Dr. Lynn Banis on Healing After Loss and Helping Widows Rebuild Their Lives

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I'm your host, CJ Moneyway.

And today we're talking about one of the hardest rebuilds any person can face: life after loss. My guest, Dr. Lynn Banas, knows that journey intimately. Within just 3 years, she lost her mother, her little brother, and her husband. The kind of compounded grief that could stop anyone in their tracks. Pain that deep doesn't just shake your world, it erases it. But instead of letting loss define the rest of her story, Lynn allowed it to refine her purpose. Today she helps widows move from isolation to connection, from survival to significance, guiding women as they rediscover themselves and rebuild lives filled with meaning, fulfillment, and joy.

How you doing, Dr. Lynn? How you doing? How you doing?

Great. I love your music.

Ah, thank you. Thank you. That was specifically for you because I admire your journey. And the things that you're doing and, you know, just staying strong and keeping your head above water, just going over your itinerary, your background. You know, I commend you a whole lot. Dr. Lynn from Niles, Michigan. Hey, so, so Doc, let me ask you, the breaking point. You said that losing your mother, brother, and husband within 3 years pulled the rug out from under you. Can you take us back to that season of your life What did it feel like waking up each day in that fog of loss? Oh boy.

The first— my husband passed about 1 in the morning. And the first thing when I woke up the next morning, it was like, oh, this isn't real. You know. But then my daughter had come to stay the night with me and she got up and we started talking and yeah, it became real, real. And I think the The most difficult thing that I realized just within that first day was that absolutely every little thing in my life had changed. And most of it had disappeared and would not come back. And that is— it's like a tsunami hitting you. Just overwhelming.

Mm. I can recall November 22nd, 2015. I had just published my first book November 15th, 2015. So 7 days later, we sitting there, we was at the hospital. My father had back surgery. We was at the hospital and that Sunday, me, him, and my mother, and we watching the game. We watching the Bears game and we laughing and talking and saying, okay, because he was going to rehab. He was going to start rehab that Monday. Right, man. They called about 9 o'clock that night. You know, it was just devastating, Doc. It was devastating. It hurts. So, you know, I don't know the type of the grief that you have because every grief is different, you know what I'm saying? A wife losing a husband or a child, you know what I'm saying, of that nature, or a pair of a child losing their mother, you know what I'm saying, opposed to the father. It's just, it's just different. And so sometimes you can't explain the different things or people actually understand what you're going through unless they have went through it. Exactly.

And it compounds. It compounds. If you have more than one of those events within a shorter period of time, it's difficult.

Yeah, I can imagine. I was just talking to somebody yesterday about the Book of Job and how he lost everything, lost his children, lost everything that he owned. And this and that, and it was a test from God. Can we imagine that? You know what I'm saying? That God takes the things that we love and cherish and, you know what I'm saying, for a test for us to be resilient, you know, and to pull through and break through something that I see in you right now.

Well, that's kind of funny because during my life when I've realized I'm being recycled to learn something that I hadn't learned before, I'd kind of go, oh, please just make this quick. I'm going to get it this time.

Yeah, I know, boy, that tested it and that purified, boy. It's tough, it's tough. We don't want it, but it's something that's needed. And he didn't put nothing in us— I know the words say that he won't put nothing no more on us than we can bear, you know. And I, you know, I could just imagine the bitterness, you know, just like, oh my God, you know what I'm saying? Like this and that, like, come on, come on, come on, you know. You feel like, do you really? Do you Really? Do you really love me? And so let me ask you, Doc, was there a specific moment or maybe a small decision that became your turning point towards healing?

Yeah, it took me a long time. I did what I would never suggest to my clients, and that is that I downsized. We had a big house and a big yard and a pool, and I just thought, I can't take care of all this. By myself, it's too much. And that allowed me to kind of ignore healing. And that's one of the things that happens, people will do things, get to keep themselves busy so that they don't have to deal with it. But what happened with me was that I was so busy getting ready to sell, then sell, then find a new house and moving. That my body just said, "Knock it off." And for 3 months, I had one thing after another and I was so sick. And that gave me the time to really reflect on what was going on and how I could best manage it.

Mm, man, tests and trials sometimes, as you say, He had to put us down sometimes, you know, I'm moving too fast, I'm doing this, well, I don't really have time to think about one thing or another, but then he'll put us in that situation where we're commanded to have to listen. We may not wanna listen at the time, like, ah, okay, I'll put that to the, and then he just brings a storm about somehow, and well, we just have to sit down and listen. I think about Joseph when he went to the prison. That was a situation where He had to be there to learn something that he needed to know to move forward. You know, so sometimes we don't like it that way, but his thoughts are not our thoughts and his ways are not our ways. That's what I've learned.

