Why She Won't Let You Lead

Why won't a woman let you lead in a relationship? Why won't a woman let you make certain decisions? Create direction, create pace within the context of the relationship? Why does she push back? Why does she test you? Why does she reject? Why does she sort of shit test you and challenge you and act confrontationally or ignore your decisions and your directions entirely? Why do these things happen? I could kind of give you the standard answers. You've betrayed her trust in the past. You've made terrible decisions in the past that make her question whether or not you're making the right decision, you know, so your leadership has been pretty terrible at best. You've acquiesced all decision making power, all decision making to her in the past. So you've been fairly complacent in the relationship and you haven't largely made any decisions at all. This is what classic nice guys do, right? They get into a relationship and they sort of don't make any decisions and they force their partner to make all the decisions, right? What do you want for dinner? I don't know. What do you want? Where do you want to go on vacation? I don't know. Where do you want to go? And they sort of hope that if they can get their partner to make all those decisions, that they'll somehow be adding value. So those are the standard things, right? Maybe she grew up in an environment where her father was this sort of figurehead of the family and he was tyrannical and he was abusive and he was hyper controlling. Or maybe she was in a past relationship, she was really open and she was very vulnerable with the man, and she did allow him to sort of take the lead on certain things. And he betrayed her and he betrayed her trust. And she hasn't really healed from that. So there's a number of reasons that we could talk about. And all those things are valid and legitimate, and it's worth asking her about those things. You know, when I make decisions for us about where we should go on our date or on vacation, or about the direction of our relationship or the vision for us as a couple or our family, and you resist those things or you reject those things. What's happening for you now? She just might disagree with some of the things that you're doing or saying. But it also might be that there's something deeper happening there outside of that. I want to talk about one thing that I don't think anybody has really been talking about in terms of the pressure and the stressors that women bring into a relationship and why a Woman might reject your leadership. So as I've been posting this content online over the last couple weeks and months, I've been getting a lot of feedback from people both amazing and interesting. So, you know, guys have been messaging me and commenting on the videos like, thank you. I love this. This is so clear. I can see what I've been doing wrong in my marriage. I can see what I've. Where I've been going wrong in my relationship. I, I have a clear path forward. Thank you for that. So thank you for those comments. And then I've been getting messages, comments from women and I've been getting a lot from women, a lot of messages, a lot of comments. And some of it is outstanding, right? Some of it is, thank you so much for this. It's about time that, you know, men are talking about this. I really want a man who can lead himself. I really want a man who can lead in the context of the relationship and sometimes even lead me. And then on the other side, there are women who have a very angry response to the notion of male leadership, to the notion of a man leading within a relationship. And it's, I don't want a man to lead. I don't need a man, I don't need a man to tell me what to do. A man doesn't need to lead me in a relationship. I'm not a pet, these types of things. And usually it comes from a very almost angry and hostile place. And I get it to a certain degree because I think for a lot of women, there's two things that happen when we start to talk about men leading in the context of a relationship. One is it conjures up this sort of old school 1920s version or vision of a man holding all the relational power, making all the decisions within the relationship, financially, emotionally making decisions for the family, where the family's going to live, sort of deciding everything carte blanche within the relationship. And the woman is left to conform to what she thinks her husband, her man, wants her to be. That's largely based off of a fundamentalist religious notion and construct. Right? Most modern people aren't wanting this hyper polarized dynamic, this very rigid dynamic. Unless you're in a fundamentalist Christian or fundamentalist Muslim or fundamentalist Jewish background where there's very specific roles. It's like you as a man do this and you as a woman do this, and there's, there's nothing in between and you never step over those boundaries and you conform and adhere to those structures. And that's what allows the Relationship to function. And that's never what I've talked about. Right. If you listen to any of my content, I mean, I've. I've just never taken that approach. And I don't think that it's necessarily healthy or functional for a number of reasons, but it's a very different conversation. Outside of that is one thing I don't think anybody's really talking about, which is that women reject and push back on a man leading in a relationship, on a man, male leadership in general, because it's almost anti woman, anti feminist, to want a man to lead in any way, shape or form, specifically within the context of relationships. So I've been getting tons of comments and messages, DMs on Instagram from women and saying, you know, I really want this. I really want to be in a relationship with a man who can lead himself, who can lead in the relationship. But I feel ashamed of that. I feel guilty for wanting that. I feel like it's anti woman. I feel like it's