Weekly Training: Your Shadow & Relationships

Seldom or perhaps never does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly and without crisis. There is no coming to consciousness without pain. Carl Jung.

So in this mini episode I'm going to talk a little bit about the shadow in relationship. And for those of you that are a part of the Shadow Work course, part of the Shadow Work program, you know you're digging into this now, but one of the really cool things is that there's been a lot of questions about how the shadow shows up in relationships during this course. And so I wanted to pick one of these questions and dive into it briefly and kind of talk about how the shadow shows up in relationships, how our shadow actually helps us choose relationships, and how some of our relationships are actually just the shadow manifest as relationships. So we're going to talk about all three of those things. But for those of you that are diving into the course, it's so wild and awesome to see all the amazing comments and questions and it sounds like it's really supporting a lot of you that are digging into it. So thank you so much for everyone that that joined in this first round, for everyone that has has missed it and has been reaching out and asking when the course will be live. It will be live again soon. We are working on that. So just please know that once the first round is over, if you are on our newsletter or if you're following me on Instagram, probably the best ways on the newsletter so you can go to mantalks.com and sign up there just so that you can get notified as to when it goes live. So let's talk about the shadow and relationship. I'm going to read you just a little statement and question from someone in the course who just brought up this great question that sort of summarizes exactly what we're talking about. So here we go. This really hit home and the idea of a meshment really hit home for me. I'm not sure it fully describes my mother, but I see this so much in my wife. She constantly sacrifices, doesn't want boundaries in the family and wants access to absolutely everything. As an example, she has a problem grabbing whatever toothbrush is handy and is constantly using my toothbrush even though I tell her not to do so all the time. She'll then get upset and blame me for being selfish and not sharing. We kiss and share germs. She says, what does it even matter? I feel like, you know, these types of little conversations and disagreements are very common in relationships. But let's keep going. He goes on to say, I have a Problem with being open and vulnerable, I avoid conflict and I keep people at arm's length to emotionally protect myself, which I believe comes from the hyper criticism I experienced growing up, both from others, but also now from within myself. What I'm curious about is did I pick my wife because of her enmeshment, so I don't have to be that emotionally close to her, even though that's the thing that I long for and crave? And did she do the same because I keep things hidden, she doesn't have to get close to me, and she can never fully get what she wants. Is that how this works? So well put. Okay, so let's talk about the shadow in relationship. And I'm going to talk just at a high level about how it shows up in the program. We dive deep into how we actually sabotage in relationships. But for the sake of this conversation, I'm going to talk about two forms. The shadow as a part of the relationship and the shadow as the relationship. So let's look at the shadow as a part of the relationship first. So just like this individual is talking about, we choose relationships from a conscious place, or at least we think we do, right? So part of our choosing, when we're really attracted to someone, there's a conscious nature to it. We consciously are drawn to their looks, their humor, their intelligence, you know, the way they tell jokes, their smile, their little quirks and foibles that we find, you know, attractive and endearing. You know, what they do for a living, how they present themselves, what it feels like to be around them. There's all of these conscious pieces that we choose a partner from. Now, there is also a very clear unconscious part of us that also chooses the relationship. I think I've said this before, but in the words of I believe this is Francis Weller or maybe James Hillman, your pain has its own intelligence. So when we enter into relationships, it's not just our conscious mind that is choosing that relationship. It is also subsequently our unconscious mind. Our pain, our shadow, our insecurities are also a part of choosing that relationship. And so for some of us, we will get into a relationship and maybe the honeymoon phase goes by, and all of a sudden these other components start to emerge where we're getting agitated because they don't rinse the fork properly before putting it in the dishwasher or put the dishes. They just put the dishes beside the sink. They don't even put them in the sink. This is beside the sink. And it's just the most irritating thing. Or they don't text before bed or when you wake up or whatever the case may be. And these small little things start to emerge. And what they're often an indicator of is the shadow component of the relationship is the part of you that chose the relationship from a place of your wounds, your insecurities, your pain, your childhood, maybe neglect or abandonment. And those things start to come up in the relationship. So for some of us, like what this individual is saying, I think this was so perfect the way that he outlined it. He said, what I'm curious about is, did I pick my wife because of her enmeshment, so I don't have to be that emotionally close to her? So notice what he's saying here. I want to be close to my wife, but because she's boundaryless, because she is sort of enmeshed in everything that I do, I feel a resistance towards being close to her because there's no space for me. And that feels identical. I'm repeating the enmeshment that I felt growing up. The sort of helicopter parents that were constantly criticizing me that were sort of in all of my spaces and places, they knew about all my business and I wanted to push away from them. I wanted to avoid that. So notice that for him, he's identifying that pretty much his shadow was also a part of the choosing. Now this isn't necessarily a bad thing, right? Because what he's also saying is, did she choose this as well? And the answer is often yes. When we get into a relationship with someone, and this has happened in Vienna and Mai's relationship, our relationship, I didn't say that properly at all grammatically, but it's happened in our relationship. It happens in all relationships. Not only do we consciously choose our relationship, but our shadow also is part of the choosing. So our insecurities, our neglect, our worry about abandonment, our need for, you know, hyper prioritizing intimacy as a form of protection, all of these unconscious patterns also are a part of the choosing of the relationship. And this is why doing shadow work is so important. Because when we start to come into contact with these unconscious aspects that have been getting in the way in the relationship, because notice I'm just going to keep using this individual's example. What he's saying is, I actually really desire to be close. I yearn to be close to