Tony Robbins' Advice to a Man Ready to Leave His Wife | Full Intervention

I've been in a bit of turmoil with regards to whether to stay married or leave my marriage. With the exercise you've given me here, the overwhelming verdict is to stay.

Why'd you make that decision? What shifted in you?

A picture of my wife when I was first going to leave many years ago, and I couldn't think of that picture not being in my life.

So what have you done in the past that you're aware of that you can shift?

There's a big list. Stop looking elsewhere.

Yeah, that would be a very useful one.

Is your lady in the room?

No, she's not.

Pull out your phone and call her. Who's had a breakthrough insight for you that can make a big difference that you want to share? All right, yes sir, right back here. Give him a hand in the green bandana. Give it up for him. What's your name? Where are you from?

My name's Kaleem. I'm from Scotland.

Give him a hand. Tell us, what did you pull from this so far?

Well, Tony, before I got here, I've been in a bit of turmoil with regards to whether to stay married or leave my marriage. And with the exercise you've given me here, The overwhelming verdict is to stay.

Give him a hand for that. That was beautiful. That's beautiful. Oh, but you don't want to stay in the same state, right? You don't want to stay in the same meaning. How many follow? Who makes up the meanings of things? Who? We do. So we can change the meanings by having a deeper understanding and not just thinking someone else interprets things the same way. But our state is the most important thing. And the state of uncertainty about whether you're going to stay or not makes people feel unsafe, insecure. And when people feel unsafe, insecure, does it create more intimacy or less? Less. And so then it becomes self-fulfilling. So why'd you make that decision? What shifted in you?

Well, the first exercise that you got to go through certain memories was a picture of my wife when I was first going to leave many years ago. We're on the top of the Cairngorms in Scotland. She's wearing this kind of really warm jacket, looking really cute as fuck with a little hat. And she was really feminine. She just looked amazing. And I couldn't think of that picture not being in my life. That was the first one. Yeah,

that's nice. Give him a hand for that. That's beautiful. So now the question is, what role have you played in making her more masculine?

Oh, too many things.

Give me a couple ways, because if we know what they are, we can change them. It's not about making yourself wrong. It's about taking 100% responsibility and knowing we're in a cybernetic loop. So if she's being masculine, she may have already had that inside, of course. But if it's showing up more and more and more and less of her feminine, there's something you're doing that's augmenting that, making her feel that she has to take that role. So what have you done in the past that you're aware of that you can shift?

There's a big list.

Well, let's hear a couple of them. Give him a hand for being honest. That's fantastic. By the way, the big list, what's great about that is he knows what it is. He can change it, right? That's why we take 100% responsibility.

One of them would be to walk away whenever she's trying to express herself and I'm thinking, fuck this, I'll just go to work.