anti feminist. I feel like, you know, the modern conversation that women are told is that. And again, this is what women are telling me. I feel like the modern conversation that women are being told is that you shouldn't need a man, you shouldn't want a man, you sure as hell shouldn't want a man to lead you to lead the relationship, to make decisions for the relationship in any way, shape or form. Because for the most part, somewhat historically and traditionally, a man leading in the relationship meant some form of constriction on that woman's freedom, on that woman's sovereignty, on her independence. And so a lot of modern women who have their own careers, who are very independent, who are very sovereign, who are more freedom oriented, who are assertive and direct, they get into a relationship and there's this contradiction, there's this paradox that starts to emerge within them, which is, I love this man and I trust him, and I want him to make certain decisions in our relationship and for our lives. But I feel at odds with that because I feel like other women are going to judge me, society is going to judge me. This sort of feminist manifesto is going to look down on me for wanting that, because I should be able to do all of those things on my own. I shouldn't want a man to do that, I shouldn't need a man to do that, and I shouldn't ask a man to step into that position at all. And I think that in some ways it's the pendulum swinging too far in the opposite direction. Even the Women that are saying, I want co leadership in a relationship, well, that still presupposes that you are with a man that knows how to lead. You're with a man who has certain leadership qualities. He's direction oriented, he can be assertive at times, he can create structure and order, he can make good decisions, he can be confrontational when needed, not in an unhealthy way, not in an angry or aggressive way, but he can be confrontational when needed in the sense that he can stand up to you if you cross the line, if you've done something to, to really betray the trust of the relationship. All of those things are valuable leadership skills. And so even the women that say I want co leadership, it still means that there are going to be times in the relationship where the man is going to take the lead, you know, and, and that he's going to make some decisions and he's going to create direction, he's going to influence the direction of the relationship. And what's challenging is that for a lot of women, they struggle with that, they struggle with it because they feel like they're betraying female kind. And this has been a really interesting thing that has emerged as I've put this content out that I didn't expect, you know, I didn't expect women to say like, oh, I feel guilty for wanting a man to lead sometimes in the relationship to make decisions for us about where we go on vacation or what we do or you know, where we go on date night or for dinner. I feel bad about wanting those things because it feels like I'm betraying women or betraying feminism in some capacity. And so I don't really know how to handle that. And so for you as a man, I think one of the best things that you can do if you are, you know, in a brand new relationship or you're you, you're in a long term relationship and you're starting to take more responsibility for yourself. You're starting to lead yourself. You're starting to maintain healthier rituals and routines for yourself. You're starting to create a vision for the relationship and what you want the relationship to look like. You're starting to create some direction and pace for the relationship in terms of, you know, when things are going to progress and what that's going to look like as you step into that role. Maybe the woman that you're dating starts to push back. Maybe she starts to resist, maybe, maybe she loves it, right? Maybe there's certain things that she, she wants to be responsible for. One of the best things that you can do is to get really clear on what's going on for her. Right? So why does she reject your leadership? Why does she push back? Is it that the way you're doing it doesn't feel trustworthy? It's not grounded? Is it that it's not consistent? Is it that she's, you know, still sort of dealing with mistrust because of a past relationship or a family dynamic? Or is she pushing back and rejecting because she feels ashamed or guilty about having you lead in the relationship? So open the door for some dialogue and some conversation, even just asking the simple question of how do you feel when I make decisions for us? How do you feel when I make a decision for us to go on a very specific date or for me to create some direction about where we're going to go on vacation? How do you feel when I, you know, pick out X, Y and Z? What's it like for you and see what her response is? So open the door for conversation so that you have better context and better understanding of what's going on for the woman that you're with. Maybe she deeply craves and wants for you to take more responsibility in the relationship, for you to have more leadership qualities and more leadership skills within the relationship. But maybe she just feels guilty about that. Maybe there's some shame around it, or maybe she doesn't trust you because you spent years in the relationship acquiescing that decision making, acquiescing that leadership to her. And she's built up some resentment over the years of like, well, I've had to carry this relationship and you haven't really been involved at all. So open the door for conversation and let me know what you thought. Don't forget to subscribe if you haven't already subscribed. But most importantly, comment. Let me know what your thoughts are on this. What did I miss? What would you add to this? Is there things that you disagreed with? I would love to hear your thoughts. And so until next week, this is Connor Beaton signing off.