the other person, why did you do this, etc. And so we just need to know that something sort of traumatic and dramatic has happened. Right. We've experienced a significant betrayal that has all of a sudden caused us to probably question a lot of things in our life, much like the death of a loved one or the loss of a secure job or company. And so we need to set the stage for healing. So go within create time every single day intentionally to be with yourself, whether you are out in nature or journaling, whether you're meditating, but set the stage and know that it might be weeks, months before you feel a sense of peace and equanimity again. And so just know that it'll take some time. So that's also a part of the stage is the space and the time that we require. Step number two is to understand the story, but let go of the answers. So when betrayal happens, many people want to immediate answers, which can often be a cover up for the pain they're feeling from the infidelity. Why did this happen? Why did this go wrong? What went wrong? Why or how could you even do this? How did this happen? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? And these types of questions can really be the things that we get hung up on. And those things can happen, right? We can sort of ask questions, but it really should be to understand the story of what's taken place rather than fixating on the answers of why did you do this or why did this happen? The next step, step number three, is to understand the impact on you. What has the betrayal made you question? What about yourself? What about men or women? What about love? What about relationships has come under fire? What are you now contemplating because of this infidelity, because of this betrayal? How has it shifted your perspective and your view on intimacy and on the sanctity of relationships? So understand the impact on you. This is incredibly important. Again, this is a huge reason why we need to set the stage for us to manage through the infidelity. Too many of us, when infidelity happens, spiral out into our sort of unhealthiest of coping mechanisms, right? We, we go out and party, we drink, you know, we do drugs, we, you know, text the ex that we know is bad for us. We sort of like move into this space of like, you know, the like flip the table and, you know, screw it mentality. And we move into a space of really being destructive in some ways rather than coming from a generative understanding. And so this is the hard part, right? The hard part is to really look at the impact on yourself from this betrayal. Number four is grieve the death of. Grieve the Death of what do you feel is dying away in this process? What beliefs, what dreams, what hopes, what desires are now gone, are now threatened? What part of infidelity is a part of infidelity, I should say, is being able to grieve what we feel we are losing as much of it, is dealing with the pain of the betrayal. And those are two separate things. We need to look at them from. Two separate things. Okay? Not that we need to compartmentalize them, but it does help to sort of say, okay, here's the hurt from the betrayal. I feel like I can't trust this person anymore. And then there's the grieving, the loss or the death of. Of what we thought our life was going to be with this person, how we thought our relationship was actually going, and grieving maybe the death of a future with this person, if this does mean the end of the relationship. So really allowing ourselves to come into contact with and do some writing, connecting with friends and understanding, what are we actually grieving the loss of again? What beliefs, what dreams, what hopes, what desires, what futures, what past are we grieving the death of? Step number five is to find solid support. And I mean, you can do this again. These aren't sort of like a, you know, do one and then the other. You could seek out support right in the very beginning, which you know can also be very helpful, but seek out solid support. So if you have find a coach, find a therapist, find a psychologist that is trusted and can support you through this journey and obviously surround yourself with good friends that, you know, you can talk to, that you can go through this process with, that you can grieve with, that you can speak your anger and frustration to, but find that support. One of the most challenging things that we can do is when we feel ashamed of the betrayal or we feel embarrassed by it, and so we want to hold it within. We don't want people to know, we don't want to talk about it. And again, that can significantly delay the healing process. Mostly because we aren't allowing other people to witness our journey, our healing, our processing, our grieving. And I can't emphasize this enough, we are not meant to heal in a silo. We are not meant to grieve or go through these experiences in life all alone.

It's just not how we have evolved as a species, as individuals, as a human, as a human race. It's not how we are actually designed. What we know scientifically and psychologically is that our grief, our pain from these types of experiences is meant to be held by the group, it's meant to be held by the collective. And so finding some support in your life, whether you look for a men's group or you look for.

A group that you can connect with, or you find a good therapist or a coach or psychologist to work with this on, find that support, surround yourself with good people and have a few trusted people that.

You actively say, I'm going to need help through this time and I would really like to rely on you through this space because I trust you. And if you don't have those people in your life, then seek them out. Make that a priority. Number six is take a real hard look at the truth of what wasn't working in the relationship. Now this is one of the more challenging aspects and it should be part of the aspect that shows up later on in the processing, right? We want to be able to start to grieve, we want to understand the impact on ourselves. We want to have a grasp on the story of what's taken place. And then we can start, start to take a look at, well, what wasn't working in the relationship. You know, did I always know that this was coming? Is this something that, you know, is, is really a manifestation of in some ways issues that are not workable in the relationship? Maybe we are both, maybe we both have non negotiables that we're ignoring. You know, maybe there's an incompatibility and start to look at not what the cause was, but what wasn't working in the relationship. Was communication broken?

Was one of you really collapsing in on boundaries and constantly pursuing the other one and being needy and clingy? Was one of you shut down and avoiding intimacy and scared to lean in and commit? And this is a pattern that had shown up in past relationships. So look at what wasn't working in the relationship and look at potentially if it's newer or even a long term relationship. Look at what was brought into the relationship. I think that's a really important second part. What did you bring in? Was this a pattern that had been going on in other relationships that has now shown up in this one? Is this a pattern that you attract? Do you continue to find yourself in relationships with people who are unfaithful and betrayed? That's something definitely to explore. But look specifically at the truth of what wasn't working in the relationship as an individual and then potentially as a couple. If that feels generative for you, if that feels important for you. And depending on where the relationship's at, if you have both sort of decided to stay in contact or process through this together, regardless of whether it leads to separation or not. And then finally, number seven, the last step is chart a path forward. So once we've moved through these steps, we'll have a deeper sense, a deeper understanding of why the infidelity happened. Relationally, we will have given ourselves time to grieve the things that we feel like we're losing because of this betrayal. We'll understand the impact on ourselves and we will have hopefully had some pretty transparent conversations with our partner. And throughout that process, the important part is when you communicate the impact on you, are they able to receive it? Can they hear it? Do they understand it? Not that we need to force it on them or guilt them or shame them, but can they understand the impact it has had on you and what you have been grieving? And also what. What has the impact been on them? What have they communicated? How have they grieved this incident? Were you able to, as a couple, sort of look at the relationship and understand maybe what wasn't working, what was missing, what was sort of faulty in the relationship to begin with that led to this outcome and start to chart a path forward again, whether that is.

Away from one another and separation or that's mending the relationship. And again, that can involve counseling, therapy, relationship coaches, etc. But find someone, if you're going to be working on it together, to support you through that journey and find somebody that you trust. And then charting the path forward is, in its simplest form, about letting go of outcomes right, about rebuilding trust with the self, repairing and forgiving what has happened so that we're not carrying it forward either into our next relationship or the sort of second iteration of this relationship. And let the path forward be one that is built on the stones of forgiveness, of letting go, of understanding, of having grieved fully so that we aren't carrying such a burden or weight into the next relationship. Because oftentimes people who have had infidelity happen in the past, in their lives carry that weight into the next relationship. And there's an expectation that another partner, the future partner, is sort of responsible for tending to them so that they heal through that. So we want to do the work before entering into another dynamic because that work is ours and it's ours alone. So thanks so much for tuning in. I hope that you enjoyed this episode. Please share it with somebody that you that, you know, has gone through an, you know, a betrayal recently. And if you found value in this, certainly share it out online. Make sure you tag me mantalks. I'd love to see what your comments are on these types of episodes. And if you want me to dive into any other specific topics, hit me up DM me at Man Talks on Instagram. And until next week, this is Conor Beaton signing off.