Yeah, for sure. For sure.

So let me ask you, you've worked as a psychologist and coach, but you also been the patient of your own advice. How did that shift your understanding of grief?

Well, really going through that, you know, it was different with my mother. We were very close. But when she was 100, I had her come live with us and she lived till 106.

Wow.

And that was just the most precious time because we came, you know, we just got so, so tight. And that was one of those things where, you know, it has to come. It's not easy, but you know, it's coming.

Yeah.

And that's really called anticipatory grief. It was manageable because I was trying to prepare for it. But then my little brother, I get a call in the middle of the night. He's 9 years younger than me. That's not supposed to happen when you lose a younger sibling. And he'd had a massive heart attack. And then my husband was kind of like your dad, he was to be moved on Monday, I think, and this was Sunday night. And they called me and said, he's in ICU, you've got to come. And that kind of shock makes everything worse. So I think that my perspective has just grown really broad because, you know, in my training, I had learned to stay apart from taking on my clients' issues and being able to be that stable person that held a container for you to discover and explore and start that healing, it became very, very clear to me that, as you had said earlier, nobody knows what this is like until you go through it yourself and in your own style, at your own pace. And I think what happened with me was during that time when I was sick, I just, you know, thought back through my life and I thought, you know, I have all the skills, all the knowledge, all the techniques that I've been using for years that I can use to help people through this. Nobody, nobody should have to go through it alone. So that's when my perspective on how to deal with it really changed. Because I knew that I had something over and above what most grief people have to offer my clients. And so at that point, I started to look at it as an open door, that if we can get to the door and get through it, we have the incredible opportunity to create a life that really fits us and that allows us to be who we were sent here to be.

So let me ask you, Doc, because I know, you know, we go through seasons of mourning, of grief, you know, like when that anniversary time come back around or sometime around that time. You know, I know my mother, she goes through it, you know, every— because it happened around Thanksgiving. Matter of fact, it was November 22nd, so it was like a couple days before Thanksgiving. And so you get into that period, like you said, until you, you know, you still grieve, but you can break away from it. It's not fully attached as it was in the moment. So let me ask you, like, how long did it take you to get from that point to the detachment? You know what I'm saying? But, you know, although we still feel it, but to say, you know, I can move forward after this.

I started working on creating a new business after a year, I was still struggling. And I think even now it's just been 3 years or is 3 years in January. And there are moments when I still have that giant tidal wave come— coming over me and, and, you know, I find myself crying or I find myself really depressed for a period of time. But now I know how to sit with that, accept it, feel it, and then let it go so it doesn't rule my life anymore.

Yeah, like certain things, like I found out for me, for my father's 8th year anniversary, I did a song back in the day. You probably heard this group Motown, Smokey Robinson. So they did a song in this movie and it was called Smokey Robinson sang I'm really gonna miss you. And so I did that for the 8-year anniversary of his passing away and put it on the internet and everything. And, you know, people loved it. You know, people was crying, my mother, you know, crying and everything. And so this year, I'm into the AI music thing and whatever. So I did an original song. And so as you're saying, with me, I found that that's my outlet. You know what I'm saying? Like I can take it in, but then I can let it go at the same time. You know what I'm saying? I found something that, you know, okay, I can remember you, I can remember the good times and the love, you know what I'm saying? But I got my focus on this. And so once it's out, it's out, you know, I'm creating moments that will always be there, you know what I'm saying? So that's the most important part that I think that when you get to that acceptance, you know what I'm saying? Acceptance of what has actually took place, and then we can, you know what I'm saying, move forward. But the love will always be there.

Always. And, you know, I think that when we can get to the point where we can be creative, and we can give to others, then we are able to receive that back as nurturing and healing. And this year, I did the same thing as you. I did an AI song called Not Alone This Christmas. And I gave it to a lot of my friends as a gift. And It's amazing. Yeah, amazing.

Yeah, you know, it touches people's heart, you know what I'm saying? And when they hear it, and because I put it on Facebook— no, no, I put it on YouTube— and somebody, they say, what's the name of that song? You know, like, like it was an old song that they never heard before or something, you know. But that was something that I had, I had did, and so I sent it to her. So that's cool. Let's collaborate, Doc. I think we got something in common right now. Hey, so, uh, so Doc, let me ask you, what does your transformation process look like for widows who feel stuck, not just sad, but uncertain of who they are now?