Yeah, that really helps. That really builds deeper relationship, right? Okay. By the way, I started to tell you, I'll plant the seed again for the gentlemen in the room. Ladies, if you feel unsafe, we already covered that one. How many would agree that turns things down massively? There's not going to be an opening. There's not going to be intimacy, certainly not going to be sensual intimacy when there's a lack of safety. But the other one is feeling unseen, right? And the other one is feeling not understood. Ladies, how many agree you really want to be seen and want to be understood? Those are critical for you. Make some noise if that's true so the gentlemen hear you. And a lot of times men say, well, I do see, but they want you to see more. They want to see details, and they sure as hell want to feel understood. Now, for some, they go, how the fuck am I ever going to stand this creature? But what you can understand is that you would never be able to deal with the emotions they're dealing with. You know that. That's probably why you want to get away from it. But at the same time, you wouldn't feel fully alive without that person in your life. And so it's like making sure they feel seen, making sure they feel safe, and making sure they feel understood or appreciated. If those 3 things are in place, things will be strong with your woman. How many ladies would agree, just so he has some feedback? Give him some noise. So when you turn and walk away when she's doing that, it feels totally disrespectful. In fact, there's a man many of you probably have heard of, a couple, the Gottmans. They've been studying relationships for, I think, 45 years or something like that, and filming couples for decades, putting them in a hotel room and filming them for days. And they have a 90— I think it's a 93% success rate in predicting whether they'll be divorced or not. And how do they— Yeah, 93.6. And he points out 4 horsemen. Throw them up there for people so they can see real fast. The first one is criticism. What they do is they watch how you fight. Everyone fights. Sometimes a fight is a useful thing. But after a while, as you develop in your relationship, your fights can be playful fights, just get the energy out, or fun. But criticism destroys relationship. And so criticism. Second one that the horsemen, they see when they start seeing is contempt. When someone rolls their eyes when you're talking, somebody like, you know, makes sarcastic humor towards their partner, that's— you're heading for an end. It's only a matter of time. Third one that he talks about is defensiveness. I don't do that. Yes, you do. No, you don't. Yes, I do. And the fourth one, of course, is stonewalling. When the first 3 happen, when there's a lot of criticism, feelings of contempt, feelings of defensiveness, one of the 2 partners usually stonewalls, which means they shut down. They don't share any feeling. 85% of the stonewallers in a relationship, by the way, are men. Because they don't know how to deal with those things. If it was a man, they'd punch him in the face, or they'd threaten him. But with a woman, if a man's been socialized and has a good heart, those aren't options. So then he just shuts down. But women do it too. And when you shut down, then the relation— there is no relationship. So turning and walking away when she's talking to you is completely disrespectful. It's contemptful, right? So, and it's great you see this. You don't— you draw a line in the sand and go, I don't do that anymore. Um, I grew up in an environment where people had a rule. In my family, you fully express whatever you were upset about and use whatever language fit The category. My parents fought like you cannot believe. They also physically threw shit and things like that, which I swore I would never do because it was pretty, pretty intense. But when I was growing up, the belief was you stay in the room until it's resolved, and you say whatever you have to say on both sides. You just keep going until you're there. The only thing that would be the end was getting up and walking away in the midst of a conversation. That means it's over. In my family. I got in a relationship with a woman early in my life who grew up in an environment where if you can't say something nice, you don't say anything. And if someone raises their voice, it means they don't love you and you should immediately get up and leave the room. Now, this is what happens when people come together. We have different models of the world. We have different ways we were raised. We have different patterns. So we have all this beauty and chemistry and love, And then this shit gets in the way. But we can eliminate all of it by drawing a line in the sand. And one of the lines in the sand I learned early on was using intense language towards my wife when we were just dating and everything else. It hurt her and I could see it hurt her. It was like, shit, this is my nature. Doesn't matter. Draw the line in the sand. Like her drawing the line in the sand for her mom saying, no, I'm never gonna fucking threaten nor commit suicide. I'll do all these other things, but that's a line in the fucking sand. That's how you make something work. You put some lines in the sand, like never threatening the relationship. If you threaten to leave the relationship or end the relationship, what is the other person going to do? Remember this little demonstration we did here? Push, push, push, right? Eventually, even he was trying not to— he's going to try a new technique, but he starts pushing back, right? So if you start threatening the relationship, then the other part— you got your hand on the button, they put their hand on the button to try and protect themselves. And now you're closer and closer to Armageddon of the relationship. It's a rule. You just have to say never, never. You can say anything else. You don't threaten the relationship. There are just a few things that people do today that if they change those, your relationships would have lasting and they'd start to be able to get passionate again. But if you get too many of those Four Horsemen or versions thereof, then you start questioning, they start questioning, the whole thing falls apart. Give me 2 more that you've done that you could shift.

2 more things that I've done?

Yeah.

Working way too much.

Okay. Is it the working or the lack of presence? Ladies, you tell me quick. Say it again. Yes. You can work your ass off. I mean, she may have said you're working too much. What she's really saying is you're not giving me enough What, ladies? Attention. Attention. See, I remember when I met Anthony Hopkins. I call him Tony Hopkins. He's a good friend of mine, the actor. And he came to Fiji with me with this new woman in his life. And he was at his wit's end. He goes like, this woman, she goes, I love her. I love her so much. I adore her. But damn, every moment she wants my attention. And I said, can I give you a little education? You need to learn AFT. He said, what's AFT? I said, a woman— not a woman, a feminine woman wants attention all the fucking time. All the fucking time. And you, instead of feeling like it's a hassle, have to get excited that she wants your attention and be excited to give it to her. And if you can do it with real presence, it doesn't matter how many hours. If the presence is there, it'll penetrate. But it's all the fucking time. Now, if you say to a masculine person, I want attention all the fucking time, they go, fuck you. How many feminine people in this room, male or female, want attention? I want lots of attention. Make some noise if you want a lot of attention all the time. So when you don't— when they don't get it, they don't feel the connection. So then they don't open. They don't feel understood. Doesn't feel very safe. Right? What's one more that you could shift?

Stop looking elsewhere.

Yeah, that would be a very useful one. 'Cause by the way, women have radar, right? It's unbelievable. There's this experience that women have that's different than men. It's called diffused awareness. Women's brains, at the corpus callosum, what connects the 2 sides of the brain, that is thicker than it is for men. They feel both simultaneously. That's why I could say to you, Kelly, you're a dick, and you might do what you just did, smile. You're an asshole. You're a wuss. Right? Now, you could get pissed at me and get in a fight, but your first response is, yeah, it's just words. But if you say that to a feminine force, man or woman, they take it and connect the word on the left side of the brain to feelings on the right side of the brain, and they never forget. She'll tell you 20 years later the thing you said 20 years ago. How many men know what I'm talking about, where it's— you never live it down? Make some noise, gentlemen, if you know what I'm talking about.

