Transcript of a May 2024 YouTube conversation about emotional intelligence in business leadership. Speakers explain why leaders should pause before reacting to emotions, identify feelings explicitly, trace feelings to present triggers or past stories, and use compassion and connection—summarized in a 'connection formula' (authenticity, vulnerability, trust)—to support team members rather than immediately pushing for solutions.
We don't need to take action based on the feeling until we understand where the feeling is coming from. And that's where many of us in business, we take action based on a feeling that we feel. Oh, my gosh, we have to respond to this right away. Somebody comes to us with a problem like, oh, we got to immediately respond to this, immediately react. But actually, if we immediately react, our subconscious is driving a pattern that we might not be aware of, that might not be what's best for us.
How do we help ourselves? What do we look for and what questions do we ask?
That's a great question. I think that whenever you feel an emotion that you know, you don't really want to feel, you don't really want to sit in it. The fastest way to move through the emotion, number one, you have to identify what you're actually feeling. Right? So we have to actually say out loud, I am feeling upset, or I'm feeling angry or I am feeling frustrated. It's when we don't actually say that out loud that it just sort of percolates inside of us. So that's the first piece. The second piece is usually for you to look at that feeling and be like, okay, is this feeling coming from what this person has said in the moment or my reaction to them? Or is it coming from something in the past, Some story that's been stuck in my subconscious that's been running me that I'm in reaction to? No matter what, it's important for you to sit in the feeling, to really assess it and figure out where it's coming from before you take any action. And for me, the third piece of this is always, we don't need to take action based on the feeling until we understand where the feeling is coming from. And that's where many of us in business, we make errors because we take action based on a feeling that we feel, oh, my gosh, we have to respond to this right away. You know, somebody comes to us with a problem like, oh, we gotta immediately respond to this. Immediately react. But actually, if we immediately react, our subconscious is driving a pattern that we might not be aware of that might not be what's best for us. Those three pieces are so key to managing an emotional state that you are exactly where you want to be at every point of time.
That's right. And it's amazing when you hear things like this, not a lot of people will attach to it. I think the very first time that we got to know each other, I was very, you know, I'm not Going to get into all this emotional stuff. This is like crazy. I'm not talking about it. You know, I'm a businesswoman. I'm strong and like, I can get through it and I can do it on my own. Right. But the more I was able to ask the right questions or have you help me ask the right questions, it not only helped me, it helped me in my leadership with my team. Right. Because then if they were in an emotional state or something was wrong, there was times that I've talked to you where it's just been an emotional roller coaster of business. And then when you have somebody, when you're already in this emotional state and you haven't figured out that you should stop before moving on to figure out where it came from and to address it before you react. I'm a speed person, so I just keep on going. And the second somebody else in front of me has another emotional state, we clash. And we clashed hard. And that's not, you know, good leadership. So how does that apply to leadership? When you see somebody else on your team or a partner or a spouse that is having an emotional reaction, what's the best thing to do, you know, in that situation?
So I think that in business, so often when we see someone having an emotional reaction, we go directly to, well, there's no place for that emotional reaction in this business experience. Or we try to judge it in our own minds or they judge themselves as we step into higher levels of leadership. We're called more compassion and connection. So I talk a lot about the connection formula, where if you're going to be in an emotional state with somebody else, the very first thing I look at is how can I follow the connection formula so that I can connect with them first so they feel that level of trust that they probably need to work through that to move to the other side. So the connection formula, I know I've mentioned this to Danny quite a bit, but for all the listeners, the connection formula is we have to be authentic, we have to be vulnerable, and we have to trust. Trust that being those things for that other person is going to help unlock something in them so that they can be more connected to you as the leader and more connected to themselves leading themselves through that experience. So I tend to think that if we're going to address emotional issues that come up in the business environment, yes, we have to do those things individually for ourselves first to make sure that we are neutral before we take action. But then I think for most of us actually have to look at, okay, how do we meet someone with more compassion and more connection rather than trying to push through and fast track that experience for them because then they don't feel validated in any way, shape or form?
I love that. I love that.
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