Well, I think that's a big thing. You just hit the nail on the head because you've lost your identity, and that's very, very, very disorienting. So I don't begin to really work with people until they have gotten control of the emotional part they've gotten through that total upheaval, their brain has started to unfog itself and make decisions. And then I work through a lot of things like making sure they have their values identified and they're acting on them and their beliefs and working with self-limiting beliefs and getting rid of the ones that aren't helping them and replacing them with ones that are beneficial. And we'll help them, you know, see the world in a more positive manner. We work on worldview. We work on all the kinds of things that we are thinking gets messed up and causes us to have blocks. So we get rid of as many of those blocks as we possibly can so that I kind of think of it as peeling back the layers of all the garbage life has put on you. You know, we came here with none of that. We were just naked little babies with none of that heaviness. And over the years, you know, we've taken on things that aren't ours. A lot of them aren't ours. And we carry those and they get in the way of everything. And sometimes we adopt beliefs that when we really take a good look at them, really what's happening, and we could find a different way to look at things, a different perspective. So we go through all that. And Then I work with people around identifying what is happening when they're in flow. And this is a piece other people don't have, I don't think, because I was one of a dozen or so people trained in this. I do a biographical interview where we go through the times when people were doing something they love to do and they felt like they did it well and they just kind of lost track of time. You know what that's like to be totally in flow. So I identify what they're doing. How very specifically they're doing it, what is motivating them to do that. And then we look at, well, what's the environment that supports you when you are in that state of flow? They take all of that information and we put it together and start building a vision, a future vision that the person knows will fit them and they can maintain because they will have created the environment also that will support them. And then they create kind of a blueprint of how to get there. And I put them in a group of other women who are doing the same thing. So that's kind of like a mastermind supporting each other, making that full transition.

So let me ask you that real quick. So how is your approach different from traditional grief groups? And what makes your process more about rebuilding than recovering?

Well, many, many grief groups just allow people to go over and over and over their experience and their emotions. And for me, that just seats it deeper, and you don't deal with it. So I really advocate that people find someone who can help them deal with things. That's really important. Because not only does it help alleviate the pain, but it also helps them understand that they're powerful. They have the ability to handle this and do it and stand on their own two feet and be successful. And they don't have to live in a mire for the rest of their lives. I mean, I have people that I see that are 10, 15 years grieving, desperately grieving. And that is so unhealthy for for us. We know, we know that it causes physical and psychological issues. So getting past the just trying to deal with emotions is huge. And for me, you not only have to get past it intellectually, you got to get it somatically in your bones so your body believes it.

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To go forward, check out the movement, family, real quick. Lean in. If you're listening to this right now, then you already know The Money Way ain't just a podcast, it's a movement. So make sure you tap into everything we building. Yeah, yeah, it's a money way moving music. New tracks dropping every week. It's the CJ Moneyway Show. Global ranked, purpose-driven voices, moneyway mindset, daily inspiration, real talk, no fluff. You can find it it all right now on Instagram, YouTube, and everywhere you stream. Just search @simoneyway. That's where purpose lives. That's where the next level starts. And that's what we leveling up together. Now let's get back to the show. You know, I'm just listening to you say that, and one thing that popped into my mind is that a lot of times we can say certain things like, oh, you know, I'm I'm okay, I'm good, I'm over it. But man, deep down inside, you know, once I get away from Dr. Lynn and I'm at home by myself, I'm no more over it than I was the first day that it happened. You know what I'm saying? So I'm just lying to myself. And so then I'm lying to you because I'm lying to myself. But I see what you're saying too. And it's probably— you have to be honest with yourself in order to get to this emo— to get over the emotional part of.

Absolutely. And we are very good at hiding truth from ourselves. As a culture, do not like to look at ourselves and figure out who we are and why we're here and what we're supposed to, you know, what's our mission. That's important.

You gotta talk about this music thing. I did a song called I Had to Check Myself, and that's the bottom line. You first have to check yourself. And get the inner you to match the outer you so that I can be like Dr. Lynn and reach people. I can't reach people if I don't know myself. If I'm lying to myself, how can I reach or help somebody else? It just don't happen like that.

No, we all need a mirror in front of us and we ignore it.

You do. You do. Yeah, because we're afraid to see. As I said, where I'm from, the home of Michael Jackson, Gary, Indiana, We're afraid to look at that man in the mirror. And so, so let me ask you, Doc, connection and compassion, that's another, that's another thing that we have, have to, which I think that we missing in society today. Compassion and empathy.