I'm so sorry, I have to do some talking.

Oh, I thought you were going to share a point.

No, I will. Um, my pleasure. Thanks, Tom. Um, hi. Hi, dear. Number one, your honesty is so beautiful, and this is for all of us out there. Our honesty and ownership, it cuts It cuts through the disconnection. It cuts through the misunderstood. It cuts through that gap to just own our stuff and clear the space and make it right. And that— is your lady in the room?

No, she's not.

Okay. Well, when you go home or call her here now, you can let her know that Like, babe, I love you so much. It could sound something like this. I love you so much, and I've been in this event and I've been reflecting and I see how I've missed. And be specific like you have here and give her context that, you know, honey, sometimes I beat myself up and I don't know how to win, and so I leave. And I can't imagine how shitty that feels. And I want you to know I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And Colleen, that That creates a safety. It creates all the things that we were just speaking about. She'll feel safe. She'll feel seen. She'll feel understood. And the more, gentlemen, that the feminine, when you can make those yous come to life, it's a game changer because it turns down the volume of the disrupt. Or the disconnect, or the dissonance, or the resistance, or the resistance, and you'll pull her to you, because that's your deepest heart, obviously. It's evident how much you love your lady, Kahlil.

Close your eyes for a moment. Give her a hand. Close your eyes for a moment. Think about the things you love most about her. When you let the mind go away and all the judgments and expectations, the core of who she is. Yes, and all that you love. Now pull out your phone and call her. Ah. Because here's, here's the new lesson I want everyone to leave with. You should go first. That's what leaders do. You go first. You don't wait for the moment. You don't wait till it's later. Now, by the way, he'll go home and want to see her and look at her eyes and share things. But how many ladies would this be touched by if he calls her and says, honey, I'm actually in the middle of the seminar and I realize what a dick I've been. I love you so much. I've turned away at times. I've not paid attention. I even looked other places, but there's no one else but you for me. When I come home, I cannot wait to look in your eyes, but I didn't want another minute to go by, even though I'm in the middle of this freaking seminar. I just want you to know. And if she's not there, he can leave that message. Ladies, if you would enjoy that message, if it was your man, make some noise so he hears. So when, when would now be a good time to communicate your love? When would now be a good time to say I'm sorry? When would now be a good time to go after it? Let me teach all the men in the room something, my brothers, that I took a while to learn. I was a dumb shit. If someone said, fine, I'm fine. I thought, cool! I can let go of that shit and go to work on something! Fine, when a woman says it, does not mean fucking fine, does it, ladies? Make some noise if it doesn't mean fine. Nooooo! See, gentlemen, you didn't know it, but you're supposed to be a detective. You're supposed to go deeper and ask questions and figure out what the really fucking thing is going on. If you don't do that, she doesn't think you care. You don't understand. Or if you're heated, this is something interesting. One of the things that Gottman found, males, males and females, when they get really upset, your heart rate increases significantly, right? But the difference is recovery time. Women recover in less than a minute sometimes. That's how they can snap from this to that. What the fuck happened? How many guys have been with a woman and Everything was going great, and then suddenly I did nothing. What the fuck happened? Who's ever had this experience? Make some noise, man, if you know what I'm talking about. Because the beauty of the feminine is they can change so fast, but they can also go from really hurt or upset to really loving in a millisecond. And it's because their heart rate will drop, and it's been because of evolution so they can soothe the child. To be able to soothe the child, you'll be able to take this crazy Experience and bring comfort. And if you're wild, you're gonna be not good there for the child. So they have that ability. Men, when you get up there, it takes longer to get 'em back down. And often something else is said and they go back up again. So do women. So this is really real. But here's what I learned. Something happened. Sage got up, said something, and she stormed out. You can't do this and just get up and leave. And then I learned, follow her.

I would—

Follow her immediately. Go, don't hesitate. And so I'll never forget the first time I did this. Like, from now on, I'm gonna do the opposite of what my mind wants me to do. I'm gonna do the— because my mind is not helping. So whatever my mind says, I'm gonna do the opposite. My opposite says, fuck you, go off and fucking scream in the corner. I don't give a fuck. I'm tired of this shit. I need some relief. Stop talking. So instead of that, I followed her and I found her in the closet on the ground crying. What the fuck? You were yelling at me a minute ago. You can't cry now. That's not fair. You can't yell one moment, next minute cry.

High tone.

Thanks for coming.

It's beautiful, these moments. We're teasing about it, but it breaks the pattern. You know, it's doing the unexpected, because mind will take over, Colleen, and think, eff it, and walk out. But that hurts. Never mind her, that hurts you.

I actually learned it from her.

You what?

I learned it from her.

You learned it from her.