my partner and to feel emotionally connected and to feel emotionally close to her. But I feel like because she lacks boundaries and is enmeshed with me and the family that we've built, there's not a lot of Space for me. And I bet if I talked to this individual's wife, what she would be saying is kind of the same, right? I want to feel close to my husband. I feel like he pulls away. I feel like he avoids. I feel like he shuts down. And there's probably a shadow reason for her being drawn into that, right? I bet if I dug a little bit deeper, what we would find is maybe she grew up with an emotionally distant father or emotionally distant parent who she was constantly trying to get close to, or she grew up in an environment where there were no boundaries, right? Maybe the whole family was just completely enmeshed and they knew everything about everything, and there were no boundaries. And so she sort of carried that on, right? So maybe she has gone the path of repetition and she's carrying on the enmeshment that she experienced in her family system, or she's going in the path of opposition. Maybe that enmeshment is a byproduct of being in a very similar dynamic growing up, where she was constantly in pursuit of someone that she couldn't feel or seem to get close enough to. And so there was no boundaries. So the short answer is yes. Our shadow helps us choose whether we like it or not. Every relationship, our shadow is a part of the choosing. Our pain, our wounds, our insecurities, our worries, our anxieties, our fears, they are a part of the choosing. Our unconscious content is a part of the choosing. And it's why it's so important to understand what has built these parts. The second thing that I'm going to talk about, so when. So how do we. What do we do with that? We start to learn the patterns that are showing up in our marriage and our relationship. Jung also said, the fastest horse to individuation is marriage. And I think you can change marriage with relationship. I think, you know, this is a bit antiquated, but relationships are really the fastest vehicle to a sense of individuation, because our shadow shows up there. Our insecurities show up there. Our worries, our inner critic, our external critic, our sabotage mechanisms, they all show up in relationships. Our fear of intimacy and getting close. So, and often those patterns are a repetition, They're a repeating of something that happened in childhood, in our youth, our adolescence, or maybe even our early relationships. Or they are an act of avoidance to something. They're in opposition to something that maybe was dangerous or painful or harmful to us. So that's a very normal part. So coming into contact with the patterns that have shown up in your previous relationship Is a very important aspect to know. Like, okay, when I get into relationship, this is also something I need to be conscious of. Or here's how my shadow is showing up in my relationship right now. The final piece is the shadow as the relationship. Now, for many of us, we've experienced this, right? We've experienced this like hot and heavy anxiety provoking, deep jealousy experience, often hypersexual. There's nothing like this before addictive quality of a relationship where we find ourselves in a relationship that is that we know on some conscious level. It's like, this is not good for me, but I can't seem to quit it. I can't seem to let go. I don't want to let go. This is the shadow as the relationship. Our pain and the other person's pain manifesting and sort of combining forces. And I was in a session with a client the other day and they brought forward these great lyrics from the song. I'll have to figure out what song it is, but I think it sort of summarized this. So here's the lyrics. She's no good for me. I know that she's a wildflower. She's got a relentlessness, a beautifulness, a thing about her. But here I am again calling her back, letting her drive me crazy. It's like, I love the pain a little too much love my heart getting all busted up. Something about her. We just don't work. But I can't walk away. It's like, I love this pain. Oh, so there it is. And I think most of us have experienced that. I think most people experienced that type of relationship. And that is when the shadow, when the painful aspects of us have sort of merged with someone else's pain. And so it's not that we need to be wary of those types of relationships. It's that we need to understand how our pain is. Choosing in a relationship is trying to get us to avoid in a relationship is trying to get us to be addicted in a relationship. Is it repeating old patterns? Is it trying to avoid old patterns and spaces that we've, you know, experienced in the past? Whether it's that not being good enough, that need to be perfect, that need to prove ourselves, that fear of neglect, that wound of abandonment, what is being repeated in our relationship? So that is a little bit about the shadow and relationship. I hope that this has served you and supported you in just being able to identify and know that yes, our shadow does help us choose relationships. Our pain does help us choose relationships. So to be conscious of those parts is incredibly Important so that we can, as best as we can, be a little bit more aware of the partners that we're choosing, of the relationships that we're entering into. And then we can also be aware of is this my shadow as a relationship? You know, is my love addiction coming out? Am I just drawn into this dynamic that I know is not good for me, but I can't seem to quit it and walk away? It's those types of relationships that remind us that our pain, our wounding, requires our attention. Because if we don't give it our attention, we can find ourselves in dynamics where that pain gets wrapped up with someone else's and gets connected to someone else's and we lose ourself in a way. We lose our conscious capacity to choose, to respond, to engage, to be in intimacy. And everything just sort of flows out of this unconscious response mechanism, which can feel very exciting and exhilarating, but will often lead to catastrophe. So figure out and start to look at how has my shadow and maybe you can ask this question and do some journaling for yourself. How is my shadow? How is my pain showed up in my past relationships? What has it looked like? What patterns have I been repeating since childhood? What patterns have I been repeating since my early relationships? What patterns or pain have I been trying to actively avoid or not re experience? That's another very common one. And then how does my pain fit together with my partner's? Because often we choose people not just because we consciously feel like we our strengths go together, but we choose people because our pain goes together, our shadow goes together, our wounds go together. So just notice if there's any patterns there and maybe do some writing on that. And it can be very illuminating to then see how we are repeating the past in some ways or and also how we are repeating the past to have something be healed, to have something within us be better understood, to have something within us be better held and worked with by us. So thanks for digging in with me in the shadow and relationship, and please share this episode with somebody that you know would enjoy it. Until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.