Yes.

Though it can mean the same thing, you know, but we're missing all those elements— love, compassion, empathy, sympathy, all of that. So let me ask you, Doc, You help people move from loneliness to connection. What role does community play in healing? And how can friends and family truly show up for someone grieving?

Oh boy, you really got two good ones there. Let me start with how family and friends can help because that's such a tender, difficult spot, not only for the grieving person, but also for the people who are trying to be friends and family and supportive. And the truth is that we have a taboo in this country around talking about death, talking about loss, depression, grief. And we have never taught each other how to deal with it. So I think the onus of that is both on the person grieving and on the people who are trying to be there and be helpful. There are many, many things that we can do. First and foremost is show your love and then think. People just are— I think they're saying the right thing, but, but they're not. I mean, even Christians, if you say, oh, he's in a better place, that poor person is going, no, I want him here. You know, it's like that moment of anguish isn't going to be helped by words. It's going to be helped by a hand on the shoulder, a hug, and, "I'm here for you. You don't have to say anything. I'm just glad to sit." Those kinds of things are so much more important than saying something. And we're so afraid that we'll say the wrong thing, and often we do, that We avoid it. So, and actually, it's true that if you have been in a couple and one of you's gone, you lose a lot of friends. And it's not that they don't care for you anymore. It's that they're so uncomfortable with the other person not there. There's that empty seat, there's that hole, and they don't know what to do about it. So those of us in grief need to say, "I don't know what I want right now or what I need. But I so appreciate you checking in on me." You know, just let them know any little thing that does feel comforting. People come— I had to laugh at this. I got so many, like, 13x9 pans of lasagna. When Bill passed, and just me, just me. And every time my kids would come over, I'd be going, here, take this, take this for your family. Finally went, no, no more lasagna. Think about the circumstances. Of course, if a lot of family are coming in in the beginning, yes, a lot of food is fine. And understand that the grieving person doesn't want to eat. They don't want to fix anything. Their motivation is nonexistent. So do things like a small bowl of fruit, a small snack tray, something that they can kind of graze on and not have to try to get the energy to get up and get it all together and fixed. So I think that those kinds of thoughtful processes really help. People manage that, what do I do and what do I say?

Yeah, because like you say, sometimes you say the wrong thing. As we said earlier when we first started, you just don't know what to say to somebody when you haven't experienced that. When you haven't experienced something someone else have experienced, you really don't. You can't say, "Well, I know how you feel." No, you don't. You know what I'm saying? You haven't experienced what I've been through, so you can't know how I feel, you know what I'm saying? I mean, like you say, give me a hug, you know, I love you, I'm always gonna be here for you. Because, you know, when it first happens, you have family gatherings, as you say, everybody meeting up, and then up until the funeral, and then you had a repass, and everybody, you know, you talking and you reminiscing about things. But after that, everybody disappears, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, everybody disappears. You only got you and whoever you got, you know, sometimes that circle, as you said, gets very, very small. So I agree with you, Doc. I totally agree with you.

One thing that surprised me about the process is there were days when I physically felt the loneliness as pain in my body and in my bones. It was so difficult. And that's something that a lot of my clients agree that— and that's something if you've never experienced that, how in the world could you possibly understand? And if you haven't experienced something like this, how in the world could you possibly expect corporate America people to be back to themselves after 3 days of bereavement leave? After 6 months, after, you know, whatever, saying to somebody, "Aren't you better? Aren't you over it yet?" You know, that's not helpful.

Yeah, I know. And it did depend on the years. Let me ask you this real quick, Doc. For how long were you and Bill married?

35 years.

That's a long time, you know. That's a lot of memories. That's 3 decades and a half, you know. So as you say, the 3 days and the 6 months, you can't get over 35 years of experience with someone in that short amount of time. Those are lifetime experiences that you would never fully get over. But in that shorter period of time, it's definitely not going to happen. I could be at work sometimes and I'm just spazzing out. Or I just, as you said earlier, I remember I was in church and church service was good and everything, clapping and everything, whatever, whatever. Then all of a sudden, just bust out in tears, you know, like if somebody just say something to you, you know, it's like you just get emotional, you know, for no reason, you know, just get emotional. But you got your inner emotions that you're going through, you know what I'm saying, or whatever, whatever. I mean, that's a process that we go through, Doc, process that we go through. Thank God for giving us strength to keep moving. Yeah. So Doc, as we get ready to wind up, I just got a couple more questions for you. Let me ask you this. Legacy and new purpose. You've turned your pain into purpose. What does joy look like for you now?