Well, it doesn't matter. You're doing it. But you go first. If you're here this weekend here, and there's somebody in this room that you love, and you're feeling something, run across the room to them! Don't say, well, I'll talk to them about it during the break. Fuck that! People love boldness, don't we? Bold expressions of love.

Yes.

Right? That's it, there we go. I see somebody got the note. Aww. That's it, there we go. There we go. There you go. Nice! Give them a hand! There you go, there you go, there you go. Wow, I like it. We need a kiss cam right about now. There you go. That's it. Kiss cam time, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for them. Give it up for them. Come on, give it up for them. There you go, that's it. Give it up for the people on the KISS Cam, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful job. Grab a seat, and Kelly, pick up your phone.

Maybe FaceTime. You want to see her?

Well, I thought maybe just the audio so it feels a little bit more private. We're going to be quiet. We could do FaceTime.

Either way. I don't think she's going to pick up the phone.

Well, then leave her a beautiful message. That's even better.

I'll try phone her first.

Okay, here we go. What's your wife's name?

Toni, with an I.

Toni, what a classy name. From the heart.

It's 3:15. She's not gonna—

Own it.

She's sleeping.

No, no, let her sleep. Let her sleep. Shh. Can you leave a message?

I could leave a message.

Yeah, leave a message from your heart. Own what's gone on. Real quick, tell her you're gonna go deeper when you get a chance to reach her. You know she's sleeping, and then you're gonna meet her in the dream space.

Sweetheart, I am standing in front of I don't know how many thousands of people making an ass of myself. Um, I wanted to let you know, and Tony used my words, uh, I have been a dick, an utter complete dick. Um, I'm really sorry. We did an exercise here where we were made to think of past memories, and my first one was a picture of you at the top of the Cairngorms. I think you'll know the one. My second memory was when we were at Strathclyde University, and you were an absolute fucking rock for me, and that is very, very important to me. Thank you. The third one was our first kiss. And the fourth one, I'm going to confess here, we went to Disneyland Paris. You took me on my first flight at the age of 25, and we just had a fight in that nice hotel outside the resort, and I went outside and had a cigarette, that thing that I wasn't doing anymore. And, um, I don't believe I'm about to do this in front of so many people, but I chucked the cigarette away when you came down, and I wouldn't kiss you, but I did something else instead, and I know you know what that is. And if you remember, it was thunder and lightning, and I know that I did very well that night.

Share with her what you told us about where you were being a dick Specifically, and what you're not going to do or change for the future. I think it's important for her to know what you told us.

I will be more present, and I'm going to make sure the only focus is you, my princess. I know people would say, why is she not your queen? But I'll let these guys know it's because my daughter's the queen. According to her. But you are my queen. I am going to be more focused, and I'm not going to look anywhere else. And bring it. I'm going to stand tall. I'm going to stand strong. And I know you're going to come at me with everything you've got. Bring it fucking on.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

I love you so much. I've been so afraid. I'm gonna stop being afraid. I know you're not going anywhere, and neither am I. I love you, baby.

I love you. And

that's how it's done, ladies and gentlemen. Give him a hand. Beautiful job, Kelly. Beautiful job. Beautiful job. Whoa, let me hear you out there. Come on. Oh yes. Now, by the way, Kelly, you, you also sounds like you're actually prepared, which is now that you've stepped up in this way, you will be tested. Right when you're being your best, you will get tested. And if you see that as being mean, you will miss the point. It'll be a test to say, was that just a seminar story?

Yes.

Did he just get fed that? Or is he really going to be that way? And so it's consistency that will make it real. And when she tests it, you want to do what you just did. Bring it on. I love you. I'm not going nowhere. You're going nowhere. We're only going deeper. And if you can keep doing that with that presence, presence being connected and calm, even if she's not being, you will own her because that presence will melt her.

Yes. And Kaleem, one other consideration when you are in front of her, you did such a beautiful job of sharing stunning moments that you've shared, but be specific about the dick part. That's what you did with all of us here, and that's helpful. That's really, really helpful. It helps to clear, to say, I'm sorry. That brings intimacy and it clears that space between you. And by the way, that's not just men, that's all of us. And

it's not just I'm sorry, it's I'm sorry for what you told us. That's what I was going to say. Specifically, yes. Or turning away when you're talking or looking someplace else. I mean, speak the unspoken.

Yes.

If there's anything that messes up relationships is people don't say certain things because they don't want to bring it up again. But if you can do it from a centered place, then people start to trust again and they go deeper. And that trust creates safety, and that safety creates openness, and openness creates all the goodies that you look forward to.

I have a much bigger list, but that's for me and her.

Good. That's fair. That's beautiful. But it'll be great to share that with her. It'll make it more real when you tell her the specific things you've done. And I'm not doing that shit anymore. I'm going to catch myself. That's not going to happen. Extremely well done. Give him a hand, everybody. Beautiful job, Kelly. Very good job.

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