Dean Graziosi recounts personal stories (planting blueberry bushes with his grandfather; walking his grandmother’s property; reflections on a failed past marriage) and describes how he intentionally changed himself—getting a love coach and learning new behaviors—to create a deeply loving, trusting marriage. He offers actionable relationship principles: don’t keep score; feel love when you give it; be a person of your word to build trust; seek depth over breadth in intimacy; manage proximity and avoid situations that invite straying; and resist social-media-driven comparisons that make the grass look greener elsewhere. The talk is framed as practical, experience-based advice intended to help listeners build stronger partnerships.
Chapters
What if you felt love for your spouse or your future relationship when you gave love, not when you received it? I want to share something with you. And I realized this while I was walking around my grandmother's property and I felt my grandmother's presence. The property means the world to me. I mean literally. I planted blueberry bushes with my grandfather when I was 4 years old. They're still there. My son was picking blueberries, eating them of a blueberry plant I planted 48 years ago. And I used to pick those blueberries and bring them to the local market. And I'd sell a quart of blueberries for a buck. I'd make three bucks and thought I was the richest kid in the world. And I'm walking around the property with my wife and I realize that I have the greatest relationship that I ever could have. I couldn't have dreamed that a relationship like this exists. Like I have someone who has my back, who looks at me like she saw me for the first time. Every time I see her, I walk in a room, she lights up. She's my best friend, she inspires me. She just, hands down, has made me a better man. Like no exaggeration, I'm a better human being. I'm a better father, I'm a better leader to my team. I'm better to you guys because of the love I have in my life. And I think about that and I went back and I thought through. My parents were married nine times, that's not an exaggeration. And I was married prior and I did make some dumb mistakes in my previous marriage. And I'm dear friends with my ex. We co parent like nobody's business. We got each other's back in a big way and everybody gets along great. But still I failed at a marriage. But after my marriage was over, I really, I did something because I'm in the self education industry. And I know some of you have heard this story, but this is my life, this is my business. And I said, if I don't fix me, I'm going to bring the same version of me into the next relationship. I'm smart enough to recognize that the main reason it didn't work is probably because of the guy I'm looking at in the mirror. So instead of saying how do I find the perfect woman? I said, how do I become the man that the perfect woman would love to be with? And when I went through that journey, I literally got a love coach. Because I'm in the self education industry. I'm no fool. I got A love coach. I interviewed a whole bunch of people that had long lasting love, like people in their 50s, 60s, 70s, that just seem to have fire, passion, intimacy, friendship. And during that journey, during that journey, I grew, as my love coach would say. She said, you're navigating new territory, right? I was walking down the same path every day. We don't realize that we do that in life and business and love and health and the thing we want to do for our career. We walk down the same path every day and we wonder why we're not recognizing new sights. How do you learn as you navigate? You get off the path and you go in the woods and a lot of times you get cut up, you fall off a cliff, all those things. But you learn and you navigate new territory. So when I was growing, I was navigating new territory. And what I came up with, I came up with some things I want to share with you today. I came up with things like to not keep score. What I realized about love, sometimes it gets to the point where you start saying, wow, I've been doing so much for him non stop. And I don't even think he's looked at me. He hasn't brought me flowers anymore, he doesn't take me to dates anymore. And I think we come up and all of a sudden we start building resentment and we hold back and then they hold back more and hold back more. I know I did that. Guilty right here. And I realized if you have the courage, it's courage to not keep score. The difference is unbelievable. I realized. And that leads into this. What if you felt love for your spouse or your future relationship when you gave love, not when you received it? Oh, that's a big one. What if you felt love when you gave it, not received it. But you also can't keep score and you got to be selfless and be courageous to do that. It takes nerve, right? But what if you did that right? And what if you developed trust by being a man or woman of your word on every level? No dabbling, no straying, no private texts. What if you just built trust by just being solid, that your word is your freaking word. There is no variation. There's no deviation. What you say is the truth. Do you know how easy that is? I have to be honest, I wasn't like that in my last relationship. There were some things I just thought were mine and I kept private. No, once you, if you do it a little bit, it's like, it's like, it's like it takes you over, right? So what if you built trust and it was just, like, solid, right? What if you found intimacy by going deeper, not wider? What if you just kept learning about the person and understanding that there's certain quirks or changes or things and that's what makes them who they are, and you end up falling in love with the quirks and the craziness, and you just kept going deeper. Because in today's world, it's really easy to stray, isn't it? We're in a world where in two seconds you could connect with your high school girlfriend, boyfriend, someone you met at the airport. Two seconds. I mean, this world is designed to stray. You could do stuff no one would know, but you would know. And when you look, even for a second, right? Listen, I'm not trying to say I'm a boy scout, I messed up in my last relationship, but, man, I found the magic of these little pieces. And why am I sharing that with you? Because, God, I'd wish it for everybody. I'm a better man. I'm empowered. I could fight five armies with my wife behind me. I could fight two armies before I met her. Now I can fight five, and there's nothing going to get me down. And she deserves the best version of me. And it is pretty damn good. Literally. I have a dear friend who's been in and out of relationships, and I just went through coaching him and got him all in. And his relationship is on fire because he's not straying. He's not looking around. He's going all in and going deep. And here's the next thing is proximity. If you know that if you're going to go to this outing with your team, but there's also a girl that works for you that's been looking at you with the eyes that, you know, you could do one of two things. Make an excuse for your spouse to stay home, or get your wife or your significant other to come with you and go there and show the world how much you love the woman you're with. You know, much respect you get when someone sees that you are just, boom, it's all you, right? Proximity. Tony taught me that one. He said, don't do events. Don't go on stage. He goes, you go on stage, 10,000 people. Listen, if you got options and craziness. He goes, you know what I do every time I'm on stage? I look down, I look at my beautiful wife, Sage, and that's the woman I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. And none of them compare to that woman. So proximity. When can you have that person around you in times where maybe you didn't in the past? Right. We live in this world. I see my kids doing it without even realizing it because of social media, where the grass is greener, the job is better, the company's better, the friends are better, they look better, they work out better, and also thinking their relationship's better. You start looking online and going, oh, my God, look at this couple. They look so great. You know, Alicia and her man, these guys look amazing together. And it's like, I don't have that. Maybe I should start straying. The moment you think the grass is greener, it's the start of eroding the relationship.