Wow. You know, I worked really hard to get myself aligned with who I am and what my purpose and mission and vision is. And joy is something that's with me almost all the time now. You know, things are much easier. Because they're aligned, you know, it's like a puzzle with all the pieces together. And I'm finding that I can giggle and laugh and enjoy things and look at my silly puppies and start laughing out loud because they're kind of goofy. You know, I wasn't able to do that before. And so I think that joy is just accepting and enjoying the beauty of what's around us in our own life.

Just enjoy, you know, because as you know more than a lot of us know, man, just enjoy people, enjoy your family, enjoy your loved ones, because tomorrow is not promised to none of us. You know what I'm saying? We never know when our time is, you know what I'm saying, going to come, or somebody else's time that we love going to come, man. Just You know, savor the moment, man, and just start loving one another. You know, whoever you got, whoever listening right now, you got an ought against somebody, man, go and solve that. Get that over with, man. Life is too short.

You know, when your parents die, if you can say, I have no regrets, we said everything we needed to say to each other, we knew how much we loved each other. I mean, that is such a comfort.

You know, and like you say, because I think that was the one thing that I felt when I had to go up to the hospital, because I was the first one there. And I said, man, I was telling the nurse, he was a male nurse, and I said, man, I said, I didn't get a chance to tell him I love him. And he said, man, he said, you the one wrote the book? I'm like, yeah. He was like, he know you love him. You know what I'm saying? He said he knew you love him. So I guess he was at at the hospital talk about me writing a book, you know, and everything. So that was, you know, comforting now that I think about it now. But at the moment, you ain't thinking about that, you know what I'm saying? It's like, that's a whole nother conversation. Hey, so Doc, let me ask you this. First, Doc, where can we find you at? Where can women connect with you that, you know what I'm saying, that may be going through some similar situations or some things? Where can they find you at? Where can they connect with you at?

They can connect with me on Facebook and on LinkedIn. I have a website that's app.widowsrisingtogether.com. And those are really two of the best things. The other thing is, I would love to send you a copy. I've got a couple little pieces. One of them is how to help your family and friends know what to do when there's a loss like this and how to support each other. So that's something some people really, really appreciate. And the other one, I don't know, you tell me. I have a couple things on what you need to do as a human being, whether you're a couple or in or alone, what you need to have in order long before you pass, because it is so hard on the person that's left. And even if that's your child, your friend, whatever, If they don't know where to find things and it's not in order, it is horrible. So I'd be glad to send you both of those and you can just pop them on when you put this on the air.

I definitely will, Doctor. Whatever you send me, I'll put it out there.

All right.

Okay. One final question, Doc, before we get out of here. What's one message you want to send to every widow or grieving person to hear when they think that there's nothing left for them?

Okay, sit down and think through your whole life. Make a timeline if you need to of all the things that you've experienced and acknowledge that you made it through. Could have been messy, but you made it through. I'm telling you, everything you've experienced in your life has prepared you for where you are right now. You have the strength, you have the ability. And if you don't know how to figure that out for yourself, find someone who is trained and can help you. Because that is what gets you through, knowing at the core of you that you are strong, you're okay, and you're worthy.

You are You heard it from Dr. Lynn Bynes that you are worthy. And if you need someone to talk to, as the old song said, lean on me when you need a friend. Dr. Lynn say she's there to help those who are in grief. Hey, Dr. Lynn, thank you for coming on the show. And you just reminded us that grief doesn't end when the tears stop. It ends when purpose begins. Her story proves that the same pain that breaks you can also build you brick by brick into a stronger, more compassionate version of your younger self. If this conversation spoke to your soul, share it with someone who needs light in their darkness. Big thanks to our network, Believe Network, and our partners PodMatch, which both— this is how me and Dr. Lynn connected. Optimus Clips for helping us share stories that moves heart and change lives. Keep building your faith, your purpose, and your legacy. I'm your host CJ Moneyway, and this is How We Move Mountains. Hey boy, CJ Moneyway with my new friend Dr. Lynn. Until the next time, we out of here. Peace. Keep your vision clear. And if this episode gave you wisdom, hope, or a push forward, share it with somebody you love. Tap in with me on all platforms @shmoneyway and stay locked into the movement because God's not done writing your chapter. This is the CJ Moneyway Show. Brick by brick.

And always.

Moneyway.

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